The Girl in My Dreams (19 page)

“I can’t?” I asked, for reassurance.

“It’s totally safe in here. It’s
your
dream, remember? You can dream up anything, and it will appear or happen,” she said.

“Close your eyes,” I said, as her words popped an idea into my head.

Obliging, she did, and I squinted mine hard and crafted something out of the moon for her. I cut it into a heart, and the slices of my imagination created a quickly dissipating dust cloud all around it.
Theo + Belle
, I wrote on the surface, and the masterpiece was now complete.

“Open,” I said, and as she did, I pointed up.

“Theo,” she gasped.

“Do you like it?” I asked.

“I love it,” she said, with a soft voice.

“Remember when I was a kid—”

“And you wanted to get me the moon because I had that book and was obsessed with learning about it,” she said.

“You remember,” I said.

“We might’ve grown apart for a while, but I never forgot anything between us,” she said, looking at me.

“I love you, Belle,” I said, with all the emotion my heart could muster.

“I know you do, Theo. I love you to the moon and back,” she said.

As I looked at her beautiful face, something hit me and I didn’t know why. I was a little sad all of a sudden. Hearing her talk about our childhood and how she always remembered everything just made me realize that it was all gone. Well, she was still here, kind of, but nothing would ever come of it. We could visit each other here, and I could count on her always being here, but I’d never get to see her walk down the aisle, or have a family with her, or grow old with her. This was it—forever.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Fine,” I replied with a half-assed smile.

“It’s almost time to go,” she said.

“Same time tomorrow?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, before leaning in and giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

She soon faded away and I was left waking up inside my bedroom, where the journey for the night had started. I sat up, my back against my headboard, and felt a bit bummed out as I tried to think of what my next move should be. Giving up on her, and not seeing her anymore, wasn’t even an option in my mind. Maybe Martin was right about this, but maybe he wasn’t. I knew I could miss out on so many things, but what if she was worth it? After all, we’d have eternity together.

I got up and walked to the window, seeing the string still there between our bedroom windows. It was slightly tattered, and likely to break under pressure sometime soon, but it was still standing. Was this a sign—a metaphor—or just a piece of string?

Outside, I could see Paul walk out to his truck and pull out of the driveway. I wondered how he and Leah were holding up with all of this. Maybe I should go over there this weekend and talk to them. I knew it might not be the most comfortable thing in the world, but my mom seemed to think it would be therapeutic in some way. I guess going over was the only way I’d ever find out.

I was slightly scared as I stood outside of Paul and Leah’s house later that weekend. The sun had come out and the gloomy weather had subsided for the time being, and I wasn’t sure if I should take that as some kind of sign or not. I rang the doorbell and heard footsteps inside. Leah opened the door.

“Oh, Theo, I’m so glad you could come over,” she said, inviting me inside.

“Me too, Leah,” I said as she gave me a hug.

I took off my jacket and snowy shoes before Paul came down the stairs and greeted me with a firm handshake. They both looked a little nervous, which made me feel a little bit better, as I knew that I might be in better shape than they were about this meeting. In fact, I wasn’t really too sure why we were having one anyway.

“So, I heard you wanted to talk with me about something?” I asked as we sat down on the couch.

“Yeah, we just wanted to see how you were doing with everything and to talk a bit about the accident, if you’re up for it,” Paul said.

“I suppose I’m doing about as well as possible considering the circumstances,” I said.

I wanted nothing more than to tell them about their daughter being alive, at least in some way, but I held back. I worried what that kind of information could do to them. They weren’t ready, and I knew it. They would likely think I was crazy, and then Dr. Grier would rear her head up and I’d never get out of therapy. Even if they didn’t think I was crazy, I knew it would weigh on them emotionally. Besides, I didn’t even know how Belle felt about all this. She might just want to visit them on her own and have them think they were just dreaming and that she wasn’t really there.

