The E. Nesbit Megapack: 26 Classic Novels and Stories (177 page)

‘I’m sorry if she frightened you. But we’ve been looking for you. Are you Albert’s uncle’s long-lost grandmother?’

‘
No
,’ said our lady unhesitatingly.

It seemed vain to add seven more agitated actors to the scene now going on. We stood still. The man was standing up. He was a clergyman, and I found out afterwards he was the nicest we ever knew except our own Mr Briston at Lewisham, who is now a canon or a dean, or something grand that no one ever sees. At present I did not like him. He said, ‘No, this lady is nobody’s grandmother. May I ask in return how long it is since you escaped from the lunatic asylum, my poor child, and whence your keeper is?’

H. O. took no notice of this at all, except to say, ‘I think you are very rude, and not at all funny, if you think you are.’

The lady said, ‘My dear, I remember you now perfectly. How are all the others, and are you pilgrims again today?’

H. O. does not always answer questions. He turned to the man and said—

‘Are you going to marry the lady?’

‘Margaret,’ said the clergyman, ‘I never thought it would come to this: he asks me my intentions.’

‘If you
are
,’ said H. O., ‘it’s all right, because if you do Albert’s uncle can’t—at least, not till you’re dead. And we don’t want him to.’

‘Flattering, upon my word,’ said the clergyman, putting on a deep frown. ‘Shall I call him out, Margaret, for his poor opinion of you, or shall I send for the police?’

Alice now saw that H. O., though firm, was getting muddled and rather scared. She broke cover and sprang into the middle of the scene.

‘Don’t let him rag H. O. any more,’ she said, ‘it’s all our faults. You see, Albert’s uncle was so anxious to find you, we thought perhaps you were his long-lost heiress sister or his old nurse who alone knew the secret of his birth, or something, and we asked him, and he said you were his long-lost grandmother he had known in India. And we thought that must be a mistake and that really you were his long-lost sweetheart. And we tried to do a really unselfish act and find you for him. Because we don’t want him to be married at all.’

‘It isn’t because we don’t like
you
,’ Oswald cut in, now emerging from the bushes, ‘and if he must marry, we’d sooner it was you than anyone. Really we would.’

‘A generous concession, Margaret,’ the strange clergyman uttered, ‘most generous, but the plot thickens. It’s almost pea-soup-like now. One or two points clamour for explanation. Who are these visitors of yours? Why this Red Indian method of paying morning calls? Why the lurking attitude of the rest of the tribe which I now discern among the undergrowth? Won’t you ask the rest of the tribe to come out and join the glad throng?’

Then I liked him better. I always like people who know the same songs we do, and books and tunes and things.

The others came out. The lady looked very uncomfy, and partly as if she was going to cry. But she couldn’t help laughing too, as more and more of us came out.

‘And who,’ the clergyman went on, ‘who in fortune’s name is Albert? And who is his uncle? And what have they or you to do in this galery—I mean garden?’

We all felt rather silly, and I don’t think I ever felt more than then what an awful lot there were of us.

‘Three years’ absence in Calcutta or elsewhere may explain my ignorance of these details, but still—’

‘I think we’d better go,’ said Dora. ‘I’m sorry if we’ve done anything rude or wrong. We didn’t mean to. Good-bye. I hope you’ll be happy with the gentleman, I’m sure.’

‘I
hope
so too,’ said Noël, and I know he was thinking how much nicer Albert’s uncle was.

We turned to go. The lady had been very silent compared with what she was when she pretended to show us Canterbury. But now she seemed to shake off some dreamy silliness and caught hold of Dora by the shoulder.

‘No, dear, no,’ she said, ‘it’s all right, and you must have some tea—we’ll have it on the lawn. John, don’t tease them any more. Albert’s uncle is the gentleman I told you about. And, my dear children, this is my brother that I haven’t seen for three years.’

‘Then he’s a long-lost too,’ said H. O.

The lady said ‘Not now’ and smiled at him.

