The Edge of Honor (83 page)

She needed more than the occasional excitement of a sailor’s homecoming.

But maybe that’s what the wives had found out: You share with your husband when he’s there, and with the rest of the wives when he’s not.

Now she felt she was ready to talk to Mrs. Huntington, to try to express some of these feelings, not in justification or defense of what she had done so much as in an effort to see if, in the older woman’s experience, there was room for her, after all.

She picked up the phone. It was 8:30 at night. She dialed the number.

The phone rang four times. She was about to hang up when Mrs. Huntington picked up.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Huntington, this is Maddy Holcomb.”

“Yes, dear. It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Mrs. Huntington, I, um, I think I’m ready to talk to you. Privately.

Actually, I’ve been getting up the nerve to call you for a couple of days. I’d like to come over.

Tonight, if I may.”

“Maddy, are you all right? You’re not in any trouble are you? Is someone … bothering you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I’ve made some decisions about my future, and I wanted to talk to someone who, well, who has experience with this Navy wife business.”

|> “I see. I’d be delighted to have you come over. I’ll put the coffee on and we can sit up and talk all night if you’d like to; heaven knows, I’ve done that before. You come right ahead. And bring your things—the ferry stops running a little after midnight. You can use the guest room and go to work tomorrow right from here. It’s not a problem at all, okay? You come right ahead.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Huntington. I’ll be there in a bit.”

An hour later, overnight bag in hand, Maddy was walking through the Huntingtons’ front hall to the living room. Mrs. Huntington was dressed in slacks and a sweater, with slippers on her feet. She had greeted Maddy with a smile and an uncharacteristic hug, taken her coat, and then led her to the captain’s study to talk.

Maddy had never been in the study. It was a large square room with bookcases on two sides. On a third wall were ship’s plaques, two ship’s bells, a barometer, a couple of flags folded into triangular cases, and a dozen pictures of the captain in various naval settings during his career.

The fourth wall held a set of French windows that looked out into the Huntingtons’ walled backyard. A brilliant Oriental rug covered almost the entire floor; a small gas fireplace hissed in one corner. Two large leather chairs and a desk completed the room.

“This is the ‘I love me’ room,” Mrs. Huntington said with a smile.

“Every naval captain has one.”

Maddy laughed as she remembered Brian’s efforts to turn one corner of their apartment into a similar shrine.

Mrs. Huntington had set up coffee and cookies on a small table between the two leather chairs, along with a silver tray with liqueurs and two snifters. Maddy chose coffee and sat down in one of the chairs, away from the fire. She was wearing wool slacks and a light blue sweater over a silk blouse in deference to the cool autumn temperatures.

Mrs. Huntington took a cup of coffee as well, then sat back.

“Well, dear, I think the expression is, It’s your nickel,” she said.

Maddy took a deep breath. She had been having second thoughts ever since she had seen the pictures and the plaques. Was this a smart thing to do?

Was she somehow imperiling Brian’s career by coming over here to reveal some pretty private thoughts to the captain’s wife? But then she told herself, Consider what she already knows.

“Right,” she began, then cleared her throat. “Well, I think this deployment has brought me to kind of a crossroads in my marriage to Brian. The last thing I ever envisioned happening was what did happen—I got involved with another man.” She told Mrs. Huntington the story of Autrey, starting with the night at MCRD and ending with the fact that Autrey was now gone, probably overseas to Vietnam.

Mrs. Huntington’s only reaction during the entire recitation was a small frown at the mention of Tizzy Hudson’s name, but Maddy pressed on.

“We—I mean Brian and I—did not part gracefully when the ship left.

I’ve come to see now that that was mostly my fault and that I was behaving selfishly. And since then, what with the letters being as much as six weeks out of phase, a not very good phone call from Subic, and some of the things going on in the ship … well, Brian’s not having the best time of his life, either.

Now, what you said the other day really made me think about what I want out of life. I’m pretty sure I can bury the fact that I got involved with Autrey, especially since I think—no, I know—I want to try this Navy marriage business again.”

