The Gambler (35 page)

The elevator doors closed and Noah felt the bottom of his world drop out—the sucking void threatening to swallow him whole. Did he run after her? Did he let her go?

You don’t deserve her,
the little voice in his head told him.
You don’t deserve to win her back. This was how it was always going to end.

Somehow he found himself back in their room. The bed was made. The used towels replaced. All evidence of her was gone.

It was as though the last few days—the absolute best days of his life—had never happened.

He wasn’t sure he could go on without her.

What the fuck did he do?

Part of him was devastated that she thought the worst of him. He wanted to be angry that she didn’t trust him, but how could he blame her? She was right. He’d never told her about quitting. How had she even found out? 

What did it matter?

She knew he’d kept something huge from her, so why
wouldn’t
she think he was cheating? The kicker was that he’d closed the deal. Scott jumped on board as soon as he listened to Noah’s spiel. Turned out the competition had flaked out anyway. Tiffany had ordered a room service lunch for her and Scott, and to celebrate, they’d opened a bottle of champagne. And then, much to Noah’s misfortune, Libby had arrived at the exact moment Scott was in the bathroom.

Would she have been this upset if she’d seen him? Maybe not, but he’d still kept the job situation from her.

The phone in his pocket vibrated and he pulled it out, praying it was Libby calling to tell him she’d changed her mind.

It was Tiffany.

“Noah, did you get the misunderstanding resolved?”

“No,” he said, his voice breaking.

“Would it help if I called her and explained?”

Would it? He shook his head even if she couldn’t see it. “No. I think it would make things worse.”

“I’m so sorry. I should never have called your room.”

He wanted to be angry with her, but he just couldn’t find the energy.

“Let me do something, Noah. Tell me what to do.”

“There’s nothing
to
do.”

“She probably just needs time to calm down. Then you can work it out.”

He wasn’t so sure that was possible. That look on her face . . .

“Well, congrats on the deal.”

“Thanks.” But now it was all for nothing. He’d mostly done it for Libby . . . and now she was gone. He knew he should be happy to have helped the business, but he couldn’t muster much emotion for that either.

He considered leaving—he’d found a flight to Seattle for that night—but what if she changed her mind and came back? So he didn’t leave the room for the rest of the night. He found her wedding dress in the closet, puddled on the floor. Hope rushed through him. She loved the dress. Maybe she’d come back for it.

He ordered room service in the evening and steadily drank all the bottles in the mini bar. By three a.m., he knew it was hopeless and passed out on the bed. When he awoke, she was the first thing on his mind. The wedding dress wasn’t next to him on the bed where he’d left it.

Had she come back?

He bolted upright and looked around the room, but the only thing he saw was the room service tray and half a dozen empty mini bottles of alcohol. The dress lay on the floor. He must have kicked it off in his sleep.

Libby was really gone.

He was back in Seattle by mid-afternoon and he headed straight to the office. Josh was sitting at his desk when Noah walked in.

Josh looked up in surprise, a grin spreading across his face. “What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you for at least a few days.” His gaze took in Noah’s rumpled clothes and his smile faded. “Why do you look like death warmed over?”

Noah ignored him and tossed a file on his desk. “The Abrahams deal. Signed, sealed, and delivered.”

Josh sat upright and his eyes widened as he opened the folder. “How’d you pull this off?”

“What the hell does it matter? It’s all there. The payment schedule is worked out in there too.”

Josh started thumbing through the papers. “So do you want to handle this here or in K.C.? Megan said Libby was moving here, but I figured I’d check.”

Noah shook his head. “I’m not handling it at all.”

Josh pushed back his chair and stood. “Wait. You just got this account. Why wouldn’t you want to handle it?”

“In case you forgot, I quit last week.”

“But the deal . . . ?” Josh sounded confused.

“I got it for you. I thought I’d bring it in as a peace offering to get my job back, but now I don’t give a fuck.” He turned around. “Congrats.”

