The Game Series (38 page)

“And that’s why you can’t tell anyone,” I insist. “No one. Not even Ryan.”

“And Braden really doesn’t know?”

I snort. “Do you think we’d be secret if Braden knew? Braden would flatten the house with his anger.”

“Why? You’re both his best friends. Y’know what? I don’t damn well understand him.”

“Because I’m like his sister and Aston is a playboy incapable of feeling anything than what’s inside his pants. At least that’s the case in his mind.”

Lila sits back on the bed, letting out a long breath. “But you know Braden
will
find out, right? Sooner or later, Megs. He will know.”

“I know. I just hope it’s later.”

“Why not? Why not get it over and done with?”

Because I’m a chicken. I’m a wimp. Because I know I’ve fucked up majorly and I can’t bring myself to admit it. And finally …

“Because I’m gonna need a freakin’ good excuse as to why we’ve kept it quiet for so long.”

Gramps’ house has never looked more daunting. The house I really grew up in and the only home I’ve ever known is now one of the scariest places I’ll ever have to face.

Inside this happy place is a box full of demons ready to be unleashed on the world, and that’s something I can’t think about. I can’t think over whether or not it’s a good idea for me to be here. I can’t decide if this is the right decision for me right here, right now.

I just know this conversation has to happen. I can’t stay locked in my past but I’ll never be able to move on if Gramps can’t. I won’t be able to get past it if it’s my own damn ignorance keeping him locked in place.

“What you doin’ here in the middle of the week?” Gramps grumbles as I push the door open and walk into the house.

“Come to talk to you,” I reply, dropping onto the sofa next to him.

He drags on his cigar, the smoke swirling, and pierces me with his eyes. “You’ve been sittin’ out there in that pretty boy car for long enough. Whatchu wanna talk about?”

I take a deep breath and look away, knowing that the next word will change everything. “Mom.”

He doesn’t say anything. He exhales, blowing out smoke, and I see him shift slightly. “Thought you didn’t care about her.”

“Maybe I want to know, now. Maybe I’m ready to listen to what you have to say.” I turn my face back to him slowly. “Maybe it’s time we were both honest about the shit inside our heads, Gramps.”

“Megan’s a good one, for sure. She made you come here didn’t she?”

I shake my head. “She made me realize I can’t live in the past forever but she didn’t make me do anything. I came here on my own.”

“She knows you’re here?”

“No.”

Gramps shifts again and sits back, leaving his cigar to rest on the ashtray. His elbows rest on the arms of the chair and he links his fingers in front of him. “What do you want to know?”

I tuck my hands under my legs the way I used to when I was a little boy and he was about to start a lesson or read me a story. In many ways the conversation we’re about to have is both. The naked truth of the story and a lesson in that truth.

“Whatever you have to tell me. Whatever you think I should know.”

“The first thing you need to know is that your mom wasn’t always the person you knew. Until she was sixteen she was the perfect daughter. A first grade student, polite, friendly … I couldn’t have asked for a better baby girl. She was the kinda girl that would bake you sugar-free cookies if you told her you couldn’t have sugar. Then she hit junior year and got mixed with the wrong people.

“Now that ain’t no excuse for what she did, but they were a big influence on her. I know I can’t blame them – she made the choices she did. They weren’t forced upon her. There’s no excusing the life she created for herself – or for you.

“The day she came home and said she was pregnant was a crazy day. Me and your Gran, we had a mix of emotions. We were gonna have us a lil’ grandbaby, but it was at the cost of
our
baby. She was only just seventeen, and we’d never imagined a weekend at her friend’s would have ended up that way. Still, we tried to help her any way we could.”

“When did you know …? About the drugs?”

“About five months in. Your Gran went with her to the scan, and you were this tiny little thing on screen. You were small the whole pregnancy. Your mom’s doctor knew from blood tests she’d done them but she swore she stopped. Eventually, the doc managed to get out of her she was still doing them, and so started the program to wean her off while you were still inside her, to minimize the damage she could be causing you.”

“But they couldn’t see that on the scans?”

Gramps shakes his head. “No, boy. Physically you were fine. Small but fine. Mentally? They wouldn’t know exactly how the drugs would affect you until you were older, speaking and moving and all that.”

