The Family Moskat (65 page)

July 9
.--The women here go around half-naked. It's strange that the Jewish women should be so much more "liberated" than the Polish ones. They're already asking me why I don't wear shorts.

All the gentiles wear dresses. A. H. and I are so shy. I'm even ashamed to go swimming when there are men there. Asa Heshel goes around all day in his suit and tie.

July 13
.--Thank God, we left the hotel. Now we're living in the village of Zavoya, near Babia Gora. It's such a huge mountain, and it stands there all by itself. At sunset it smokes like a volcano. They say that one can see eagles here. One thing is bad: there are fleas in the bed. The peasants are so dirty. A kettle is built into the oven, and they cook in it three times a day--either barley or potatoes. Our room is full of holy pictures. The peasant has three cows and a few sheep, but he keeps them up in the mountain. There isn't enough fodder down here. Before the war the peasants used to go to Hungary every summer to work in the fields. Now the frontier is closed. Three of the owner's daughters are servants in Krakow, in Jewish homes.

July 14
.--Every time I say anything about having a baby, he becomes furious. He doesn't want to father new generations.

Humanity could perish, for all he cares. I cannot understand why he is so pessimistic. He's especially afraid of having a girl. It must be a hangover from his Talmudic studies, although Grandfather also knew the Talmud, and he loved his grandchildren. How can he love me, if that's what he thinks of women? When he talks like that I have to cry. He seems to be disappointed in everything. Still, sometimes he can be so gay, and play like a child.

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July 15
.--I

didn't sleep all night. The fleas bit murderously. He woke up in the middle of the night to examine the straw mattress with a candle. He cursed everything and everybody, and was resentful that he had come back from Russia. He said that I would have been much happier if I had stayed with F. I cried. He kissed me for a long time and swore that he loved me more than anything.

He's sincere, but his love is so uncertain. Every minute he has another plan. First he wants to go to Palestine, and then back to Switzerland. Sometimes he wants us to stay in Otwotsk, then he wants an apartment in Warsaw. Now he's decided not to go into military service if he's called up this year. I can understand how he feels, but it's beneath our dignity to be deserters. After all, we Jews have lived in Poland for many hundreds of years already.

July 16
.--He's got the job in the theological seminary, Tach-kemoni. We got a letter from Hertz Yanovar. Thank God, now well have something to live on, although we don't know yet what they'll pay. Here it's cheap. You get strawberries for almost nothing, and they're very sweet. Butter, too. The girls bring great piles of wood from the forest. Before, Asa Heshel didn't want this job--he considered it hypocritical to teach in a religious school--but now he seems glad. It could help him stay out of military service, since seminary students are exempt, and the teachers may be, too. Today he promised me that he would do everything possible to divorce Adele. He even said he'd let me have a baby if I could guarantee it would be a boy. As if that depended on me!

July 17
.--I got a letter from Masha. She suddenly reminded herself that I'm her cousin. It's like the proverb: "When there's trouble, one comes to the Jew." Yanek makes her miserable. Now he's a colonel and has to go to the front. She never writes openly; everything is always wrapped in phrases. She wants me to come to her place in Villanov. She's surrounded by so many generals and their wives. I certainly won't go, although Yanek could help Asa Heshel.

August 6
.--Today is my birthday. Twenty-seven years. In three years I'll be thirty. This is fantastic. Where did my years go?

Everything passed like a dream. I used to think that at this age one was very clever. But I'm so green in every respect. Sometimes it seems to me that all I can do is love and suffer.

I reminded him about my birthday several times, but I knew -426-he would

forget, and he did. When I got up, I didn't say a word. He didn't mention it either, and I made up my mind to keep quiet. But I have such a weak character. At lunch I told him and he gave me a kiss. I had hoped he would give me something this afternoon--a flower or a bar of chocolate--but he's forgotten it again.

August 7
.--The peasant got a Krakow newspaper. Great battles are taking place. The Polish army is suffering heavy losses.

Strange birds have invaded the village. They eat the grain in the fields, and the peasants say that they speak with a human tongue.

