The Fragile Fall (14 page)

Ryanne

T
HE
PARTY
WAS
IN
AN
hour and, of course, my dad had showed up. He hadn’t been home in several months, but now he wanted to play house. Not only that, but he’d arrived the day after Jax’s birthday and never said anything. Not even a freaking Hallmark card. But that was to be expected from our dad. He was a worthless parent and a pretty shitty human being as well. I told him about the party and he said he’d try to be there, though I wasn’t holding my breath. He would probably be in his office at work.
It wasn’t like it was his son’s eighteenth-birthday party or anything.

I worried what my dad would do now that Jax was eighteen. Since we were both adults, he really had no reason to come home anymore. He could stop pretending to be a parent and go do whatever the fuck it was that he did. Before I’d turned eighteen, he’d spent more time at home, only gone one or two nights a month. He worked late hours, but he was home pretty consistently. As soon as I’d turned eighteen, he’d left more frequently and for longer periods of time. It didn’t matter that Jax was sixteen and I still had a few months left of high school. All that mattered was work.

On my eighteenth birthday, he didn’t say happy birthday or buy me a present. Instead, he sat me down and told me the things I needed to start taking care of—making sure Jax got to school and kept his grades up, making sure the house was kept in order, grocery shopping and paying the bills. I was basically responsible for everything. I hated my dad. The fact that he was ignoring his son’s birthday upset me, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I had given up on him years ago. I felt sorry for Jax, though. He deserved more than that.

Jax was out with Will; they had gone to see the newest horror movie. I hoped that would keep them out long enough so that Liv and I could finish getting things ready.

In a way, I was jealous that Jax was getting time with Will. Even though it had been a little over two weeks since our dinner at Liv’s, Will was still avoiding us. I had hoped that would help smooth things over, but he never came around anymore. Jax said he still left classes early and arrived just before they started and he wasn’t coming to lunch. Dread had become my constant companion. And guilt. And regret. I was a cocktail of fucked up and it was all because of Will.

Since homecoming, Jax’s opinion on Will and me had changed. I wasn’t sure exactly what had prompted the change; maybe he saw how happy Will made me, or maybe he saw how good Will and I had been together at the dance … well, before everything went to shit. But Jax told me if Will started coming around again, he would back off and let us figure things out.

“Ryanne, I just got a text from Will. They’re a few minutes away,” Liv said. Pain coursed through me knowing Will had texted Liv instead of me, but it was what it was. I couldn’t let it ruin Jax’s night.

The house was full of people, and I wasn’t sure where everyone was going to hide. “Guys, it’s time!” I yelled. Everyone disappeared as I turned the lights off.

A key moved in the door. “I can’t believe you screamed, dude,” Jax said after the door opened. “I knew you were a pussy, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” He laughed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Will said.

I flicked the light switch and everyone jumped out. “Surprise!”

Jax jumped backwards and his eyes widened. “Holy shit!”

“Happy birthday, little brother,” I said, pulling him in for a hug. “And happy first Halloween, Will. Let’s get this party started!” I exclaimed.

Music blasted and people started to dance as I went into the kitchen. Seeing Will had upset me. He didn’t look good. He was thinner than he had been last time and his eyes looked haunted. My heart hurt.

Jax followed me into the kitchen. “Thanks for doing this, Ry.”

“No problem. You know I love you.” I smiled.

“Love you too.” He pulled me into a brief hug. “Is Dad going to be here?”

“I don’t think so, but you never know.” I hated that I was put in this position. I shouldn’t have to tell my brother that his own father didn’t give a shit.

“Well, thank you anyway. It’s great.”

“Enjoy your party, little brother.”

He went back to the party and I finished picking up some garbage before going to the living room. I leaned against the wall to people watch. Most people were in costumes. Jax wasn’t dressed in a costume, obviously, but he wouldn’t have dressed up anyway. He always said he was too sexy to cover it up with a costume. He was dancing on the coffee table and pulled Will up with him. Will had changed into a costume—a pirate hat, white shirt with a pirate jacket over it and a plastic sword. Everyone around the coffee table cheered them on as they danced. My chest swelled with pride and ached at the same time. I was so proud of the man Jax was growing into. He was amazing. I smiled as I watched them dance.

Jax looked over at me, a devilish grin curled his lips. “Maybe if we ask really nicely, Ryanne will come and join us!” Jax yelled over the crowd. He motioned me over and I shook my head no. “Oh, come on, Ryanne, live a little!” I pushed away from the wall and tried to disappear into the kitchen, but Jax caught up to me. He pulled me toward the coffee table and shoved me up on it. “Give the people what they want, Ry! Let’s go!”

I stared at Will, awkwardly. He didn’t look happy, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me closer to him. I danced with Will and laughed as he stepped on my toes. He shrugged and stared at our feet, trying hard to not to step on me. He grabbed my hips, stopping my heart and my breathing at the same time, and smiled shyly.

He pulled me closer to him, and even though the room was crowded and loud, nothing else existed but Will. The people around us faded away. All I heard was my breath and the beat of my heart. One of his hands moved to my lower back, removing any space that was between us. I rested my head on his chest and felt the warmth of his arms and breathed him in, relaxing for the first time in weeks.

