The Dirty South (10 page)

‘Are you a member of Red Eyes' family?' I asked.

‘Well, kind of,' she replied. ‘My older cousin has got a son from him.'

She had some sort of black Croydon accent, kinda half suburban, half BBC. I couldn't quite nail it. It certainly wasn't Bricky. I remember thinking I could take this chick home to see Mum and wouldn't have to worry about her manners or what comes out of her mouth. ‘Red Eyes was alright,' I said. ‘He never done me any wrong anyway.'

‘He was a low-down bum,' Akeisha whispered. ‘He never gave my cousin a penny.'

I just had to chuckle and Akeisha had to cover her mouth to stop herself from giggling… My nerves eased up a bit.

‘I usually wouldn't do shit like this at a funeral but I'm kinda fretting I won't see you again,' I chanced my luck, remembering how it pained me so bad when she went missing from the track. I maintained eye contact all the time and hoped she'd realise I was seriously on her case… Obviously the perfect end-game would be a wok. Maybe I could get her to wear that skin-tight Lycra shit? My heartbeat gathered pace again.

‘I can't believe you're moving on me at a funeral!' Akeisha laughed.

‘Look, some people are staring at us, man. Is it so bad to chirps a girl at a funeral if she's the most buff girl there? Just give me your digits and I'll step. To save you the embarrassment.'

It was to save my embarrassment. The sweat was now pouring down both sides of my face and my heart was about to pump through my chest. I also felt Paps' and Cara's eyes burning into my back. Noel was probably saying under his breath, ‘Go on, dog!' Akeisha looked at me hard for two seconds and if I say so myself I was looking proper neat in my black suit, tie and shit. I had a handkerchief in my jacket pocket but would it look cool to wipe the sweat from my face. Better to do it out of her sight I decided. She discreetly took out her mobile and we exchanged numbers.
YES!

‘Hold on,' I said. ‘Before you go. What ends do you live?'

‘Excuse me?'

‘Where do you live?'

‘Oh, Angel Town.'

Angel Town? Central Bricky? With a voice like that? That place was so bad the Feds were only admitted if they had ghetto passports. Residents there owed years of rent but bailiffs refused to go there to boot them out. Anyway, that was all good… It ain't too far and I know nuff brothers who live in Angel Town so there was a pretty remote chance that I would get jacked if I stepped there to see her. Besides, she could have lived in deepest Deptford or white trash central and I would have still checked her out. ‘I'll call you yeah.'

I left Akeisha munching her peanuts and rejoined my paps, Noel and Cara. There was a bounce in my step and a fucked-up grin on my face. Until she left I followed her every move, every sip and every bite of a chicken piece or a sandwich. God! Was it good to see her.

‘So that's the girl you always thought was perfect,' remarked Noel… ‘Bit on the maaga side for me. She could do with a good dinner. Nice little round booty though and prettier than most.'

‘Prettier than most!' I replied. ‘Are you kidding me? She's easily the most buff girl in Bricky.'

‘Maybe,' said Noel. ‘But I bet you won't get to wok it… She looks too stush.'

When the drink and food were done, everyone drifted away. Even those who were burning big-heads in the garden departed; the big garden thing was quite an experience for many ghetto people there. A couple of teenage chicks decided to see who could go highest on the swings and it all ended up with one of them fucking up their ankle. I dunno, ghetto people can't go anywhere without embarrassing themselves.

As people were heading out of the front door I saw one of Red Eyes' baby-mothers swiping a bottle of Jamaican rum. I guess it was a typical Jamaican funeral affair…

I decided to follow Noel to his flat 'cos Cara didn't seem to be holding up that well. I'm not sure if she had too much Jamaican rum but she was in a right state. I helped her into the back of Noel's ride. She was cussing all the way home about how Red Eyes was worthless, useless in bed, refused to wipe his dick after he had sex, couldn't fry an egg, didn't clean his toenails and didn't know how to commit to women. Trying to calm her down, I said to her, ‘It's understandable that you're upset, Cara. You knew him well. But it's not good to cuss badword about the dead.'

