The Fragile Fall (20 page)

“Will,” she said with so much authority that my eyes snapped up to hers. “Everything you just described isn’t who you are. Those are
actions
, not who Will Mathers is.”

“I still did them.”

“Yes, you did. And the outcome was regrettable, but that doesn’t make you an awful person.”

“If someone murders someone else, they are awful.”

“Are you a murderer?”

“Yes.”

“What makes you a murderer?”

“I made my friend drive drunk and then we were in an accident that killed my parents.”

“That seems like a stretch to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you want to harm your parents?”

“No.”

“Did you hate your parents?”

“No.”

“Did you go to that party, drink alcohol, and ask your drunk friend to drive you home in hopes of killing your parents?”

“No, of course not. I didn’t want them to die.”

“I think murder usually has some kind of intent to harm, don’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think to be a murderer you have to actually kill someone and actually want to kill them.”

“I
did
actually murder them though.”

“I think this is where the disconnect is, Will. You didn’t murder your parents. They were involved in an unfortunate and tragic
accident.
”

“That I caused.”

“You didn’t cause the accident. You didn’t make your friend drive in the car drunk. You didn’t make him pass out at the wheel. You didn’t intend for anyone to get hurt. It was an
accident
.”

“I
convinced
him to drive.”

“Why are you so ready to condemn yourself?”

“My parents would be alive right now if it weren’t for me.”

“If your parents were alive right now, what would you be doing?”

“I would be at home or at church. My mom would be homeschooling me. And after that party, I would have still lost all my friends because I saw who they really were, so I’d be alone.”

“So you’d be alone and living the same life you had been living that you admitted to disliking?”

“I guess so.”

“How is your life now? What have you been doing before you came to the hospital?”

“I have a group of friends. I hang out a lot with Jax and Ryanne and live with Aunt Liv. I go to regular school and I’m experiencing things.”

“Do you hate your life now?”

I thought for a moment, unsure how to answer. “No. I love having friends, and Jax and Ryanne are amazing. Aunt Liv has been wonderful. With the exception of the guilt and everything involved with my parents’ deaths, I would say I have a pretty good life.”

“Would your parents be happy for you?”

“I think so. I think they would be happy that I’m so happy.”

“This may make you uncomfortable, but I’m going to throw something out there and then we’ll be done for today, okay?” I nodded. “What if this is the life you were supposed to live right now? Your parents loved you, but you felt suffocated and alone. Now, you have the potential to live a life full of love, laughter, and
color
. All you need to do is forgive yourself and embrace it.”

My legs bounced at an insanely fast rate and I was picking open a scab on my arm from one of the older cuts. My anxiety had been too high to handle since my last session, so I was meeting with Dr. Thomas as soon as she came in. I was scared of what I’d do if this continued.

Dr. Thomas swept into the room and set down her things. She took one look at me and immediately sat down, shrugging out of her coat and throwing it on her desk as she moved. “Talk to me, Will. Tell me what has you so distressed.”

“I’m not a murderer.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“But I still caused my parents’ death.”

“You aren’t guilty, Will. It was an accident.”

“It was an accident,” I said, then nodded. I truly believed that now, but for some reason, that left me uneasy. I had been clinging so heavily to my guilt that I felt listless without it.

“Good, I’m glad you recognize that. What else is upsetting you?”

“I really want to cut.”

“Have you been using the ice?”

“I went through an entire ice bucket last night. I couldn’t even feel my arms anymore so I moved onto my legs and it isn’t working!” I shoved my hands through my hair and yanked on it. The pain from that helped, so I kept pulling.

“Will,” she said, her stern voice causing me to pause. “Stop.” She reached slowly over and untangled my hands from my hair. When she was sure I was okay, she went over to her desk and got a rubber band, then walked back over and handed it to me. “Try this. This might help more than the ice.”

I slipped the rubber band around my wrist and snapped it. The bite from it caused my heart to slow a little.

“That isn’t going to be a permanent solution, but we need to help you deal with the anxiety. You’re still very new into this process, so we have to find ways for you to deal with the urge to cut. Cutting has become your coping mechanism and right now, you are operating without that. Your anxiety will be heightened and you will feel more out of control until we can work more on this.”

I nodded as I snapped the rubber band again.

“You aren’t alone, Will. You aren’t in this alone. You have me to help you and guide you. Together, we will help you.”

Her words calmed me in ways the rubber band couldn’t.

I wasn’t alone.

I wasn’t alone.

One Week Later

“I see your wrist is healing nicely,” Dr. Thomas said, smiling at me.

