The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (11 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A bum finds a five-dollar bill in the street. He decides to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of white wine. After knocking back the booze the bum falls into a drunken stupor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later, a passing gay guy happens upon the sprawled body of the bum. Not having greased the pole for a while, the queer whips down the bum’s pants and gives him one up the butt. As the rear gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks five bucks into the tramp’s hand.

Upon waking up the next day, the bum discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune, he rushes back to the liquor store and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same butt pirate passes the alleyway and sees the bum. Unable to contain himself, the butt plugger divests the tramp of his shorts and gives him another ass stretching. Again he leaves five bucks out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the bum discovers another fiver in his hand and so hurries back to the liquor store. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the bum’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time, to which the bum responds, “I like the white wine but it just makes my ass so fucking sore.”

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes in and says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”

The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

The woman says, “A hermaphrodite. What’s that?”

The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female.”

The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?”

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?

A. Stand back; I don’t know how big this thing gets!

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”

She frowned and said, “The postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong slot.”

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious type with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordi nary-looking dildo. The busi nessman laughed and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form. Before the door split, the old man said, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but finally surrendered to $500.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She stripped off, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”

The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A traffic policeman saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and said, “Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis, my ass...”