The Glorious Becoming (40 page)

The truth was treacherous. It would leave a part of him exposed, which could come back to haunt him later. It would be more advantageous if he just made something up. But Nicole deserved better. “She was murdered.”

A pained breath escaped Natalie’s lips; her eyebrows pulled together.

How could she ever understand? Natalie hadn’t come from
Novosibirsk
—she’d come from a good place. She didn’t know darkness like The Machine. Darkness like him. “There’s a lot about me that’s hard to understand. In a lot of ways,
Novosibirsk
made me who I am.” Confession without confession. The only way he could say it. “At some point, you’re going to see that. When that happens, I hope you can forgive me.”

She placed her hand gently atop his leg. There was nothing ulterior about the gesture. It just seemed out of sympathy.

“There’s a very dark side to me, Natalie. Losing Nicole changed my life. She was my everything. Everyone has his demons. I’m not arrogant enough to think mine are the worst, but they’re good at what they do.” Looking her in the eyes for the first time, he spoke purposefully. “If you forget everything about tonight, everything we talked about, everything we joked about, I want you to remember this one thing. At some point, you’re going to see the worst side of me. When that happens, captain, know that I’m so sorry.”

She’d begun to tear up halfway through his words. Snuffling in hard, she wiped her eyes, then reached for his hand. She said nothing. She didn’t need to. Her touch conveyed everything she couldn’t find the words to say.

It killed him to know the sincerity of the sympathy she was lending him. She thought he was apologizing for how he’d behave on the battlefield, or how Nicole’s loss would show in his actions. She didn’t know it would be for betraying her.

Moaning embarrassingly, she wiped her eyes again and looked away. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get emotional. That’s just...” She shook her head. “I’m just so sorry for your loss.” The words came out awkwardly. It was the only way she seemed able to end the conversation.

The jeep was the last Scott saw of Natalie that night. After a span of silence, she apologized and explained that she needed a few minutes to herself. Scott knew what she meant: she didn’t want him to see her let it all out. He respected that, thanked her for dinner, then bid her good night.

For Scott, the day had come to a close. What had started as a call to General Thoor’s Throne Room had taken him to
Cairo
, to the Caracals, and into the role of wolf in sheep’s clothing. It was a day that felt like forever. He was glad for it to end.

Scott shaved before he went to bed. His desire to look rough-around-the-edges was gone.

* * *

T
HUMP
.

Esther sat on her bottom bunk with her knees propped up. Head leaning against the headrest, the scout stared at the open pages of a novel. It was Gothic romance—her favorite genre. She’d had the book open for over an hour; she had yet to turn a page. Eyes solemn and distant, she stared through the book as if it wasn’t even there.

Thump.

Esther had woken from her inebriated slumber to the same darkness she’d fallen asleep to. At the time, Boris had been absent from the room, though now he sat atop his own bunk, tossing a tennis ball methodically against the wall, catching it, then repeating. More relevant to Esther, however, was Jayden’s whereabouts. She hadn’t seen the Texan since going to bed. It was 2300 hours, and he still hadn’t returned. And that was all she could think about.

Thump.

For the first time since the first day she’d set foot in
Novosibirsk
, a man not named Scott Remington was at the forefront of Esther’s mind. A man whom she’d kissed. On several occasions since the incident, her fingers had hovered over the queue button of her comm, tuned to Jayden’s private frequency. But she couldn’t press the button in. She was afraid.

Thump.

She had taken a shower immediately upon waking, during the course of which the all-too-real details of the afternoon slowly returned to her—Route 66, the conversations she and Jayden had had, and most significantly, her moment of alcohol-inspired intimacy. In the wake of her mild hangover, it felt like some kind of dream. Yet it was there, caressing her subconscious as if the Texan was right there beside her.

Thump.

Right there beside her.

Thump.

Slamming down her book, Esther said, “For the love of God, Boris, if you throw that ball one more time, I’m going to cram it up your junk.”

The technician stopped.

Esther leaned back again. Worry lines etched around her eyes, she reached over to pick up her comm. She stared at the display, still tuned to Jayden’s line.