All too quickly, he pulled away from me and hopped off the table. He held his hand up for me and I took it, following him down. When he moved to take his hand from mine, I held it tighter. I needed to talk to him. I looked around the room for Jax and when I found him, he nodded once and tilted his head toward the stairs, effectively giving me permission. I smiled and pulled Will behind me, up the stairs to my bedroom. I closed the door behind us and turned to Will. His eyes were wide with panic, his hands were clenched to his sides and his body tight with tension, making him look like a caged animal.

“Will, we need to talk.”

“What do you want, Ry? I think you and Jax have made it pretty clear how you felt.”

I winced at the hurt and anger in his voice. “Please, let me explain.” I moved closer to him, but he stepped away. “Jax and I are both sorry about what happened that night. He’s changed his mind and he’s fine with us being together. And I want that, Will. So much.” I reached out to him, snagging his hand, and moved closer, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“I don’t need Jax’s approval about who to date.”

I sighed. “I know, but it’s complicated. I didn’t want to cause issues with Jax for either of us. Now that he’s okay, I thought we could give it a chance. See what is between us.”

“I don’t need you to pity me, Ry.”

“I don’t pity you. I care about you. A lot.”

He stared down at me, seemingly unmoved. I realized, in that moment, how much we had hurt him, how much
I
had hurt him. I figured if my words couldn’t help heal him, my actions would. I pressed up on my toes and brushed my lips softly over his, my lips tingling with the small contact.

I kissed him again, tenderly, pouring all my feelings into the kiss, hoping he would understand me.

I kissed him for every minute I had wanted to kiss him but refrained.

I kissed him for every moment of the last few weeks where he had been hurt because of my actions.

I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hand up his neck to the base of his skull, touching his hair as my tongue danced along his lip. He opened up and the kiss deepened, his soft lips responding to mine. His hands moved so they were on my body, one in my hair and one on my lower back as he pulled me to him.

I was lost in him completely.

My entire body was on fire. With every brush of his tongue, I felt myself being broken apart and put back together. I ran my fingers through his hair, holding him closer to me. His fingers brushed over the skin that was exposed on my back and I tingled with the contact. I hoped this kiss would ease his pain and repair the damage I had done to the both of us. I needed this kiss to ease my own pain.

Will pulled away and his eyes were full of pain and tears, telling me that he was still tormented.

“I can’t do this again, Ryanne,” he said, his voice cracking.

“I’m sorry, Will. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“This wouldn’t work. I’m too broken.”

“You aren’t broken—”

“I have to go.”

He turned and ran from the room. I ran after him, screaming his name, but he was down the stairs and out the front door before I could catch up to him. The pain from my heart shattering was unbearable. I rushed back to my room and slammed the door, pressing my back against it and slid down to the floor, sobbing as I came apart.

Will

I
LEANED
OVER
THE
SIN
k in the bathroom and heaved, my body covered in sweat and tears. I had vomited up everything, but my body kept trying to empty itself. I was empty of everything but pain.

God, everything was messed up.

I hadn’t wanted to go to the party, but Aunt Liv talked me into it. Jax seemed relieved when I asked him to hang out since I’d been avoiding him for so long. It was nice spending time with him again. It almost felt like it had before the dance.

Almost.

His words floated through my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget his anger at Ryanne for the kiss. I tried to enjoy being out of the house, but it was hard.

Everything was hard lately.

As I’d danced with Ry, I got caught up in the moment. All the things I’d felt at homecoming were coming back and I wanted to touch her, be close to her. I’d let myself get lost in the feel of her and before I knew it I was in her bedroom and she was kissing me. I’d wanted to pull her closer and closer until we were joined. She’d made me forget the guilt and the pain.

She’d made it okay.

I’d heard her sighs and felt her hands wrapped in my hair.

Feeling her…

Tasting her…

Smelling her…

It was almost better than the relief the blade brought me.

Almost
.

I’d pulled away from her, remembering how awful the last kiss had ended. Ryanne had tried to justify why she’d kissed me, but I couldn’t listen. My heart hurt too much already and I couldn’t face rejection again. I felt too much for her.

So I ran.

I ran from her.

I ran from the house.

I ran from Jax.

I ran from all the reminders that showed me everything I couldn’t have because of how broken I was.

My mind spun in circles, trying to make sense of my racing thoughts. The pain was unbearable. I paced the bathroom, shoving my hands through my hair. The pain from yanking at my hair provided a little relief, but I needed more. I needed pain and blood and the momentary peace brought on by the blade.

I picked up the razor and dragged it across my skin. When I saw the blood, my frantic heart slowed a bit. I hated that I relied on this, but I didn’t know how to stop. I made a few more cuts. The blood fell and swirled with the water before going down the drain and my mind cleared. I became numb.

When the blood stopped flowing, I cleaned and bandaged my arm, then went and laid down in bed, letting the darkness overtake me.

In school on Monday, Jax cornered me. My time for avoiding him was over.

“What’s the deal?”

“There is no deal.” I looked everywhere but at him.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not.”