“Noah!” Josh called out after him, his voice worried now. “You look like you’ve been on a three-day bender. What happened?”

Noah spun around, furious. “As if you and Megan haven’t been laughing about it.”

“What does
that
mean?”

“Look, Megan and Blair made no secret of the fact they don’t approve, so I’m sure they’re happy that Libby left me.”

Josh’s mouth dropped open and his eyes widened in shock. “
What? When?
What happened?”

“What does it matter? She came to her senses. Everyone’s happy.”

Josh shook his head. “That’s not true, Noah. What happened?” His face went as pale as skim milk. “Oh, God. Megan. She told Libby about you quitting. She was upset you hadn’t told her.”

His chest squeezed tight with her betrayal. “Megan hates me that much?”

“No, Noah. That’s not it at all. She was just worried you two got married so quickly.” He held up his hands in defense. “And yes, I reminded her that she and I were married a hell of a lot faster.”

Noah found it difficult to breathe.

“But if Libby left you, where is she?”

The answer was obvious. She would have gone to the only place she would feel completely safe. The thought that he’d hurt her so much brought a lump to his throat he found difficult to talk past. “She went home to Tortoise.”

Josh blinked in confusion before recognition registered in his eyes. “Oh . . . her dog.”

He nodded, then turned to leave.

“Noah,” Josh called out in alarm. “Stop.”

He stopped in Josh’s doorway. Their receptionist’s worried glance reminded him that he looked like a mess. He’d slept in his clothes from the day before—the smell of Libby was still faintly in the weave of shirt, and he couldn’t bear to change. That was the last part he had of her and once it was gone, she would be lost to him forever. The thought brought him close to a breakdown, but he didn’t even care. Let them think the worst . . . they probably already did.

Josh grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the room, shutting the door behind them. He pushed Noah into a chair and then sat on the edge of his desk. “Noah, you have to go after her.”

His brother’s words broke down his last layer of control and his chest heaved as he struggled to keep it together. “She hates me.” He heaved out a shortened version of the story, then said, “I tried to tell her nothing happened between Tiffany and me, but she refused to believe me.” A sob rented from his chest. “I deserve it. After everything I’ve done, all the people I’ve hurt, I deserve every bit of it.” He looked up at Josh with tear-filled eyes. “She’s the one good thing in my life and I hurt her so badly. I don’t deserve
her.
”

Josh leaned toward him. “No, Noah. That’s not true. You deserve every bit of happiness and more.”

Noah gritted his teeth as tears spilled from his eyes. “If you knew everything I’ve done, you wouldn’t be saying that.”

“The women?” Josh shook his head. “They were all consenting adults who knew what they were getting into. You never lied or led them on, Noah. I know you well enough to know that.”

Noah released a harsh laugh. “No, not the women.”

Josh was silent for a moment. “Are you talking about Dad?”

Noah’s eyes swung up to meet his brother’s as his heartbeat ratcheted up enough for him to hear it.

“I know you and Dad didn’t get along. I know I was his favorite. It made me uncomfortable that he gave me more attention than you, but you had Mom.”

Guilt clawed at Noah’s chest and some feral part of him decided it was finally time Josh knew the truth. Noah needed his brother to hate him as much as he hated himself. “I killed Dad.”

Josh stared at him like he was trying to sell him property on Mars. “Dad died of a heart attack here in the office while you were at school over a hundred miles away. You did
not
kill Dad.”

He shook his head, nearly choking on the bitterness in his heart. “I may not have been here, but I killed him anyway.”

“What in the world are you talking ab—” Recognition filled his eyes. “Dad never called you.”

Now it was Noah’s turn to be confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Dad told me about his visit to you at school. He was really upset that you were buying drugs for your ADD and he thought you were dealing too. He told me he’d changed his mind about making you partner and he wanted to give the whole business to me.”

“
You
knew? You knew he told me I was no longer his son?”

