The Geary Series Boxed Set (54 page)

When Jane heard her baby cry for the first time, a wave of nausea rose up through her stomach and into her throat. She’d changed her mind, she wanted to keep her baby, but it was too late. The contract had been signed for over a week, the ink had dried and her fate sealed. Jane had made a private arrangement for her baby to be adopted. George and Hannah Greer had impressed her with their desire to have a child of their own, and she trusted them to raise her baby in a loving environment. Something she had no experience of and didn’t know where to start to create an environment where her baby would have a happy childhood.

“Do you want to hold him?” The nurse asked as she stood at the foot of the bed cradling the newborn in her arms.

“Just for a moment and then you need to take him away from me.” She sobbed.

Using her elbows to sit up, she winced with pain from the birth and the other nurse put pillows behind her shoulders and neck. Jane held out her arms and took her baby carefully and gazed down at the little scrunched up face she had created. She kissed his forehead and held him up to be taken away. Maria stood at the side of the bed and stroked his forehead as he went by. The nurse knew that he was being given up for adoption and understood the need for separation and didn’t delay leaving the room. As she left, George and Hannah rushed in.

“We’re so sorry we’re late, are you ok Jane?” Hannah asked, she immediately sat on the bed and held Jane’s hand. This act of compassion tipped Jane over the top and she burst into tears, Maria stepped forward and hugged her niece and Hannah stepped away to stand near her husband. The emotional scene caused her to cry as well.

The nurse returned with the baby boy, cleaned and in fresh blankets. Hannah stared at the baby, waiting. The nurse waited for permission, this wasn’t the first time she had been present during an adoption.

“It’s ok Hannah, please hold him, he’s yours to take care of now. Please look after him. Seeing him is breaking my heart, I need you both to leave.” Jane sobbed, heaving air into her lungs every third word. George nodded and came to her bedside and kissed her cheek.

“You’re a brave woman Jane, we will love him like he’s our own, you can trust that.” George said and walked back to his wife and took the baby, leaving the room. Hannah stepped forward and sat on the bed opposite Maria and held Jane’s hand.

“You’ve made me an euphoric woman Jane, I’m so sorry my joy causes you pain. He’s so beautiful, I already love him.” Hannah said, oblivious to the tears falling from her chin onto the blanket. “If you ever want to visit, you know where we live, and you can come anytime you want to. We’ll pay for your travel to come and see him.” Hannah reassured her.

“Thank you, it won’t happen, but thank you for offering,” Jane answered.

Hannah smiled and patted her hand and kissed her cheek. She left the room without another word and Jane felt alone once more. Maria held her tight and rocked her, whispering soothing words to heal the pain. They remained this way for a while until the peace shattered.

“Where is my baby? What happened to the baby Jane?” Gale shrieked from the doorway. Her hair had been blown in several directions by the fierce wind outside. The sash windows rattled as the wind threw the rain at the glass. Hearing Gale yell at her, caused her to shake uncontrollably, she had managed to calm her heart rate after the departure of her baby only for it to rocket up again.

“Go away Gale,” Jane muttered and closed her eyes and lay back onto the pillows.

“What?” she shouted, “Go away? After all I’ve done for you, you dismiss me from the room.” Gale continued to scream.

The nurse who had stayed quiet in the corner had stepped into the doorway and whispered into Gale’s ear. Gale’s shocked face stared at the nurse and she turned abruptly and disappeared from sight.

With a sigh of relief, Jane relaxed once more to concentrate on how to mend her broken heart. She had lost the first person she truly loved, a person she only knew for a matter of minutes. Her hope was that giving him up would be the best decision.

It was the best moment of her life, followed by the worst, she would never be whole again.

“I’m going down to Leslie’s for a slice of cake do you want to come with me?” Jane yelled down the stairs to Maria, who was in her workshop.

“No love, you carry on, I need to finish this candle decoration, I’ll see you later for supper,” Maria called back up the stairs. She stood on the bottom step and beamed a smile up to Jane and blew her a kiss.

Jane caught the kiss in her hand and picked up her coat from the banister stop and left the home she had become attached to.

It had been six months since she had given birth and had slowly shaken off her depression. Instead of crying permanently, she had progressed to the occasional smile. She never would’ve gotten through her postnatal depression if it hadn’t been for her aunt and Leslie. Their patience and encouragement through her dark days gave her hope that she would be able to function as a normal human being one day. Maria made her visit the cafe every day and Leslie forced her to talk about what was in her head. Neither of them judged her or her dark thoughts and held her when she cried.