And the rest of us were dumb with confounding emotions. Oswald was particularly dumb. He might have known it was her brother, because in rotten grown-up books if a girl kisses a man in a shrubbery that is not the man you think she’s in love with; it always turns out to be a brother, though generally the disgrace of the family and not a respectable chaplain from Calcutta.

The lady now turned to her reverend and surprising brother and said, ‘John, go and tell them we’ll have tea on the lawn.’

When he was gone she stood quite still a minute. Then she said, ‘I’m going to tell you something, but I want to put you on your honour not to talk about it to other people. You see it isn’t everyone I would tell about it. He, Albert’s uncle, I mean, has told me a lot about you, and I know I can trust you.’

We said ‘Yes,’ Oswald with a brooding sentiment of knowing all too well what was coming next.

The lady then said, ‘Though I am not Albert’s uncle’s grandmother I did know him in India once, and we were going to be married, but we had a—a—misunderstanding.’

‘Quarrel?’ ‘Row?’ said Noël and H. O. at once.

‘Well, yes, a quarrel, and he went away. He was in the Navy then. And then…well, we were both sorry, but well, anyway, when his ship came back we’d gone to Constantinople, then to England, and he couldn’t find us. And he says he’s been looking for me ever since.’

‘Not you for him?’ said Noël.

‘Well, perhaps,’ said the lady.

And the girls said ‘Ah!’ with deep interest. The lady went on more quickly, ‘And then I found you, and then he found me, and now I must break it to you. Try to bear up.’

She stopped. The branches cracked, and Albert’s uncle was in our midst. He took off his hat. ‘Excuse my tearing my hair,’ he said to the lady, ‘but has the pack really hunted you down?’

‘It’s all right,’ she said, and when she looked at him she got miles prettier quite suddenly. ‘I was just breaking to them…’

‘Don’t take that proud privilege from me,’ he said. ‘Kiddies, allow me to present you to the future Mrs Albert’s uncle, or shall we say Albert’s new aunt?’

* * * *

There was a good deal of explaining done before tea—about how we got there, I mean, and why. But after the first bitterness of disappointment we felt not nearly so sorry as we had expected to. For Albert’s uncle’s lady was very jolly to us, and her brother was awfully decent, and showed us a lot of first-class native curiosities and things, unpacking them on purpose; skins of beasts, and beads, and brass things, and shells from different savage lands besides India. And the lady told the girls that she hoped they would like her as much as she liked them, and if they wanted a new aunt she would do her best to give satisfaction in the new situation. And Alice thought of the Murdstone aunt belonging to Daisy and Denny, and how awful it would have been if Albert’s uncle had married
her
. And she decided, she told me afterwards, that we might think ourselves jolly lucky it was no worse.

Then the lady led Oswald aside, pretending to show him the parrot which he had explored thoroughly before, and told him she was not like some people in books. When she was married she would never try to separate her husband from his bachelor friends, she only wanted them to be her friends as well.

Then there was tea, and thus all ended in amicableness, and the reverend and friendly drove us home in a wagonette. But for Martha we shouldn’t have had tea, or explanations, or lift or anything. So we honoured her, and did not mind her being so heavy and walking up and down constantly on our laps as we drove home.

And that is all the story of the long-lost grandmother and Albert’s uncle. I am afraid it is rather dull, but it was very important (to him), so I felt it ought to be narrated. Stories about lovers and getting married are generally slow. I like a love-story where the hero parts with the girl at the garden-gate in the gloaming and goes off and has adventures, and you don’t see her any more till he comes home to marry her at the end of the book. And I suppose people have to marry. Albert’s uncle is awfully old—more than thirty, and the lady is advanced in years—twenty-six next Christmas. They are to be married then. The girls are to be bridesmaids in white frocks with fur. This quite consoles them. If Oswald repines sometimes, he hides it. What’s the use? We all have to meet our fell destiny, and Albert’s uncle is not extirpated from this awful law.

Now the finding of the long-lost was the very last thing we did for the sake of its being a noble act, so that is the end of the Wouldbegoods, and there are no more chapters after this. But Oswald hates books that finish up without telling you the things you might want to know about the people in the book. So here goes.

