The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (38 page)

“
I guess I’m
in the same boat as you now,” Jack said. “The search for the woman
of my dreams starts again.”

“
I guess so,”
I said. “Although where you are going to find a Harley Davidson
riding, triple-breasted woman who urinates Jack Daniels is beyond
me.”

Jack laughed. “Talking of dream
women, what are you going to do about Kelly?”

“
I honestly
don’t know,” I said. The decision to go to her last night was made
at the last minute so I didn’t have time to think about it. I had
spent the whole night thinking about nothing else but what I was
going to say to her today. I couldn’t sleep. “Do you think I’m
doing the right thing?”

“
Dan, listen
to me carefully,” Jack said joining me on the couch. “You never
truly know what you have got until it’s gone.” Jack looked at me
square in the eyes. “If I could go back and change everything, I
would. Don’t make the same mistake as me.”

This was
amazing; it was such a poignant moment. Jack – the happy-go-lucky
cockney who never took life too seriously – offering me a heartfelt
piece of advice. I got a lump in my throat and turned away. How
awkward would it be if
I
started to cry? I could see Jack eyeing up the
exits.

“
Do you really
mean that?” I asked. “You would go back and change
everything?”

Jack paused. He sat back in his
chair and looked towards the window. He looked back at me. It took
an age for him to answer.

“
Of course I
don’t bloody mean that,” he said in that cockney twang of his. “I’d
still bang everything with a pulse. If anything, I would go back
and do it all again!” Jack chuckled to himself.

I laughed with him, but already
my mind started to wander. Kelly was leaving tomorrow. I knew there
was no chance of anything happening between us. But that feeling
continued to nag away in the back of my mind, like a termite eating
its way through my conscience. How many times was I going to
convince myself that going to Kelly was a bad idea when everything
inside of me screamed the complete opposite?

“
I need to go
and tell Kelly how I feel,” I said out loud.

“
That’s the
spirit,” Jack said waving his clenched fist at me like Andy Murray
does after winning a set of tennis. “Go and get involved, my
son!”

I grabbed my trainers and
pulled them on without even untying the laces. I struggled with one
of the arms of my jacket, leaving me chasing the armless sleeve
like a dog chasing his tail. I snatched the keys off the table and
bolted towards the door.

“
Dan, before
you go,” Jack called out to me. He stood from the chair. I could
tell he was trying to search for the right words; profound words I
could take with me on this quest.

“
Are you sure
you don’t have any
porn?”

I slammed the door behind
me.

*

This was it. No going back now.
Sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. This wasn’t
just about sex. Kelly was everything I could have hoped for in a
girl. She was smart, funny, and easy going. It was a huge bonus
that she had big boobs. Okay, so it was a little bit about sex. I
didn’t expect Kelly to drop everything and stay in Balham and live
happily ever after, but I didn’t want her to go with the way I had
left things.

Against my better judgement, I
had acted like a complete twat, especially on her last day at work.
I had tried pretending that it was no big deal – like I wasn’t that
bothered she was leaving. Even Pete Crowford the IT geek had made
more of a fuss over her than I did. All I offered was a lacklustre
hug and wished her the best. Even if she slammed the door on my
face, at least she could go away safe in the knowledge that I cared
for her.

As I turned the corner of her
street I felt like I was actually turning a corner in my life.
Things were going to be okay. Kelly would understand. She was not
the type of girl to hold a grudge.

But nothing could have prepared
me for what I was about to face. Like a violent blow to the
stomach, my first reaction to what I had just seen forced me to
jerk backwards. The vision left me frozen, numb even. In a split
second my entire body shivered with shock. What the hell had I just
seen? Was it real or was my mind playing tricks on me? I quickly
stepped out of sight to try and compose myself. I felt like I had
been hit with a sledgehammer. My stomach churned like I was going
to throw up. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would never
have believed it.

What I had just witnessed was
Kelly opening her door, standing in her dressing gown. And she
wasn’t alone. Like someone with impaired vision, it took my eyes a
moment to adjust, but it didn’t take long for me to make out the
figure exiting her flat was male. On the face of it, I had no right
to judge. Kelly was a free agent and I had no one else to blame for
missing my chance but me.

But this was different.

I was too far away to work out
what they were saying to each other as they said their goodbyes,
but I was near enough to recognise that face. It was a face I’d
known since I was six-years-old.

It was Rob who had walked out
of her flat. It was Rob who now kissed her on the cheek, and held
on to her hand. Kelly hugged him, and my heart ached as their body
language told me everything I needed to know.

My legs felt like jelly. I was
deflated and tried to steady myself against the wall. I forced
myself to look again, to make sure this moment was real. I watched
Kelly wave goodbye to Rob as the snake walked down the street, once
glancing over his shoulder and then finally disappearing out of
view.

I fell back
against the wall and slid down it. My
best
friend. How could he do this to
me? My mind was still racing but this time in different directions.
Then something stuck in my thoughts, something Rob had said to me
at Paul’s birthday.

Twice that night he had asked
if I minded if he tried to pull Kelly. He had wrapped it up as
banter at the time, but now it was all making sense. This was
Debbie Chopman in the school playground all over again. This was
Rob proving to me how easily he could take someone I desired so
much. But this wasn’t a kids’ game of kiss chase. This was a
betrayal of the highest order.

The bastard, he had actually
done it. But how long had it been going on for? Maybe that is why
she had been so freaked out when I kissed her. I bet they had been
laughing at me all along, thinking that I would never find out
because Kelly would soon be leaving the country. And it was Rob who
stopped me going to her last night. It all made sense now.

