The First Assistant (35 page)

have a superior fashion sense, and.. .”

“And I bet he could teach me how to give the best blow job on the planet,” she jumped in excitedly. Well that thought was slightly left of field but whatever worked for Emerald. I continued.

“Maybe. But even better, he probably won’t give two hoots who you sleep with as long as you’re discreet.” If I didn’t have Emerald at hello, I certainly had her now.

She jumped from her chair with remarkable ease considering the weight of her dress and wrapped me in one of her now infamous breastie hugs.

“Oh, Lizzie, you crack me up. Who says ‘hoot’ anymore? But you’re

so right! I can’t believe I’ve fallen into the best situation in the world and I couldn’t even see it. I get all the respect of being a married lady with none of the downsides. I mean, if we wanted a baby, I bet Jizzy would even pay for a surrogate mother to carry it so I don’t get fat. It’s great, right?” She squealed. Luckily she didn’t wait for a response because, to be honest, the entire thing was almost too horrific to comprehend. And now in some small way I was culpable.

Emerald turned toward the mirror and excitedly started to bark or-ders. “Lizzie, can you call my makeup and hair back in, please, and let Belinda, the wedding planner, know that it’s a go. Also tell her to let Jizzy know that we’re on again.” She stopped in her tracks as something caught her eye. She turned around and grabbed my right wrist. I was wearing the bracelet she had given me in Thailand. “You didn’t sell the bracelet?” she said with tears in her eyes.

“Of course I didn’t sell it. It was a gift from you. I wouldn’t do that,” I said completely shocked by Emerald’s emotion.

“You really are my friend, Lizzie. Aren’t you?” she said more as a statement to herself than a question. I just nodded in agreement. Then the doors flew open and her entire entourage flooded into the room.

“Darling, your makeup is a disaster,” a woman with enormous hair said. “It’ll take me an eternity to fix. Quick. Quick. Where’s my case?” she demanded.

“Look, her dress is wrinkled,” an annoyed little Italian man said, and so on and so on.

I quietly snuck from the room and walked outside determined to get back to the party and admire all the fabulous guests. After all the drama of the day, I was dying for a glass of champagne and some caviar. Then when I was old and wrinkly as a Sharpe I could tell my grandkids how I’d been at Emerald Everhart’s wedding to Jizzy James. But before I could enter the tent, Scott spotted me and motioned with his head for me to follow. I did as I was told, as ever, and we walked to a cliff overlooking the sea a bit away from the party.

He looked around like he was in an episode of Sherlock Holmes and then handed me something. I took it warily. We hadn’t spoken since he’d eviscerated me in his office. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure I could forgive Scott for not believing in me. Everyone else, fine. But Scott was

supposed to be my friend. “I’m not sure I should accept mysterious parcels from people anymore, Scott. I may just get accused of crimes I didn’t commit,” I said like a spurned lover. I glared at Scott determined to hate him, but he looked so guilty I forgave him instantly. But that didn’t mean some groveling wasn’t required.

“Lizzie. I’m really sorry. I am. You have to understand that I’d been defending you for months and then the bank-account thing just tipped me over the edge. I felt betrayed. And to be honest, I thought I was protecting my family.” The tears I had been biting back for days finally overwhelmed me. I started to sob and Scott looked absolutely horrified. Lara, who had obviously been watching the situation from afar, rushed over. She punched Scott painfully hard in the arm.

“What are you doing now, you asshole?” she hissed. “Haven’t you done enough damage already?”

I tried to explain but the sobs were just coming at such a rapid rate that I couldn’t get a word out. Lara put her arm protectively around my shoulder. Scott looked like a naughty boy.

“I was apologizing and I bought her a present. I swear. I feel like shit, Lara. I do,” he said desperately. Lara looked at him suspiciously as my gulping sobs started to subside.

“Drink some champagne, my love. It’ll make you feel better. I heard all about the planned sting operation. You should sue them, Lizzie.” She punched Scott again as I took a big swig from a beautiful crystal flute. “I told you you were being an ass. You deserve to be sued,” she said.

I handed back the wrapped box to Scott and took a deep breath. “Thanks, Scott, and I accept your apology, but I don’t need gifts. Just the apology will do.”

“Lizzie, please just open it. It’s nothing silly or extravagant. Just kind of sentimental, I guess.”

Lara raised an eyebrow. “Well that would be a first,” she said.

