The Gilded Web (37 page)

And so he had decided he must leave. For Lady Madeline's sake and for his own, he must go. Alex did not need him any longer, he had concluded. Amberley would look after her. And yet now that situation had complicated. He was delighted at Alex's newfound spirit. It was what he had always hoped for, and had always thought possible, though he could have wished it to show itself in a way other than the rejection of a man who would undoubtedly make her a good husband. But he knew he would not be able to leave until he knew more certainly what was to happen to his sister.

And Alexandra for her part was feeling an unreasonable mixture of exhilaration and depression. Exhilaration at the fact that she had finally been able to sort out all her confusing feelings of the past weeks and know that she had her own life in her hands and that she could, within certain limits, do what she wished with it. The outlook was bleak—a breaking-off of her engagement, a dreadful scene with Papa, a future as a servant. But it was her future, and she felt excited at the prospect of being able to shape her own destiny for the first time in her life.

But there was depression too. James was going away, probably for a long, long time—perhaps forever. And she must not even try to hold him back. Indeed, she must encourage him to go, to find his own destiny. James must go in search of whatever it was that would release him from the terrible bitterness he felt against life.

And there was depression to know that she must go away from Lord Amberley just at the time when she realized she was beginning to care for him. He was a truly kind man. She doubted she would ever meet his like again. And a very, very attractive man. She had feared his touch at first because she had not understood the physical responses it evoked. Now she did understand. His touch appealed to the sexuality that had long been suppressed in her, that she had always been taught was the sin in her.

That sexuality could blossom at Lord Amberley's touch. She knew that. When he touched her, when he kissed her—even when he looked at her with those smiling blue eyes—she came alive in a way she had never known and never dreamed of. She had known of the physical duty marriage would bring her, but she had always expected it to be just that: a duty, the most unpleasant one of her married life. Something she would do because she belonged to a man and existed to bear his children and give him pleasure.

But she wanted to be intimate with the Earl of Amberley. She wanted to go beyond kisses, beyond the touch of hands and bodies. She wanted everything, everything there was to experience, even that always dreaded penetration of her body that she knew was at the heart of the marriage act. She wanted him inside her body. Edmund!

And yet she had decided that she must leave him, for no other reason than that he had offered her marriage in order to protect her. She must have windmills in her head! And he would end their betrothal because he respected the freedom of others too deeply to hold her to an engagement that was against her wishes.

Mad! She must be mad, Alexandra thought, the wind buffeting her from behind as she rode beside her brother, back along the cliffs toward Amberley. She was excited and depressed, jubilant and unhappy, all at the same time.

W
ELL, DOM.” LORD AMBERLEY, HIS COAT collar pulled up, his hat drawn forward, felt reasonably comfortable despite the chill of the morning. He and his brother were riding side by side on the road from the village, having just called on Mrs. Peterson to see how she and the boys did. “It seems an age since we had the chance of a talk together.”

“That sounds ominous,” Lord Eden said. “Do you have something particular on your mind, Edmund?”

His brother laughed. “No,” he said. “Merely a certain elder-brotherly envy. You do attract the females, don't you?”

“Do you mean Molly Sugden just now in the Peterson cottage?” his brother asked with a grin. “I have never given her any encouragement at all, I swear. She is altogether too buxom for my taste.”

Lord Amberley laughed. “You must admit that she showed unusual devotion,” he said. “I wish I had counted the number of curtsies she bobbed in your direction. If I can count that high. I had two, one when I entered and one when I left.”

“I can't help it if I am the handsomest Raine in the family,” Lord Eden said.

“And the least modest,” his brother said. “And there is Anna, Dom. She has a sad case of hero worship. I don't believe any other person exists in this world for her but you.”

“She will grow out of it,” Lord Eden said. “Wait until she is taken to London to be presented. She will have all the bucks swarming around her. A very fetching little thing, Anna. Give her time to acquire some curves and some allure, Edmund, and she will be slaying male hearts by the score.”

“What about Susan?” Lord Amberley asked.

“What about Susan?” His brother frowned.

“She is smitten, Dom,” the earl said. “And you have been doing nothing to discourage her, as far as I can see.”

