The Gift of Volkeye (20 page)

Maugrimm swore under his breath, knowing that Belch was right. His only other option was to get out of this hold and take to these women with his fists! However, hitting women was against his beliefs. Also, how stupid would he have looked raising a hand at them over something that was his fault?

Bloody hell…there ain’t no way outta’ this!
he thought, squinting his eyes shut in anticipation of the pain.

Beatrice delivered the first blow, and it was so hard everyone nearly expected her fist to go through his midsection! Though his torso throbbed with pain, it resisted the blow. She now delivered a right and left to his jaws, her punches slow and deliberate, causing the maximum amount of damage possible. Two of Maugrimm’s teeth had been knocked out, and he spit up blood as his eyes rolled in a daze. Beatrice delivered three more body blows and then gave an uppercut to the underside of his chin that slightly lifted Maugrimm from the floor! Beyond that was more of the same, only the volley of Beatrice’s attacks had increased to a ‘punching bag’ speed.

Asha, Belch, and the others could do naught but observe the horrific spectacle in awe. Although they knew he’d brought this on himself, they couldn’t help but feel sorry for Maugrimm, as they grimaced or repeatedly closed their eyes, uttering one sentence fragment after another:

“Oh!…”

“Aaaah!”

“Ewww!”

“Oh, my god!”

“Yikes!”

“Maugrimm!”

“Oh shit!”

With his body finally limp, Bertha slung Maugrimm to the floor. “My turn,” she said, sitting atop of him.

She dealt a quick flurry of a little over two dozen punches, finishing with a magnificently hard backhand that knocked another of Maugrimm’s teeth out. Then she climbed from the floor and left hand-in-hand with Beatrice. The two enormous female beasts retrieved their belongings and slowly trudged from the cave with their heads down, sulking. It was as if they were the ones who’d just been victimized!

The others now ran to Maugrimm to see if he was still breathing. Though he was far from his best, Mawg was alive. Belch knelt over and scooped up the teeth with a handkerchief. He would add them to the plaque on the wall as a reminder for Maugrimm the next time he thought it wise to date more than one woman simultaneously.

As the family crowded around him, seeing to his injuries, Maugrimm began muttering unintelligibly.

“…No, no, no, you gotta’ die for that stunt, matey!”
he snarled. And then:
“Ya’ should let me finish ‘em, Zynathian, I’m tellin’ ya’! Phyllamon’s kind ‘r trouble till the end—always are!”

Belch quietly chuckled to himself. Maugrimm must’ve been dreaming of the day that he spared Phyllamon’s life. It was the immense pain, which had probably jarred his memory. Belch then realized that that was probably the only day in life that Maugrimm regretted more than this one!

He folded the teeth in the handkerchief and put them in his pocket, shaking his head at his idiot best friend. Maugrimm was still unconsciously rambling. He was in so much pain that he didn’t even know where he was!

“Me wants a Caesar salad, chittlins, ‘n some neck bones! And two tickets to the opera, please!”

4

Asha and Bahzee couldn’t help but chuckle as they reminisced on their first visit to Belch’s restaurant.

“Maugrimm, now that I think back on it, that was like a scene straight out of Wrinkle
Whatchamacallit’s
stories!”

“
Wrinklegus
PoisonTongue
,
mommy, get it right for once, will you!” Bahzee huffed.

Sing’s eyes widened with excitement, seeing that Bahzee was a fan of her favourite writer.

“How would I know? Pardon me if I don’t choose to fill my mind with fantastical garbage!” Asha smirked, knowing good and well that every single one of her sculptures was something otherworldly.

“Oh, my goodness! How could you say such a thing? PoisonTongue is so much fun—my favourite! His work is the only reason I didn’t go nuts in the fourteen years that I was imprisoned in the bowels of Castle Xyecah!”

Everyone went pale at her words. Toodles arched his back and hissed. For a moment, Sing didn’t realize what she’d said, and then it dawned on her that—until now—they didn’t know her story! All eyes in the room were upon her.