“So you tried to stop her?”

“Course we did. She was still under eighteen so we limited the time she spent out without either of us. Somehow she still managed to get the darn drugs. She slipped them by us. The day you were born five weeks early, this tiny little four pound baby that was as long as my damn arm, was the second best day of my life. Don’t you doubt that. I remember lookin’ at your Gran and sayin’ to her, ‘May, this boy here is
my
boy. When he’s big, we’ll go on them fishing trips I love, and I’ll teach him about a real football team, then I’ll teach him how to treat his lady right.’” Gramps pauses for a second, swiping at his eyes, and I swallow. “I promised there and then I’d never let anythin’ happen to you, but I did.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Gramps.”

“I should have taken you there and then!” He bangs his fist against the arm of his chair. “I never shoulda let her have full custody of you, but I thought she was better. I thought my baby girl was coming back.” Tears stream down his cheeks, and I slip off the sofa and kneel in front of him. “I thought you’d be fine. Even when she took you away and moved out when you were almost two, I thought you’d be fine. You always seemed fine. We saw you every other weekend until you were four. Then your Gram died of her stroke and I was alone. I forgot everything except the fact I’d lost my wife, my best friend, my soul mate. I forgot you.”

“You never forgot me, Gramps. You were always there, even when you weren’t.”

“Anyway. Two years later the police turn up, tell me they’ve identified a dead body as my daughter, and there’s a six year old boy that needs a home or he’ll get put into care. No way was I letting my boy get abused by the system. I’d failed my baby girl. I wasn’t about to fail you any more than I already had.”

“You didn’t fail me.” I touch his arm and he looks up at me, his gray eyes watery. I bite back my own tears. “You didn’t, Gramps. You saved me – you taught me how to live. You took me on those fishing trips, taught me about football, and taught me how to treat my girl right. You took the shit my life was and turned it into something entirely different. You didn’t fail me, not for a second.”

“I should have–”

“You never raised a fist to me. You never whipped my back with a belt. You never kicked my stomach until I vomited. You never smacked my head against the corner of a kitchen table.” My whole body shakes as the images flash in quick succession through my mind. Different men, different days, different times. Different ways of beating me, all leaving the same scars. “You. Didn’t. Do. That. You didn’t even know. But she did. She knew. She lied to the hospital, CPS, everyone – it was always blamed on me. You didn’t know. You couldn’t stop what you didn’t know about.”

“Doesn’t stop the guilt, son.”

“Then remember what you
did
do.” My gray eyes meet his properly. “Remember what you did teach me. I’m the person I am because of you.” I pause, knowing the next words about to fall off my tongue are the total truth, and I’m saying them to myself as much as I am him. “You showed me Darcy and Elizabeth, you introduced me to his arrogance. Until recently, I was Darcy. I didn’t give a shit about anyone other than myself. Then there was Megan. Without you showing me Darcy, I never would have thought she could have been anything more than one night. You showed me how Darcy loved Elizabeth and because of that you taught me how to love. You taught me how to love Megan the way Darcy loved Elizabeth. You did that. No one else. Just you.”

Gramps reaches forward and hugs me, his body shaking as he cries into my shoulder. This is what I’ve denied him because I was so caught up in my own fucking pain. My best friend – everything he kept inside to keep me happy. I hug him tighter, letting my own tear fall from my eye.

“Know something, boy?” he mumbles, sitting back and composing himself.

“What, Gramps?”

“Your Gran would be damn proud of the man you’ve become.”

And I believe him.

For the first time, I truly believe she would be.

~

Megan is sitting with her back against a tree trunk, her hair swept to one side and showing the smooth, tanned skin on one side of her neck. Her legs are bent making her jeans look tighter than they are normally, and as she wraps her arms around her waist, I want to be the one doing it. I want my arms around her waist, her back against my chest, and her head resting on my shoulder while I lean the side of my face against her bare neck.

Instead I’m lying on my side trying not to look at her. Trying to ignore her. Trying to pretend I need anything other than to hold her in my arms until the next ice age and we freeze there together.