Your best
friend has just pulled the girl of your dreams.
I needed a strong drink.

*

So here we are, back at the
beginning, or the end depending on which way you looked at things.
I sat on the curb outside the White Horse feeling pretty sorry for
myself. It was bad enough my best mate had betrayed me, but the
assault from the barmaid had been the cherry on the cake.

I pulled my phone out of my
pocket and started to type out a text message.

I just want to let you know
that I know what you have been doing behind my back. You call
yourself a friend? If I ever see you again it will be too soon.
We're done as mates.

I pressed the
send button and watched as my phone confirmed my message had been
sent to Rob. I sat there for a while before my phone started to
vibrate. I looked at the screen expecting it to be that traitor Rob
calling me to try and squirm his way out of this one. But it was
Kelly's name flashing up on the screen
.

She was some piece of work. She
was probably with him, and now they both knew I had rumbled them. I
thought about answering it, telling her exactly what I thought of
her. She would have deserved it. In the end though, I put the phone
back in my pocket. I simply didn’t have the energy left in me to
speak to her.

It was time to head home. I
picked myself up and slowly walked back to my flat. It was not like
I had anything to rush home for. I put the key in the lock and
opened the door. As soon as I entered I could hear the sounds of
sexual moans coming from my bedroom. I figured Jack had found the
computer and logged onto the internet.

I knocked on my bedroom door
just to give Jack enough time to pull his pants up just in case he
was doing something I really hoped he wasn’t. There are some things
you don’t ever want to see your friends doing.

And this would be one of them.
For the second time that day I found myself completely frozen,
staring in the face of pure horror. First Kelly and Rob, and now
this!

“
Señor Hilles,
so sorry!” Rosalie screeched. “I clean! I clean!”

“
Where have
you been hiding this little señorita?” Jack asked as he continued
to hump my cleaner from behind. “Do us a favour mate and put the
kettle on. I’ll be done in a few minutes.”

I closed the
door. I could still hear Rosalie as I walked down the hall. And I
could have sworn I heard Jack say “
taste
your ass
”
as I
quietly left the flat again. I stepped outside and looked up to my
bedroom window and laughed. Despite everything, I still had to
smile.

“
What’s so
funny?”

It was Kelly.
What was
she
doing here?

“
What are you
doing here?” I asked.

“
I tried
calling, but you didn’t pick-up. I need to talk to you. I need to
tell you something.”

“
Oh save your
breath, Kelly, I already know.” I said. There was no way I was
going to give her satisfaction of giving me some bullshit story
about how it
just happened
with her and Rob. “Save it for someone who cares,
because I’ve got nothing to say to you,” I snapped, storming past
her.

“
Why are you
being like this?” she cried out after me. I spun round. If she
really wanted to know I would tell her. She could then carry that
on her conscience as she was travelling around the
world.

“
I saw you,
Kelly,” I said. She pulled a face like she didn’t know what I was
talking about. “I saw you with Rob. This morning. Coming out of
your flat.”

“
Oh,” was all
she could say.

“
I saw the two
of you. So now I know, okay.”

“
And you put
two and two together did you?”

“
Don’t insult
my intelligence,” I said. “Just go and leave me alone.” And I
turned to walk away, but not before saying “Have a nice life.” I
purposely chose the words Paul had texted her when they broke
up.

Kelly grabbed my arm. “I don’t
know what you think you saw, but whatever it is, you have it
completely wrong.”

“
Oh please
Kelly, I haven’t got time for this...”

“
If you must
know, Rob came around to tell me how stupid I would be if I left
without saying a proper goodbye to you.”

I was stunned into silence.

“
He told me
you came looking for me last night,” she continued. “He told me
what happened.” She paused as though she was trying to stop herself
from crying. “He told me how you felt.”

I was lost for words. It was so
much to take in. How could I have been so wrong? I felt a complete
fool for the way I had treated Kelly. For the way I had jumped to
conclusions with her and Rob.

“
Kelly, I’m
so...”

“
Forget it,”
she said. “
You
have a nice life.” And she turned and walked away.

I watched as she started to
disappear for the second time in as many days. But this time I
wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. I ran to catch up with
her. I pulled her around by the shoulder. She shrugged me away, but
I pulled her back.

“
Please,
listen to me,” I said as I pulled her to face me. I could see the
tears, I knew I had put them there, and I knew I had to make things
right. “I’m an idiot. I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. I don’t
know why you should give me a second chance. God knows I don’t
deserve one. But I need you to know something. I need you to
know...”

I tried thinking of the words
that would repair this damage. I needed it to be magical, something
Kelly would remember for the next 12 months. This was my one and
only chance. But I couldn’t find the words, not words that would do
this justice.

“
You need me
to know what?” she asked, a single tear rolling down her
face.

I kissed her. I pulled her
close and I kissed her. And this time she kissed me back. I felt
one of her tears trickle down on to my cheek as she closed her eyes
tightly, but this time I knew the tears were there for the right
reason. I didn’t want to stop kissing her. I wanted this moment to
last forever.

But I knew eventually we would
both have to come up for air.

“
Wow,” she
whispered, almost stunned as we pulled our lips away from one
another.

“
That’s what I
needed you to know,” I said wiping the tear from her cheek. “I’m so
sorry Kelly.”

“
Shhh,” she
held her finger up to my lips. “It doesn’t matter now.”

And she was right. Everything
that needed to be said, the feelings between us, had already been
said in that moment.