“He told you that?” Josh reached forward and grabbed his shoulder. “No. He never told me that part. Only that he’d discovered the truth.
Oh God
, Noah. I had no idea . . . otherwise I would have told you what happened when he came to me.”

“What are you talking about?” Noah choked out, pulling away from Josh’s comfort.

“Mom had already laid into him by then. I think he hoped I’d take his side, but Mom and I both told him off for guilt-tripping you about taking medication for a documented medical condition. Would he deny insulin to a diabetic? Mom told Dad he’d forced you into it.” Josh’s voice broke. “And I made sure he knew I didn’t want this business without you. It was the McMillan Brothers or nothing at all. I think he realized then what he’d done. He said he was going to call you and apologize. The morning he died, he told me that he had. He said he’d called and told you he was sorry and he’d taken it all back.”

Noah shook his head. “I had a voice mail . . . I discovered it after I found out he died.” His voice cracked. “I heard his voice and I deleted it. I couldn’t bear to hear him berate me from the grave.”

Josh took a deep breath, tears in his eyes. “Noah, he swore to me he apologized. He must have done it in the voice mail.”

Pressure built in Noah’s chest.

“If anyone is responsible for his death, it’s him. He didn’t exercise or take care of himself. Maybe when he realized how much he’d hurt you, his grief pushed him over the edge.”

Noah leaned forward, covering his face with his hands. Could that be true?

Josh put his hand on Noah’s back. “He said he was going to call you and apologize, and that was a full day before his death. I guess I got so caught up in my own shock and grief that I never thought to ask you if he had. Plus you never mentioned it, so I . . . I guess I thought it was resolved. And I didn’t want him to hurt you any more than he already had.”

It was all too much. Libby. His father. He jumped to his feet, intending to run far, far away—where didn’t matter—but Josh stood and pulled him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Noah. I see things a lot more clearly now and I’m sorry I’ve been such a prick. You really came through with this Abrahams account, even after I treated you like shit. For what it’s worth, your job would have been waiting for you whether you brought in the account or not.”

Noah pulled free and shook his head. “I don’t know what I want anymore. The one thing I wanted most in the world is gone.”

Josh grabbed his shoulders, his fingers digging deep. “She’s not gone. You just have to fight for her.”

“I still think she’s better off without me.” He turned around and opened the office door.

“You two are perfect for each other,” Josh said, his voice tight.

Noah turned to face him in disbelief.

“I saw it the night of my wedding. I know Libby was with Mitch, but she never looked as happy with him as she did when she was with you. Megan and Blair didn’t get it, and honestly, I never tried to explain it to them because I figured they’d amp up their campaign to warn Libby off you. But I could see you were meant to be. The day you told me she was engaged, I think you might have misunderstood my response. When I told you to examine your own life, I meant it was time for you to realize you loved her. I worried if I told you straight out, you’d resist it. So I kept my mouth shut. I’m sorry for that.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “God, I’m sorry for a lot of things, Noah.” His voice cracked when he spoke again. “Can you forgive me?”

Noah stared at him dumbfounded. He had no idea Josh was willing to give up the business if he wasn’t included. He’d spent the majority of his life feeling like he was failing his brother; it never occurred to Noah that Josh felt the same way.

Josh pulled him into a bear hug. “I love you, Noah. You think you don’t deserve happiness, but you are
so
wrong. And besides, did you ever consider that Libby is probably telling herself the same thing? That
you
are the happiness she doesn’t think
she
deserves?”

Noah broke free, panic welling in his chest and making it difficult to breathe. He wanted to be that man for her, but he’d screwed up after less than twenty-four hours of marriage. A zebra couldn’t change its stripes. What made him think he could be any different? “No. I’ll only hurt her in the end. More than I already have, and I can’t live with that.”

He jerked the door open and strode though the office toward the exit.

“Noah! Where are you going?”

He had no idea. He found comfort that he and Josh were mending their relationship, but in less than two weeks, Josh would be gone. Libby had Tortoise to run to, but now that Libby was gone, he had absolutely nothing.