The False Martyr (117 page)

And that is it
exactly
, Teth thought, feeling the full
devastation of that simple truth. She took a long shaking breath,
pressing her head against his so that it hurt. “I’m sorry,” she
said, having to fight her emotions for every word. Her entire body
trembled, fighting with its every fiber for what her mind told her
she could never have. And that is why it had to end. She couldn’t
do it any longer, couldn’t fight it any more. “Soon. Soon, this
will be over. For tonight, can you just hold me?”

Dasen sighed, long and
slow. He moved his hand from between her legs to her face, sliding
it along her cheek. “Okay. For tonight, that will be enough. I will
hold you as long as I can.”

Teth stifled another sob
as she kissed him, but this one lacked the passion of before. “I
love you, Dasen. I’m sorry. Everything I do is because I love you.
I hope someday you’ll see that.”

She thought about what was
to come, what awaited her tomorrow, about the boy in her arms, and
everything she was giving up, and almost lost her resolve. But that
was it. As wonderful as all this was, it was still a lie, an
illusion that she could never have. Better to die than to put up
with that torture, and not only her, but him. Better to let him go,
to set him free. There was tonight, and then a hope that he would
someday understand, that he would find happiness somewhere
else.

#

Dasen woke with Teth still
in his arms, her smell in his nose, legs wrapped with his, body
pressed against him. He moved almost subconsciously, rubbing
himself against her, running his hand along her stomach to her
breast, lifting his leg up between hers. He kissed her shoulder,
barely able to contain himself.

She turned, rolled toward
him, disentangling herself and kissed him, gently. Her breath was
sour, but he doubted his was any better. “Thank you,” she said
lowering her face from his so that his attempt to deepen the kiss
met her forehead. “Thank you for understanding. I know it was hard,
but . . . but it is what I needed.”

Dasen could barely find
words. “Uh . . . sure. I was . . . I was just happy to be close to
you again. The last couple of months have been hard.” Despite his
words, he longed for more. His hand moved down her back, to the leg
that was looped up over him. She was so close. Already they were
almost there. The slightest movement, a tiny shifting of clothes,
the slightest roll of their bodies and it would happen. His hand
came back up, bringing her nightshirt with it. He rubbed himself
against her and tried to find her lips.

“
Dasen,” Teth moaned. She
wanted him just as much, he knew she did. “Please, not now. Not
yet.” She eased herself away from him, arrested the movement of his
hand, and stood from the bed. She watched him, breaths deep, hands
trembling. It was clear that they wanted the same thing, so why
deny it?

Dasen rolled onto his
back. “Arghh,” he sighed involuntarily. He was so hard it hurt, but
Teth was already pulling on her pants. He would receive no relief
from her. “So what am I supposed to do about this?” he asked,
trying to be playful.

Teth looked at him in
seeming surprise. Already, she seemed distracted, thoughts far
away, eyes sad. “Doesn’t it just go back to normal on its own?” she
asked, surprisingly without sarcasm.

Dasen sighed again. She
was not getting the hint. “Eventually, yes, but it is . . .
uncomfortable.”

“
Oh,” Teth said, eyes
shifting. “I don’t know. Do you want me to leave so you can . . .
?”

Dasen just shook his head.
He could not believe he was having this conversation. “No. I want
you. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. I mean, what if it
gets stuck like this?”

Teth looked shocked. “Can
that happen?”

Dasen laughed. “No, but
sometimes it feels that way.”

Suddenly, Teth looked sad.
She walked to him and sat beside him on the bed. She bent and
kissed him, which did nothing to help his discomfort. “I am sorry I
haven’t been a better wife. I hope you will remember . . . remember
the good things . . . before all this.”

“
What are you talking
about Teth? I told you, I don’t want a better wife. I want
you.”

Teth laughed. “So there is
a better wife out there, but I’ll do?”

Dasen’s face fell. “No . .
. I mean . . . there is no . . . that is not . . . .”

“
Shut up,” Teth said and
kissed him. “Just remember that I love you. It may be hard, but
know that I have done all this for you. This is how it had to
be.”

Dasen didn’t understand a
word of what she was saying. He was barely listening for the
thoughts of pulling her onto the bed and everything that might
follow. He moved to kiss her again, oblivious to the distant look
in her eye. His hand moved back to her legs. Even covered with the
lambs’ wool pants, they felt wonderful, firm and soft and
warm.

A knock at the door made
him jump and sent Teth springing from the bed. “Time to rise, my
dears,” Mrs. Tappers called a second later. “I have your breakfast
here and will be back in ten minutes to do Deena’s
face.”

“
Thank you, Mrs. Tappers,”
Teth called after her. “We are up and will be ready.” She gathered
herself then pulled off her nightshirt. She was naked from the
waist up. Dasen stared, thinking, for a moment, that she might
actually give him what he longed for. He waited, barely breathing,
for her to unbutton her pants. She did not. “It’s nothing you
haven’t seen before,” she said, teasing.

“
Yeah, but you were
screaming at me then and it was dark, I couldn’t . . .
.”

“
Well, now you have seen
in the light, without the yelling.” She turned and walked toward
the chair where she had laid the cotton wrap she used on her chest.
Dasen came from the bed and caught her, cupping a hand around one
of her breasts before she could wrap the cloth around it. It fit
almost perfectly into his palm, soft but firm. He moved his face
down and kissed her neck.

“
I need to visit the
toilet,” she said quietly, voice husky
.
She stepped away from him and
began wrapping the cloth around her chest. A white dress-shirt
followed. The leather vest she wore to train with Garth completed
her transformation into a boy. The small, white breasts, the long
firm legs, the round rear pressing against him were a
memory.

Dasen’s desire was
not.
How can she keep doing this to
me?

