The Falling Kind (8 page)

              “What’s that look for?” I questioned. The fire in front of us let off the perfect amount of heat for the slight chill in the air, but my skin still prickled as he reached out and softly grazed my arm with his fingertips.

              “I’m just thinking,” he said dismissively, shaking his head. 

              “I wish I could hear your thoughts,” I replied honestly. He had more emotion in his eyes than he ever had in his words, and I always felt like there was more he wanted to say.

              “I just wish I knew what he did to you,” he said quietly, shaking his head again like he was frustrated.

              “Who?”

              “Whatever guy… The one who you think broke you.” His gaze felt so protectively intense on me, but he looked angry at the same time. “Never mind, I know, it’s not my business. But that look in your eyes when you’re doubting yourself - when you want to pretend like you’re not scared of something, or when you admit to me that you are – it’s the same look. And I just wonder what happened. I can’t help but want to hurt whoever did that to you.”

              My throat started to feel tight and I’m pretty sure my eyes began to moisten. I sat back up, facing him on the couch. “It’s not a good story,” I said reluctantly. Honestly I’d never told anyone before firsthand. My friends already knew about the entire thing when it happened, so I never had to actually rehash it to someone. It made me feel numb. I wasn’t sure I could talk about it. “It’s not what you think.”

              “I don’t know what I think, honestly,” he said, still keeping his eyes on mine. “I’m not making any judgments about it. I just want to know what happened.”

              “It’s not the story all the other girls tell you,” I said, feeling my throat further constrict. “I wasn’t left or heartbroken or cheated on or something. Every girl I know from school, that’s their thing, right? They trusted someone, he bailed, then every guy after that is an asshole. I know that’s every girl’s story.”

              “I’ve heard it, yeah,” he said sympathetically.

              “Well unfortunately for me,
I’m
the asshole in my own story,” I admitted as a slow tear fell down my face. He gently wiped it away with his thumb.

              “Despite this physique, I’m not a hero in all my stories either,” he said with a sweet smile, making me laugh. Another tear fell at the same time.

              “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked nervously.

              “Yes,” he said confidently. “I’ve been the asshole too, I’m not proud of that. But whatever you’re holding on to… Look, I’m no expert. But I imagine it’s not so big that you have to carry around the burden from it forever.”

              “But it is,” I said as another tear fell. They were getting harder to stop at this point, and I knew the flood was coming. “Ian, that was my ex,” I tried explaining with a shaky voice. “He’s… well I…. He….” No matter how hard I tried to say it, the sentences wouldn’t form.

              Cole just stared back at me with empathetic eyes that were coaxing me to continue.

              “We didn’t want the same things,” I began, trying to start further back. “I mean maybe I did at first, or maybe I
wanted
to want the same things…” I felt my brain shutting down again. “He was accepted into med school for neuroscience in Washington and had everything planned out for us, down to the high rise we would live in. I already lived that life in Chicago, and maybe I wasn’t completely sure of what I wanted, but I knew it looked different than everything Ian was planning. I just, I hesitated… For a second, I hesitated. I panicked, and I thought maybe I could stop time and sort it all out. I merely said the words ‘I’m not sure’ and that was it. I was uncertain for one brief second, and that was it.”

More tears fell down my face, and although I was certain Cole wasn’t really following what I was rambling about, he reached out and pulled me into him. He softly stroked my hair.

“He got mad at me, rightfully so, I mean
I
was the one who hesitated. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of the life he planned out with such complete precision. It just made me panic. I went out that night to some dumb party and I don’t know, I just wanted to feel
nothing.
Because I felt really bad about the whole thing and I hated it, so I thought feeling nothing would somehow feel better. He called me that night and asked me if I really thought we shouldn’t be together. Instead of talking about it, or coming up with a plan, or having some rational time to actually think about it, I just hung up the phone like we were disconnected. Because that’s how I felt, completely
disconnected
from him. I drank some more, and then he called me around two in the morning. He wanted to have a serious conversation about it. I guess with the alcohol surging through me, I finally felt brave enough to talk about it. But I couldn’t drive, I knew that. So I told him to come and get me.”

The tears poured out of my eyes now, and I knew there was no way to hold them back. Cole continued to hold me, not saying anything, but instead just letting me speak as I felt ready.

