The Diva Wore Diamonds (26 page)

“
They’re excellent!” she said.

“
When you’re right, you’re right,” I agreed.

“
C’mon,” said Nancy, grabbing Dave by the hand. “Let’s dance.”

By the time the song was over, half the crowd was on the dance floor. John finished the song with a virtuosic rip, and the crowd cheered and stomped their feet in appreciation.

“
Thank you,” said Muffy, into the microphone. “This next song was written by my man. He’s sittin’ there in the back. Say ‘hello,’ Varmit!” She pointed back to the soundboard and Varmit raised an embarrassed hand.

“
It’s called
My Skin Always Crawls Back To You,
and it goes something like this…”

The band began the intro—a slow, rolling, bluesy tune.

In south Louisiana, in the swamp, down by a stream,

I met you in the mornin’, you were looking like a dream.

Then an armadillo bit you, now you’re feelin’ pretty mean;

But I’ll never, never leave you, even if you are unclean.

The drummer counted off the beat, the tempo kicked up, and the band was rocking.

Now you’ve got a slight condition,

you’re not feeling in the pink.

It takes some getting used to, but I can’t believe you think

A little case of leprosy would cause our love to shrink;

And my skin always crawls back to you.

You’re always mighty frisky

when I come on through that door,

But I never know what body parts are layin’ on the floor.

My friends, they tell me not to hang around you anymore,

But my skin always crawls back to you.

Back to you, back to you, It’s all that I can do,

Cause my skin always crawls back to you.

I kiss you in the morning, but I have to do it quick,

I kiss you in the evening, when we’re dancing back to hip,

but how can I get all your love with half a lower lip?

And my skin always crawls back to you.

The dance floor was full again, most of the people doing a two-step, but a good number of them having already invented the “Leprosy Line Dance.” I suspected that it just was a minor variation of one of the hundreds of line dances that were popular in country and western bars all over the south, but it was impressive, nevertheless.

I come home to a welcome, and I smell your after-shave;

I have to do the smelling, cause your nose they couldn’t save.

You pour a couple fingers and a glass of whiskey, too.

And my skin always crawls back to you.

The chorus was coming around again, and now there were even more people on the dance floor, including most of our group. In fact, only Meg, Marjorie, and I were still sitting.

“
You want to dance?” asked Meg.

“
I’ll give it a try,” I said. “But not in that line thingy. I can just about manage a two-step.”

“
How about you, Marjorie?” asked Meg as we got up. “You want to join us?”

“
Nope,” said Marjorie. “You kids go ahead.”

I kiss you in the morning, but I have to do it quick,

I kiss you in the evening, when we’re dancing back to hip,

but how can I get all your love with half a lower lip?

And my skin always crawls back to you.

The last verse came around and the whole bar was jumping. I could see how this could be very intoxicating to someone who wanted to make a living on the stage. Muffy was in her element, and the rest of the band was grinning like a bunch of Cheshire cats.

I find you fascinating though I think you will agree,

That now you’re only half the man that you used to be.

A leper cannot change his spots,

I’ve caught them, don’t you see?

Now your skin always crawls back to me.

By the time the last chorus finished, there wasn’t any doubt who was going to win the two hundred dollar prize. I just felt sorry for the next band up. The Ambersons were a family band from Banner Elk, consisting of the father playing a guitar, the mother on autoharp, and two sisters singing harmony and playing the spoons. They specialized in mountain gospel.

“
I didn’t know you danced,” said Nancy, falling into her chair and downing her beer in two gulps.

“
I don’t,” I said.

“
He just did it for me,” said Meg. “That’s true love.”

“
Great song!” Dave said to Muffy as she walked up to the table.

“
It was Varmit’s idea,” she said, still glowing from her experience. “He read this article about armadillos in Louisiana. Did you know they can carry leprosy? They’re the only animal that can, except for humans. Not only that, but there’s still a leper colony down there somewhere.”

“
I
did
know that,” Dave said. “Read it in a
National Geographic
.”

“
Well, it was fabulous,” said Meg. “I think you guys should play in Sterling Park sometime. People would love it. What do you think, Hayden?”

I blinked. Then blinked again.

“
Hayden?” Meg said. “Are you okay?”

“
Son of a gun,” I said. “Of course. Leprosy! I know who did it. I know who murdered Russ Stafford.”

