The Edge of Sanity (37 page)

Daniel shrugged. ‘Deal with it,’ he answered, after a pause. ‘Talk about it.’

‘About how you felt?’

Daniel tugged another breath in, trying hard to keep his emotions in check, DI Short guessed.

‘How was that then, Daniel? How did you feel?’

‘Honestly?’ Daniel smiled wryly. ‘Like a bastard. Like I was dying inside. Like I deserved to.’

DI Short glanced at him. Oh, no you don’t, Daniel, he thought determinedly, as the man looked to the heavens for answers. You and your family have suffered enough.

‘And you couldn’t talk to Joanne about any of this?’

‘No. Not about Emma. Not about …’ Daniel stopped and looked down ‘ … other stuff. I tried. We even went to relationship counselling. I couldn’t. Didn’t know how to deal with the anger, I guess.’

Anger being an emotion Daniel Conner would definitely work hard to keep in check. DI Short made another shrewd guess based on his history. ‘So Joanne doesn’t know about your father?’

‘Yes. Yes, she does.’ Daniel nodded, seeming relieved and uncertain all at once. ‘Now, anyway.’

Thanks to that nasty little parasite digging mercilessly at the man’s wounds, forcing Daniel to confront ghosts on all fronts, DI Short surmised.

Add to that Roberts latest attempt to bring the man down … Small wonder Daniel Conner had gone under.

DI Short debated, and then decided he’d no choice but to venture further onto sensitive ground. Daniel Conner loved his wife, enough to give his life for her. He didn’t deserve this. Nor did Joanne. He needed to get Daniel out of here, and to do that, he needed to get him talking properly and, hopefully, rationally.

‘A man’s no less of a man for being taken advantage of as a child, you know, Daniel?’ he started, aware that this was a particularly emotive subject, but hoping to prod Daniel into a reaction. ‘Joanne married the person you are. You’re still that person. Things just went a bit off kilter for you, that’s all. You’ve managed to talk to her about it. I’m sure you’ll find she doesn’t love you any the less.’

Daniel didn’t look convinced.

‘You have to talk to her about Roberts.’ DI Short pressed on. ‘Trust her, Daniel. Or you might well end up losing her. You have to at least—’

‘I know!’ Daniel cut in. ‘I want to! I just …’ He shrugged hopelessly.

‘Don’t know how?’ DI Short finished.

‘Would you?’ Daniel looked at him, at last. ‘I mean, is there a way to tell her the psycho who blew her life apart, tortured her, for Christ’s sake, is bringing charges against me?’

‘Is that what you’re scared of?’

‘For Jo. She’s been through enough,’ Daniel answered forcefully. ‘For Kayla.
Jesus,’
he dragged a hand through his hair, ‘yes, for me, too.’

DI Short furrowed his brow. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being scared, Daniel. It’s a normal—’

‘I wanted to kill him.’

‘You very nearly succeeded.’

‘No, not then. Not when he …’ Daniel stopped and ran a hand over his neck. ‘Mike, I wanted to kill him. Find the bastard in the hospital and kill him. It wasn’t a gut reaction. It wouldn’t have been under provocation. It was cold calculation. I wanted to kill him. If I’d stayed, I would have.’

‘I see.’ DI Short folded his arms, contemplatively. ‘So in order to stop yourself taking this particular course of action, you decided to top yourself instead? And this was supposed to make Joanne feel better how, exactly?’

He glanced sideways at Daniel

Daniel clamped his eyes shut. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight.’ He swallowed, and then raked both hands through his hair.

‘I gathered.’ DI Short gave him a moment.

‘I was angry,’ Daniel admitted, at length.

‘Furious, I should think.’ DI Short fished in his pockets. ‘Killing Roberts might not be allowed, Daniel, but anger is. Fear is. Perfectly normal I’d say. Pineapple lump?’ He proffered a crumpled bag of boiled sweets.

Daniel smiled, almost. ‘Er, no,’ he declined, peering in the bag. ‘They look a bit past their sell by date.’

‘Bit like me, then.’ DI Short plucked one out, blew a few suspect bits off it, and then popped it in his mouth.

‘So, what’s your plan now, Daniel?’ he articulated around his pineapple lump. ‘Give in and give Roberts a clear signal he’s won? Or get on with your life?’

‘The latter,’ Daniel said resolutely. ‘Somehow.’

