The First Three Rules (21 page)

“You okay?” he said.

Somehow, Ellis found the strength to nod.

“It’s good to have a friend.”

Ellis nodded again.

“Well, I better get going. The wife will be looking for me and she hates it when I wander off.”

Rudy said, “Rule number two.”

Ellis didn’t even bother to remind him to be quiet. George extended his hand to Ellis and he took it. Could George feel him shaking because it felt like his entire body was about to fall apart.

“I’m happy for you,” George said.

Ellis tried to pull his hand back, but George held on.

“And in spite of the black eye, you look happy too.”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t let this town get to you, Ellis. You’re too good for that.” George let him go. “Good meeting you, Jon.”

Jon nodded. It was several minutes after George left before Ellis could move. He grabbed the buggy with the intent of getting out of there, shopping half done or not. Rudy had his hand on the side of the buggy. The red finger prints on his arm guaranteed bruises.

Ellis blinked back tears. “I’m sorry, Rudy.”

“I like George.” Rudy grinned. “Can we buy ice cream?”

Ellis wished he’d get angry, but Rudy never got angry. “We need to go.”

“We’re not done,” Jon said.

“Yes, we are.” All Ellis could think about was getting out of there.

People stared at them, through the aisle, through the walls. The whole world knew he was having sex with a man. He was gay. Admitting it created partitions where categories of people were divided up. Some were sorted by color, some were sorted by race, others were sorted by who they slept with. Another thing he’d known about the world, but never had to face before..

“Ellis.” His name was barely a whisper on Jon’s lips. Ellis stopped. The warmth of Jon’s palm pressed against the back of his neck. “Let’s finish getting the groceries.”

“Why?”

“Because you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed.” Ellis closed his eyes and let his chin fall to his chest. “I’m scared. There’s a difference.”

“About what people will say?”

If only it were words Ellis had to worry about. “No, about what they’ll do.” He looked up at Rudy, who poked a box of marshmallow cereal with his finger. “Or, more precisely, what they’ll do to him.”

“You know, sometimes I get scared too.” Jon’s admission surprised Ellis. “Then I remember how many people really don’t care to make someone’s private life their business.”

“What about the ones who do?”

“Then we’ll handle it.”

We. Ellis met Jon’s gaze. We. There was admiration in the way Jon looked at him. And something else. Thankfulness? Why would Jon be thankful? Ellis owed Jon, not the other way around.

The row of marshmallow cereal toppled off the shelf, becoming a pile at Rudy’s feet. “I didn’t touch it.”

Ellis blew out a breath. “Yes, you did.”

Rudy glanced at the mess. “Maybe a little.”

Jon helped Rudy put the boxes back on the shelf. When Jon stood, he draped an arm over Ellis’s shoulders and said, “I’m with Rudy. Let’s get ice cream.”

Ellis went and he even smiled.

Rudy decided ice cream was the best food in the world. Better than oatmeal, macaroni, even cookies because, when he ate it, it made him happy inside. The only bad thing about ice cream was that sometimes it bit back. He scrunched his nose when a cold spike poked him in the forehead.

Was it better to have ice cream or baseball cards? He couldn’t eat baseball cards so they weren’t the same thing. Baseball cards were something to look at.

Ellis and Jon weren’t eating ice cream or playing with baseball cards, they were in the kitchen. Rudy had no idea what they talked about, but it made Ellis laugh.

He decided that ice cream was the best food, baseball cards the best thing to own, and Ellis laughing the best sound.

Rudy counted these things off on his fingers, while he blew on his next spoonful of ice cream.

Ellis went quiet and Rudy stood just enough to see through the opening over the sink. Nope, no luck there. He peeked around the corner of the doorway. Rudy turned his head to the side, trying to figure out why Ellis’s and Jon’s faces were stuck together.

When they came unstuck, Jon and Ellis were both smiling.

Okay, maybe Ellis’s smiles were better than baseball cards.

Ellis looked at Rudy. He thought about running back to the table, but it was too late.

“What are you doing?” Ellis said.

Rudy stepped into the doorway. Don’t lie. Don’t lie. Don’t lie. “Watching.” Jon laughed, and Ellis’s face turned beet red. “Am I in trouble?”

“Go eat your ice cream.” Ellis pointed to the dining room.