I wiped away the tears on the back of my hand and opened the blue Tiffany box. Inside was a gold charm bracelet. I pulled it out curiously and examined it. There were three little diamond letters on it.

“What are these?” I asked, puzzled. There were two Ls and an S. Last time I’d checked they weren’t my initials.

“One L is for Lachlan, one for Lara, and S, well, that’s for me. I understand if you want to take the S off and that’s okay, but I got it to remind you that you always have a family here in LA,” Scott said shyly. Lara and I looked at each other in absolute shock and my tears started afresh.

“Oh God. Don’t cry again. I can’t handle crying women. How many times do I have to tell you that?” He rolled his eyes heavenward. Lara threw her arms around him and gave him a big kiss.

“Thanks, Scott. That means the world to me.” I sniffled as I put the charm bracelet on my bare left wrist.

“Cool, babe. Glad to hear we’re kosher. Now will you be back at the office once we chop the head off the rattlesnake who’s there now?” He was all business again.

Oddly this very question had been weighing on my mind for a while now. And I hadn’t realized I’d made a decision until just that second.

“No, Scott. I think it’s time I moved on,” I said firmly. The words were out of my mouth before I really knew what I was saying. I had never been great at steering my own destiny, but I suddenly realized that it was time.

“Not a surprise, Lizzie-o. You’re wasted at my desk. Anyway, I don’t think I could handle walking by your Oscar every day on the way into my office. I hate to feel inadequate. But if you ever need anything, I’m always here for you.” He touched the S on my bracelet, grabbed Lara’s hand, and walked back toward the party. Lara gave me a wink and a wave as I followed a few discreet steps behind.

It was then that I decided that I was going to exact a very necessary pound of flesh from my erstwhile boss.

“Scott!” I called out. “Can I borrow you for just one second?” “Huh?” Scott turned around and Lara nodded, pushing him toward me. “Go on, Scott. Lizzie wants you,” Lara said.

“Better be quick, baby. Unlike you, I have work to do.” Scott put his arm around my shoulder and I wondered whether it was right to ruin our new affection with what I wanted to say. But when I looked at Lara, it was a risk I knew I’d have to take.

“Scott. Will you do one thing for me?” I asked quietly, so as not to be overheard.

“Maybe.” Scott was smart enough not to put his name on anything

he didn’t know inside-out and back-to-front. “What is it?” he asked suspiciously, removing his arm slowly from around my shoulder.

“It’s the women.” I took a deep breath. This wasn’t easy. “The women?”

“The affairs, Scott. The panting ladies with no panties whom you secrete away in your office and we never can find but we all know they’re there because we can hear them moaning.” There, I’d said it.

“The affairs?” Scott said, with an unreadable expression on his face. “I’m loyal, Scott, but when I’m not there to protect you and turn the volume up on my Ipod, I’m sure some other assistant will let the cat out of the bag and Lara will find out. So if you don’t stop I’m going to have to tell her. And she really doesn’t deserve that.” I looked at my feet. Then, getting no reply from Scott, I slowly raised my head to see his face.

To my surprise, he was smiling. Beaming. Broadly. Then, in a move that caused my heart to momentarily stop beating, he called out,

“Hey, Lara, you gotta come listen to this, honey!” And Lara turned around and headed back to us.

“Lizzie thinks I’m having affairs.” He let forth a peel of laughter. “She does?” Lara squinted her eyes and looked lividly from me to

Scott. Not sure whom to hate the most.

“But I’m not.” Scott scooped us both into a big hug, “It’s hentai, ladies. It’s Japanese cartoon porn. It’s the coolest, sexiest thing you’ve ever seen, well, I’ve ever seen—apart from you, honey.” He squeezed Lara’s ass at this point. “And I have to confess that I’m totally and utterly fucking addicted to it.”

“Hen what?” I asked, completely puzzled.

“Hentai.” He laughed. “Hen fucking Tai.” And so I guess that was that, then. Life was even better than I had thought it was five minutes ago.

As we all took our seats for the ceremony, my head was spinning with the thrill of possibility. I was about to start a new chapter of my life. I looked at the two bracelets, one on each wrist, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I had family in LA, after all. And that family wasn’t nearly as dysfunctional as I’d first thought.