They're always screeching "
Day yeshch, day yeshch
" ("Give food, give food"). After the harvest they disappear. Our peasant is so old and good-natured. He's small, and carries such long trees that he chops down in the woods. He's almost in love with me, the poor man! Whenever he sees me he takes off his funny little hat.

He tells me Hungarian stories, and about a ghost that emerges from the river on summer nights, disguised as a calf, and chants songs until he lures someone into the river.

Three quarters of the peasants, he says, starve before the harvest, and they have to buy their bread at the baker's. They consider that a disgrace. It seems that there are Communists here.

The old man sides with them. He says that in Russia the peasants don't have to pay taxes. If a Jew spoke that way, it would be dreadful, but the peasants are not afraid of anything. His wife is a nasty woman. She complains that not enough people in the village die, and that's why the need is so great.

August 9
.--Today we were on the mountain where the peasant keeps his cows. His daughter actually lives with the animals. In the middle of the stable there are a few stones she uses for an oven. Everything looks like thousands of years ago. She sleeps on hay. Earthen pots with sour milk stand on the shelves. She gets up at four o'clock to gather grass. There isn't enough flat pasture land. Asa Heshel was delighted with the whole thing. He said that he would like to stay here with me. The girl wears such a shabby dress. She fell in love with him, and she showed it as openly as if she were a cow herself. . . . I had to laugh. She gave him a cup of warm milk, fresh from the udder, and she wouldn't take any money.

August 10
.--We didn't sleep until dawn. He doesn't believe in anything--not God, or humanity. Everything is so black. The -427-weather had

been nice up to now, but today the sky is overcast, and the Babie Gora is all lost in the clouds. He went to the post office. I feel so depressed and I don't know why. I have to control myself, to stop myself from crying. I'm afraid that he doesn't know what love is.

He recognizes only physical passion.

2

A
day in August
.--We're in Otwotsk again. The trip was terrible.

The train was full of soldiers. The Bolsheviks are attacking on all sides. Asa Heshel has to report to the military office the day after tomorrow. He got his job at the seminary, and also one at a girls' Gymnasium, Chavatseleth. But now he has to drop everything. Dear God, ever since I've known him he's been constantly reporting for service. Klonya had a miscarriage. Yanek was wounded at the front. I have only one desire--to fall asleep and never wake up.

Tuesday
.--We got up at dawn today and went to Warsaw. The military office is on Zlota Street. There was a long line of recruits waiting outside. I was the only woman. The gentiles made fun of the Jewish boys. I stood next to him, and I felt very sad. How different he was from all the others! The boys got acquainted with each other, talked, laughed, treated one another to cigarettes, but he didn't say a word to anybody. He spent the whole time looking into a book. He was hostile to me, as if the whole thing were my fault. I was sure that they would reject him, but he was accepted. Next week he has to report to the induction center.

Thursday
.--He came to Otwotsk last night, and left for War-saw this morning. He had slept at his mother's, not at Gina's. I can't even reach him by telephone Why does he make a secret of everything? They all side with Adele. They all belong to one clique, and I'm an outsider. I won't stay in Otwotsk when he leaves for the army. I'll become a nurse.

Friday
.--He was supposed to come today, but it's one in the morning and he's not here yet. He hasn't even written a card. I knew we would have all sorts of trouble, but I never thought we would quarrel so much. He gets locked up inside himself and it's impossible to talk to him. He's in a bad situation, but am I any better off?

Saturday night.--This morning I went to Klonya's in Miedze--428-shin. How different things are there! Vladek is at the front, but nobody makes a tragedy of it. Her mother was there, and her father. I had dinner with them. It was her mother-in-law's birthday. I have never seen such a huge cake, as large as a kneading-trough. After dinner they played a game. They all formed a circle, like children. Whoever was "out" had to pay a forfeit. Klonya's father had to forfeit his watch, and the "judge" told him to kiss me. The old man blushed like a child, and I couldn't help laughing. How I envy these simple people!

Sunday night
.--Yesterday, late at night, he came. I don't know what happened to him, but he was cheerful and talkative, and he even brought me a gift--the poems of Leopold Staff. To-day Uncle Abram and Hertz Yanovar visited us. All say that the war will be over soon, even before he finishes his training. Uncle Abram, Hertz, and he took sticks and brooms and marched like soldiers. I wrote a letter to Masha.