“On his way to come pick me up, he was in a bad accident,” I said quietly. My voice cut out and I wondered how I would get the words out. “He was hit on the driver’s side by a semi. We never got to finish our conversation. I never had the opportunity to make up for the cruelty I left him with. He died instantly. That’s how he left the world – with my hesitation and uncertainty. He didn’t deserve that.”

My tears were unrelenting sobs by this point. My throat hurt so bad and my eyes burned, and I felt outside of my own body. I had cried so many tears after the incident happened, I thought it would be impossible to have any more left. But here I was, feeling as broken as I did in the early morning hours when I got the call. I felt like an empty shell of a person. I sat there that night for an hour, waiting on the steps of some unfamiliar house, waiting to be picked up by someone who did nothing wrong other than promising to love me forever. But he never came to get me. I felt my own sense of abandonment in that moment, just sitting there, waiting. Then the cold news came from a phone call I received from a stranger. Nothing prepares you for a moment like that – the second before you realize your entire world is about to change. It felt then like I was falling from the top of a building – and somehow it still felt like I was falling now. I wasn’t sure if hitting the ground at any point would be my penance or my rebirth, free from the guilt I held onto. I hated that no matter how much time had passed, the whole thing hit me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. It numbed my whole body.

I closed my eyes, as it felt like my only solution to hold on to the slightest possibility that the entire thing, my hesitation, Ian’s reaction to fix it, all of it – perhaps there was still a chance it could all be a dream.

The saddest part – I wasn’t sure at what part of that story I wanted to wake up to.

CHAPTER 7

              My phone rang, startling me out of a deep sleep. I felt disoriented and confused. My bedroom clock read seven, but I wasn’t sure if that meant morning or night.
Why was I wearing my clothes and not pajamas?
I didn’t even remember getting in bed.

              I answered my phone with a scratchy voice.

              “Hello?”

              “I just wanted to make sure you were up in time for work,” Cole’s smooth voice said on the other end. “You were pretty out of it last night.”

              I thought back to the events of our rooftop soiree. Did I fall asleep on him last night?

              “How did I get in my bed?” I asked, still confused by exactly what happened.

              “I carried you there. It was starting to get cool out. I wasn’t going to let you sleep outside by yourself,” he said sweetly.

              “Why didn’t you stay?”

              “Because you didn’t ask me to,” he replied softly.

              “Why am I still in my clothes?” I added, looking down at my jeans and wrinkled white blouse.

              “Because I prefer my women conscious before I undress them,” he teased. “You didn’t even stir when I carried you downstairs.”

              “Well thank you,” I said, grateful he couldn’t see me blushing. “You’re still calling me after our conversation last night?”

              “Of course, why wouldn’t I? Do you really think that changed anything for me?”

              “I don’t know,” I replied honestly. Surely there was some kind of guy code where if a girl sobbed on the first date, he was supposed to run for the hills. But yet here he was, seeming completely un-phased by knowing the worst thing I’d ever done.

              “Nothing’s changed, Syd,” he answered quickly. “Seven fifteen tonight?”

              “Yeah,” I responded. I had to admit, now that I was thinking about spending more time with him tonight, I was a little bummed that our meet-up would be so short, but I was looking forward to it nonetheless. “Thanks for the wake-up call. Next time you can stay, you know. I don’t want you driving home in the middle of the night.”
Yeah, as if a guy like Cole was remotely unsafe out in the dark on his own.

             
“For a girl off the market, you’re not making this easy on me.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

              “Sorry, you’re right. I’m giving you mixed messages,” I admitted, not sure what exactly was happening between us. I was obviously a mess. “I just like your company, that’s all.”
And the way your lips feel. And the way your body felt pressed up against mine on the couch.
I shook away those thoughts.

              “Well at this rate, you’ll get plenty of me,” he said with a cheerful voice. “You’re still up for going to the bonfire with me tomorrow night?”

              “Of course,” I replied, thankful he couldn’t see how big my grin was at the moment.

              “Perfect. Then I’ll see you tonight at seven fifteen.”

