The Garden of Unearthly Delights (33 page)

‘That
was my idea.’

‘How
could it have been your idea? I shot you dead inside Sir John’s
Hidden
Tower
. In this very room, in fact.

‘Inside
the Hidden Tower, yes. It was a
Hidden Tower,
it’s
location known to no-one but Sir John and his cronies. In your books you never
mentioned where it was. It could have been anywhere. So once you had been
thrown out of it, you didn’t know where you were, did you?’

‘Still
don’t,’ said Maxwell. ‘It was somewhere in the red world.’

‘The
point was, that as soon as you were outside the tower, whatever influence you
had over Sir John and myself ended. He was born of your imagination, I of your
paranoia. We were both alive. And I was no longer dead once you were outside.’

‘This
doesn’t explain how I got projected into the future.’

‘I told
you. I did that. I couldn’t escape from the tower with you hanging around
outside. I wasn’t certain what you’d be capable of doing. But I didn’t dare
kill you either, in case I simply ceased to exist once you were dead. So I cast
a spell to send you off to where you could do me no harm. Into the far future.
I wasn’t expecting to live for as long as I have.’

‘And
how come you have lived so long and not aged like Sir John?’

‘You
really do want
everything
explained, don’t you?’

‘Not
just
me,’
said Maxwell. ‘But go on.’

‘Oh,
all right. There was a bit of a punch-up in the
Hidden
Tower
, I escaped
shortly after having dispatched you into the future. I remained in the red
world, perfecting my skills in magic. Sir John Rimmer left the red world, came
here and founded the University.

‘I had
an apprentice. MacGuffin. We worked together on a magical project the like of
which had never been attempted before: the creation of two perfect beings.’

‘Aodhamm
and Ewavett.’

‘Exactly.
You fathomed out the meaning of the names of course.’

‘Of
course,’ said Maxwell. ‘From a world without electricity. Remove
Ohm
from
Aodhamm and
Watt
from Ewavett. You have Adam and Eve, of course.’

‘Of
course. We succeeded in our quest. But I had underestimated MacGuffin. He was
powerful in spells and hungry to possess Ewavett and Aodhamm for his own
purposes. A magical battle ensued. I flung magic at him and he at me. I
succeeded in putting a ring through his nose and confining him to his village.
He cannot pass beyond the circle of columns. However, he lofted me on a chair
and threw me across the world. I held hard to Ewavett, but lost all my magic
passing through the grid.’

‘Who
put the grid up? Sir John?’

‘No,
the grid is a natural barrier between the worlds.’

‘So how
did you beat Sir John? And why is he old and you still young?’

‘Sir John
had turned his back on magic. He sought natural knowledge. He perfected
Percussive Perlocution. It took me a long time to find him, but when I did I
threw myself at his feet, told him I was a reformed character.’

‘And he
trusted you.’

‘I’m
afraid he did. I learned the art of P.P., tuned into the frequency of magic and
knocked it into my own head. I caught Sir John unawares one night and … ZAP!’

‘So
magic keeps you young?’

‘That’s
it. And that’s about everything really. So it’s lever-pulling time, I think.’

‘Oh,
not yet. Not yet.’

‘There’s
nothing more to tell,’ said the count.

‘There’s
a bit,’ said Maxwell. ‘like the matter of your digital watch and the hologram
machine. How did you acquire such technology?’

‘No
technology involved. Only magic. Within the watch two small demons count
minutes at my command. The hologram machine contains a captured sylph. The
receptionist is a projection of her personality, an astral double. Anything
else I can help you with?’

‘Could
you scratch my head for me, I can’t reach.’ The count gave Maxwell’s head a
scratch. ‘Well?’ he said.

‘Hm, I
think I’ve run out.’

The
count reached for the lever.

‘Oh,
I’ve thought of one more. Where
is
Ewavett?’

‘I told
you the truth there. She is stored in the basement. She’s in a very fragile
condition now. She pines for Aodhamm. I intend to reunite them
very
soon.’

‘How?’
Maxwell asked, grateful for the opportunity to get one more question in.

‘I am
going to blast MacGuffin out of existence. I cannot take my magic through the
grid. But I have a surprise for him. On the roof above is an airship
—steam-powered, fully piloted, ready to fly. You were lucky to catch me,
Maxwell. I was just going off on my holidays.’

‘To the
village
of
MacGuffin
?’

‘Correct.
I shall bomb MacGuffin from high above.’

‘Won’t
Aodhamm come to harm?’

‘No,
Maxwell, he won’t. Now I am utterly sick and tired of answering your questions.
It is time to pull the lever.’

‘If you
kill me, you will cease to exist.’

‘No,
Maxwell, my existence is no longer tied to yours.

‘I wouldn’t
take the risk if I were you.’

Count
Waldeck’s hand was on the lever. ‘Maxwell,’ he said, ‘let me explain something
to you. I control this world. But this is not enough. Soon I shall have control
over the world of the red sun also. Then the next world and the next.
Ultimately all will be mine. My playground, Maxwell. My garden of unearthly
delights. A new
Eden
for
Aodhamm and Ewavett to populate.’

‘With
you as God?’

‘That’s
about the shape of it.’

‘You
are an evil bastard, Waldeck.’

‘I
know. And unless you can think of one really good reason for me not to snuff
you out, I’m afraid it’s goodbye to you.’

‘Er—’

A big
knock came at the door.

‘The
cavalry,’ cried Maxwell. ‘I am saved.’

‘It’s
not the cavalry, Maxwell. It’s my guards.
Come.’

The
door swung open and a big shambling figure entered the room.

