The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (22 page)

His mouth lifted and his lips played and nipped at mine lightly. “I love you so much, baby. I have to go.”

I nodded but pressed my mouth to his once more. He didn’t deny me and his arms tightened.

“Thanks for coming. I’ll miss you.”

He touched my face and kissed my cheek one last time before he stepped on the curb and started walking into the airport. I watched him for a few seconds before I called after him. “Ryan!” This was the only time he left me that he hadn’t said the words, and I needed them. He turned and looked back at me, stopping as he did so. “Don’t forget to remember me, right?”

He smiled sadly and shook his head. “Never.” He looked at the ground for a second, the muscle in his jaw flexing. He finally raised his eyes back to mine and I could see the tears shining there. “I love you.”

“Love
you
!” And with that he disappeared behind the doors, and I was left trembling and aching, the tears making it almost impossible to find my way back into the car. Other people going into the airport and the men checking bags were probably staring at my pathetic display. I didn’t care. I couldn’t help it even if I wanted to.

My hands gripped the steering wheel and I lowered my forehead to rest on them as tears began raining down uninhibited.
God, it hurts!
Finally my hand reached to put the car into gear and I brushed the tears off of my face in an attempt to get control.

Just breathe, Julia. Breathe; and, first thing tomorrow morning go talk to Meredith. That’s all you can do.

I tried to reason with myself and it helped to a degree. Being away from Ryan should be easier since I’d been doing it for 5 months, but now that we were lovers and had admitted our feelings for each other, I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and was on its way to Boston.

I scoffed at myself as I moved away from the terminal and merged into the moving traffic.

He IS my heart…so duh.

My phone had fallen out of my purse onto the passenger seat where it vibrated. I grabbed it with one hand, and quickly glanced down at the text on the screen.

You are my heart. The most beautiful and precious thing in my world. Don’t forget that.

I was still feeling fragile and so my eyes welled again and I longed to send him a message in return, but traffic was too bad to risk it.

He is so damn perfect.

~7~

Landed in Boston. Thanks for finally being mine. I love you with everything I am.

I smiled, glad that he was home safe but aching with loneliness for him already. I quickly typed out the obvious response.

Always was. You’re just aware of it now. :-)

It wasn’t long before he responded, and I quickly opened the message.

I’ll be dreaming of you tonight, love. As always.

Hmmm…what to say? I contemplated for a minute and then rolled onto my back and began pressing the keys.

Real Yummy—Adorably Naughty. Awake or asleep…you’re what my dreams are made of.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling as I lay on the couch in silence; the same couch where Ryan made such passionate love to me only hours earlier. I closed my eyes and put a hand up to my temple trying to push back the tears that threatened to overpower me.

I should be so damn happy. I have everything I’ve dreamed of now. I had Ryan and he loved me, so what was my problem?

I rolled onto my side and tried to swallow the rising lump in my throat. He was beautiful, brilliant, talented, and mine.
Mine
; something I thought would never happen. It was eight o’clock in the evening and pitch black outside. The lights were off in the apartment and I lay there with only the eerie silver-blue glow of the moon to cast dim shadows around the room.

Ellie’s arrival was heralded by the rattling of her key in the lock. She flipped on the entryway lights and threw her keys on the table under the mirror in the hall. Her bags made a loud thump as she dropped them on the floor.

“Julia?” she called.

I rubbed my eyes and tried to wipe away the smears of makeup that would undoubtedly be underneath them. “Yeah, Ellie. I’m here.” I sat up on the couch and turned toward her. “How was your Thanksgiving?”

Ellie was in the kitchen getting out a bottle of wine and pouring a glass. “It was nice, thank you. Would you like some?” she asked.

I was still feeling shaky and very tired. Wine sounded good. “Sure. Thanks.”

“Harris’ mom is sweet, but she cooks one dry damn turkey, let me tell you! He said next year it’s my turn to do the spread.” She finished pouring two glasses of wine, bringing mine into the living room. “Shit. Can you imagine? Me cooking?” she mocked; her rosy face was glowing as she sat next to me and pressed the glass into my hand. “So? Tell me, how was your weekend with Ryan?” She looked into my face for the first time and her eyes widened as she noticed my swollen eyes. “Julia, what’s wrong? You two didn’t argue, did you?”

I laughed and took a swallow from my glass. The wine was smooth and soothing as I shook my head. “No. Far from it, El.”

“Yeah. I could see it on Friday night. He told me that you talked about moving to the East Coast,” she said softly but with a gentle smile.

I was nervous about her reaction. “Yes, we did talk about it. I-I mean…” I struggled with how to position it to her, but she read my mind and reached for my hand.

“Honey, you don’t have to explain. I understand that you want to be with Ryan. He loves you so much, Julia.”