The door opened; Esther bolted up in her bed. As Jayden quietly stepped inside, her fixed her eyes on him.

Grinning, Boris said, “Hello, Jay! Where have you been?”

“Hey man,” the Texan mumbled. His downcast gaze remained hidden by his cowboy hat. “I was just walkin’.”

The technician looked at the clock. “That was a long walk.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Hiding her comm behind her pillow, eyes on Jayden the whole while, Esther situated herself upright. Lips parting, she stared as Jayden untied his boots.

Thump.

“Boris!” she screamed.

He put the ball away.

By the time Esther looked back from the distraction, Jayden was already making a beeline for the bathroom, setting his cowboy hat atop his dresser as he passed it. Brow arching painfully, she swallowed as he eased the door shut just enough to leave a small crack. Behind the door, the faucet came on.

Slowly, Esther’s eyes sunk to her lap. Moving her hands there, she played delicately with her fingers as she listened to the distant splashing of water by the sink. For several seconds, the scout did nothing else. Then, she made her move. Pivoting off her bed, she plopped her feet on the floor and stood. “I’m going to brush my teeth,” she said absently to Boris. No time was reserved for the technician to reply. Slipping through the bathroom door, Esther left Boris staring quizzically from his bunk. As soon as she was inside, she pressed her back against the door until it clicked quietly behind her.

Jayden was bent over the sink, arms spread and straight out as if holding himself up. His face was downcast, eye patch removed and sitting on the sink next to him as water droplets fell from his face, forehead, and hands.

A chill struck Esther as Jayden lifted his head, the solid skin of his vacant left socket revealed to her in the reflection of the vanity mirror. He said nothing. No surprise that she’d followed him was indicated. Her back to the door, her hands folded apprehensively behind her back, Esther only breathed as he looked at her in the glass.

Sliding his hand across the counter, Jayden turned off the faucet and grabbed towel. The Texan dried his face before reaching for his eye patch.

“You don’t have to do that,” she said quickly, yet quietly. Jayden paused with eye patch in hand, his good eye shifting purposefully from it to her. “If you don’t want to.” Licking dry lips, she watched for his reaction. Only when there was none did she speak again. “Are you mad at me?”

Tilting his head as if to hone in on her voice, he gave no immediate response. Only after several seconds did he exhale, his shoulders easing down slightly. “Naw.”

She brushed her fingers past her ear. When she spoke, her voice was trembling. “Then please tell me what you’re thinking.”

He shook his head back and forth sweepingly. Hands still spread on the marble rim of the vanity, he stared into the basin. “I know you were drinkin’,” he said quietly. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

Esther pressed her palm to her forehead; she inhaled through her nose.

“You don’t gotta say nothin’.”

“Jay,” she said through a breath of exhaustion. Opening her eyes, she gazed at his reflection. “I have to ask you a question. And I know this is sudden, and I know this is crazy, but I’ve really been thinking about this, and sometimes, I think, life just does crazy things, and the best thing you can do sometimes is just go for it.” His expression changing, Jayden stood upright. Swallowing timidly through pleading eyes, Esther asked, “Would you like to date me?” Jayden turned around; his good eye widened. As Esther held her breath, he strode straight for her.

He only had to go halfway.

No insobriety was involved when Jayden and Esther met in the middle of the bathroom. No sense of inappropriateness came when he took her in his arms. In that moment, as their eyes closed and their lips pressed together, they found themselves in the embrace of someone they knew just enough to know they hardly knew at all. But they found something else, too. Jayden found a woman who didn’t care that he had a broken body and a missing eye. And Esther found a man who, in a single moment, had put a grin on her face bigger than any Scott Remington ever had.

Back in the bedroom, leaning against the shared bathroom wall with his head rested back, Boris slowly smiled. Pushing up from where he’d been listening and with an expression that indicated only a small level of surprise, the curly-haired technician quietly left the room.

* * *

I
T WAS MIDNIGHT
. Natalie Rockwell sat alone outside the garage, rear end sitting on the hood of a parked jeep as her feet rested atop its bumper. She’d been there since her evening with Scott ended. Hands rubbing thoughtfully together, the chestnut-haired captain stared at the sand beneath her. The sounds of nocturnal nature echoed around her.