We went home to the beautiful Blackheath house. It seemed very stately and mansion-like after the Moat House, and everyone was most frightfully pleased to see us.

Mrs Pettigrew
cried
when we went away. I never was so astonished in my life. She made each of the girls a fat red pincushion like a heart, and each of us boys had a knife bought out of the housekeeping (I mean housekeeper’s own) money.

Bill Simpkins is happy as sub-under-gardener to Albert’s uncle’s lady’s mother. They do keep three gardeners—I knew they did. And our tramp still earns enough to sleep well on from our dear old Pig-man.

Our last three days were entirely filled up with visits of farewell sympathy to all our many friends who were so sorry to lose us. We promised to come and see them next year. I hope we shall.

Denny and Daisy went back to live with their father at Forest Hill. I don’t think they’ll ever be again the victims of the Murdstone aunt—who is really a great-aunt and about twice as much in the autumn of her days as our new Albert’s-uncle aunt. I think they plucked up spirit enough to tell their father they didn’t like her—which they’d never thought of doing before. Our own robber says their holidays in the country did them both a great deal of good. And he says us Bastables have certainly taught Daisy and Denny the rudiments of the art of making home happy. I believe they have thought of several quite new naughty things entirely on their own—and done them too—since they came back from the Moat House.

I wish you didn’t grow up so quickly. Oswald can see that ere long he will be too old for the kind of games we can all play, and he feels grown-upness creeping inevitably upon him. But enough of this.

And now, gentle reader, farewell. If anything in these chronicles of the Wouldbegoods should make you try to be good yourself, the author will be very glad, of course. But take my advice and don’t make a society for trying in. It is much easier without.

And do try to forget that Oswald has another name besides Bastable. The one beginning with C., I mean. Perhaps you have not noticed what it was. If so, don’t look back for it. It is a name no manly boy would like to be called by—if he spoke the truth. Oswald is said to be a very manly boy, and he despises that name, and will never give it to his own son when he has one. Not if a rich relative offered to leave him an immense fortune if he did. Oswald would still be firm. He would, on the honour of the House of Bastable.

THE ROAD TO ROME; OR, THE SILLY STOWAWAY

We Bastables have only two uncles, and neither of them, are our own natural-born relatives. One is a great-uncle, and the other is the uncle from his birth of Albert, who used to live next door to us in the Lewisham Road. When we first got to know him (it was over some baked potatoes, and is quite another story) we called him Albert-next-door’s-Uncle, and then Albert’s uncle for short. But Albert’s uncle and my father joined in taking a jolly house in the country, called the Moat House, and we stayed there for our summer holidays; and it was there, through an accident to a pilgrim with peas in his shoes—that’s another story too—that we found Albert’s uncle’s long-lost love; and as she was very old indeed—twenty-six next birthday—and he was ever so much older in the vale of years, he had to get married almost directly, and it was fixed for about Christmas-time. And when our holidays came the whole six of us went down to the Moat House with Father and Albert’s uncle. We never had a Christmas in the country before. It was simply ripping. And the long-lost love—her name was Miss Ashleigh, but we were allowed to call her Aunt Margaret even before the wedding made it really legal for us to do so—she and her jolly clergyman brother used to come over, and sometimes we went to the Cedars, where they live, and we had games and charades, and hide-and-seek, and Devil in the Dark, which is a game girls pretend to like, and very few do really, and crackers and a Christmas-tree for the village children, and everything you can jolly well think of.

And all the time, whenever we went to the Cedars, there was all sorts of silly fuss going on about the beastly wedding; boxes coming from London with hats and jackets in, and wedding presents—all glassy and silvery, or else brooches and chains—and clothes sent down from London to choose from. I can’t think how a lady can want so many petticoats and boots and things just because she’s going to be married. No man would think of getting twenty-four shirts and twenty-four waistcoats, and so on, just to be married in.