My wrist had been swollen and red from snapping the rubber band. The first week of therapy had been intense, and I’d found myself anxious between sessions and overusing the rubber band, so Dr. Thomas had told me to stop using the rubber band and gave me a notebook and pen instead. She told me to write out my feelings and that, combined with the therapy, had been helping a lot. The urge to cut was slowly dwindling.

“I wanted to talk about your parents today.”

I shifted in my chair. “What about them?”

“You’ve made it clear that you were sheltered. Tell me more about that.”

“I wasn’t allowed to do anything. Ever. My parents had to approve my friends and I was only allowed to do certain activities.”

“Like what?”

“I was allowed two friends because their families went to our church.”

“Did that bother you?”

“No, not really. I thought Nick was a good friend. At least until the end.”

“How did you feel about everything having to center around the church?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t mind it. I liked church and the community, but it would have been nice to be able to expand my life a little more. I know my parents wanted what was best for me, but I felt like I was suffocating.”

“Explain that more. Why did you feel like you were suffocating?”

“I wasn’t allowed a cellphone. I was only allowed on the computer during school research projects and only if my mom was sitting next to me. I wasn’t allowed to pick music I liked or play video games. I wasn’t even allowed to ride a bike.” Anger swirled inside me. “Why wasn’t I allowed a bike? What could I possibly done that would be bad with a bike? When I was really little, there was a boy across the street who I was allowed to play with. My parents would sit outside and we would play. Then, the family switched churches and I was no longer allowed to play with him.”

“Why?”

“Because they didn’t go to my parents’ church. They didn’t fit the idea my parents had for me.”

“What idea did they have for you?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. They wanted me to be smart and involved in the church. They talked all the time about me being a minister. My mom geared all of my classes toward that goal.”

“How did you feel about that?”

“I hated it. I hated that I couldn’t pick anything for
myself
. I couldn’t pick what kinds of clothes to wear or what friends to have or what music to listen to.” The longer I talked, the more agitated I got and the louder my voice got. “I couldn’t even pick what career to have as an adult! Why? Did they think I was going to ruin my entire life? Was I that awful at decision making?”

“I don’t think you are bad at decision making.”

“Obviously I am! Because they are dead! They are dead because of my decisions!” Angry tears burned my eyes. “No, you know what? They aren’t dead because of my decisions. They are dead because of their own freaking decisions. If they wouldn’t have suffocated me, I wouldn’t have been at the party that night. If they would have let me pick my own friends and actually
live
, I wouldn’t have felt the need to lie and drink and fool around with a girl who didn’t care about me. I wanted to feel like I could make my own decisions. Like I could be grown up. I was
sick
of being treated like a child. So yeah, I made stupid decisions, but I feel like I was forced into it! I felt like they were breathing down my neck and I couldn’t even breathe without them being there telling me I was doing it wrong!”

“What are you feeling right now, Will?” Dr. Thomas’ voice was gentle.

“I’m angry! I’m angry at them for not letting me live and I’m angry at them for dying. I feel guilty that I’m happier without them here. What kind of son does that make me?”

“You are human. That’s what it makes you. Sometimes being human means making bad decisions and being wrong. Life is made in the screw ups, Will. Life is messy and hard and complicated, but also beautiful.”

“Does it make me awful that I’m glad I can live my own life?”

“No. You miss your parents and you love them and I’m sure you wish they were still alive, but at the same time, you are experiencing life without their strict rules and guidelines. It’s normal.”

“I do miss them. Every day. At the same time, if things hadn’t happened the way they did, I wouldn’t have met Jax and Ry. I wouldn’t be as close to Aunt Liv as I am.”

“It’s okay to be resentful, Will.”

“I’m not resentful.”

“Stop and get in touch with your feelings. Don’t answer right away, then tell me how you feel.”

After a few moments of silent contemplation, I finally answered. “I do resent them. I resent them for so much and at the same time, I’m thankful that they loved me as much as they did. Why am I always a mess of thoughts and feelings?”

“Most situations aren’t black and white. You can feel a million different emotions about one thing. And the next time the situation comes up, you can feel something completely different. Life is lived in the grey area.”

“I hate the way my parents raised me.”

“You’re allowed.”

“I feel like they set me up for failure.”

“When someone is sheltered and isolated as much as you were, that’s common. High anxiety and depression are common because you’ve been made to feel like the world is a scary place and that you aren’t able to handle life.”

“That’s true. I
am
scared. I have no confidence in myself.”

“You
formerly
had no confidence in yourself. The language you use when talking about yourself is powerful, Will. You’ve been showing incredible growth. You haven’t cut in over a week. You’re able to express your emotions and your thoughts, even if they are unpleasant. You are a survivor, Will. You have amazing strength.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all human and we all make mistakes, it’s part of life. You are trying, though. That’s all that matters.”