“Oh,” Lord Eden said, “so there was a serious point to this conversation after all. You are wrong, though, Edmund. She is not smitten, and I have not been encouraging her. She actually started to cry yesterday when I told her I should not kiss her. She was hurt that I would think she wanted such a thing. You need have no worries on that score.”

His brother looked incredulously at him. “You told her that you should not kiss her,” he said. “Meaning, I suppose, that you had worked yourself and her into a happily romantic mood in which a kiss seemed the obvious next step?”

“Yes, well, you know,” Lord Eden said, “we were down in the valley, Edmund, and nothing would do but everyone else had to cross the stepping-stones to the other side. Susan would not go across. I had to stay with her. What else could I have done? It was deuced quiet and shady down there, and Susan is such a pretty little thing. I would have had to be made of stone not to want to kiss her. But she did not want to be kissed, so no harm was done.”

“Dom,” Lord Amberley said, “are you two-and-twenty or twelve years of age? What did you expect her to say? ‘Please'? Any self-respecting female would have reacted just as she did if a man said that he should not kiss her. Any woman with any pride, that is. Of course she wanted to be kissed, numbskull. And now she probably wants it more than ever. You are both playing hard to get, but I don't believe you even realize the fact.”

“That's utter nonsense!” Lord Eden said uneasily. “I wouldn't trifle with Susan's feelings. And I can't marry her.”

“Because she is the daughter of a tenant farmer?” his brother asked. “It would not be the most advantageous match imaginable, it is true. And many people would look askance. But you have a comfortable fortune, Dom. If she is what you want, marriage is not impossible.”

“Yes, it is,” Lord Eden said, staring fixedly ahead. “I have other plans.”

“The army?” Lord Amberley asked.

“That too,” his brother said. “But I was referring to other plans. I am still determined to free you, Edmund, as I said I would when we were still in London. I still plan to marry Miss Purnell myself.”

“Indeed?” Lord Amberley broke a short silence. “And what does Alex have to say to this, Dom?”

“She has not said no,” Lord Eden said. “I have every hope that she will say yes if she can just get over the feeling that she will be acting dishonorably to break off her engagement to you. You could talk to her, Edmund. And you need not feel as you did in London that you must do the noble thing for my sake since you are the elder brother. I want to marry Miss Purnell. I love her. I think.”

“I see,” Lord Amberley said quietly. “I seem to be standing in the way of a mutually happy match, then.”

“Yes,” Lord Eden said, glancing at him uneasily again, “you are, Edmund.”

They turned into Amberley park and rode side by side in silence.

“You are not offended?” Lord Eden blurted at last. “This will be the best outcome for all three of us, will it not? You will be free again, and Miss Purnell and I will marry according to our inclination.”

“If you say so,” Lord Amberley said. “Don't forget, though, that I am betrothed to the lady. Until there is some announcement to the contrary, I am committed to that relationship. And to protecting her honor. Be careful, Dom. Don't do anything to compromise that honor. Not again.”

Lord Eden winced. “Admit you will be happy to be released,” he said.

Lord Amberley smiled rather grimly. “My feelings at least are my own private property, Dom,” he said. “We will leave this topic of conversation for now, if you please.”

Lord Eden glanced at him, not feeling quite the hero he had expected to feel at this moment.

“There is another thing,” Lord Amberley said as they began to ride down the slope into the valley.

His brother groaned.

“About the army,” the earl said. “When are you planning to buy your commission, Dom?”

“Eh?” Lord Eden looked with some surprise at the other. “You know Mama would have an apoplexy if I did, Edmund. Though Miss Purnell has been helping me build my courage. I shall have to prepare Mama very carefully over the winter. Perhaps next spring.”

“Perhaps Bonaparte will be defeated by next spring,” Lord Amberley said. “Why not sooner, Dom? If you really are determined to go, Mama and Madeline must face your leaving sooner or later anyway.”

“Yes.” Lord Eden glanced uneasily at his brother. “I have to make the decision, don't I? I am no longer a boy. But I don't want you to be caught in the middle, Edmund. I don't want you speaking up for me and incurring Mama's wrath. Worse, if I should be killed”—he drew a deep breath and kept his eyes fixed on the road ahead—“if I should be killed, I don't want you blamed at all.”