“You’re telling me the Chargers are on better form than the Cowboys?” Braden shakes his head. “Fuck off are they! Romo is playing his ass off this season.”

Lila opens her mouth. “It’s a–”

Ryan slaps his hand over it. “Don’t. Say. It.”

“Game,” Megan finishes for her. “A game, boys. It is
a game
. I know you’re in love with your boys, and Bray, if you were gay you’d be after Romo’s supposedly shit hot ass, but it is just a game. And he’s playing shit, for what it’s worth.”

“What is it?” I smirk at her. “I don’t think I quite got that.”

“Do I need to spell it for you? What, did you not get master hearing with your smart-ass GPA?” She raises her eyebrows. “‘Cause that’s gotta cause you some problems.”

“I’m pretty sure my hearing is going because of the amount of times I’ve had a girl screaming in my ear.”

Braden snorts, and Maddie slaps his thigh. “Don’t encourage him!”

“I was just … Never mind.” He hides his smirk.

“You know screaming is relative, right?” She runs the pad of her thumb across her bottom lip. “It doesn’t necessarily mean they were having a good time. I mean, don’t girls usually scream in horror movies?”

Lila’s shoulders shake as she laughs silently, and Maddie bites her lip. I watch Megan steadily, taking in the spark in her blue eyes and the gentle curve of her lips that only grows as I keep watching her. My own lips twitch, and I jump up.

“Watch your smart mouth, Megan,” I warn her. “My last offer is still open.”

My mouth drops open, not from what he said, but because he threw it out so carelessly in front of the others – especially Braden.

Aston grins and winks at me. He turns, stretching his arms over his head as he walks in the direction of the house. I watch him go, struck into silence, and ignore Lila’s gaze burning into the side of my head.

“His last offer?” Braden says tightly, his eyes resting on me.

“He offered to teach me the difference between a slapped ass and a spanked one,” I mutter. “He’s a prick.”

“Caveman. Rein it in,” Maddie orders, tapping his cheek and standing up.

“In,” he mutters in response.

“Good. Keep it that way.” She kisses his cheek, and Ryan and Lila stand.

“I’ll see you after class, Megs.” Lila looks at me pointedly, and I nod. Yep. I’m so in for tonight.

We sit in silence as the others disappear, and I stare into the distance. It’s the first time I’ve been alone with Braden since me and Aston got together, and for the first time in my life it feels like there’s a gaping hole between us.

I know I put it there.

I also know I have to tell him. I could do it now. Without Aston here. Where there are other people around.

I open my mouth to speak, explain it, but he beats me to it.

“Where have you been lately?”

“Huh?” I look at him. “I’ve been here, at college.”

“Oh, ha ha. Very fucking funny,” he says dryly, throwing a blade of grass at me. “No, I mean, like, SF. I thought you would have come with us.”

I shrug a shoulder. “I just didn’t feel like it. I had some work to catch up on too. Papers and stuff.”

He nods. “Kyle said you dropped by Sunday morning to get one of your books.”

“Yep. You had my Shakespeare book. Again.”

“I will always have your Shakespeare book. I don’t know how to complete a paper without your scribbled on books.” He grins at me, flicking his hair away from his eyes.

“You need a hair cut,” I point out. “And I know. Ever since eighth grade you’ve copied my crap. I have no idea why I let you do it.”

“It’s because I’m fucking brilliant, and you love me.”

“And you still have the worst potty mouth of everyone I know.”

He grins again. “It’s why you love me, Megs. I’m the big brother you never had.”

“I think you’re the
reason
I never had a big brother,” I reply dryly, smirking. “Mom saw you dragging me into the mud to make mud pies and climbing trees, and decided an adopted son was more than enough.”

“I dragged you?” He laughs. “You dragged me more times than I did you!”

Okay. So he might have a point there. “Let’s face it, we were always gonna be trouble.”

He clears his throat. “I’m not trouble.”

“The cat, Braden. The cat.”

“That wasn’t trouble. That was me attempting to be a gentleman.”

I smile, amused. “I’m not sure your mom thinks of it that way, even now.”

“No, I explained it to her,” he insists. “I told her it made me a gentleman for trying to give my favorite girl in the world what she wanted.” I kick his foot playfully.

