Read The Football Fan's Manifesto Online
Authors: Michael Tunison
To my mother, with all my love,
even if she is a Redskins fan
Article I:
The Supremacy of Football
Section 1:
Other Major Sports Are Inherently Inferior to Pro Football and Therefore Unworthy of Our Time
Section 2:
A People’s History of Football Fanaticism
Section 3:
The Football Fan Is the Next Evolution of Man
Article II:
The Fundamentals of Fandom
Section 1:
Pick a Team, Any Team. Just Pick One and Only One
Section 2:
Who You Root for Defines Who You Are
Section 3:
The Memory of Your Team’s Epic Playoff Loss Will Set the Tone for All Your Future Personal Failures
Clause A:
The Most Epic Chokes
Section 4:
Choose a Player to Idolize Based on His Carefully Crafted Public Persona
Section 5:
Know Thine Enemies, So You Can Identify Them After Crushing Their Skulls into Powder
Section 6:
Bandwagon Fans: Can’t Live with Them, Can’t Line Them Up and Melt Their Insides with a Flamethrower
Clause A:
How to Identify a Bandwagon Fan
Section 7:
Choose Your Friends Based on Football Allegiances—and Maybe Their Parent’s Beach House
Section 8:
Learn to Deal with People Who Actively Dislike Sports While Somehow Resisting the Urge to Strangle Them
Article III:
The Formative Years of Fandom
Section 1:
Matriculate into College (So You Can Learn That Word Doesn’t Mean Advancing a Football)
Section 2:
The Liberal Arts Agenda Against Fandom
Section 3:
Attend a Game a Week and a Class Per Semester: A Fan’s Guide to Higher Education
Section 4:
Befriend NFL Prospects Now, While They’ll Still Let You Do Their Homework for Them
Clause A:
The Duties for the Aspiring Hanger-on
Section 5:
Watch Football While Tripping Balls: Drugs and Gameday
Section 6:
Countries Most Likely to Cease Being Useless and Catch Football Fever
Section 7:
Land a Football-Related Job
Section 8:
Root for Your Team from Afar
Article IV:
The Two-Minute Driven Life
Section 1:
You Can’t Have a Tailgate of One
Section 2:
Make the Game Part of Your Game: Picking Up Women
Section 3:
Convenient Conditioning for the Football Fatty
Section 4:
The Diner Quiz For a Post-Post-Diner Generation
Clause A:
The Football Manifesto Mate-Matching Metric
Section 5:
The Obligatory Guidelines for Female Fans
Clause A:
Ground Rules for Female Fans
Section 6:
Vow to Have a Football-Themed Wedding
Section 7:
Raise Your Kids to Root for Your Team Through Coercion
Section 8:
Acceptable Levels of Involvement in Your Kid’s Pop Warner League
Section 9:
Scenes from a Broken Fan Marriage
Section 10:
Lord Your Personal Success Over Baseball Fans Because You Don’t Spend All Your Time Watching Baseball
Article V:
Gameday Operating Procedure: The Gop that Wants You to Have Fun
Section 1:
Flout the Fan Conduct Policy
Section 2:
Personal Seat Licenses Are a Bigger Rip-off than Buying a Home
Section 3:
Your New Pair of Underwear Is to Blame for a Ten-Loss Season
Section 4:
Tailgating Is the Pregame Alcohol-Based Ritual of Kings
Clause A:
Avoid Tailgating Scenesters
Clause B:
Tailgating Grub: Meat, Meat, More Meat, Wash Down with Beer, Repeat with Meat
Section 5:
Get Pumped for Victory in the Game You’re Not Playing
Section 6:
The High Five Is an Intricate Art Not to Be Toyed With
Section 7:
Like All Extreme Sports, Running onto the Playing Field Is Dumb and Wrong—and Irresistible
Section 8:
The Challenge of the Superfans
Section 9:
Gamble, Because of Course You’re Smarter than Vegas
Section 10:
Probably Should’ve Known Before You Bought Those Season Tickets: Watching a Game at Home Is Far Better than the Stadium Experience
Article VI:
The Fantasy Football Chapter (Now with Tear-Out Cheat Sheet!)
Section 1:
Fantasy Baseball Is for Geeks but Fantasy Football Is for Men
Section 2:
Know Your Fantasy League or Know Draft Defeat
Section 3:
Naming Your Fantasy Team, or Which Anchorman Reference Shall You Go With?
Section 4:
The Fantasy Draft Is the Only Time Being an Unrepentant Homer Doesn’t Help
Clause A:
Draft Trash-Talk Tips
Section 5:
Fantasy Football Magazines Are the Most Useless Thing You’ll Reflexively Purchase Each Year
Section 6:
A Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday
Section 7:
Issue Threats to People Who Veto Your Fantasy Trades
Article VII:
A Fan for All Seasons
Section 1:
Seventeen Weeks of Sweet Delusion
Section 2:
Strategies for a Losing Season: Blame All Parties Involved
Section 3:
Drink Deep of the Haterade, That Cool, Refreshing Drink
Section 4:
When “Wait ’Til Next Year” Is an Annual Mantra, or the Fan Bases of the Damned
Section 5:
The Week Between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl Is the Tool of the Devil (as Well as the Networks, Which Are Run by the Devil)
Section 6:
If You Need Don Cheadle to Motivate You for the Playoffs, You Aren’t a Fan
Section 7:
Super Bowl Parties Are for Amateurs—but Still Worth It
Section 8:
Celebrate a Title, Bitches!