“I just also wanted to thank you for being you, Theo. When you and Belle started to reconnect and become friends again, I know it meant so very much to her. She was happier and always in a better mood, and when you two started to date, it totally changed everything about her,” Leah said.

“I don’t like to say it much because I’m protective of my baby girl, but you did a fine job taking care of her. You never mistreated her and I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart how very much that means to me,” Paul said.

“She was . . . everything to me, and I never would’ve dreamed about hurting her or mistreating her,” I said, clearing my throat.

“Have you gone to the site yet?” Leah asked.

“No, I haven’t. I’m not sure I can,” I said.

The crash site was a taboo subject for me. Martin and my mom had already asked me about it and whether I wanted them to take me there, but I had refused. Could I handle seeing the spot where she took her last breath? I wasn’t sure that I could, quite honestly.

“There’s a nice memorial set up there for all the victims of the crash,” Paul said.

“Can I ask you something without offending either of you?” I asked.

“Sure,” Paul said hesitantly.

“How are you both so composed and good right now?” I asked.

They looked at each other, as if communicating telepathically, as I waited for a response.

“She’s not coming back, and we’ve come to terms with that. With a lot of counsel from religious and professional sources, we’ve come to realize that all we have left is her beautiful memory and the essence of life that she left behind for everybody. That doesn’t mean that we don’t miss her or wish with every fiber of our being that she was here today, but we also have to understand and realize that no matter how hard we wish, how hard we pray, she’s not coming back,” Paul said.

“It’s still very hard for us, Theo, and I don’t want you to think that we’re all good and ready to move on with life, because we’re not. We’re very much still broken and mourning the loss of our baby girl, but at the same time you have to accept reality for what it really is sometimes. Our reality is this, right here, and right now,” Leah said.

“I admire you both. I wish I could be half as brave and strong as you two are right now,” I said.

“Just don’t give up on her memory. Always think of the good times, and realize that she’s out there looking down on all of us right now. It might not be as good as her sitting here with us, but it’s something to cling to,” Paul said.

I knew he had no idea about her, and what I knew, but his words stuck with me. Maybe Martin was wrong, and maybe I was wrong earlier when I thought that it would never be as good as something physical. I almost wanted to give up on it all, but Paul’s words made me realize that there was no point. She was something to cling to, even if she was only in my dreams. Why not give it a chance? I didn’t need anybody else besides her. No other girl would make me feel the way she made me feel, even in my dreams.

After about an hour or so talking, they told me they had a fund-raising meeting to go to, and I said good-bye to them before going home.

Back in my room, I unlocked my phone and looked at the picture of Belle and me together on the night of the winter formal. As I touched the screen and zoomed in a little on her face, I knew that she was all that I’d ever need in life. Nobody else came close.

•••

Three months had passed since my meeting with Paul and Leah. Spring was upon us and the snow that had taken Belle’s life had melted and was giving life to thousands of plants and animals. That was how I liked to think about it, anyway.

Our adventures had been so plentiful and rich, and I didn’t see them coming to an end anytime soon. We explored the land, sea, skies, and even space, which was my personal favorite. We even visited a few other people’s dreams, including Martin’s again as he reigned over his candy kingdom. I still didn’t quite know what prompted that, but it was pretty rich nevertheless.

Things without Belle around had become easier in the real world. I wouldn’t say that people forgot about her or the others, but the accident wasn’t really talked about much. Something that shocked so many lives when it happened was now just a moment in history that some people tried to forget. It wasn’t that they didn’t all care, but I guess life just sort of takes over. With college trips and graduation upon us, it just fell back a little in their minds.

It even fell back a little in my mind as well. I thought that was because I saw her every single night—even if it was for a short while, anyway. It was like things never really changed, so I didn’t notice as often when she wasn’t here in the real world. I really only did when other people brought it up, which admittedly wasn’t all that often.

