The Edge of Sanity (25 page)

‘You all right?’ Steve asked Daniel, as he stepped off the boat.

Daniel looked at him incredulously. ‘Wonderful,’ he said, shaking his head. He would have laughed, were it not for the pain, and the tilt of the boat forcing him to move too suddenly. He clutched at the hull and tried to take a deep breath, which hurt like hell and had him bent double.

Steve reached out to steady him. ‘Look, just do as he says and try not to aggravate him,’ he said quietly, when Daniel straightened up.

‘Right,’ Daniel said, as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him. He looked Steve over, who appeared to be eyeing the top of Charlie’s head nervously through one of the portholes.

Well, well, the troglodyte had a conscience, Daniel realised, surprised. ‘Thanks for the advice,’ he said, wondering how he might use what he’d learned. ‘I’ll try to bear it in mind while he’s breaking my ribs.’

‘He shouldn’t have done that. No need.’ Steve glanced at Daniel, his look a mixture of embarrassment and sympathy. ‘But like I said, you and the missus need to do as he says. He’s all over the place with the drugs. If he starts getting aggressive, I’ll do my best to try and calm things down. Best I can do.’

Steve shrugged awkwardly.

All over the place with or without the drugs, Daniel thought bitterly. The guy was a head-case, end of. He studied Steve for a second, and then nodded. It was small comfort, but comfort nevertheless, to know that his sidekick wasn’t too enamoured of Charlie.

****

Charlie had come up on deck when Daniel and Steve climbed back on board. Sprawled out on deck, more like, a pillow under his head, and sleeping like a baby. Rosemary’s baby, Daniel thought, repulsed by the sight of him, let alone open-mouthed and snoring like a stuck pig.

Still hiding behind his weapon though, spineless freak.

Daniel eased past, sorely tempted to try for the gun, but decided against. The psycho had both arms folded across it. He’d probably tighten his grip if he woke with a jolt.

‘I’ll have a smoke out here and give you and your missus some space,’ Steve said. ‘I can see straight down the boat, mind, so don’t get any ideas.’ He nodded Daniel down and perched himself on the handrail, lighting a cigarette with the nub of the one he’d just smoked, as he did.

Jo nodded past Daniel, towards the back doors, as he approached her. ‘Do you think his chain-smoking is a good sign, or a bad one?’

‘Not a clue.’ Daniel shrugged. ‘I’m not so sure he’s exactly in love with his
mate
though.’

Jo exchanged glances with Daniel. They were on the same page, she knew, both hoping that Steve might crack before they did, and be of some kind of help to them.

She studied her husband. The pain was etched into his face. And his eyes …? They were wretched with the same impotent anger Jo felt. How well she knew him. Yet seemed not to know him at all.

‘How is she?’ Daniel asked after Kayla, who was sleeping, too, albeit fitfully.

Jo paused in her efforts to prise the lid off the beans. Here she was, pretending normality, while all around them was sheer madness. It was a joke. A cruel, sick joke.

‘I don’t know, to be honest.’ She sighed, rubbing her temples with her forefingers. ‘She’s okay, I suppose, given what she’s been through, but she goes into herself every time I try to talk to her about it.’

‘Give her some time, Jo. She—’

‘Don’t, Dan,’ Jo snapped. ‘You said that before and look where she ended up.’ She eyed him accusingly, and felt sorry immediately. She’d just got through telling Kayla they were dumping the guilt, so what was she going to do with it now? Heap it all on Daniel?

He’d had enough.

Dear God, they all had. Jo raked a loose strand of hair from her face and glanced past Daniel to double check the animal was still out of earshot. With him on the back and the TV still on, they at least had a little privacy. ‘Time is not really such a great healer, is it, Dan?’ she offered gently.

Daniel sighed. ‘No,’ he said, running his hand wearily over his neck.

‘She’s frightened, Dan. And I don’t know how to help her.’

‘I know how she feels,’ Daniel said quietly, glancing towards the front of the boat where Kayla stirred in her sleep. ‘We let her down.’ He glanced back to Jo. ‘I let her down. I should have been there for her. Been stronger. We have to be there for her now, Jo. Both of us. Somehow.’

Jo looked at him. She’d heard what he had said and it made sense, apart from one thing. The “
I know how she feels
” bit. How could he know how Kayla felt? How could anyone know how she felt?

‘How Daniel?’ Jo asked, because she had to. ‘How can
you
know how it feels to be abused and humiliated at the hands of a sadistic bully?’

Daniel dropped his gaze, seeming to agonise before bringing it back to Jo’s. And in his eyes she saw something bordering on haunted. An uneasy feeling crept through her.