              We hung up and I was beaming. I genuinely enjoyed being around him, I knew that much. Last night under the stars felt like perfection – dessert, real conversation, my body leaned up against him… I wished I hadn’t fallen apart on him, that was the ultimate disappointment, but yet that entire admission needed to happen. Not to mention my brain at the moment didn’t want to even think about what would’ve happened if I kept my mouth shut and actually stayed awake. I definitely wasn’t ready for that yet.

              I forced myself out of bed and into the shower, taking the extra time to dry my hair since today was my late start. I introduced Dexter to the tortoise, and he was surprisingly gentle with him. I rummaged through my closet, trying to decide what to wear tonight. I would only have a few minutes to change after work before he arrived, so I wanted to plan for it now.

              We were probably only going to see each other for a brief amount of time. He had somewhere to be, so I imagined if we were even lucky enough to see the turtles hatch, our time together wouldn’t stretch too far beyond that.

              Today’s forecast was a little warmer than it had been the past few days, so I opted for a casual skirt that hit just above my knees and a tank top with a fitted sweater over it. It still looked somewhat casual, but definitely turned it up a notch from the jeans yesterday.
Was that even what I was trying to do? Turn it ‘up’ a notch? What exactly did that even mean?
Honestly I hadn’t even really sorted out my intentions with Cole. I liked being around him though, which was good enough for now.

              Before heading to the clinic, I made sure to text Sam so she wouldn’t be waiting all day to hear from me. ‘
Wish I had more for you, but after crying in front of him, I fell asleep during the middle of my date last night.
’
I added the scream face emoji after that.  I figured she was probably already in class by now, so I likely wouldn’t even get a response from her until around lunchtime, or possibly later.

              I made it into the clinic a few minutes before my shift and everyone already working turned to stare at me. I was thankful the only customer at the moment was leaving.

              “Story time,” Eva said, clasping her excited hands together. “Tell us everything.”

              “There’s not a lot to tell,” I replied, trying to keep it somewhat vague. “We had tacos and then went back to my place, where I proceeded to fall asleep in the middle of our conversation. He let himself out. Those are the highlights.” I left out the crying part for obvious reasons.

              “Oh Syd,” Dr. Nikki chimed in, “I’m running you ragged here. You’ve been picking up extra shifts and you were too exhausted to even enjoy it.” I could hear the sympathy in her voice.

              “No, I’m fine,” I stated, brushing off her worry. “It was just a long day. I appreciate the extra shifts, you know I’m trying to save up for the fall.”
Although the truth was, I didn’t have plans to head back for more schooling, so honestly I didn’t even know why I was working so hard to save up for anything. I still had no plan.

              “Are you going to see him again? Give me more!” Eva said dramatically. “My love life is dead, I have to live through you.”

              “Well that’s going to be a disappointment,” I replied with a giggle. “But Sam, wait until you see her tomorrow. She finally met someone. She’s going out with him on Saturday.” I left the details out that I would be seeing more of Cole, but it seemed helpful to point the attention towards Sam. At least it would get them off my back.

              “At least one of you girls is living the life,” Eva said before answering an incoming call.

              I made my way to the back and put away my stuff. I knew we had a pretty full workload today.

              Sure enough we had seven surgeries and a few other minor procedures. Sam stopped in briefly around lunchtime on her break from class. I quickly explained the night before, keeping it unimpressive. I didn’t want her getting her hopes up that there was anything more going on. After all, maybe he was just being polite by calling this morning. My actions had to at least make him a little wary.

              The rest of the afternoon passed quickly which I was thankful for. Around five, my phone finally chimed with a text from Cole’s number.
‘Assuming you don’t have time for dinner before we meet up, I’ve got it covered.’
I replied back with a simple message.
‘Sounds good.’

             
“We’re not going to need any more help tonight,” Dr. Nikki said around six p.m. as I cleaned up from our last scheduled procedure. “You can head back home. Catch up on your sleep, or some other plans?” she said, hinting she knew I had somewhere to be tonight. “I’ll keep you on the clock til seven anyway, but if you stick around you’ll just be bored. So get out of here, do something restful or fun.” She smiled at me warmly.

              “Thank you,” I replied sincerely. She was always good to me like that.