Nancy looked at me. “Dadgummit! I thought I was going to get to solve this one.”

Chapter 21

“
Here’s what I need you to do,” I said to Nancy, on what promised to be a beautiful Sunday morning. “You’ve got to go and make an arrest.”

“
Be happy to,” said Nancy. I’d given her a call just before we left the house and asked if she could meet me in the parish hall. “Russ Stafford was a weasel, sure enough, but we can’t have our citizens being pummeled to death with rocks during Bible School.”

“
No, you don’t understand,” I said. “I need you to set up outside of town and detain the Purcell Society before they make it in to church.”

“
Huh?”

“
It’s a long story. But they’ll be coming in on Highway 68 from Greensboro.”

“
You want me to arrest the whole Society?”

“
Well, there’s probably only going to be three or four of them. Don’t really arrest them. Just make sure they’re occupied for a few hours. They’ll be in a rental car.”

“
What are you two talking about?” asked Meg, as she walked up. She handed me a cup of coffee.

“
Hayden wants me to arrest the Purcell Society.”

“
Oh, no you don’t!” said Meg.

“
It’s for the good of the town, Meg,” I argued.

“
I won’t hear another word! Now you get in there and tune the harpsichord. It sounds as though Lurch has been banging on it.”

•••

Zeb and Darius, the two bears, had shown up early like the professionals they were. By the time all the kids had arrived and donned their Hebrew garb, the two basses had warmed up, gotten into their costumes and gone through their duet with Zeb’s wife, Clarice, accompanying them on the piano. Codfish was in his costume as well, but after running through his aria, he disappeared into the parking lot to give Stuart’s grandfather a great deal on some farm-raised perch.

“
Moosey brought his frog with him!” said Mary. “Eeew!”

“
Don’t be such a tattletale,” said Moosey. “That’s just Ribbet. He’s in my pocket. I couldn’t leave him at home. Pauli Girl’s cleaning the house.”

“
Okay,” I said. “Line up on the steps. Let’s do our warm-ups. We’ll only have time to go through this once before the service.”

“
This Bluetooth works great,” said Zeb, fiddling with the Borg-like object protruding from his ear. “I’m going to remember this when we do
Love for Three Oranges
next year.”

“
Do we have time to rehearse the dance?” asked Cynthia. “It would be good to go through it once more.”

Moosey’s frog let loose a tremendous “Braaaaap!”

“
Eeew!” squealed Mary, as the boys rolled on the floor, laughing.

“
Moosey!” I said. “Give Meg the frog.”

“
I don’t want the frog,” said Meg.

“
Well…” I looked around. “Put him in the piano bench. He’ll be fine.”

“
Ye dreadful bears to me draw nigh and hear a Prophet’s awful cry!” sang Codfish from the back of the church.

This brought more giggles from the chorus and smiles from everyone else.

“
Let’s warm up,” I said. “Then do our run-through.”

•••

“
Hayden! Great to see you again!”

“
Well, I do declare,” I said. “Gaylen Weatherall!”

“
Congratulations! I heard you’d gotten married.”

“
I did, indeed. What are you doing here? I didn’t think you’d be arriving till sometime next month.”

“
I brought Dad back early. He’s going into an assisted living facility in Boone, so there wasn’t any sense in his staying out in Colorado and being miserable.” She tapped on her chest. “Emphysema,” she said.

“
Sorry to hear it.”

“
He smoked for forty years, then finally quit, but it was too late, I guess.”

“
I know you’d have liked to stay out there for a while.”

“
Yes, I would have, but these things happen. I’m still a bishop.”

“
So I gathered. I guess we’ll be the only parish in the country with a bishop as our rector.”

“
I’ll have to check on that, but you may be right. Is Meg here?”

I pointed to the choir loft. “Up there, I think. We’re doing a special musical presentation this morning.”

“
I heard. I can’t wait to see it.”

•••

For a Sunday in late June, the crowd for the service was pretty good. Attendance at St. Barnabas tended to go down in the summer months and back up in the winter when people were more likely to contemplate their own mortality. Nothing like a minus-ten degree windchill to freeze the immortal soul. When it was seventy-five degrees and beautiful out, it was easy to believe that God could be found anywhere, and that you’d just as likely encounter him on one of Watauga County’s fine golf courses as you would sitting in a stuffy old church.