Rudy didn’t move and Ellis glared at him. Ellis’s glares were not good so Rudy put them on the bad list.

Jon picked up a bowl of fresh scooped ice cream and walked over. “Let’s go sit down.” Rudy went with him.

“Is Ellis mad?”

“Nah, just a little embarrassed.”

Rudy sat. “Why?”

Jon’s mouth tilted to the side. He spooned up some ice cream, but didn’t eat it. “It’s hard to explain.” The bite disappeared in his mouth.

Rudy spooned up some too. He made sure to blow on it before eating it. Sure did taste good. Definitely the best food.

Ellis came to the table with his bowl and sat next to Jon. He smiled again. Rudy smiled too. He blew on another bite.

Ellis and Jon watched him then exchanged looks. They did that a lot. Another thought occurred to Rudy. Would Ellis quit smiling if Jon wasn’t here?

He blew on another bite.

“Why are you blowing on your ice cream?” Ellis said.

“To make it warm.”

“Rudy, you can’t make it warm. Even if you could, it would melt.”

While Ellis and Jon talked Rudy thought about how to make Jon stay. Rudy didn’t think Jon was going to leave anytime soon because he didn’t have his bag in his hand. But just to make sure, he could put Jon’s bag somewhere so he couldn’t find it. Would he leave without it?

What if he just got in his car and went? He couldn’t go if the car didn’t turn on. The truck wouldn’t turn on once and Ellis had to call someone to fix it so they could go get milk.

Was there a way to keep Jon’s car from starting?

Rudy’s spoon made a scraping sound against the bowl. All his ice cream was gone. “It’s empty.”

“That’s because you ate it all,” Ellis said.

“Can I have more?”

“Later.”

Rudy waited. “Now?”

“I just told you no.”

“But that was before, now it’s later.”

“He’s got you there,” Jon said.

Ellis shook his head. “Go put your bowl in the sink.”

Maybe Ellis meant a different kind of later. If so, how would Rudy know when it was the right one? He carried his bowl into the kitchen and put it in the sink. The cookie jar sat on the counter. Ellis used to put cookies in there. Maybe he’d started again. Rudy looked inside.

From the dining room, Ellis said, “Leave the cookie jar alone.”

Rudy put the lid back on. Next to the cookie jar was the special basket where Ellis would put his keys and change. There were two sets inside. One was Ellis’s, the others had to be Jon’s.

Cars needed keys to start.

“I’m going to my room.” Rudy picked up the keys.

“Don’t turn the TV up too loud and make sure to sit back from the screen.”

“Okay.”

Rudy took slow, soft steps so he wouldn’t jiggle the keys in his hand. It seemed to take forever to get to his room. Once inside, he stared at the keys dangling from his finger. Now what? He had to put them somewhere Jon would never find them. Somewhere Jon could never get them back.

The thing inside Rudy that always told him where to find things pushed him in the direction of the bathroom. He stopped beside the toilet. This was the perfect place. Somewhere Ellis and Jon would never find the keys. And if Jon couldn’t find his keys he could never leave. Then Ellis would smile and smile and smile.

The keys made a hollow ‘plunk’ and sank to the bottom of the bowl. Rudy flushed.

He was still grinning when he sat down in the floor to watch TV.

“Do you need any Tylenol?” Jon said.

Ellis scrubbed his hair with the towel. “I’m good. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“What about headaches?”

“Not really.”

“That’s not a no.”

“I’m fine.”

The worst of the bruising had faded, but Ellis’s cheek was still discolored and there was a dark line under his eye. At least, he could open it all the way now.

Ellis folded up the towel he’d been using to dry his hair and put it on the dresser. His mouth made a thin line on his face and his eyebrows were down. He turned away.

“What’s wrong?” Jon said.

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“I’m just thinking.”

“About what?”

“I’m going to check in with Doctor Bramblet tomorrow to see if it’s okay for me to drive.” He paused, folding up his jeans and held them close to his chest for a moment. “So, I guess that means you won’t have to give me rides into town.” He put the jeans with his shirt on the dresser.

Ah. Now Jon understood. “You think because you won’t need me as your chauffeur anymore that I won’t stick around.”

“It’s crossed my mind.”

Jon put his arms around Ellis and kissed the back of his neck. “Eventually, you’re going to get tired of me,” Jon said.