              I grabbed my stuff and made the short walk back home. I was so relieved to have the extra time. I rinsed my body, hoping to get rid of the animal smell I was around all day. That was definitely one of the downsides to working in a vet clinic. I threw a few curls in my hair and I reapplied my makeup, feeling refreshed. Right at seven-fifteen, there was a knock at my door. A huge smile spread across my face, but then I forced myself to hold it back a little as I opened the door so I wouldn’t seem too eager. Unfortunately as soon as I saw him, I couldn’t keep it in.

              “And I thought you looked beautiful when you were passed out drooling last night,” he teased with a low whistle. “Geez.”

              “Nice to see you too,” I stated, locking the door behind me. I was thankful to see he had his truck again.

              He helped me climb into the cab and we headed towards the beach across from Antonio’s.

              “Are you hungry?” he asked politely.

              “Starving,” I replied. “It was a long day at the clinic. Are we having tacos again?” I smiled at him from the passenger seat.

              “Something less fancy,” he said with a wink.

              “Did you work today?” I was curious as to what his day-to-day really looked like since he didn’t seem to have a conventional job or schedule.

              “A little.” He didn’t offer any more than that.

              “So secretive,” I said coyly. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t more forthcoming with this stuff by now, especially after learning something so personal about me. We had plans together four nights in a row, so clearly it made sense that I’d be interested to know more about him.

              “Why do you want to know so much?” he asked me with a raised brow. “Maybe the not knowing is part of my charm.” He flashed me a handsome, genuine smile and it melted me. “Besides, I told you all of my secrets only come out after midnight, remember?”

              “Then it’s unfortunate I’m not more of a night owl,” I replied flirtatiously as he pulled into the parking lot of Antonio’s where we’d parked the night before. We climbed out of the truck and he grabbed a giant bag, swinging it over his shoulder. He gently slid his other hand in mine as if that’s where it belonged; as if he’d done it hundreds of times before. I wondered if he did it out of some kind of habit – maybe he was doing this kind of thing far more often than I imagined. Or maybe he did it as more of a chivalrous, protective gesture since we were crossing a somewhat busy street. Either way, I was more than happy to be attached to him.

              We made our way to the spot on the beach over by the rocks. He set the bag down and checked on the turtle eggs.

              “I think we’re in luck tonight,” he said excitedly. I peered over to where he was pointing and there was some slight movement in the sand as the eggs subtly shifted. “We probably have a little bit of time though. They usually wait until the sun is down so it’s harder for predators to find them.”

              “So you studied biology or zoology or something in school?” I pried, staring at his handsome face. It seemed somewhat strange to me that a guy like this would know so much about turtles.

              “No, like I said, Harvey taught me pretty much everything I know,” he answered with a hint of nostalgia in his voice. “Let’s eat.”

              He pulled a sheet out of his bag and spread it across the sand. We sat down on it together, closely in the middle, and he pulled some food out as well.

              “You made sandwiches?” I asked with an amused tone. They appeared to be homemade, which seemed sweet and unexpected.             

              “We could be here longer than I think,” he replied with a shrug. “You never really know how long something like this could take. I have fruit, chips, brownies… I didn’t make those though,” he continued, rummaging through the bag. He handed me a Sprite, no doubt picking up on that as my drink of choice the night before.

              “So do you cook?” I asked curiously.

              “Yes, sandwiches,” he answered with a laugh. “And Mexican food. It’s not as good as Antonio’s, but I’m trying. My enchiladas are amazing. But other than that, if the food doesn’t go on bread or in a tortilla, I’m useless.”

              “Hence your desire for avocado trees,” I stated, bringing up our conversation from the night before. That’s when our banter was good – before the crying and the part where I passed out. “I’m sorry for falling asleep on you last night,” I added bashfully. “That was pretty embarrassing. Of course I’m not sure if that part was better or worse than the sobbing. Probably the best first date you’ve ever had, huh?”

              “So you’re finally admitting that was actually a date?” he said with piqued interest.

              “Any night that ends with me crying and then sleeping alone, yeah… That’s pretty much my dating life to a tee,” I answered sarcastically. “I’m surprised you even showed up to get me tonight.”

              The sun finally sank all the way behind the mountain tops and the water looked calm under the moon’s glow. It seemed crazy to me that just a few nights ago we’d met after the incident out front of the clinic, and now here we were having a picnic on the beach after a simple sunset. Something this random was surely fleeting. It made no sense. There was obviously a reason he had so many secrets. I wondered if I would learn even one of them.