She went on to tell the captain’s wife what she had decided, then asked her what she thought. Mrs. Hunting ton sipped her coffee thoughtfully for a few minutes, staring into the fire for so long that Maddy was beginning to wonder whether she had been listening.

“Well,” she said finally, putting down her cup, “that’s a big decision indeed. Let me ask you something. In light of what’s just happened, do you feel that you can be faithful to Brian from here on out? I mean, what’s to keep this all from happening again?”

Maddy uncrossed her legs and sat forward in the chair.

“In a nutshell, I think it has to do with my knowing what I want out of marriage. With Autrey, I satisfied my fear of being alone, but it didn’t really work, did it? Autrey got what he wanted, and then he, too, was gone. As you pointed out.”

“But your own needs had to have had a part in all that, Maddy. Can you reasonably expect Brian to meet those needs, assuming that he’s going to stay in the Navy and go on with his career?”

Maddy frowned. “I thought you would approve this decision, Mrs. Huntington.”

“I’m all for it, Maddy, as long as you know what you’re deciding.

Because, believe me, it would be better for you and for Brian if you told him what’s happened and go ahead and take the consequences than to fool yourself into thinking that all you have to do is join the wives’ club to solve your problem. You’re a beautiful woman, Maddy. This problem is probably going to come up again.”

Maddy shook her head. “My attraction to Autrey was always, to put it bluntly, entirely physical. It surprised me that I hadn’t … I don’t know, outgrown that part of me after college. I was always in control in college.

Autrey ambushed me; he was just better at it than I was, I guess. But what I recognized now is that I was all wrapped up in myself, my problems, my loneliness, my needs, instead of focusing on our marriage.”

“I guess the key question then, Maddy, is whether or not Brian can fulfill your expectations on a full-time basis, whether he’s there or not. Because if you truly need many men in your life, then it doesn’t matter whether Brian stays home or not, in which case you’d be better off to let him go now and not destroy his naval career.”

Maddy shook her head. “Deep down inside, it’s not many men I need. I just need a full-time man. Brian and I usually get along famously. It’s only when these damned deployments, or shipyard trips, or refresher training, or fleet exercises come along that I have trouble. I’ve always understood what’s expected. What’s expected is that I put up with the separation and knuckle down and be a good little Navy wife. I’m sorry—that was patronizing.

But what I meant was that there is a clearly defined role.

I’m just now understanding that this role can be a means to an end, which is a stable marriage based on all the usual things—love, shared expectations, plans for the future, children. The part of me that fell for Autrey just has to go back in its box until I can figure out a way to make it useful to my marriage. Hell, I don’t know if I can succeed at this. What’s changed is that I’m willing to try.

That’s the essence of it, and that’s why I’m here imposing on you.”

Mrs. Huntington leaned forward and poured herself some more coffee.

“You’re not imposing, Maddy, and I’m not questioning your sincerity.

This must be very difficult to talk about. I know it would be for me. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that you are a generation younger than I am and that your generation has come along in these …

Well, disturbed times. Let me tell you a little bit about my marriage so you can see where I’m coming from, as they say nowadays, and then perhaps I can give you some more advice. Mercy, as soon as I think of what to say.”

Maddy smiled and sat back to listen. Mrs. Huntington told her the story of her marriage to Warren Huntington, from the early days as ensign through almost three decades of steady advancement in the Navy.

“He’s gone from seaman recruit to Captain, USN, Maddy, and the Navy has a special place in its heart for men who accomplish this. They are held up as examples to young recruits everywhere as symbols of what an opportunity a service career presents. And when he got the Navy Cross for throwing that bomb fuze over the side, his future was just about guaranteed. As was mine, you see. I won’t say that I was never tempted to stray during all those years, but, for me, it was much easier to play it straight. The direct consequences of being unfaithful became much greater as time went on and both he and I had more to lose as he went up the ladder. I’m not saying it’s perfection; far from it. But you learn, over time, what to say and what not to say, when to fight and when to give, how to disagree—you know, the rules, and these are rules you apply only to this one person. And, of course, we had three children, which makes an enormous difference. I think another secret has been that we both used the separations to refresh and strengthen the emotional ties. You tend to say things in letters that you forget to say around the house, and while you may both be a little embarrassed by those thoughts later on, they’re still there. And if it works, you tend to become very close indeed. That closeness is amplified by every instance of what you see happening around you in other marriages, where perhaps it’s not so good.”