‘Good.’ DI Short nodded approvingly.

‘I think I might need help though,’ Daniel went on, his hands clasped in front of him again, but the weight of desolation gone from his shoulders, DI Short noted, ‘to, er …’

‘Get your thinking straight?’ he hazarded.

Daniel nodded. ‘And some.’

‘Ah,’ DI Short crunched his sweet and swallowed, ‘well, that’s where you’ll find I’m a handy copper to have around.’ He smiled and chivvied up his tone. ‘I know a man who can help you. A psychiatrist. Knows what he’s doing, too.’

Daniel looked doubtful.

‘Bit of a sceptic, hey? Can’t say I blame you. But this guy comes personally recommended, by yours truly.’

‘You?’ Daniel stared at him.

‘Had a little problem with the old bottle,’ DI Short admitted sheepishly. ‘Well, don’t look so surprised,’ he went on as Daniel looked at him as if he’d just admitted to being a serial killer. ‘I know I look perfect, but looks can deceive, Daniel.’

Daniel’s mouth twitched into an actual smile as DI Short adopted a
butter wouldn’t melt
expression. ‘Booze was my crutch,’ he went on, more seriously, ‘or weapon of choice with which to make the pain go away.’

Daniel eyed him questioningly.

‘Post traumatic syndrome. Grisly case, long time ago.’ DI Short glossed it over. ‘The point is, though, this guy got me through it. Without him, I’d have been without a job, or a future, and I was the world’s biggest sceptic, trust me. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, Daniel. That’s my motto now.’

‘Personally recommended, hey?’ Daniel thought about it. ‘Okay, so tell me more.’

‘Good man.’ DI Short nodded. ‘He’s based at a low security open mental health facility. Now, before you balk and dismiss the idea out of hand, the facility also offers extensive life counselling. And you can go on a day care basis.’

Daniel considered. ‘Sounds like a plan. Suppose I’ve nothing to lose really, have I?’

‘I’d say you’ve an awful lot worth fighting for, Daniel.’

‘Okay, I’ll do it.’ Daniel sounded more positive. ‘But …’ he paused, making sure he’d got DI Short’s full attention ‘ … on one condition.’

‘Which is?’

‘You don’t tell Joanne about this. My, er …’

‘ … dark thoughts?’

Daniel looked thoroughly ashamed. ‘It would destroy her.’

‘Are you sure about that, Daniel?’ DI Short eased himself to his feet and reached a hand out to help Daniel up. ‘Strikes me Joanne Conner is an extremely strong woman.’

DI Short nodded over Daniel’s shoulder.

Daniel turned to follow his gaze, and his heart plummeted to the depths of his soul.
Christ, no.
He glanced back to DI Short, who shrugged in a
nothing-to-do-with-me
sort of way.

‘It’s good to talk, too, Daniel,’ DI Short said softly, nodding him on and making a discreet exit towards his car.

She’d heard was all Daniel could think. Everything he had said. Jo had heard it all. A new kind of panic clutched at his chest.

He searched her face. Saw the bewilderment there, sheer disbelief and open disillusionment. ‘Daniel?’ Jo said tremulously.

Daniel closed his eyes, not sure he could bear to see the pain in Jo’s. What the hell had he been thinking?

‘It’s where I come, too,’ Jo said, after a second, ‘to think things through. I sit for hours sometimes … on my own.’

‘Jo, I …’ Daniel swallowed back a sick taste in his throat.

‘It’s the one place I don’t mind being on my own, strangely enough.’

‘Jesus,’ Daniel glanced up. ‘Jo, I am so—’

‘I always came home though. Even though, God help me, sometimes I didn’t want to, I always did, Daniel.’

Daniel heard the sob in her throat and snapped his head up to look at Jo full on. Her pretty green eyes were red-rimmed and wide with palpable fear. Her cheeks streaked with hot tears. He’d done that.
Him!
He’d wanted to keep her safe. Swore he’d never let anything hurt her again. And he’d done this. ‘Joanne, I …’ Daniel took a step towards her, his heart twisting inside him.

‘Why, Daniel?’ Jo moved away, her bewilderment giving way to obvious anger. ‘
Why
?’ she repeated, her brow furrowed in confusion. ‘Why did you leave the hospital? Why did you go? Daniel, tell me! For God’s sake, why?’