“No, I won’t.” Ellis petted Jon’s arm.

“I’ve been here over a week. You’ve got to want some alone time.”

Ellis tipped his face up. “Even with Rudy here, I’m alone.” Ellis shrugged. “It’s selfish and clingy and pathetic, I know.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. You have a life, and part of me wants you to throw it all away just so I don’t have to be by myself. You hardly know me. I hardly know you. And in my head, I’ve already put up a white picket fence and bought a dog.”

“What about the two point five kids?”

“I have Rudy. He counts for three, at least.”

Jon couldn’t argue. In the silence between them, the sound of Rudy’s TV drifted through the walls.

“I should make him turn that down. He’s going to go deaf.” Ellis stared at the bedroom door. “I really do love him.”

“Of course, you do.”

“Sometimes I get angry and I shouldn’t.”

“Patience only goes so far before it’s spread too thin.”

“But he can’t help it.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.”

“According to mom, when Rudy was little, he had a fever. He almost died. She said after he got better he wasn’t the same. He no longer cried, he was slow to react. They knew something happened to him. The doctors suggested she give him up and let him go to a place for people with problems because he would be very difficult to deal with. Even dad wondered if it might be better. She said no.”

“She loved him.” Jon held Ellis tighter.

“Yeah. She accepted the responsibility.”

“That’s what mothers do.”

Ellis’s grip tightened on Jon’s arm. “But she died and it became my responsibility. I didn’t get a choice.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “And sometimes I resent Rudy for that. I think I might even hate my parents for leaving me alone to take care of him.”

“Why do you keep him now? There are homes he could live in and you could visit.”

“Have you ever seen the kind of places they put people like him? I took a tour of one. It was like the guy leading me around was blind to the surroundings. Like the conditions those people lived in was normal. The doctors drug them up so they don’t have to deal with them. There isn’t enough staff to take care of them. Patients walk around filthy or naked, because they don’t have sense enough to bathe or put on clothes. They sit and drool, stare at the walls, yell and scream. It smells terrible. And it isn’t just human waste, it’s the death. The people I saw weren’t alive, they were walking corpses.” Ellis was quiet for a while. “I made the mistake of taking Rudy when I went. I didn’t know it was going to be like that or I never would have gone in the first place.” Ellis traced Jon’s fingers. “He was terrified and clung to me the whole time we were there. When we got back to the car I swore to him I would never ever send him away.”

And he’d kept his promise, even at his own expense. Sorrow pierced Jon’s chest.

“I guess, that’s why I’m so greedy with you,” Ellis said. “You’ve given me a slice of life. Now I want the whole damn cake.”

Ellis didn’t know what he was asking for. He already had one responsibility he didn’t need a burden to go along with it. And Jon didn’t want to lead him on. He didn’t want to lead himself on. Was happiness even possible for him? Jon wanted it. He craved it.

He should have never taken Ellis to bed, but Jon was weak. Like now, Jon couldn’t keep himself from sliding his hands up Ellis’s torso, following the thin line of hair from Ellis’s belly button to his pecs. Jon rubbed his hardening cock against Ellis’s ass. Only the towels they wore were between them.

“Come to bed,” Jon said.

Ellis made a wanton sound and rolled his head to the side, giving Jon easy access to the side of his neck. Jon nipped Ellis close to his jaw.

“Only if you promise me all of you.” Ellis said. “I don’t want to be the only one to…you know.”

“Come?” He made a wet line with his tongue to Ellis’s shoulder.

His breathing hitched. “Yeah. That.”

“I told you, I don’t have to come to enjoy what we do.”

“I want you to and I’m obviously not good enough with using my mouth to make you.” Not yet. But then even skilled lovers had a hard time bringing Jon that way. He needed to set the rhythm. He needed the control.

And right now, knowing he had it, made him hard as steel. He maneuvered Ellis over to the bed. “Move to the middle and lay on your stomach.” Jon hooked his finger in the edge of Ellis’s towel. “Lose this.”

“I mean it, Jon. Everything.” Ellis turned away and unwrapped the towel from his waist. He glanced around like he didn’t know what to do with it, but finally dropped it on the floor. The whole time, Ellis kept his back to Jon. Even when Jon had him splayed out on the bed, he would try and cover himself. Not this time though. Jon wasn’t going to allow it.