“I would not dream of treating you as a child and arguing for you to either Mama or Madeline,” Lord Amberley said. “But once your decision is made, Dom, and once you have spoken to them, I shall support you. If they come to me asking me to plead with you, I shall tell them I am more proud of my brother than I ever thought to be.”

“Really?” Lord Eden's face had brightened to boyish eagerness. “You would not think me irresponsible, Edmund?”

“Irresponsible?” Lord Amberley said. “To give up your comfort and your safety to fight for your country against tyranny and oppression, Dom? To be willing to give up your very life? I am consumed with admiration.”

Lord Eden grinned at him and turned his horse out of the roadway as they reached the valley. “I am going for a gallop down to the beach,” he said. “I shall see you later, Edmund.”

Lord Amberley watched him go, feeling as if he had a lead weight in his stomach. Dominic and Alex! She had not said no, Dom had said. He thought she would say yes if she were free to do so.

She was officially his betrothed, and he was not even free to flatten his brother and relieve him of his front teeth for such words. He had already promised to let her go after the ball the following week. Not just to allow her to break off their engagement, but to do it himself if he was not convinced by that time that she would be happy with him or that there was a reasonable chance that he could make her happy.

It would be terrible enough to let her go and see her disappear from his life. It would be dreadful beyond words to see her the bride of his own brother. And the happy bride. Dom seemed to think that it would be a mutually happy union.

Well, then. So be it.

Lord Amberley turned his horse in the direction of the house. He would not even be able to be assured that she was safe and secure. She would be the wife of a soldier. Perhaps even in Spain following the drum. Somehow he could not imagine Alex married to a soldier and sitting comfortably at home while he risked his life every day. She was just the sort of woman who would go, too.

And he loved her. He had known it surely for several days. He had known at least that he had a physical passion for her, that he desired her. Perhaps it was only as a result of the previous day's conversation that he had also learned to appreciate her character, the strength of purpose that made her want to stand alone rather than be protected from the nastier side of life.

Perhaps it was only now, today, that he could fully love her. And he did. She was today as necessary to him as the air he breathed, even more necessary to him than the beloved home he was approaching.

Damn Dominic! And damn his stupid sense of honor that would not let him remove those teeth and break his brother's nose and a few ribs for good measure! Lord Amberley felt a vicious and quite uncharacteristic need to punish someone.

L
ORD
E
DEN FOUND
M
ADELINE
in the conservatory an hour later. He almost did not see her. She was hidden behind a large fern. Only the movement of her hand as she pulled the needle through the cloth she was embroidering betrayed her presence.

“Here you are, Mad,” he said. “I have been searching for you everywhere. What on earth are you doing sitting so quietly here on your own?”

“Sewing,” she said, without looking up.

“I can see that, you goose,” he said. “But why alone like this and hidden from view?”

She shrugged. “It's a horrid day,” she said. “I don't feel like going out.”

He seated himself on the window seat beside her and looked at her searchingly. “What is it?” he asked. “And don't say, ‘Nothing,' as you are about to do. We can see through each other's lies in a glance; you know that.”

She jabbed her needle into the cloth and set down her work in a heap beside her. “I am so unhappy, Dom,” she said.

He reached out and took her hand in his. “I thought you were rather enjoying yourself,” he said. “Forbes seems very taken with you, and you were busy flirting with him during the picnic yesterday. I expected to hear that you are head over ears in love—again.” He grinned.

But she did not look up to see his expression. “He kissed me,” she said.

“And that is cause for such misery?” Lord Eden said. “You didn't like it, I gather. That is no matter for grand tragedy, Mad. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. What about Jennings?”

“It was Mr. Purnell who kissed me,” she said.

“Oh.” He sat beside her silently for a while and then squeezed her hand. “Do you want to tell me about it, Mad?”

“He hates me,” she said. “I don't know why, Dom. I have never done anything to offend him. Well, I have said a few nasty things, I suppose, but they have been a result of the hatred I feel in him, not the cause of it.”

“‘Hate' is a pretty strong word,” Lord Eden said with a frown.

“I know,” she said. “But I chose the word with care, Dom. He hates me. I can tell every time he looks at me or talks to me. I don't know how I was trapped into being alone with him yesterday. I have been trying to avoid him. But somehow it happened.”

“And he kissed you,” Lord Eden said. “You are not making much sense, Mad. That does not sound like the action of a man who hates you.”