Daniel searched for a way to answer. Panic gripping him like a vice now, he searched for the right words. Anything that might explain—the most selfish thing he’d ever done in his life.

‘Daniel, talk to me. Dear God!’ Jo stared at him as if she didn’t know him, and then—in the absence of answers—she shook her head and turned away.

‘Jo, please …’ Daniel’s heart stopped in his chest. Joanne kept walking. ‘I fell, Jo!’ he shouted, his frustration and fury spilling over. ‘I was climbing the fucking walls and I fell! I didn’t mean to.’

Joanne stopped.

Daniel swallowed back a lump in his throat. ‘Roberts, he … He’s pressing charges. I couldn’t take anymore, Jo. I fell, and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I—’

‘I love you, Daniel!’ Jo turned back, a look of desperation now in her eyes. ‘I need you. I want you, Daniel,
all
of you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!’

Daniel sucked in a breath—and breathed out slowly. Little by little, his heart started beating again, urging his stubborn legs to move forwards. ‘Everything, Jo. It means everything to me. I’m so sorry.’

‘Come back to me, Dan,’ Jo said softly.

‘I’m here, Jo,’ Daniel assured her hoarsely. ‘I love you. With every fibre of my being, I love you, Jo. I swear to God, I will never do anything to hurt you ever again.’ He brushed a tear from her cheek, folded her gently to him, then —for the first time ever—Daniel cried openly.

Epilogue

It was still hot outside. Daniel towelled himself off, and then selected a white shirt with a blue tie. He’d debated whether to wear a suit. Too much, he’d thought. It was hardly a business meeting. But then, that was who he was, a business man with a business to run.

‘Ready?’ Jo asked, as he came into the kitchen.

Daniel tugged at his shirt collar. ‘As I’ll ever be. You?’

Jo nodded and came over to straighten his tie. ‘You look great,’ she assured him.

‘You look pretty good yourself, Mrs Conner.’ Daniel smiled, despite his nerves, and looked his wife over. With a tan and dressed in a simple yellow shift dress, she looked elegant and confident all at once. His sunny, self-assured Jo. The woman he thought he’d lost, then by some miracle, managed to find again. There would always be a part of them missing, but his life was complete, his heart full with gratitude and love for this woman, who loved him back unquestionably.

‘Do you have Cathy’s number?’ he asked.

‘In my mobile.’ Jo checked her bag. ‘They’re hitting the shops, so Kayla tells me, retail therapy, followed by lunch. After that, they’ll be at Cathy’s house until they’re ready to call her.’

‘Good.’ Daniel breathed deep. ‘That’s good.’

He didn’t want Kayla waiting around if she didn’t need to. Not there. Or here. Not on her own. Not today.

Jo checked her watch. ‘Cathy should be here …’ She stopped as a car horn tooted outside, followed closely by the sound of Kayla thundering delicately downstairs.

‘Catchya lata,’ she said, flying into the kitchen to pluck up her key.

‘We’ll do dinner tonight,’ Jo promised, giving her a quick hug before she dashed off. ‘Your choice.’

‘Um,’ Kayla pondered, ‘Italian. Pasta, with loads of garlic dough balls,’ she said, heading swiftly for the door, then back again to throw her arms around Daniel’s neck, almost pulling him over, as she planted a kiss on his cheek.

Daniel laughed, bemused. ‘What was that for?’

‘Cos Hannah thinks you’re all right.’ Kayla waggled her eyebrows. ‘Me too. Good luck.’ She gave him another hug, and then skidded off again.

And Daniel swallowed a lump in his throat.

That was his daughter. Unmistakably Kayla. The Kayla of old, a teenager with attitude. Almost grown up and dressed her age in vertiginous shoes, denim shorts and tee shirt. No layers of make-up to hide behind though. Just the minimum required to enhance the natural beauty of a confident young woman.

How could he ever have contemplated not being here for her?

‘I think she’s back on form.’ Jo smiled, went to check the back door, and then collected the car keys from the table. ‘Come on,’ she said, hooking her arm through Daniel’s, ‘let’s go and show Charlie Roberts we’re not beaten.’

Daniel glanced at the boats bobbing lazily on the water, breathed deep the smell of diesel and oil thick in the air, and thanked God he was alive. He double checked the front door, wrapped his arm around Jo, and together they walked across the boatyard.

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