Article VIII:
Surviving the Endless Off-Season
Section 1:
Your End of the Year Denial Is So Strong You’ll Actually Watch a Part of the Pro Bowl
Section 2:
Feign an Interest in Other Sports and Other People
Section 3:
Oh, No! Your Favorite Player Left in Free Agency! Disown Him at Once!
Clause A:
The Five Stages of Free Agent Dejection
Section 4:
The Draft Is Excruciating, but in April You’ll Take Anything You Can Get
Clause A:
The NFL Draft Drinking Game
Section 5:
The Arena League and the CFL Are a Sickening Farce and Not Even the Good Kind of Sickening Farce
Section 6:
Beware the Post–NBA Finals Misery Vortex
Section 7:
Training Camp Is Miserable for the Athlete, Only Kind of Boring for You
Section 8:
Observe Madden Day Like the National Holiday It Should Be
Section 9:
Dupe Yourself into Thinking the Preseason Matters
Article IX:
Take Fandom to Unhealthy Levels—Then a Little Further
Section 1:
Fandom on the Intarwebz!!11!
Section 2:
Heed the Officially Licensed Section on NFL Apparel and Merchandise
Section 3:
Dress Your Pet, Because They Can’t Tell You It’s Lame
Section 4:
The Mystery of Trash-Talking
Clause A:
The Laws of Trash-Talking
Section 5:
“Can You Please Sign My Newborn?”: Autograph Hunting
Section 6:
Pester God to Intercede on Your Team’s Behalf
Section 7:
Fortify Your Conversations with the Power of Football Clichés
Section 8:
Get Tat Up from the Mat Up
Article X:
Death: Because Only Al Davis can Live Forever
Section 1:
Retirement or “Which Team Do I Like, Again?”
Section 2:
Your Team Relocated to Another City! Your Entire Life Was All for Naught!
Section 3:
Buying a Team Means Buying the Affections of Millions, Even as You Screw Them
Section 4:
Remain Die-hard Even When You’re About to Die
Section 5:
To a Bears Fan Dying Young
Section 6:
Hector Your Favorite Players into the Hall of Fame
Section 7:
On Death and Deep-frying
Section 8:
The Afterlife, or As It’s Known in Football-Speak, the Post-Life
Epilogue:
This Book Gets Summ-ed Up! Clap, Clap, Clap-Clap-Clap!
This book would not exist without the work of Johan Gutenberg, Al Gore, and the Rooney family. Also, these people:
First and foremost, my family: my mom and dad, Christina, Angie, Marissa, Alexandra, and Colleen.
My second, hipper, blacker family: Kevin Merida and Donna Britt, who drove me to start writing and are therefore responsible for every bad joke in this book; the immensely talented Hamani Britt-Gibson, who owes me twenty dollars; and my weekly football confidant and TV murderer Darrell Britt-Gibson.
Internet dick-joke-slinging brethren: Drew Magary, Matt Ufford, Jack Kogod, Joshua Zerkle, and the shadowy figure that is flubby. As well as our Uproxx benefactors Jarret Myer and Brian Brater. And Jerry Thompson, who makes it run smoothly.
JoAnn Bruch, to whom I owe my all-consuming football fanaticism.
My editor Matthew Benjamin: You took a chance on me and made this mystifying process remarkably easy. Apologies again for all the bukkake jokes in the first draft.
Much thanks to my compatriots in Web-based onanistic sportswriting for continued support, inspiration, and Brazzers.com log-ins: Will Leitch, Nick Dallamora, Sarah Sprague, Mike Florio, Stefan Fatsis, DJ Gallo, Spencer Hall, Brian Powell, Raquel Frisardi, Dan Shanoff, Matt Johnson, Gourmet Spud, Brooks Melchior, The Mighty MJD, Vince Mancini, Dan Levy, Chris Cooley, Wright Thompson, Cajun Boy, Chris Cotter, Michael Grass, Rob Iracane, J. E. Skeets, Grimey, Scott Van Pelt, the Brothers Mottram, Sarah Schorno, Dan Steinberg, Enrico Campitelli Jr., and A. J. Daulerio.
Friends, well-wishers, and people who don’t wish me any specific harm: Ralston Yorrick, Jessica Rinne, Aaron Andzik, Joe Nese, Barbara Lindell, Vanessa Parra, Lana Chung, Rob Ullman, Candice Bloch, Jon Lewis, Elahe Izadi, Ben Domenech, Adam Claus, and Rachel Freedenberg.
Katie, Sterling, Nena, Sal, Scrappy, Jobie, and the rest of folks at the Pour House with whom I share my boozy autumn Sundays and screaming fits.
The readers and commenters at Kissing Suzy Kolber: When they aren’t cussing me out or dismissively commenting “meh” on my posts, they’re making me eternally grateful not to be writing any more ten-inch stories on county council meetings. Thanks, assholes!