She glanced over his shoulder, making sure they were still alone and then looked back to Daniel. ‘Talk to me, Daniel,’ she implored.

Daniel’s eyes flickered away, then back. ‘My father …’ he started, and faltered.

‘The one you haven’t got?’ Jo hazarded.

‘Yes, him,’ Daniel said flatly, and looked away. ‘He said she’d been taken by the angels. My mother …’ He stopped again, checking behind him, deliberating, it seemed.

Jo waited, her heart wrenching for the child who’d lost the woman he’d loved. A little boy, whose fragile young life would depend on hers. This was unexplored territory for Jo. Daniel’s mother died when he was ten. An accident, he had said, always reluctant to offer more, so she hadn’t pressed him. She wished she had.

Daniel raked his hand through his hair. ‘It wasn’t the angels, Jo,’ he said, at length. ‘It was a bucketful of paracetamol.’

Jo flinched and reached for his arm, but Daniel turned to gaze out of the window.

‘He drank,’ he went on, swallowing hard. ‘A lot. Hit out. Hit her. Made her life a living hell in the end.’

Jo stepped towards him. ‘And you?’

Daniel didn’t speak for a moment, and then nodded, a small embarrassed nod.

And Jo couldn’t even begin to imagine. She shook her head, struggling to assimilate what he had said. Oh, dear God. Finally, painfully, the missing piece of the puzzle that was Daniel locked suddenly, sickeningly into place. She studied his strong profile, looked hard at the little boy in the man, looking into his long-buried past.

‘Dan?’ Jo reached for his arm, and found it this time. Gently, she encouraged him to turn around, to come back to the present.

To look at her.

Daniel did, eventually, but guardedly, Jo noticed, humiliation hot under the shadows that danced in his eyes. What had he done, his own
father,
that Daniel had drawn a veil so tightly over his childhood? ‘Talk to me, Daniel,’ she said softly.

Daniel pulled in a breath and glanced at the ceiling.

‘Daniel?’

‘I hit back, eventually. Just once. Hurt him; badly. Swore I’d never lose it again.’ Daniel stopped, obviously struggling. ‘Big boys don’t cry, Jo,’ he said simply.

‘Little boys do.’ Jo searched his face. A handsome face. A strong, honest face. She’d always known Daniel to be that, even when he’d locked his emotions safely away. ‘Why didn’t you tell me, Daniel? Why couldn’t you confide in me?’

‘Because I was ashamed.’ Daniel shrugged. ‘Because I was scared.’

‘Of?’ Jo urged him on.

Daniel closed his eyes and dragged a hand through his hair.

Jo reached out again, to brush his cheek with the back of her hand. ‘You don’t have to, Daniel, not now. Not if you—’

‘I want to.’ Daniel tugged in another breath, which stopped painfully short of his chest. He exhaled slowly. Jo was everything that mattered to him.

Everything. He couldn’t lose her. They would get through this. Somehow, he would make that happen. But he couldn’t live without Jo. It simply wasn’t an option.

Swallowing again, he forced himself on. ‘I was scared of the feelings talking about my past would dredge up,’ he admitted. ‘Scared I might lose you. That I already had.’

He looked hard at Jo, whose penetrating gaze back seemed to be peeling every painful strip of veneer away from his soul. ‘There was no way I could cope with that, Jo. I—’

‘You hadn’t lost me, Daniel.’ Jo’s look turned to confused. ‘We’d lost each other.’

Daniel nodded and looked down. ‘I wanted to talk to you, Jo. To be the man you needed me to be.’

‘You were,’ Jo said quickly. ‘You are.’

Daniel glanced back at her. ‘Was I?’ He scanned her eyes, knowing the answer was no. ‘I wanted to comfort you, Jo. You have no idea. To hold you. Tell you that I was hurting too, but …’ He hesitated. ‘ … if I’d cried for the child I’d been instrumental in taking the life of, could I really have expected sympathy from her mother, Jo? Did I deserve it?’

‘Oh, God, Daniel.’ Jo wrapped her arms about herself.

She was shivering. Daniel reached tentatively for her, desperate to pull her into his arms, keep her safe—away from that depraved
bastard
.

He gulped back his anger, relief flooding through him as Jo relaxed into him. ‘These feelings,’ she asked, after a moment, ‘can you tell me about them?’

Daniel hesitated. ‘Hopelessness,’ he said, after a pause. ‘Guilt. Most of all helplessness.’

‘Feelings around the attack on your father?’ Jo ventured.

Daniel didn’t answer.

‘Dan …’ Jo glanced up at him. ‘You don’t need to tell me about anything you don’t want to, really. I’d like to think that you could, but you don’t need to.’