Today was a good day in Jane’s world, just as she opened the door, she saw the postman had delivered a few envelopes and two were addressed to her. She stuffed them in her bag, determined not to think the worst. Only her parents and the baby’s parents knew where she lived.

Wrapping the red woollen scarf around her neck she put on her corduroy jacket and slung her bag over her shoulder and walked down the double set of steep hills and into the cafe. Leslie waved from behind the counter while she took payment from a customer. Blowing her wayward fringe out of her eyes Jane lifted out the two envelopes and studied the postmarks of the correspondence. One said Edinburgh and the other stated Dublin. Laying the square white envelopes on the table side by side, she played a game in her head of which one to open. After four rounds and an even split of outcomes, they remained sealed.

“What’s happening Jane? You look beautiful, is today a good day?” Leslie asked and grabbed both of her hands that had hovered over the Dublin envelope.

Two men passed the booth and whistled their approval and Leslie smiled and moved them on. Concentrating back on her friend she let go of her hands and willed Jane to start talking.

“Will you open these letters and tell me what they say?” Jane asked.

“Of course, which one shall I open first?”

“The Dublin letter.” Jane decided and without delay and any time for Jane to change her mind, Leslie ripped open the envelope and pulled out its contents. She opened the letter and a photo fell out onto the counter. It landed face down. The clatter of dishes being stacked behind the counter deafened her, Jane glared at the waitress to quieten down. She didn’t because she had her back to the customers.

The silence from Leslie as she read frustrated her, the desperation of knowing what it said and the denial of what the picture showed came to a fixation.

“Do you want me to read it aloud?” Leslie asked and kept reading.

“Yes,” Jane replied with certainty.

“Dear Jane, I wanted you to know Michael-” Leslie started.

“She did not call him Michael,” Jane said, her pale face concerned Leslie and she pushed the sugary mug of tea near Jane’s hand.

“Drink it. Yes, she did, why is that significant?” Leslie asked and thanked the waitress for bringing over the mugs of tea.

“The baby’s father is called Michael.”

“Oh, shit, really? You never mentioned it before.” Leslie gulped down a mouthful of her own tea and carried on reading.

“I wanted you to know Michael,” she continued, “is a healthy baby and is enjoying his new home in Dublin. Well, as much as a baby can, he is wide-eyed and sleeps well through the night. I hope you will come and see him one day, you are always welcome. I’ve included a photo of him and will write to you again very soon.” Leslie read and turned the page over to see if there was any more to read. The other side was blank and the letter was signed George and Hannah.

Leslie looked up when she heard her friend sniffle, and fishing out her hanky she handed it to Jane and picked up the Polaroid photo.

“Don’t look at it, don’t show me either, I don’t want to see him. I need to forget this ever happened,” Jane said, her voice heaving as she cried the words out.

“Oh honey, do you want me to keep the letter?” Leslie asked, tucking the paper and photo back into the envelope.

“If you want, throw it away if you want to, I don’t care. Do you have anything stronger to drink?” She asked and looked around the cafe for a choice of alcoholic drink.

“No, Jane, I don’t have any alcohol here, I don’t have a licence. I also think drinking alcohol this early in the morning is not the best option,” Leslie warned.

“Shame, because right now I could do with getting very drunk to blot all this heartache out. I need to numb the pain.” She said.

Jane rested her head on her folded arms on the table top and Leslie held her hand. She worried about her friend, she worried that she wouldn’t be strong enough to cope with giving up her baby. While Jane sobbed quietly, she slipped the envelope into Jane’s bag and held the second letter in her hand. Tapping it on the Formica table, attempting to get Jane’s attention.

“Just open it Leslie and read me the highlights,” Jane said, her voice muffled from her position.

Leslie opened the envelope and pulled out the single piece of white paper. She read the handwritten words, several times. She bided her time in revealing the contents, she waited until Jane asked. Hoping that she wouldn’t want to know.

Jane raised her head and blew her fringe out of her eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was pink from leaning on her arm.

“Tell me, Leslie, just get it over with.”

Taking a deep breath, she chose her words carefully.

“Gale has written to your parents and has confessed that it was just you that was pregnant. They have said that she is allowed to come home.” Leslie said, she had left out the spite and the sentence that said Jane would never be welcome home.

“Good, I’m glad she is going, I can’t stand her miserable face,” Jane concluded. She lifted the letter out of Leslie’s hands and ripped it to little pieces and dropped them into her empty tea mug.