The student council had already begun to advertise ticket sales for prom, which I felt was a little bit early, considering it was only March. I guess they wanted to make sure there was a large turnout, even though the prom was still two months away. I had no plans of going, even though Martin was already bringing up how fun it would be. He said it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but I just didn’t really see the appeal. It seemed like it would be no different than the winter formal.

A girl handed out fliers as Martin and I sat at our lunch table and ate.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Looks like a prom one,” I said.

“It’s a fund-raiser to secure some venue from the looks of it,” he said.

After Belle’s passing, Martin and I snuck away from her lunch table and went back to sitting by ourselves. It didn’t seem right to be with her friends, seeing as they were mostly her friends. We had nothing in common with them and they had nothing to say to us, so we just cut our losses and moved away.

“I think I’m going to get a job,” I said before popping a tater tot in my mouth.

“Where at?” he asked.

“There’s this Asian restaurant opening not too far away,” I said.

“Oh yeah, I saw that place the other day. Maybe I’ll try too,” he said.

“But you’re going away to college,” I said.

“I could use some spending money before I go. Besides, we need to hang as much as possible before I leave. Have you thought about going anywhere?” he asked.

“Eh, not really. Belle wanted me to, at least someday, but I’m not sure when that day will come,” I said.

“You could always try community college. Get your gen eds out of the way and then maybe transfer after that. It’s cheap to go, and if you decide not to get the four-year degree, you’ll still have a two-year one,” Martin said.

“Maybe I’ll look into it,” I said.

“You should. I think it would be good for you. You’re going to visit me, right? I’ll only be like two hours away,” he said.

“Only if I get to change my name so nobody knows who I am,” I said, smiling.

“What should I call you, then?” he asked.

“Kip Withington,” I said randomly.

“Okay, Kip,” he said, laughing.

“And you’ll be my business associate, Maurice NaGrie,” I said.

“No. We
aren’t
doing that,” he said, with a less-than-enthusiastic expression.

Truthfully, I was a bit bummed that Martin was leaving me to go to college. I was happy for him, don’t get me wrong, and I knew he’d kill it, but I didn’t really have anybody else in my life to count on. Maybe if I got this job, or any job for that matter, I could make new friends, but what if I didn’t? I’d never been the most social person out there. I guess it was a bridge I’d soon have to cross. I just hoped it could support me.

Martin and I parted ways after lunch as I was off to business, and he had to go to French. I was back to the mundane, reading about tariffs and marketing in different countries. Maybe that was what I should do with my life. Maybe I should become a businessman or entrepreneur. You didn’t need to go to college to do that. I knew it probably sounded stupid, but it was all I had right now.

I tapped my pencil on my notebook and took notes as I tried to focus on the words in front of me. Yup, I definitely didn’t think I was cut out for this school stuff.

“I could stare into your eyes forever,” I said as her green eyes stared back at me.

“Stop! You’re going to make me blush,” she said.

“Too late,” I replied, as I could see her cheeks turn a soft shade of pink.

“You’ve always been a sweet talker,” she said.

“Only with you,” I replied.

“Nobody else?” she asked.

“Nobody. Not ever,” I replied.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, sitting up.

“I was just asking, Theo,” she said, as if to defuse the situation.

“I don’t need anything or anyone else,” I said.

“Maybe we should just drop it for now,” she said.

“Fine. Let’s just enjoy being together for the little time we have,” I said.

“I want to do something real,” she said.

“We’re in a dream, Belle,” I said with a smile.

“I know that, but I want it to feel like real life, you know? Like going somewhere where other people are,” she said.

“Like where?” I asked.

“Like the formal,” she said.

“The what?” I asked, with a bit of shock.

“I know it sounds silly, but trust me?” she asked.

“But why?” I asked.

“Because it was one of the happiest nights and moments of my life, Theo. I loved dancing with you and being with you that night. I want to hold on to that memory. I want
you
to hold on to it,” she said, as she put her hand on my heart.