‘Understandable?' she said. ‘You don't know fuck all! And don't fucking talk to me like I'm your daughter! And as for cussing badword about the dead, do you think that just because someone is dead it changes their character? Red Eyes was a dogheart and he always will be whether he's in heaven or hell!'

‘Dennis was only trying to help, Mum,' Noel said.

‘Who asked you to speak, you dumb fuck!' Cara yelled.

This was embarrassing. I could see the anger in Noel's face rise as he pulled up outside his block.

‘Do you think I'm a fucking idiot, Noel?' Cara yelled as we helped her towards the lift. She slapped him on the back of his head. ‘I know you went to Red Eyes for your herb! Yes, I know! I know you sell weed on the streets. You think you can fool your mother? I ain't as stupid as I look…' She cuffed him again.

‘Mum!'

Cara's sister was babysitting Noel's younger brother and sisters and that was all good because I didn't want them to see her like this. I've seen her high on high grade and a little tipsy but nothing like this.

‘Baby, sorry for swearing at you,' Cara apologised to Noel, suddenly sounding all motherly. ‘You know I love you, don't you, baby? Come here and give your mother a kiss. You know I really love you. I'm feeling very emotional right now and you know I hate funerals. Why can't they just get on with the business of burying people without all the shit that goes on beforehand?'

‘I love you too, Mum,' Noel said, kissing his mother on the forehead. ‘Just remember that the next time you're thinking of flinging a plate at me.'

With a family like Noel's it's very rare that you see acts of affection but this was one of those moments. Cara was almost strangling Noel as we carried her into the house, pressing her left cheek against his right cheek. We managed to lay her on the sofa in the lounge but instead of trying to sleep off her drunkenness she sat up and started crying. No sound came out, just tears rolling down her cheeks.

‘What's a matter now, Mum? Can't you just go to sleep?'

‘I've got something to tell you, baby.'

‘What's that, Mum?'

‘Before I do, baby, go to the kitchen cupboard where I keep my drinks. Gimme a whisky with ginger ale on the side and don't be stingy, baby.'

Noel went to do as he was told.

‘Pour one for yourself, baby. And one for Dennis.'

Cara then turned to me. She smiled at me but the eyes remained sad. ‘Dennis, your family has always been good to me. Your mother Carol is a diamond. She or Noel would never say how much she has helped us in the past. That's because of pride. Yes, I'm a proud bitch, Dennis. Too fucking proud. I didn't want you to know how desperate we have been, Dennis. And trust me, we've had
many
desperate times. Sometimes your mother helped us when my own family wouldn't. When you and Noel was little she would come to help me in the early hours of the morning if I called her.'

‘Yes,' I said, feeling very uncomfortable. ‘I respect my parents to the max.'

‘And so you should,' said Cara. ‘You know, I don't know no other black couple living on these sides who have been together for so long.'

‘They've had their ups and downs,' I remarked. ‘You know, with Paps' legs and everything. It hasn't been easy for them.'

‘But they're
still
together. You know, Dennis, my family hate the way I have lived. Having children for different daddys and all that. My dad kicked me out when I was seventeen 'cos I was screwing a man in my room. But your dad and mum? They have never looked down at me. Yes, they have cussed me, told me to sort myself out, thrown my drinks in the trash and everything, but
never
looked down on me.'

Cara paused as she looked towards the kitchen. ‘You find the whisky, baby? Don't be mean with it.'

‘Just getting the ice out, Mum,' Noel called out.

Cara turned back to me. ‘None of my so-called men could ever commit. None of them even wanted to commit. Is it too much to fucking ask? For a black man to commit to his black girl? That's the story of the black man. Maybe your daddy is the exception to the rule but most black men are dogs. Fucking doghearts! But sometimes I do wonder if your daddy would have stayed around with your mum if his legs weren't fucked. You know what I mean, Dennis? No offence to you, Dennis, 'cos you're obviously a black
man. But even if I had crippled my men's legs with a sledgehammer they would have crawled away on their knees when I wasn't looking, and found some way to fuck another bitch. I should've castrated the doghearts when I had the chance.'

Cara's fingers were twitching and she couldn't keep still. She looked in the direction of the kitchen again. ‘Such is my luck with men,' she went on. ‘No, fuck that. They are not men. They are dogs! Not interested in raising families and only interested in raising their dicks and then they piss all over you and bitch about giving you money to live on.'