She took a deep breath,
looked back at him with what could only be sadness and opened the
door. She delivered the tray holding their breakfast to the table,
then departed again without a word.

This is hard for
her
, Dasen told himself.
She is almost there. Soon. Maybe after the
madness today. Isn’t that what she said, after today?
Dasen took a deep breath and walked to the
wardrobe in the corner to find the dress he would wear. Just make
it through today. Tonight, you will be on the boat leaving here.
You will be safe and free. There will be nothing more to worry
about, and she will open up to you. Tonight, it would happen. He
was sure of it.

Chapter 68

The 54 –
55
^rd
Day of Summer

“
They’re getting closer,”
Noé stated what had been true for a week now. The lead they had
secured on the plains was being steadily eroded day after day as
they picked their way over the rough ground at the base of the
mountains. The Morgs had pushed them ever farther east, hemming
them against the mountain crags that defined the only other
available direction. That morning, they had run out of food and had
neither the time nor ability to forage for more. With nothing but
rocks and scraggly pines for days, the horses were getting just
about as desperate as their riders. Ill-equipped for the rocky
terrain, they had let the charger go when they reached the
mountains, but feeling his stomach cramp, Cary almost wished that
they had eaten it. The thought was blasphemy, but the rumbling of
his stomach was getting stronger than his esteem for the animals
that carried him.

The only consolation was
that Noé had healed enough to ride on her own and proved
surprisingly capable on the mountain pony he’d given her. Her cuts
and bruises were slowly fading. Her face was still a patchwork of
purple blurring to yellow, her nose would never be straight again,
scars would mar her smooth skin to her death, the missing tooth
would never return, but the swelling was gone. The cuts had closed.
The stiches had been removed. The pain had faded. And she was
almost more beautiful for the scars, more real.

Cary sometimes wondered if
he was falling in love with her. He looked back now and she smiled.
Even starving, aching, desperately tired, that smile warmed him,
but he hadn’t even kissed her since he’d found her. They slept
together every night, wrapped together against the cold, under the
single fur cloak, fearing a fire would give them away. Cary had not
been so close to someone since Allysa, and maybe that was why
things never went further or maybe it was just that they were too
exhausted by the time they stopped each night. Or maybe it was
Juhn’s stupid refrain that ran through his mind every time he
looked at her:
be the man your sister
needed.

“
We need to get through
the mountains,” Cary finally answered.

Noé was right, of course.
The Morgs were getting close. They’d seen their fire in the valley
below them last night. They were only a few miles off. It was only
a matter of time before they were close enough to take them. To
this point, the only thing that had saved them was that the Morgs
stopped every day when the sun was still a hand’s breadth above the
horizon. Noé said that was tradition. Morg men did not travel at
night and the extra hand was for making the camp and foraging food.
It gave Cary and Noé an extra hour each night to rebuild their
lead, but it was not enough. The horses rarely went faster than a
walk now, and even that was halting. It was only a matter of time
before one of them broke a leg – was a miracle it hadn’t happened
already – and then they’d be as good as caught.

“
We should just go then,”
Noé said. Cary turned again to look at her. She watched the
mountains above them, rising in granite spikes across the entire
horizon. “We’ve been skirting them for days. I don’t know what
you’re looking for.”

Neither did Cary. He
looked at the great field of jagged rocks to their side. They
formed a wedge defined by sheer rock faces on either side that
angled up to a pair of boulders. The boulders were far away, but
Cary could see that the rocks below them were wet. Water was
running between them. That meant there might be a gap between and a
valley beyond, but it was a steep, rocky ascent. The horses would
have to walk. The mare might not make it even then. It would take
hours, and they’d be completely exposed.

“
The men behind us will be
stopping soon,” Noé continued when Cary did not answer. “They are
still below us but are close enough now that they will probably run
hard tomorrow and take us. We don’t have any other
choice.”

Cary felt the air go out
of him. Noé was right. They were out of options. They couldn’t
fight. They couldn’t outrun them. They were tired and hungry and
spent. For all the effort, their time was up. By this time
tomorrow, he’d be nailed to a tree for the birds as he watched
those men do whatever they pleased with her.

“
The moon is nearly full,”
Noé continued. She brought her horse up to his, put her hand on his
arm to get his attention. “The sky is clear. Those rocks will be as
bright as daylight. We’ll cross them in the night and disappear
into the mountains.”

“
My horse won’t make it,”
Cary said, almost unwilling to accept that hope remained. He was so
tired, he almost wanted it to end.

“
Then leave her. Send her
on. Maybe the men will follow her instead of us.”

“
And if your horse can’t
make it either?”

“
We’ll walk. It is our
only hope. Have you given up on that?” She caught his cheek with
her hand and brought his eyes to hers. “For the first time in my
life, I am happy. As absurd as that sounds, it is true. I did not
think that anyone could ever be kind to me, could ever . . . love
me?” She said the last as a question. Cary knew that he should
answer it but couldn’t seem find the words. Noé’s eyes lost a bit
of their glimmer as the silence grew, but she swallowed and went
on. “It doesn’t matter. I am happy, and I won’t give it up. Not
yet. And . . . and I don’t think that is the Order’s plan. It
cannot have kept us alive through all this so that we can be killed
here. The order master used to say, ‘the Order guides, freewill
decides.’ I feel the Order guiding us. I think It wants us to
escape, but we have to trust It. We have to trust this.” She put
her hand finally on Cary’s heart. He felt like it would leap from
his chest.

She looked like she wanted
him to kiss her then, just staring at him with those big pale-blue
eyes framed in hints of purple and yellow like the cosmetics that
noblewomen wore, chapped, split lips parting ever so slightly, bent
nose heaving.
Just kiss
her
, Cary screamed at himself.