The Garlic Ballads (38 page)

Once again, the gurgling sound of water rose from the well. ‘Time to irrigate the crops again, my boy,” Old Man Wang said. “The water’s back.”

“Finish your story, Grandpa Three,” Gao Ma pleaded. “Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“Take it easy, my boy. Be patient. Never finish good food in one meal, or tell a good story in one sitting.”

“Do you really hate socialism that much?” the policeman asked.

“It’s not socialism I hate, it’s you. To you socialism is a mere signboard, but to me it’s a social formation—concrete, not abstract. It’s embodied in public ownership of the means of production and in a system of distribution. Unfortunately it’s also embodied in corrupt officials like you. Isn’t that right?” Gao Ma demanded.

The policeman, hardly less irate than he, pounded the table and said, “Gao Ma, I’m interrogating you as an officer of the court. This is no debating contest! We’re waiting for you to confess how you incited the masses to beat, smash, and loot, and how you joined them in this criminal activity. You were a soldier once, then a veteran. But you became a common criminal who resisted arrest and fled, only to ultimately fall into our grasp!”

“I already told you, you can shoot me or cut off my head or bury me alive, it doesnt matter to me. I hate corrupt officials like you who, under the guise of unfurling the flag of the Communist Party, destroy its reputation. I hate you all!”

It was after midnight. Farmers irrigating their crops under an even brighter, even clearer moon grew increasingly spectral. Lanterns faded and darkened under the luminous moonbeams.

Gao Ma handed a cigarette to Old Man Wang, who picked up the thread of his tale.

The teacher did what he never ever should have done: he revealed to his wife Zhang Nine-five’s imperial future. So many of the world’s great events have come a cropper because of women, who, like dogs, can eat butter but can’t keep it down. Just imagine the thoughts that ran through her head when she heard that her son-in-law was fated to become the Son of Heaven. Her daughter would be Empress, making her Empress Mother—a relationship with royalty that could never be broken: more riches and honors than she could ever fully appreciate, more silks and satins than she could ever possibly wear, and more delicacies and rich foods than she could ever eat. She lost touch with reality. But that’s another story.The next day the teacher went to the City God Temple, where he walked straight to the altar, picked up the slip of paper Zhang Nine-five had written, and, without a word to anyone, slipped it up his sleeve and took it home. “Did you write this, worthy son-in-law?” he confronted Zhang Nine-five. “Yes, I did,” Nine-five replied bashfully. “It’s at least five hundred miles from here to Luoyang,” the teacher said, “a round trip of a thousand li. How is he to travel that distance in a single day?” “I was just having some fun,” Nine-five protested. “Well, you’d better write another slip to spare him the trip,” the teacher said. So Nine-five picked up the brush and wrote on a torn slip of paper, “City God, City God, you need not go to Luoyang. Off to bed after a hearty meal, and stay in good health.” That night the City God returned to the teacher in a dream. “My heartfelt thanks for interceding on my behalf,” he said, “for which I want to give you this roast lamb and fine wine.” As before, when the teacher awoke and went into the next room, there on the stove awaited a roast lamb and a bottle of fine wine.