“Does Maddie know this?” I tease.

“Meggy.” He looks at me seriously. “I love Maddie, but you’re my best friend. You always have been and the only person that means more to me than Maddie is you. I love you in different ways, and Maddie knows she’ll never be you, but she gets that. Besides, you can be my favorite in a different way.”

I laugh and kick him again, shaking my head. “Is sex really all you ever think about?”

He pauses for a second, chewing his lip. “No. I just thought about food.”

“Food and sex?”

“Xbox.”

“Beer?”

“And that is why you’re my best friend.” He winks. “You get me.”

“Someone has to understand you, Bray.”

“Is Lila still sending you on those dates?”

I shake my head. “I told her after the last one, no more.”

“Were they jackasses?”

“No, I just wasn’t interested in any of them. I’m capable of picking my own love interests, you know.”

“Shouldn’t have any damn interests,” he grumbles.

I clear my throat. “Remember our conversation about this? Do we need to go to caveman-speak? Megan, big girl. Take care of self. Braden watch and shut up.”

Braden chuckles. “Does that mean no black eyes for anyone who sleeps with you?”

You owe your best friend a few.
“No. No black eyes, no warnings, no demands of leaving me alone, and most definitely no caveman antics.”

“I think all of those qualify as caveman antics as far as Maddie is concerned.”

“I know. I was just spelling it out for you.” I shrug.

“Gee, thanks a fuckin’ lot.” He shakes his head, standing up. I put my hand in his outstretched one, and he pulls me up. He starts to walk backwards toward the house. “I have to get to class. Get some last minute caveman antics in before anyone finds out.”

“Braden Carter!” I call after his retreating body. “Don’t you freakin’ dare!”

He stops at the door, grins, and disappears inside. I shake my head, detouring around the house and taking the route away from the campus toward the bay.

Yet again I failed to tell him about me and Aston. A few words is all it would take, but the longer we hide it the harder it is to find the words. The harder it is be honest.

Lying. I hate it – I hate lying to everyone about everything, because I don’t want to hide us. I don’t want to hide the way I feel about Aston. I don’t want to hide him. I just don’t want to hurt anyone and I know it will hurt Braden.

But the longer I keep it secret the more it will hurt him.

The breeze from the water drifts over me, chilling me, and I tug my sweater around my body tighter. My hair flies into my face and I push it away in vain.

Games. They’re all good until someone gets hurt. Braden and Maddie’s games were all good until they got hurt and both acted irrationally – him by walking away and her by running. Mine and Aston’s games are all good until it gets out, which it will.

The truth always comes out.

I could walk away now. I could speak to Aston and tell him it’s done, I can’t do it anymore, but I’d still be lying then. I’d be lying because I can, because it’s not done.

Lies. They’re easy to keep track of until they begin spiraling and you begin spinning a web of them, too easy to get caught up in. Lies are all good until you look at who you’re lying to.

The question is, is it better or worse to lie to yourself over your best friend?

~

“That was awkward today,” Lila comments as she enters the room.

I look up from my book. “Welcome to my world.”

“A world you created.”

“Your tact amazes me,” I say dryly. “Really, Li, just remind me. It doesn’t play on my mind or anything. Nope, I’m totally oblivious to it.”

“I don’t get why you don’t just admit it.”

“No one asked?” I try, shrugging. I sigh. I don’t know either. “I wish I knew, I really do. It’s not as simple as it looks from the outside. You see it as a simple secret, something hidden for a simple reason. Simple. And it’s not. It’s not just boy meets girl and they fall in love. Its boy meets girl and all hell breaks loose, in his head and in reality.”

“So you’re telling me that Aston’s head is stopping you being honest?” She raises an eyebrow in disbelief. I shut my book and put it on my bed next to me.

“You don’t know him. You think you do – you all think you do, but you don’t. To you he’s just a girl-using, thinks-with-his-dick asshole to be avoided by anyone with any sense. I know different. I know he’s not what he seems, and I know that what he seems is nothing more than an act to hide who he really is.”

“Okay.” She settles on the bed. “I don’t know either way, so let’s go with what you said. When does your pretending become reality? When does your act end, Megs?”