Asha gasped and slumped in her seat in exasperation. “My god, Sing…how did you escape?”

1

A few hours passed before they had all finished sharing Phyllamon horror stories. Sing was disheartened and snuck away to explore the rest of the Igloo. Bahzee noticed her leave and followed.

It was night, and the Igloo was lit dimly by Zynathian’s anti-freeze track lighting. These, Maugrimm never set at too high a level, for they got incredibly hot and would melt the ceiling ice. Instead the vast majority of light came from numerous candles placed about.

Sing found herself back in the long room where she and Bahzee first met. She picked up one of the candles, observing. They were peculiar looking things—oddly shaped, as they were not thin sticks like your average candle. These odourless, orangish-brown sticky balls had long leathery looking wicks protruding from their tops. Sing took her blade from the pouch in her dress and sliced a section off, playing with it like a piece of clay. She grinned in fascination.

“My God, Sing, what are you doing? You’re not supposed to touch it!”

Sing, startled, turned to face Bahzee with a puzzled expression.

“Why not?”

“Because you have no idea where they come from, silly!” Bahzee laughed.

Sing didn’t quite get the joke yet. Hands on her hips, she tapped her foot impatiently. “And what’s so funny?”

“I’m not sure you really want to know,” Bahzee warned. However, as Sing was eagerly anticipating the punch line to a joke whose meaning eluded her, Bahzee noticed her expression hadn’t budged.

“Okay…well…they’re Maugrimm’s butt bombs!”

“What?”

“You know, booty droppings…ass candy! And those long things sticking out of the top—the wicks—those are strands of facial hair.”

Sing’s mouth hung open in disbelief. There was no way Bahzee could be telling the truth. It didn’t even smell! “Baz, what are you playing at, lying to me like this? Do you mean to tell me this is—”

“A shit-whisker candle!”
Bahzee giggled.

Expressions of horror, disgust, and amusement came over Sing simultaneously. And then she began laughing, pointing the excrement at Bahzee with a sinister grin upon her face.

“Oh, no you don’t, missy!” Bahzee said backing away from Sing. “No, no, no…please don’t, Sing, I really like you! I wouldn’t do this to you,” she pled, trying not to laugh.

“Yes, you would, you little liar,” Sing said, calling her bluff.

“No, no, noooo…Mommy help!” Bahzee yelled, listening desperately for a reply. However, realizing that Asha would only team up with Sing if she arrived, Bahzee hoped she hadn’t heard her. Instead, she turned to run.

The two girls darted about the room, weaving around the furniture and flaming cauldrons. Both had planned to run until the other got tired, and then they’d be able to faceoff. However, the two were in such great shape, they merely wound up running for (what seemed) an eternity. Suddenly Bahzee stopped to confront Sing, taunting her.

“My god, Sing,
please
tell me you can do better than this! Or are you holding back, afraid of what’s going to happen to you when you make it over here?”

“You wish!” Sing said, taking a swipe at her with the shit-whisker ball.

“Hah! Too slow!”

Bahzee ran to a corner and turned, sticking her tongue out. Then she bent over, looking at Sing between her legs, and then smacked her ass several times.

“You are
SO
dead, Baz!”

Bahzee, charmed by a spell of the giggles at Sing’s agitation, was caught off guard. Suddenly Sing was scaling the edge of the cauldron with the effortless grace of a ballerina! Bahzee now understood how Sing had escaped the castle—her agility was remarkable! Next thing she knew, Sing was flying in the air towards her in an attack position, shit-whisker arm extended. This time, however, it was Sing who was surprised.

Bahzee had caught her in midair, holding her high as possible, as if she was doing shoulder presses. Her body hadn’t budged. Sing might as well have hit a brick wall…that was how strong Bahzee was!

“Wow.”

“Whoa,” Bahzee replied.

“You did this earlier, too—up there, while hugging me in front of the bathroom door!” Sing pointed. “I knew I wasn’t crazy!”

“Huh? Oh yeah, I didn’t even think of that!” Baz said, considering her wondrous ability.
First Felix…now this!