The
count didn’t bother to offer it a glance. ‘I have some rubbish for you to take
out,’ he said, pressing down upon the lever.

24

Click. Click. Click, went
the iron bands, slowly tightening up. ‘Aaaaagh!’ went Maxwell, as they slowly
began to crush him to death.

The
count stepped back to view his handiwork. ‘It takes a few minutes. Hideously
painful way to go, I’ll bet.’

‘I’ll
bet it is,’ chuckled the shambling figure.

The
count turned smiling, but the smile fled his face of an instant. ‘Who are …
?‘
You,
was the word he didn’t manage. The shambling figure flung out a
great hand, grasped him about the throat, flung out another and twisted
Waldeck’s head around backwards. There was a really sickening crunching sound.
Count Waldeck fell dead on the floor.

Further
such sounds were issuing from Maxwell’s chest. The shambling figure reached
out, yanked up the lever and pressed a button.

The
bands unlocked and Maxwell collapsed to the floor.

He awoke seconds later to
a violent shaking. Opening his eyes, he cried, ‘Rushmear, it’s you.’

‘It’s
me,’ said the horse trader.

‘But
how?’ Maxwell’s eyes flashed round the room, flashed upon the body of the
count, not two feet away.

‘Aaaagh!’
Maxwell struggled to his feet. ‘How did you— William peeped out from behind a
Rushmear trouser leg. ‘I went to get help,’ he said. ‘I found this man in the
foyer. He said he knew you.’

‘Good
lad, William. But how did you get here?’ Maxwell asked the saviour of his life.

‘I
never left you, Maxwell. I figured that if anyone could find their way here, it
would be you. So when I rode away on the dead knight’s horse, I just circled
around and hid. I saw you put on the armour. I’ve been following you ever
since, never more than a few hundred yards behind. First time ever I lost you
was outside in the foyer. That bastard’, Rushmear gestured to the dead count,
‘led you all around the building, obviously to lose anyone who might have been
following.’

‘Even
the tiniest loose ends get tied up,’ said Maxwell. ‘Brilliant. That makes us
almost
even for the number of times I saved
your
life.’

‘I shall
bear that in mind,’ said Rushmear, ‘once our souls are back in our bodies and
I’m pummelling you to death.’

‘Quite
so. Ah, excuse me,
William?’

‘Er,
yes?’ said the lad.

‘A
small matter, regarding this dead man here. This dead man who was
your
grandad.’

‘Not a
close-knit family,’ said William.

‘But
you knew who was in charge of the University all along.’

‘Yes,
but if I’d told you right
off,
it wouldn’t have been nearly so dramatic
as having you find out for yourself.’

Maxwell
threw up his hands.

‘Where
is Ewavett?’ Rushmear asked.

‘Boxed
up in the basement.

‘Then
let us fetch her.’

‘Not
quite so fast. I have a plan.’

‘A pox
on your plans,’ said Rushmear.

Maxwell
picked up the magic pouch and tucked it into his coat pocket. ‘MacGuffin may
have got a number of things wrong about this place. He thought, for instance,
that Sir John Rimmer had Ewavett—’

‘Sergio
Rameer,’ William explained. ‘It’s a bit complicated. I wouldn’t worry about
it.’

‘Then I
won’t,’ said Rushmear.

Maxwell
continued, ‘But MacGuffin was right about one thing. A means exists to
transport us back. An airship on the roof. That’s a
flying craft,
before
you ask.’

‘Then
let us fetch Ewavett and get on board.’

‘You
know how to fly such a craft?’

‘No,’
said Rushmear.

‘But
there is a pilot who does. Now what I propose we do is this.

A short while later,
Rushmear, Maxwell and William left the study of the now defunct Count Waldeck.
At Maxwell’s prompting, Rushmear had donned the count’s black habit, with the
hood pulled well down to cover his face. Maxwell was once again wearing the
suit of golden armour, and William, although he had protested that he too
should be disguised as something, went as William.

Of
course he
did
know the way to the basement. And a short while after the
short while later, they arrived at its very door.

Rushmear
pulled out the count’s ring of keys.

‘Open
up the door then,’ said Maxwell, taking a step back.

Rushmear
hesitated. ‘It is possible’, said he, ‘that some trap might lie within.’

‘I
hadn’t thought of that,’ said Maxwell, who certainly had. ‘Best open it
carefully then.’

‘I
will not open it at all.’ Rushmear thrust the keys at Maxwell.
‘You
will open it.’

‘Me?
Must I forever pander to your timidity? When will you learn to behave like a
man?’

‘What?’
roared Rushmear, going as ever for the throat.

‘Clunk!’
went a golden gauntlet on his still so tender nose.

‘Stop
it, you two.’ William stepped up and pushed open the door. ‘It’s never locked.’

‘See,’
said Maxwell.

‘Huh,’
said Rushmear.

The light from a few small
windows fell upon crates and packing cases, rusty suits of armour, dilapidated
mechanisms and cardboard boxes containing those
Top of the Pops
compilation
albums that you never saw in the shops but which are always there by the dozen
at bootsales. Rushmear began to crash and smash amongst the crates and cases.

‘Have a
care,’ said Maxwell. ‘We don’t want to damage Ewavett.’

‘I
don’t give a damn, as it happens.’

Maxwell
sighed and began to search.

William
said, ‘I think you’ll find she’s over here.’

Maxwell
sighed once more and followed William.

The
crate was long and coffin-shaped. It was a coffin, in fact.

‘Let’s
have the lid
off,’
said Rushmear, pushing forward.

Maxwell
tried to hold him back. ‘MacGuffin will hardly part with our souls if we bring
her to him in pieces.’