A meteor streaked earthward, dragging its fiery tail behind it. Old Man Wang continued the tale: Nine-five’s mother-in-law had a dispute with a neighbor that day, and in the heat of the argument forgot her husband’s admonition to keep this secret. “For your information,” she said, “my son-in-law is a future Son of Heaven, and after he mounts the Dragon Throne, I’ll have him lop off all your heads, one after the other.” Treating it as an idle threat, the neighbor said, “Everybody knows that scrawny monkey of a son-in-law doesn’t have a bone in his body worthy of an Emperor. Even if he did, with a black-hearted, ham-handed mother-in-law like you, Old Man Heaven would replace those bones!” A passing spirit, overhearing the angry comment, reported it to the Jade Emperor, who was so incensed he ordered Heavenly Prince Li and his son Nuozha to go down and replace Zhang Nine-five’s bones. That afternoon Heavenly Prince Li and his son arrived at the City God Temple, where they were feted with a banquet, at which Heavenly Prince Li had a bit too much to drink and let slip their reason for coming. Recalling with gratitude Zhang Nine-five’s retraction of the imperial edict, the City God quickly appeared in a dream to the teacher, saying, “Dear teacher, your wife repeated something that angered the Jade Emperor, who sent Heavenly Prince Li and his son to remove your worthy son-in-law’s imperial bones and replace them with turtle bones during the third watch tonight. Tell your worthy son-in-law that he must grit his teeth and bear up under any pain, no matter how great, and not to scream under any circumstances. That way he retains his golden mouth and teeth of jade. One scream, and even his teeth will become those of a turtle. The mysteries of heaven cannot be divulged. Please inform your worthy son-in-law that he must watch what he says.” After ensuring that his message was understood, the City God mounted the wind and rode off. This time the teacher awoke covered with sweat. Knowing this was no false alarm, he immediately informed Nine-five that later that night, no matter how much pain he experienced, he was to grit his teeth and not cry out. Nine-five, who was smarter than most, understood at once. Later that night, as expected, his body was racked with unbearable pain; but, remembering his teacher’s admonition, he gritted his teeth and didn’t utter a sound. The teacher, angered over his wife’s dreams of imperial favor, was tempted to throttle her, but didn’t dare let on. As for Zhang Nine-five, he retained his golden mouth and teeth of jade. Then one summer day, as he sat under a tree reading a book, his peace was shattered by croaking frogs in the bay. “Stop your croaking,” he said, “or I’ll turn you all belly-up!” The frogs in Zhang Family Bay haven’t croaked since that day, and every time one of them gets the urge to break its silence, the croak no sooner leaves its mouth than the frog goes belly-up.

“I guess a golden mouth and teeth of jade are as potent as they say.” Gao Ma giggled. “Grandpa Three, being Emperor isn’t as easy as it sounds. You’re not free to say what you want, like we are.”

“True enough,” Grandpa Three agreed. “The Son of Heaven isn’t permitted light banter.”

“But I don’t really believe that if the Emperor ordered horses to grow horns, or cows to grow scales, or roosters to lay eggs, or hens to crow, that those things would happen.”

“In such matters some speak, others obey,” Grandpa Three insisted. “Since no nonsense ever passes the Emperor’s lips, if he says to grow horns, no horse would dare disobey. If you want an example closer to home, take our Secretary Wang. A township party secretary isn’t even a rank-seven official, but the way he swaggers around, if he said he only had seven teeth, who would dare pry open his mouth to check it out?”

After a thoughtful pause, Gao Ma said, “You’ve got a point.”

“Elder Brother Gao Ma,” Jinju said petulandy, “tell me about your relationship with the chief of staff’s concubine.”

“It wasn’t the chief of staff’s concubine, it was the regiment commander’s concubine.”

“Then tell me about your relationship with her.”

“She wanted to get married, but I never got used to her foul breath or her pouting. I didn’t love her.” He cringed at the word “love.” “I figured she was my ticket to officer rank. I hated them, but I was no better than them, and didnt deserve a promotion.”

“How about your love for me? Is it real or phony?”

“You can actually ask that after all we’ve been through together?”

“If you’d become an officer in the army, you probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with me.”

“If I’d become an officer, I’d have turned bad.”

“Would you have married the regiment commander’s concubine?”

“Now listen to me. My promotion order was in the works, so I dropped the regiment commander’s concubine—after all, I was going to get what I wanted. So what happened? The regiment commander tore up the promotion order.”

“Good for him!” Jinju said through clenched teeth.

“If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have become your man.”

“Oh, I see, I’m a last-ditch rebound!” Jinju blurted out as she dissolved in tears, feeling terribly wronged.

Gao Ma rubbed her shoulders in an attempt to console her. “Don’t cry. Who hasn’t been guilty of a youthful indiscretion at one time or another? I just want to sell my crop as fast as possible and give your blackhearted parents the money they demand for your hand, so we can live in peace together. Become an officer? What for? To sell my conscience? That’s what you have to do.”