The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (30 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man.

The man says, “Your hair smells good today.”

The woman then says, “Yeah, OK.”

The next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, and again he says, “Your hair smells good today.”

By this time the girl was getting freaked out, so she went to the police station and told the police that she wanted to report the man on the street for harassment.

The policeman says, “OK, but what has he done?”

The lady says, “Well, everyday I go the same way home and I run into the man and he says that my hair smells good.”

“Madam, I don’t see a problem with that. He is just being nice,” the officer says.

The woman gets mad and says, “Well, it’s harassment when he is only waist high.”

Jim Morrison is in one corner of a hotel room with the rest of his band, and in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr. All are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment, then moves on to his guitarist, drummer and keyboard player.

When she’s finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there’s a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts . . . .

“Oi, you’re only supposed to blow the Doors off!”

Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?

A. 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.

One morning in December, a happily married couple rises from their night’s rest. The husband rolls over to his beautiful wife and asks how her night was.

She replies, “It was great! I had the best dream in the world.”

Intrigued, the husband urges her to go on.

“Well, I had a dream that I had the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree ever! It was covered with cocks: big ones, long ones, hard ones, smooth ones, every kind of dick you could imagine.”

The husband, now gloating a little asks, “Was mine at the top for the shining star?”

“No, yours was at the bottom with the broken, wrinkly, tiny ones. How was your night, honey?”

Now pissed off, he replies, “Well, my dream was even better than yours! I dreamed that we had a Christmas tree decorated with the most beautiful vaginas ever: tight ones, pink ones, smooth ones, every kind of vagina.”

“Was mine at the top for your shining star?”

Then the husband replies, “No, yours was holding up the fucking tree!”

A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.

“But I don’t know how to hear confessions,” said the altar boy.

“It’s easy,” said the priest. “You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference.”

So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.

“Father, I don’t know what to do,” the man said. “Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her.”

“That’s easy,” said the altar boy. “Just give her milk and cookies like the priest gives me.”

One day a priest went out to his farm to check his hens, but to his surprise there was no rooster! During mass he asked, “Has anyone here seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

He then said, “I mean, has anyone got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

He said, “No, no, I mean has anyone seen a cock that does not belong to them?”

Half the women stood up.

“No, no, no, I mean has anyone seen my cock?”

All the choir boys stood up!

Little Johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and says, “I have to piss.”

The teacher says, “Now, Johnny, the proper word is ‘urinate’ and while you’re in the bathroom I want you to think of a sentence that has the word ‘urinate’ in it.”

So Johnny goes, does his thing and comes back and the teacher asks, “Well, Johnny, did you think of a sentence?”

He says, “Yes...urinate, and if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.”