Wednesday
.--He's at the induction center, somewhere in Shiletz.

They won't allow any visitors. Last night I slept at Ida's, in the studio. Uncle Abram sleeps with her in the bedroom. I lay on my cot and couldn't fall asleep. Over my head, through the skylight, I saw the stars, and I felt as though I were in heaven. Ida's all gray. The moon was shining, and the pictures on the walls seemed to come alive.

Thursday
.--Today I was at the induction center and I spoke to him. Masha called up a colonel and got permission for me. He was overjoyed to see me. It's a large house with a fence around it. The recruits walk around the courtyard like prisoners. They all looked at me. I was one woman among hundreds of men. If it weren't for the soldier who accompanied me, they would have torn me to pieces. The soldier opened the door and I saw Asa Heshel. There are no beds there, only bunks along the walls, one above another. He was sitting on a little box, reading his beloved book, Spinoza
Ethics
. He was terribly surprised to see me. I wanted to kiss him, but they were all looking. We left for the courtyard and they all whistled after us.

Rosh Hashonah
.--Asa Heshel is in Zhichlin. I've never been so lonesome on a holiday. Shifra went to hear them blow the ram's horn, but what right have I to go to a synagogue--I, a woman who leads a sinful life? I was afraid they would drive me out. I sent Papa a New Year's card, but up to now he hasn't answered.

Klonya invited me to Miedzeshin, but I would

-429-be ashamed to

be there on our holidays. I've lost everything--my parents, religion, all support. The leaves of the cherry trees in the courtyard are beginning to fade.

The night after Yom Kippur
. Masha was here all day. Her life isn't much better than mine. Yanek is in the hospital; he got a light wound in the thigh. She told me terrible things about him.

He's become a real anti-Semite. She plans to go to America, to her mother. We walked as far as Shrudborov. I fasted, and Masha wouldn't eat either. I prayed from mother's prayerbook, and Masha prayed with me. Strange, she still remembers how to read Hebrew, even better than I do. I dream about Mamma every night. She's dead and alive at the same time, and she cries.

Is it possible that she knows my situation? I think about her very seldom during the day. I sent my nurse's application off, but there hasn't been any answer. I hear that they don't accept Jews.

Wednesday
. Pilsudski is really saving Poland. It's almost sure that Asa Heshel won't have to be in the war. I'm glad about it, but somewhere I had a desire for him to be one of the liberators of Poland. We women always want our men to be heroes. That is silly. I got a postcard from Zhichlin. He writes so briefly.

November 12
. Today I returned from Zhichlin. I was there four days. How funny he looks in his uniform! They gave him clothes that are too big. The soldiers don't actually do anything.

They know that they'll be discharged soon. He got a furlough and we slept in a hotel. He introduced me as his wife, and they all called me "Mrs. Bannet."

November 16
.--I received a letter from Adele. Her mother must have dictated it to her. It's full of curses and threats. Dear diary, I'm placing the letter between your leaves; let it be a witness of all my sufferings.

At night
.--One thought plagues me--have I acted properly? Did I have the right to take him from his child? They all think that I've committed a crime. Even those who consider themselves progressive. They talk and read so much about love, but when it comes down to it they're a bunch of fanatics. Rosa Frumetl goes around maligning me. She's doing it systematically. She goes from house to house. I get all the reports. I've always asked God to guard me from hatred, but it's more and more difficult to keep from hating. Dear God, I forgive everybody.

-430-Sometimes I

feel as though my neck were in a noose. If I tell him anything, he becomes irritated.

I thought that where there was love, everything was shared, but he's different in this respect too. He's always busy with his own thoughts and he doesn't say anything. It's as though he were always waiting for something and had no patience. Even his letters are hurried.

Monday
.--Shifra told me today that she's leaving me. She's going to get married. To Itchele. He came back to her after all. I couldn't afford to keep her, anyway. But it will be so difficult without her. She almost brought me up, although she's only five years older than I. As long as she was around, I felt that Mother was still with me. When she called me "mistress," I always imagined that she was speaking to Mother. I'm going to give her my smaller brooch.