Sing continued squirming in the air. “How?”

“It’s a long story, and not even I can put all the pieces together at the moment. I’ll be able to answer more of your questions when Papa Zynnie gets here, because I have a few of my own for him.”

“Who’s that?!” Sing yelled, mashing the shit-whisker ball all over Bahzee’s face. All the strength ran out of Bahzee’s arms and both of them collapsed to the floor. Bahzee was howling.

“I hate you, Sing! You’re really gonna get it!”

Sing wrapped her arms and legs around Bahzee, hindering her kicking and squirming. She was amused that this girl, who could’ve thrown her through the ceiling if she wanted, seemed not to be able to gather the strength to break her bonds!

Or maybe she just doesn’t want to?

She knew then that Bahzee was enjoying it, and she kissed her opposite cheek. The moment was an unspoken “I love you” between new sisters. Sing continued to hold her down, rubbing the feces in. With the volley of obscenities erupting from her mouth, one listening from a distance would’ve assumed that Bahzee was ready to kill Sing. However, that was hardly the case. As angry and disgusted as Bahzee claimed to be, she couldn’t stop laughing.

2

In a small room on the other side of the Igloo, Maugrimm sat accompanied by Asha and Toodles. He’d lit one of his whiskers at the kitchen stove and brought it back to the chamber, tossing it inside the cauldron in the center of the room. It was quickly ablaze.

Mawg looked down at his flaming, odourless urine (another one of his special attributes, which was being described to Sing in a far room). “Is that all right with ya’?”

“Thanks, Mawg...it’s comfortable now. So what do you think of her?”

“Absolutely darlin’!”

“I know, I love her!” Asha said, wishing that she had seen Sing in action with Phyllamon’s soldiers. The thought of Phyllamon reminded Asha of the problems at present, making her long to speak to Zynathian.

“Dammit, I wish that satellite was working! We’ve never needed to contact Zynnie so badly, and there’s nothing we can do to reach him!” Getting worked up caused her to handle Toodles a bit rough, and he hissed at her.

“Sorry.”

“Well the weather out here ain’t the easiest thing to predict, Miss Smarty. The snowfall’s been bad the last month, ‘n the connection was damaged! Whatcha’ want me and Zynnie ta’ do?”

“Build something that’s more weather proof! Hell, he can invent any other damn thing!”

“Now don’t ya’ go gettin’ your dreadlocks in a twist, lady. Unless somethin’ is really wrong, Teshunua ain’t never late. When he gets here, he’ll contact Zynathian with Jix. We’ll see him and the rest of the family before ya’ can bat an eyelash!”

3

In theory, Maugrimm wasn’t too far off the mark—only his guess wasn’t accurate enough for Asha. They’d waited over ten more days, and she’d been worried to death for most of that time. In efforts to escape her misery, she began designing new weapons (one of which she secretly created with Maugrimm in mind).

In the meantime, Baz and Sing had become even closer, confiding their deepest, most intimate secrets to one another. On this particular evening, they sat in the long room where they’d had their first battle, snuggled together on the couch, in front of a large flaming cauldron. Sing had just told of having been exposed to Phyllamon’s genitalia on numerous occasions, despite the fact that she was never raped. Bahzee was aghast.

In return, Bahzee admitted her feelings for Teshunua, describing him in vivid detail. Understanding that Bahzee was in love even though she hadn’t said it specifically, Sing sighed with envy. She herself had never taken such feelings for men. After all, her first introduction to the male species, besides her father, was Phyllamon.

“You’re mature for your age…it must be your experiences of late. I’ve always believed that trauma can bring out the maturity in a person, no matter how young. I also grew up incredibly fast. It couldn’t be helped, living in Phyllamon’s castle!”

Sing had just finished braiding Bahzee’s hair in a ponytail, and she leaned in and kissed her cheek. Bahzee loved being treated like a little sister.

“You’re awfully affectionate for someone who has never loved.” Baz smiled.

“I get it from my mom and dad…I haven’t forgotten them.”