“It’s because they’re going to Rome, I think,” Alice said, when we talked it over before the fire in the kitchen the day Mrs. Pettigrew went to see her aunt, and we were allowed to make toffee. “You see, in Rome you can only buy Roman clothes, and I think they’re all stupid bright colours—at least I know the sashes are. You stir now, Oswald. My face is all burnt black.”

Oswald took the spoon, though it was really not his turn by three; but he is one whose nature is so that he cannot make a fuss about little things—and he knows he can make toffee.

“Lucky hounds,” H.O. said, “to be going to Rome. I wish I was.”

“Hounds isn’t polite, H.O., dear,” Dora said; and H.O. said—

“Well, lucky bargees, then.”

“It’s the dream of my life to go to Rome,” Noël said. Noël is our poet brother. “Just think of what the man says in the ‘Roman Road.’ I wish they’d take me.”

“They won’t,” Dicky said. “It costs a most awful lot. I heard Father saying so only yesterday.”

“It would only be the fare,” Noël answered; “and I’d go third, or even in a cattle-truck, or a luggage van. And when I got there I could easily earn my own living. I’d make ballads and sing them in the streets. The Italians would give me lyres—that’s the Italian kind of shilling, they spell it with an i. It shows how poetical they are out there, their calling it that.”

“But you couldn’t make Italian poetry,” H.O. said, staring at Noël with his mouth open.

“Oh, I don’t know so much about that,” Noël said. “I could jolly soon learn anyway, and just to begin with I’d do it in English. There are sure to be some people who would understand. And if they didn’t, don’t you think their warm Southern hearts would be touched to see a pale, slender, foreign figure singing plaintive ballads in an unknown tongue? I do. Oh! they’d chuck along the lyres fast enough—they’re not hard and cold like North people. Why, every one here is a brewer, or a baker, or a banker, or a butcher, or something dull. Over there they’re all bandits, or vineyardiners, or play the guitar, or something, and they crush the red grapes and dance and laugh in the sun—you know jolly well they do.”

“This toffee’s about done,” said Oswald suddenly. “H.O., shut your silly mouth and get a cupful of cold water.” And then, what with dropping a little of the toffee into the water to see if it was ready, and pouring some on a plate that wasn’t buttered and not being able to get it off again when it was cold without breaking the plate, and the warm row there was about its being one of the best dinner-service ones, the wild romances of Noël’s poetical intellect went out of our heads altogether; and it was not till later, and when deep in the waters of affliction, that they were brought back to us.

Next day H.O. said to Dora, “I want to speak to you all by yourself and me.” So they went into the secret staircase that creaks and hasn’t been secret now for countless years; and after that Dora did some white sewing she wouldn’t let us look at, and H.O. helped her.

“It’s another wedding present, you may depend,” Dicky said—“a beastly surprise, I shouldn’t wonder.” And no more was said. The rest of us were busy skating on the moat, for it was now freezing hard. Dora never did care for skating; she says it hurts her feet.

And now Christmas and Boxing Day passed like a radiating dream, and it was the wedding-day. We all had to go to the bride’s mother’s house before the wedding, so as to go to church with the wedding party. The girls had always wanted to be somebody’s bridesmaids, and now they were—in white cloth coats like coachmen, with lots of little capes, and white beaver bonnets. They didn’t look so bad, though rather as if they were in a Christmas card; and their dresses were white silk like pocket-handkerchiefs under the long coats. And their shoes had real silver buckles our great Indian uncle gave them. H.O. went back just as the waggonette was starting, and came out with a big brown-paper parcel. We thought it was the secret surprise present Dora had been making, and, indeed, when I asked her she nodded. We little recked what it really was, or how our young brother was going to shove himself forward once again. He will do it. Nothing you say is of any lasting use.

There were a great many people at the wedding—quite crowds. There was lots to eat and drink, and though it was all cold, it did not matter, because there were blazing fires in every fireplace in the house, and the place all decorated with holly and mistletoe and things. Every one seemed to enjoy themselves very much, except Albert’s uncle and his blushing bride; and they looked desperate. Every one said how sweet she looked, but Oswald thought she looked as if she didn’t like being married as much as she expected. She was not at all a blushing bride really; only the tip of her nose got pink, because it was rather cold in the church. But she is very jolly.