“I declare it's time to plan my future, will you help?” Jane asked hopefully.

“Absolutely, my dad said you can rent the shop,” Leslie announced.

Maria said goodnight to her companion for the evening, she had been to the theatre. Letting herself into the house, she listened out for any noise, the house was in darkness and she listened for any evidence that Jane was awake.

She thought she could hear crying, she had heard it so many times before but for the last month Jane had turned a corner.

Maria searched the rooms for the crying she could hear, the wracking sobs pulled at her heart. Jane was in the house, but she didn’t know where. The last room to look in was her workshop, carefully stepping down the stairs she ducked her head to look into the room before she reached the bottom stair. The lights were off, but the back door swung back and forth in the wind. It kept banging as it hit the frame. The lock had been fixed so it remained locked open. Maria walked around the work bench in the middle of the room and couldn’t see where she was. The smashing of a bottle alerted her to the back garden.

Maria was barefoot having kicked off her low heeled shoes upstairs to aid her speedy checking of the rooms. She made sure she didn’t make a sound, her niece seemed distraught. The last thing she wanted was her to bolt while she was in this kind of distress. The sun had set and the heavens had opened. Hailstones pelted through the open door until it slammed shut. The repetitive motion of the door opening and then slamming shut irritated Maria, but the deluge of hailstones had melted on her studio floor. She grabbed some towels from the shelf near the sink and dropped them on the floor. The path of wet towels was preferable to wet feet and slipping over. The towels ran out at the perfect place, the door threshold. Maria took the door off the latch and wedged the door open with the hook and chain behind the top part of the door.

The hailstones had stopped as soon as they had started and the drips falling from the trees were the only noise that could be heard.

Jane’s sobbing resumed, she had the neck of a vodka bottle in her hand. Jane pressed the sharp edge against the vein in her wrist, blood started to trickle down her wrist and onto the floor. She was sitting upright against the stone wall, her legs bent in an awkward position. A wet piece of paper lay on the ground between her legs and a photo.  Maria stood paralysed, she daren’t move in case it prompted Jane to do something stupid.  The urge to tackle her and snatch the broken bottle out of her hand was extreme, but she had never been faced with anyone wanting to do themselves any harm before. Jane stopped the cut as soon as she started and moved the glass bottle further up her arm and cut again. It was only now that Maria saw the scars, she saw the short white scars from previous cuts. Bringing her hand to her mouth, she stifled a sob, she couldn’t comprehend that Jane had been hurting herself. The reason to why she hurt herself was evident but the fact that Jane was punishing her body was too much for her brain and heart to cope with.

“Jane,” she called out quietly, she stepped forward, slowly.

“Go away, you can’t help me,” Jane muttered.

Maria moved forward another step and waited to see if there were any repercussions. Jane remained still so she risked another step forward until she reached her niece. Lowering her body down to the floor she sat by Jane on the sopping wet floor. Her garden had been saturated with water from the shower earlier. Wincing at the cold floor on her bare legs she shifted around to cover as much of her body with her dress as possible.

“I’m not moving until you put the glass down, I won’t let you hurt your body anymore. Will you tell me what happened today?” Maria asked.

Jane hummed tunelessly and dragged the glass up her arm, she didn’t draw blood this time. She waited another five minutes before asking Jane again.

“I want him back so bad, I miss my baby, why can’t I have him back?”

Jane wailed, dropping the glass to the ground, her head fell into her hands. Maria reached over and threw the glass into the shrubs. The photo caught her eye again and she picked it up and shook off the rain drops to get a better look. The baby boy in the picture was fast asleep, his eyes scrunched up with his tiny fists under his chin. Maria sighed at the photo and completely understood why Jane had fallen apart again. Over the last six months, Jane had taken to drinking heavily but always bounced back after her binge session. Seeing the marks on her arm, Maria realised that she hadn’t coped at all since he was born. She was feeling stupid that she thought Jane was ok.

“I know sweetheart, I know.” Maria rocked Jane in her arms, encouraging her to cry her heart out and let go of the pain she was holding in.

“Why can’t I have him back? I’ve changed my mind, I want to raise him. I’ve made a terrible mistake.” Jane said.

Maria didn’t answer this time because Jane knew the answer to these questions. She continued to cuddle her close until the crying subsided.

Helping her up, she brought her back into the house and into fresh clothes and into bed. Tomorrow would be the day Maria sought professional help for her niece.