As the two of them sat in silence, enjoying each other’s company, they saw Asha stroll into the room. She glowed with happiness, as another person followed her in. From his dark skin, Sing knew instantly. Bahzee had already leapt up from the couch.

“Teshunua!”

They ran into the tightest of embraces.

“I’ve been worried sick ever since I found Rhameeryla in rubbles,” he said, exhaling with relief.

I was right…Phyllamon did come!
Bahzee thought, noticing the fatigue and worry on his face.

Bahzee was glad that she hadn’t witnessed what became of her hometown, seeing how jarring it had been for Teshunua. She caressed his face, observing the one she had dreamt about for six months, noticing he was holding back tears.

Typical male,
she thought, as her own tears began to fall. “And I’ve been worried about you. Why must you be gone so long each time?”

Asha ogled them, struck dumb at her revelation.
My god, how could I have missed it!

Teshunua wiped Bahzee’s tears. While they held each other’s faces,
Asha and Sing were certain the kiss would follow. However, being reserved about her actions with Teshunua in front of her mother, Bahzee resisted. Instead she led him over to the couch.

“Sing, this is…”

“Teshunua, it’s very nice to meet you!” Sing Tzi Yi grinned.

“It’s a pleasure…I’m sorry, what was it?”

“Sing, silly, it’s not that hard to remember!” said Bahzee. “Sit with us.”

“Sure.” Embarrassed from being on the verge of tears, Teshunua took his manliness up a notch and resorted to humour. “So, another fun family evening with jokes, stories, and a gigantic black cauldron, filled to the brim with flaming piss,” he said in a droll fashion. The girls got a chuckle out of this.

Asha crept out, in disbelief that Bahzee and Teshunua’s feelings had gone unnoticed with her. Bahzee would have denied it anyway, knowing she was a big mouth and couldn’t keep a secret. She was right. Unable to resist spilling the gossip, Asha darted off to tell Maugrimm everything!

Taking an instant liking to him, Sing was now filling Teshunua in on her history and arrival. A little less than happy to know that another person’s misfortune was centered around Phyllamon, Tesh had gone quiet and fuming. Bahzee calmed him.

“Hey, hey, hey now, you cut that out. You’ve only just arrived, and that’s a good thing, so we’re not going to kill the mood by dwelling on the negative, are we?” She pinched his cheek.

“No…I only wish I could drop he and Felix into a pot of this urine, and boil their skinny asses until the meat just slid off their bones!”

Bahzee jabbed him in the ribs. Teshunua, being quite ticklish, went to the floor. “I was suggesting a more positive attitude, mister!”

He got off the floor. “That’s as positive as I can be concerning them,” he said, looking to Sing. “So Sing, have you tried it yet?”

“Tried what?”

“Maugrimm’s piss. It makes an excellent tea! We should take advantage while it’s nice and warm,” he said with the most deadpan expression possible.

Bahzee buried her face in her palms.

“You’re joking!” Sing said in horror, searching for a hint of sarcasm. She found none.

“There’s nothing better than a nice big mug of Maugrimm’s gold urine! Not only does it taste great, but also it’s scientifically proven by Uncle Zynnie to add one more decade to a person’s life. It can be used as a cleansing astringent for open wounds, and it’s a great source of vitamin C. That’s what we all usually drink when we’re having a late night out here with Maugrimm. Its nutrients can keep you energetic for several hours! Shall I get some mugs from the kitchen?”

Convinced of his sincerity, Sing was momentarily perplexed, contemplating whether or not she would try some pee before going to bed. Then she decided against it…she just couldn’t. Putting her hands on Maugrimm’s feces was one thing, but adding his urine in her diet was where she drew the line.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. But you guys go ahead.”

At this, Bahzee was howling. “He’s not serious, bubblehead!”

Sing, embarrassed at her naiveté, pounced on Bahzee and Teshunua, delivering a flurry of punches.

“Hah hah…I almost had you! You were
really
considering. Gross!”

“Oh shut up, you two! Take that…and that…and this!”