Carrying a tray of drinks, Noel returned to the lounge. He sat beside his mother and Cara caressed the left side of his face. She looked at him sweetly. Then she picked up her drink, downed half of it and then poured ginger ale in it to top it up again… ‘Take a drink, baby.'

After passing me a glass of whisky and coke, Noel sipped his own drink with his mother watching him intensely. She placed her glass on a small coffee table and took in a big breath. ‘Now, baby,' she began. ‘I should have told you this a long time ago. There's no good way of saying this so I'm gonna come right out with it. The worthless, nasty dog and sad excuse for a man you saw buried today was your daddy.'

For a couple of seconds time seemed to stand still. Cara was waiting for Noel to respond but he just sat there looking vacantly into his whisky and coke.

‘He never knew he was your daddy,' Cara added. ‘I never told him, although if he had the intelligence he would've worked it out. But with your daddy, his brains were inside his dick. We saw each other on and off for a few years. If it's any comfort to you when we first start seeing one another, we was together for eight months. He bought my kitchen table in the January sales years back and he once helped me cut the carpet for the toilet. He even took me out ice skating and bowling a couple of times but your daddy always had his floozies on the side. Most of them were white but they had the good sense not to get pregnant. I could get my head around him having the odd affair with a black girl, but a white girl? No
way was he gonna invade my crotches after he dipped his dick in a white pussy. NO FUCKING WAY!'

‘Why tell me now?' Noel finally said, all calm like. ‘Why now?'

‘I know I should have told you before, baby. I just couldn't. What was I gonna say? Hey, baby! There's your daddy and he sells weed and crack and you're a big brother to all those little bastards running around his feet.'

Noel seemed to be taking this all well but then he stood up. He started to breathe hard. ‘I'll tell you why you told me now. Because it eases your guilt… Feel a bit better do you, Mum? Eased your conscience a little? As for me, Mum, I FEEL LIKE SHIT! YOU FUCKING HO! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A JUNZ!'

I had to react quick because Noel went to hit her. I leaped upon him and took him to the ground. ‘YOU FUCKING HO! YOU FUCKING HO!'

The ginger ale was knocked off the coffee table and was spilling on the carpet. A tumbler hit me on the head as I wrestled with Noel. He was much stronger than me and if he wanted to he could have easily beaten me off him to get his revenge. But he allowed me to pin him down. Allowed is the only word for it. Tears were in his eyes and I just gripped my hands around his body, holding on for dear life. Cara grabbed her drink, done a funny walk to her bedroom and slammed the door.

For two minutes I held him to the ground and I felt the accelerated breathing from his chest. ‘Get your hands off me, bruv.'

‘You ain't gonna do anything stupid?' I asked.

‘No! What do you take me for? You think I would actually lick her? My own mum?'

I released my grip. Noel picked up the tumbler and ginger ale bottle from the floor, placed them on a table and then took out his Rizla papers. He was calm again. ‘It's kinda funny,' he said after a while. ‘I was always scared of asking Mum who my paps was. I always wanted to know. Now I do… In a fucked-up way I even got to know him. If my shit was on
Jerry Springer
people wouldn't believe it.'

He was right. I was finding it hard to believe and I had witnessed
it. I took a generous gulp from my whisky and coke. ‘Pass me the Rizlas, bruv, I think I'm gonna join you.'

Both of us built two big-heads and for some reason smoking it felt better than it had for a long time. It proper relaxed me and although we had never burned in Cara's house before, I don't think she would have cussed our behinds if she had walked in.

‘It's true what Mum says about your parents though,' Noel confirmed. ‘I remember once when Mum had to lock herself in her bedroom 'cos her boyfriend at the time was beating her. I was only about six or seven at the time. Anyway, Mum managed to call your mum and ten minutes later I let your mum and paps in as well as your uncle Everton and this guy called Brenton Brown… Mum's boyfriend was proper shocked but not as shocked as me when Mum came out of the bedroom. Her face was proper banged up. I could hardly recognise her. Blood was all over her face.'

‘What happened after that?' I wanted to know.