“What the hell are you doing, Nattie?”

Looking up, Natalie’s emerald eyes found Logan as he approached. The gritty Australian looked exasperated.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Why the hell are you sitting out here?”

Facing away until her hair blocked his view of her, she stared off in the distance. “I’m just sitting, Logan.”

Stopping by the jeep, Logan’s hands went to his hips. “At twelve o’clock at night, by yourself, outside in the cold.” When she didn’t respond, he went on. “How did the date go?”

Natalie looked down and sighed. “It wasn’t a
date
, and it went. What do you want to hear?”

Cocking his head peculiarly, Logan asked, “He do something to upset you?”

“No.”

The sounds of night enveloped them again. After several seconds of it endured, Logan exhaled in disgust. “You’re smitten with him.”

“Lo, go inside.”

“For God’s sake, Nat. This is the first day you’ve met him.”

Running her hand through her hair, she shot him a glare. “I’m out here because I want to be alone. You’re defeating that purpose. Go back inside.”

“He’s affected you, hasn’t he?”

“Argh!” She hopped down from the jeep. “I can think of a thousand other people I’d rather talk about this to. Will you leave me alone?”

Chiseled features revealing disapproval, Logan followed as she tried to retreat. “Turn around and talk to me.”

She spun to face him. “I’m twenty-seven years old, Logan. What do I have to show for it? A career?”

“For God’s sake, Nat, he’s your subordinate.”

“I don’t need a lecture. There’s nothing going on. We went out, we had a good chat about the unit, now I’m back.”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding accusingly, “and you’re sitting in the desert. That’s real normal.”

Her glare was unrelenting. “Can I tell you something without you going off the deep end? Tonight was surreal. The guy’s from my home state. He knows
Reginald Custer
.”

Surprise struck the Australian. “You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not. I couldn’t script something this perfect. Tonight was amazing. And you know what? Yeah, I’m wondering. I’m human.”

“Veck, Nattie.”

“It’s like this guy walked out of my dreams,” she said, pointing for emphasis. “He is so everything I always pictured myself with, it’s actually a little eerie. And yeah, it’s day one, and yeah, he’s my subordinate, but damn it, Logan. It’s like I created this guy with my mind.”

Logan shook his head. “I can guarantee you this guy’s not perfect.”

“Oh, I know,” she said. “He told me as much. Which makes him
more
perfect. You can’t appreciate this because you’re a man, but it’s like this guy jumped out of a romance novel. He’s heroic, he’s charming, he’s disarming, he’s mysterious. Oh, and he happens to be one of the sexiest looking men I’ve ever seen.” She turned to walk away, only to stop and turn back. “You know what’s sitting on his nightstand? A photo of his fiancée. By the way, she
died
last year, but he’s still in love with her.” She threw her hands up. “Who’s like that in this era, Logan? That is so utterly attractive and incredible, I don’t even know how to comprehend it.” She turned in disgust. “This kind of situation would so happen to me. I’m in the ideal position to
not
be able to take advantage of it.”

Following her, he said, “See, this is your problem. You don’t even know this bloke, and you’re already falling for him.”

“I’m not falling for him.”

“I’m sorry, that’s right. You already fell.”

Jaw setting, she turned away.

“First it was me,” Logan said. “Then it was Reg. You fall too fast. There are a million things good about you, but the one thing you suck at is men.” His tone settled. “Take a step back. Give yourself time to know this guy. Don’t do what you always do, which is dive in head first without checking for shallow rocks.”

Natalie opened her mouth to protest. He cut her off by continuing.

“That he seems so perfect should be the biggest red flag. If he’s coming across that way, it’s because he’s hiding something. That’s how we are.”

She pointed. “That’s how
you
are. That’s how Custer is. But he’s not like you or Custer.”

“Oh really? And you know that after one bloody day?”

“I sense it,” she said insistently. “I sense goodness and integrity.”

“It’s easy to sense what you’re desperate to.”

Her lip curled. Raising her fist and opening it as if she were about to say something scathing, she bit back her tongue and snarled. Turning, she walked away again.