The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (41 page)

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning the American returned and placed his order. That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter promptly replied, “Si, señor! Sometimes the bull wins!

When nuns are admitted to heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter. “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” asks St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest took a look and nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

A man was in a terrible accident and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather have a new kitchen.”

Doctors say penis is the greatest breakfast because it has a mushroom head, a hotdog, two eggs and cream, which provides all the nutrients necessary to make a woman healthy.

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy, so since the water wasn’t that deep, he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put both front legs into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, and then SPLASH—he fell in.

The moral of the story: The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!