“Like mine.”

“Well, yes, like yours. And I don’t mean that to criticize you or hurt your feelings. But it makes a large difference when marriage is the only or main thing you have at your life’s center, marriage, children, a family, even if it’s a family operating under special circumstances.

Now, of course it makes you more vulnerable, too, because if that all blows up and sinks, you’re left with nothing and you have to start over.

That’s the risk.

But the risk is what generates the value, I think, and when you value something, you don’t stray. Maybe that’s a bit too simplistic, but—”

Maddy shook her head. “No, I understand it perfectly.

I do have at least a start on a career in finance, and the fact that we don’t have children at least implies that other avenues are still open, I guess. I’ve never consciously looked at it that way, but I suppose it’s true. And maybe having all these alternatives blinded me to what I really wanted out of marriage, and life, for that matter.” She paused.

“You spoke of risk; for me, the risk is that I’ll screw it up.”

“Well, and then there’s Brian. He’ll have something to say about all this, won’t he?”

Maddy shook her head slowly. “No, I don’t think so, Mrs. Huntington,”

she said. “This is something else I’ve come to understand, I think. It’s our call, isn’t it, as to whether this marriage business works, whether it’s in the Navy or in the civilian world? I don’t think Brian has all these problems; he’s pretty much a straight-ahead kind of guy. He showed me what and who he was, showed me that he loved me, and asked me to marry him. I fell in love, said yes, and then made promises I didn’t keep. If this is going to work, it’ll be because
I make it work.”p>

Mrs. Huntington just looked at her for a moment. Then she smiled. “Well, Maddy, if you’ve grasped that truth, you’ll have no problems whatsoever.

Being a Navy wife is child’s play compared with learning that lesson.

Shall we switch to cognac?”

Maddy relaxed with the compliment and they talked after that, comparing their upbringing, their families, and their college and Navy experiences. Inevitably, the conversation came around to the ship.

“You mentioned things going on in the ship that were making Brian’s life difficult. I must admit, this cruise in Hood has been somewhat different for us. Warren’s told me very little about what’s going on. His letters have been … well, lighter, more superficial than in past cruises. I’m actually kind of worried about him. He is sixty, you know.”

Maddy bit her lip. Brian had not wanted to talk too much about this either, at least in part because he was apparently going against the wishes of the captain.

“It has to do with drugs,” she said finally. “There’s apparently a lot of drug use in the ship and it’s caused some big problems.”

“Ah. Drugs. Warren feels that’s the greatest betrayal he’s faced in his entire career, when the men use drugs in the ship. I think that’s one of the reasons he’s done things a little differently in this ship.”

“Differently?”

“Well, Warren has always been Mr. Straight Arrow when it comes to matters of discipline in his ships. This is his third command, you know.

But in Hood, I’ve detected sort of a … well, ‘let’s all just get through this’ attitude, especially since the cruise began. I almost think the drug problem is proving to be just too hard to deal with. Some of his letters—oh, there’s the phone. My goodness, what time is it?”

“It’s almost eleven-thirty.”

Mrs. Huntington got up and headed for the kitchen.

“Eleven-thirty. If this is the Navy calling, it’s not good news, whatever it is.”

Maddy helped herself to a small measure of cognac while Mrs. Huntington went to take the call. She felt somewhat better for her talk with the older woman.

There had been no blinding light of revelation, but more of a confirmation that she was on the right track. Like the captain’s wife, she realized she had a good man. Mrs. Huntington had let the possible consequences be her guideline for how she conducted herself in a Navy marriage.

Maddy was going to have to work harder than that, but she was increasingly confident that she had come up with the right answer. Mrs. Huntington returned.