Her reverend but nice brother read the marriage service. He reads better than any one I know, but he is not a bit of a prig really, when you come to know him.

When the rash act was done Albert’s uncle and his bride went home in a carriage all by themselves, and then we had the lunch and drank the health of the bride in real champagne, though Father said we kids must only have just a taste. I’m sure Oswald, for one, did not want any more; one taste was quite enough. Champagne is like soda-water with medicine in it. The sherry we put sugar in once was much more decent.

Then Miss Ashleigh—I mean Mrs. Albert’s uncle—went away and took off her white dress and came back looking much warmer. Dora heard the housemaid say afterwards that the cook had stopped the bride on the stairs with “a basin of hot soup, that would take no denial, because the bride, poor dear young thing, not a bite or sup had passed her lips that day.” We understood then why she had looked so unhappy. But Albert’s uncle had had a jolly good breakfast—fish and eggs and bacon and three goes of marmalade. So it was not hunger made him sad. Perhaps he was thinking what a lot of money it cost to be married and go to Rome.

A little before the bride went to change, H.O. got up and reached his brown-paper parcel from under the sideboard and sneaked out. We thought he might have let us see it given, whatever it was. And Dora said she had understood he meant to; but it was his secret.

The bride went away looking quite comfy in a furry cloak, and Albert’s uncle cheered up at the last and threw off the burden of his cares and made a joke. I forget what it was; it wasn’t a very good one, but it showed he was trying to make the best of things.

Then the Bridal Sufferers drove away, with the luggage on a cart—heaps and heaps of it, and we all cheered and threw rice and slippers. Mrs. Ashleigh and some other old ladies cried.

And then every one said, “What a pretty wedding!” and began to go. And when our waggonette came round we all began to get in. And suddenly Father said—

“Where’s H.O.?” And we looked round. He was in absence.

“Fetch him along sharp—some of you,” Father said; “I don’t want to keep the horses standing here in the cold all day.”

So Oswald and Dicky went to fetch him along. We thought he might have wandered back to what was left of the lunch—for he is young and he does not always know better. But he was not there, and Oswald did not even take a crystallised fruit in passing. He might easily have done this, and no one would have minded, so it would not have been wrong. But it would have been ungentlemanly. Dicky did not either. H.O. was not there.

We went into the other rooms, even the one the old ladies were crying in, but of course we begged their pardons. And at last into the kitchen, where the servants were smart with white bows and just sitting down to their dinner, and Dicky said—

“I say, cookie love, have you seen H.O.?”

“Don’t come here with your imperence!” the cook said, but she was pleased with Dicky’s unmeaning compliment all the same.

“I see him,” said the housemaid. “He was colloguing with the butcher in the yard a bit since. He’d got a brown-paper parcel. Perhaps he got a lift home.”

So we went and told Father, and about the white present in the parcel.

“I expect he was ashamed to give it after all,” Oswald said, “so he hooked off home with it.”

And we got into the wagonette.

“It wasn’t a present, though,” Dora said; “it was a different kind of surprise—but it really is a secret.”

Our good Father did not command her to betray her young brother.

But when we got home H.O. wasn’t there. Mrs. Pettigrew hadn’t seen him, and he was nowhere about. Father biked back to the Cedars to see if he’d turned up. No. Then all the gentlemen turned out to look for him through the length and breadth of the land.

“He’s too old to be stolen by gipsies,” Alice said.

“And too ugly,” said Dicky.

“Oh don’t!” said both the girls; “and now when he’s lost, too!”

We had looked for a long time before Mrs. Pettigrew came in with a parcel she said the butcher had left. It was not addressed, but we knew it was H.O.’s, because of the label on the paper from the shop where Father gets his shirts. Father opened it at once.

Inside the parcel we found H.O.’s boots and braces, his best hat and his chest-protector. And Oswald felt as if we had found his skeleton.