I sigh and lean back against the wall. “I have no idea. I tried to tell Braden earlier – no, I did. Maybe not hard enough, but I tried. The words just wouldn’t come. I keep thinking about how he’ll look when he finds out I’ve lied to him.”

“Doesn’t matter when he finds out. He isn’t gonna look any happier if he finds out today or next year.”

“I just don’t know how much longer I can hide it. It makes everything so hard. I need to help Aston, Lila, but having everything secret means I can’t always be there and that hurts,” I finish quietly. “I can see when he needs me and it hurts so damn bad.”

She shrugs. “I know now. I can help. Keep everyone away from here or make excuses for you, back you up.”

“I swear you were just telling me I needed to tell Braden.”

“And you do.” She sighs. “But it’s clear you won’t – or
can’t
,” she corrects at my annoyed look, “so I might as well help you. God help me because I
will
be killed when this all comes out, but at least I can feel like I’m keeping this secret for a reason.”

“You don’t have to do anything. I got myself into this mess. I just need to figure out how to help Aston, and then maybe everything else will just … Fall into place.” I run my fingers through my hair, sighing deeply. “Maybe. Hopefully.”

“Until everything falls into place, I’ll help you. I’ll make it so you can talk to Aston. I don’t see it myself, I’m not gonna lie. But you care about him, and I care about you, so whatever.”

I look at her for a second, taking in her honest expression, and smile slightly. “You’re the best friend.”

“Or the stupidest, when Braden finds out,” she mutters and heads toward the bedroom.

“Li?” I ask. “You’re not gonna tell him, are you?”

She stops at the bathroom door and looks at me over her shoulder. “I may not agree with you keeping it quiet, and I may not like the fact I know, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna tell him, Megs. I don’t like your decision, but I respect it.”

“Thank you.”

“Besides,” she continues. “If I tell him he’ll kick
my
ass, and I’m the innocent one.”

“There I was thinking you were doing it out the goodness of your heart!”

“No way.” She grins. “I’m protecting my ass – and you make sure Aston knows about this so I can call in a favor in the future.” She winks. I laugh, reaching for my phone.

Lila knows,
I send to Aston.

What the fuck? How?

She guessed. It’s not a total lie …

And?

And nothing. She’s not gonna say anything. She’ll cover for us.

I don’t like this, Megs.

Neither do I, but it’s either she covers or we tell Braden.

Let’s stick with Lila for now.

We need to talk.

About?

You.

~

I sink into Aston’s arms, sliding my hands under his shirt and flattening them against his back. His lips come down on mine firmly, and he sucks my bottom lip between his.

“What’s Lila doing?” he murmurs.

“Lila took the others to crazy golf.” I shrug, looking up at him. “Don’t ask me. She kicked up a fuss to Ryan.”

“Lila hates crazy golf. In fact, she hates any kind of sport.”

“I know.” I shrug again. “She said you owe her.”

“Figures.” He sighs and runs his fingers through my hair to the ends, kissing the end of my nose. “So tell me. What do we really need to talk about? ‘You’ isn’t exactly informative.”

I tug him toward the bed, and he sits down against the wall. My knees sit either side of him as I straddle him and lock my hands behind his neck. His hands rest on my bed, his fingers drawing tiny circles against my skin.

“You. Everything. There’s more, Aston. I know there is.”

His stomach tenses. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything,” I whisper. “Everything that’s left. However long it takes, however much it hurts … I’m here.”

His chest heaves as he takes a deep breath, and his eyes fill with apprehension. Fear sparks in them. I’ve never thought of him as being scared of his past, of what he hasn’t let himself think about, but he is. He’s petrified.

“There isn’t much left to tell, not about when I was a kid. It was the same thing over and over. Mom would sell herself for money, spend a minimal amount of it on food and bills if she could be bothered, and the rest on drugs and alcohol. She’d meet a guy, he’d watch me while she ‘worked’, and I’d usually get a bruise to add to my collection for something or another. Social Services would visit, the guy would leave, and she’d meet someone else, every other night going out and fucking some poor rich guy so she could keep putting the same old shit into her veins. That was it for six years. I’m glad I can only remember two years of it, even if they were the worst years.”