Twenty-one

I can’t talk about Hollywood. It was a horror to me when I was

there and it’s a horror to look back on. I can’t imagine how I did it. When I got away from it I couldn’t even refer to the place by name. “Out there” I called it.

—Dorothy Parker

I sat nervously at the Coffee Bean, clutching my cell phone, waiting for the call. Today was the day that Amber Bingham-Fox was going down. And for some reason I was incredibly nervous. I’d put on my most re-spectable black Banana Republic suit and the strand of pearls I’d been given for my eighteenth birthday. I know it was dramatic, but I wanted to look the image of the wronged woman. And I must have achieved it because I swear people were looking at me pityingly. They probably thought I was on my way to a funeral. I could only wish.

The phone vibrated and I jumped out of my skin. I looked at it and saw that it was Jason calling. I answered it quickly.

“Hi, Jason. I’m waiting in your alma mater for the Amber phone call,” I told him.

“Do they have a picture of me on the wall yet?” he asked seriously. “Yeah. An enormous one the size of the window.”

“Really?” he asked excitedly. “No, you idiot.”

“Oh. Are you coming over tonight?”

“Sure. I can’t wait to see you. Once this is all over, I’ll be able to relax.” “Cool. Can you pick up a copy of
Belle de jour
on your way?” he

asked.

Call waiting bleeped into my phone and I could see it was The Agency.

“Jason, that’s them. Got to go.”

“Have fun, babes. Give her hell,” Jason said supportively. I switched the call over to Scott.

“Okay, I’ll be right there,” I said as I stood up, banging my knees clumsily against the table. I suddenly felt sick. I realized as I walked across the street that I was actually scared of Amber. I wouldn’t put it past her to run at me with her fancy silver letter opener and try to gouge out my heart.

As I walked into The Agency’s famous atrium, I felt oddly disconnected from my body. I waved to the security guard, who had obviously been informed of the impending bust because he gave me a respectful nod then walked me to the elevator. Scott and Katherine had given me the choice to either confront Amber first, say my piece after the police arrived, or stay at home and hear the details later from Scott. At first, I’d decided on the last option. I just wanted to forget the entire thing had ever happened. As long as I knew Amber was going to get her just desserts, I didn’t feel any need to witness it. But when I’d finally filled my parents in on the details, they had felt that it was vital that I confront her at The Agency in front of everyone. Only then would my name be properly cleared through the whisper-down-the-lane method that Amber had used so well to her advantage. Unfortunately I knew they were right, as parents so often are, and for once I listened to their words of wisdom. I would face Amber at The Agency and then the police would come and arrest her. They were already in the building somewhere, and no doubt they’d be watching the scene.

As the elevator door opened, I took a deep breath and walked with purpose to Amber’s desk. A new assistant was sitting at what used to be my desk. She looked at me blankly and I quickly realized that this wasn’t because she didn’t recognize me but because Amber had wanted to make sure there was no competition so she had chosen the dumbest girl she could find. If only I had been so crafty.

“I’m here to see Amber,” I said to little Miss Vacant.

“Oh. Good,” she said, then studied the call sheet intently. I waited there for a few minutes until it struck me that she wasn’t in the process of producing Amber for me.

“Can you get her, please?” I asked patiently. “Oh. You want me to get her?”

“Yes,” I said as slowly as possible.

“She’s right there.” The new girl pointed to the opening doors of the elevator.

Amber and I locked eyes as she walked toward me. She had a smug, gloating look on her face. I was already thrilled to be here.

“Elizabeth,” she said loudly so everyone could hear. “You know you’re not supposed to be in the building. It’s not me really. It’s Scott. If he sees you, I could get fired.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Amber,” I said as I sat down in her chair and put my feet up on her desk. Amber was totally taken aback. She didn’t know if I’d become unhinged or what was going on. I was personally relishing the moment.

“Lizzie,” she said more menacingly than before as she picked up Miss Vacant’s phone. “I’m calling Security.”

“That’s a great idea, Amber. Because you’re going to need them to es-cort you out of the building,” I said. Amber just laughed arrogantly in my face.

“I don’t think so, Lizzie.” She walked over to me and literally shoved my feet off the desk with one forceful sweep of her arm. It knocked me slightly off balance and I fell backward in her office chair. I was try-ing to at least get off the floor, but she moved her face as close to mine as possible and held me and the chair down purposefully on the ground. I blinked in astonishment at her agility and my total lack of co-ordination.