“Any row with any of you?” Father asked. But there hadn’t been any.

“Was he worried about anything? Done anything wrong, and afraid to own up?”

We turned cold, for we knew what he meant. That parcel was so horribly like the lady’s hat and gloves that she takes off on the seashore and leaves with a letter saying it has come to this.

“No, no, no, NO!” we all said. “He was perfectly jolly all the morning.”

Then suddenly Dicky leaned on the table and one of H.O.’s boots toppled over, and there was something white inside. It was a letter. H.O. must have written it before we left home. It said—

“Dear Father and Every One,—I am going to be a Clown. When I am rich and reveared I will come back rolling.

“Your affectionate son,

“Horace Octavius Bastable.”

“Rolling?” Father said.

“He means rolling in money,” Alice said. Oswald noticed that every one round the table where H.O.’s boots were dignifiedly respected as they lay, was a horrid pale colour, like when the salt is thrown into snapdragons.

“Oh dear!” Dora cried, “that was it. He asked me to make him a clown’s dress and keep it deeply secret. He said he wanted to surprise Aunt Margaret and Albert’s uncle. And I didn’t think it was wrong,” said Dora, screwing up her face; she then added, “Oh dear, oh dear, oh, oh!” and with these concluding remarks she began to howl.

Father thumped her on the back in an absent yet kind way.

“But where’s he gone?” he said, not to any one in particular. “I saw the butcher; he said H.O. asked him to take a parcel home and went back round the Cedars.”

Here Dicky coughed and said—

“I didn’t think he meant anything, but the day after Noël was talking about singing ballads in Rome, and getting poet’s lyres given him, H.O. did say if Noël had been really keen on the Roman lyres and things he could easily have been a stowaway, and gone unknown.”

“A stowaway!” said my Father, sitting down suddenly and hard.

“In Aunt Margaret’s big dress basket—the one she let him hide in when we had hide-and-seek there. He talked a lot about it after Noël had said that about the lyres—and the Italians being so poetical, you know. You remember that day we had toffee.”

My Father is prompt and decisive in action, so is his eldest son.

“I’m off to the Cedars,” he said.

“Do let me come, Father,” said the decisive son. “You may want to send a message.”

So in a moment Father was on his bike and Oswald on the step—a dangerous but delightful spot—and off to the Cedars.

“Have your teas; and don’t any more of you get lost, and don’t sit up if we’re late,” Father howled to them as we rushed away. How glad then the thoughtful Oswald was that he was the eldest. It was very cold in the dusk on the bicycle, but Oswald did not complain.

At the Cedars my father explained in a few manly but well-chosen words, and the apartment of the dear departed bride was searched.

“Because,” said my father, “if H.O. really was little ass enough to get into that basket, he must have turned out something to make room for himself.”

Sure enough, when they came to look, there was a great bundle rolled in a sheet under the bed—all lace things and petticoats and ribbons and dressing-gowns and ladies’ flummery.

“If you will put the things in something else, I’ll catch the express to Dover and take it with me,” Father said to Mrs. Ashleigh; and while she packed the things he explained to some of the crying old ladies who had been unable to leave off, how sorry he was that a son of his—but you know the sort of thing.

Oswald said: “Father, I wish you’d let me come too. I won’t be a bit of trouble.”

Perhaps it was partly because my Father didn’t want to let me walk home in the dark, and he didn’t want to worry the Ashleighs any more by asking them to send me home. He said this was why, but I hope it was his loving wish to have his prompt son, so like himself in his decisiveness, with him.

We went.

It was an anxious journey. We knew how far from pleased the bride would be to find no dressing-gowns and ribbons, but only H.O. crying and cross and dirty, as likely as not, when she opened the basket at the hotel at Dover.

Father smoked to pass the time, but Oswald had not so much as a peppermint or a bit of Spanish liquorice to help him through the journey. Yet he bore up.

When we got out at Dover there were Mr. and Mrs. Albert’s uncle on the platform.