‘Nothing much to tell.’

Daniel glanced behind him, and then braced himself to tell nevertheless. He’d come this far. And if Jo needed all of him in order to be with him …

‘He messed me up, basically,’ he said, his voice hoarse. ‘He drank most nights. And when he drank he, er … He’d …’ Daniel swallowed and closed his eyes, an involuntary shudder going through him ‘ … come into my room.’

Jo glanced sharply up.

‘I used to try to run away, so he, er …’ Daniel swallowed again, hard. ‘He nailed the windows shut.’

Jo balked. ‘The claustrophobia,’ she murmured, tightening her arms around him.

Daniel breathed in, and nodded. ‘It wasn’t being shut in I was scared of,’ he paused, wondering whether Jo could hear his heart beating as loudly as he could. ‘It was being shut in with him.’

‘Oh, Dan.’ Jo leaned her head back to his shoulder.

‘
Danny Boy,
’ Daniel said quietly, after a moment. ‘He used to call me that, when I was about four, five, maybe. That’s where the abuse started. It ended when I was fifteen. We fought. He fell. I …’ Daniel stopped, his throat constricting.

‘Danny Boy?’ Jo’s voice came out barely a whisper. ‘Dear God.’

Daniel held her tighter, feeling the closeness of her next to him, the wholeness of her. The
only
good thing that ever happened to him.

‘You know, in there somewhere, I was supposed to be grieving for my mother,’ he said quietly. ‘How? How do you grieve, Jo, when you’re stuffed so full of guilt and anger, there’s just no room for anything else?’

‘Guilt?’ Jo looked up to search his face. ‘For what? You father? Your mother? Daniel, you had nothing to—’

‘She topped herself, Jo.’

‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Jo whispered forcefully. ‘And you’d every right to feel angry.’

‘With her?’ Daniel asked, that same feeling of helplessness close to the surface. ‘I wasn’t angry with her for leaving me, Jo. Don’t you see? I was angry with her for leaving me with
him
. Selfish, or what?’

‘No, Daniel. Not selfish.’ Jo said passionately. ‘Just normal, human reaction. It’s allowed.’

‘Yes, right,’ Daniel smiled cynically. ‘Except it wasn’t. Tears and tantrums weren’t tolerated. I didn’t care much for the, er, punishment,’ he shrugged and glanced away, ‘so I kept quiet. Didn’t talk. You know? Didn’t think, eventually. Counted a hell of a lot though, from one hundred down. Kept right on counting until … he’d got out of his system whatever he needed to. It concentrated the mind. Kept the emotions in check. It was easier that way.’

‘Oh, God, Daniel, you should have told me.’ Jo looked hard at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

Daniel pressed his forehead against hers. ‘I do love you, Jo. You know that, don’t you?’

‘That’s because you’re mad.’ Jo smiled, but her smile faded fast as someone came down the steps behind her.

****

Oh, man, that was dynamite. Charlie was ecstatic. Pure dynamite.

Got him, he thought, supremely satisfied. Knew he would sooner or later. Everything comes to those who wait. And Connor had supplied him with a truckload of information. Skeletons in his closet, Danny Boy had. All Charlie had to do now was light his fuse, and then bring the man down.

Serve him right too. He should’ve shown a bit more respect, while he had the chance. Nobody tries to get one past Charlie Roberts. Bullshitting him Danny had been,
again
. Obviously thought he was stupid enough to fall for it. Bad move, that, Danny Boy.

Charlie yawned and scratched his head, feigning sleepiness as he came down the steps. ‘Danny.’ He nodded, smiled pleasantly at Jo, and then looked stonily back to Daniel. ‘Well?’ he said, and left it hanging.

Daniel glanced quickly at Jo, then, gesturing her back with a slight incline of his head, he looked quizzically back to Charlie. Daniel had no clue where this one was going. Wherever it was though, he didn’t want Jo in the middle of it.

‘Well, what?’ Daniel took a short breath, and waited.

Charlie looked him over with his usual loaded contempt, and then held up the mobile. ‘You have some explaining to do, Danny.’

Oh, Christ …
Daniel’s stomach knotted. He glanced from the mobile to Charlie. Now he knew exactly where this was going.

‘About the
bank
, Danny.’ Charlie smiled again, unnervingly. ‘The one you didn’t fucking well ring!

‘Bastard!’ Spitting with fury, Charlie swung around and slammed the mobile so hard against the wall, the boat tilted and keeled.

Shit!
Daniel stepped back, his gaze firm on Charlie, his aim to stop him getting within reach of Jo and Kayla, whatever it took.