I nodded and looked down at our hands. The tears were threatening again. “Shit, I’m such a damn mess! Can you believe this? All I’ve done since he left is bawl my eyes out and I hate that fucking shit! You know that, right?” I laughed mockingly, even though tears slid down my face. “He’s amazing, Ellie. I thought I knew how incredible he was, but he’s even more to me now. I never thought I could love him more than I already did…but I just…
do
.”

Ellie set her wine down on the coffee table and curled her legs underneath her. “Tell me. I want to know everything. Absolutely everything!” she said with a grin. Her arm leaned over the back of the couch and she propped her head up on her fist, looking at me expectantly.

My heart filled as I recounted the weekend to her. “It was beautiful. Every second like a dream. Even if we didn’t do anything but lie around and talk! I want nothing more than to be with him, Ellie. It’s so…profound…it’s frightening. I can’t put it into words, but I swear I’d chuck it all to be with him.”

“I can see that. Friday night it was obvious how possessive he is; but then, it’s always been obvious to me.” She grinned as I leaned back against the soft cushions. “It’s about time the two of you finally admitted it! I’m sure Aaron and Jen will be happy to see Ryan in a better mood.”

“Hmmmph.” I let my breath out. “I’m not sure if he’ll be in a better mood or not, considering we’re both fully aware of what we’ve been missing now.” I wagged my eyebrows at her and she burst out laughing. I couldn’t help but join in.

“Like I said…tell me
everything
!”

Ellie listened intently as I told her about the weekend, drawing him in his sleep after his tender lovemaking, making dinner together, shopping and then the pain of our goodbye. When I got to that part, my eyes welled with fresh tears and I cursed myself.

“Am I a damn faucet or what? I feel so helpless.”

She reached for my hand and squeezed it again. “Honey, why don’t you fill up your glass and go take a hot bath. You’ll feel better.”

I nodded and pulled myself off of the couch. Ellie rose and hugged me. “I’m really happy for you. The rest of us used to make fun of you guys behind your backs. So much friggin’ sexual tension that it made us all horny for God’s sake!” She laughed in my ear.

I drew back and went to grab the wine bottle. “Why, Ellie Jensen! I’m surprised at you! A proper southern belle like you, using the word
horny
. Holy shit!”

“Aaron used to say just being around Ryan’s unrequited lust gave
him
a boner
. He was so hilarious!”

Aaron.
I rolled my eyes and grinned, walking down the hall to the bathroom.

My thoughts turned to how I was going to discuss this with my boss the following day. I loved my job. More than loved it and I would be sad if I had to give it up, but I’d do what I needed to do. Since my trip to Boston, I knew he loved me, but finally hearing it and the experience of being in his arms was more than I’d ever expected. I knew now how much I needed him…like food or air or water.

I started the water in the tub and sprinkled in a generous amount of bath salts before I started stripping out of my clothes.

Ellie knocked on the door. “Julia?”

I wrapped a towel around me and she handed me my phone. “I think you have a text from someone that you want to hear from.”

I smiled and raised an eyebrow at her.

“What? I can’t help it that it shows on the screen who it’s from. Who in the hell else would it be from anyway? Unless you’re holding out on me about Mike!” She left the room with a smile and I opened the message.

Are you naked yet?

I laughed out loud. Ryan’s sense of timing was incredible. I slid into the warm bubbles and shot a message right back.

Mmmm…Wouldn’t you like to know?

The water felt great. In combination with the wine and the sweet messages from Ryan, the night was looking up. He made me feel better even from clear across the country. I felt sleepy and a warm calm settled around me. A connection was all I needed. We continued our electronic conversation as I lounged in the bath, letting the warmth relax me.

I do know. Take a picture and send it to me. I miss touching you.

I miss you with me, next to me, inside me. And yes…I’m naked, Ryan.

Fuck, don’t do that to me. Please. What are you doing?

I laughed. He was begging for mercy and asking for more in the same text.

Can’t help it. If I tell you that you do the same to me, will it help?

It only makes the suffering unbearable…but I wouldn’t have it any other way. So…TELL ME what you’re doing. LOL

In the bath.

Mmmmmm. Wish I were there. Don’t forget about me. I’m the one who loves you.

I remember you, Matthews. Always.

You’re always on my mind and in my heart. It doesn’t hurt that you set my body on fire, either.

Now who’s killing whom? Love you and miss you madly. Why don’t you just call me, babe?

I want to, but I know we’ll be up all night and you need to be fresh tomorrow for your talk with Meredith. I love you, beautiful girl. Sleep well.

I didn’t. Not at all.

*****

“What the hell are you smiling at, Ryan? You look like an idiot!” Aaron boomed as he came slamming into the apartment. The neighbors would be knocking the door off the hinges in protest soon.

I was sitting on the couch, my bags still in the doorway and just finished texting Julia. My heart was aching the entire way back to Boston, but our seductive little exchange had changed my mood completely. Spelling out my name with words was only something Julia would do and my heart swelled with emotion. I was grinning from ear to ear as I shut my phone and set it on the coffee table, wincing at the time. 1:30 AM.