The GOD Box (26 page)

“I think things will be okay.” He gave a small smile and exhaled heavily through his nose, “We just might have to explain everything
before
we’re ready… and hopefully they don’t chain us up, too.” With a rub of his thumb he took his hand away from her face and turned and headed to the front of the group that was waiting. What was this new burden he felt? May wondered. It was more than dealing with the council. They were friends with most of those people. Fessing up to their friends was potentially part of the problem.

Jonathan looked back at May, then forward, then back at she and Janey. There was a longing in his eyes, a tiredness, a sadness.
Submissive was even a word May would have used; resigned. The bags under his eyes showed his exhaustion. The whites of his eyes, from what she could see, were bloodshot. As he looked away again, he made special effort to keep his chin up and his eyes forward. Aside from the times May was looking at Janey, she was watching Jonathan. He was struggling. They walked to town, and as they walked, Jonathan was looking back, fighting looking back, having some personal, silent argument. For the first time, May pitied him. She knew she really shouldn’t have avoided him like she had been, that it was childish, but in her mind it was also safety and sanity. Life was more comfortable without worrying about him.

When they were near
er the town, Jonathan seemed to give up and stopped wearily, letting others pass him. Others slowed and looking around the group, wondered if they should do something. He was going in circles; in downward spirals, trying to cope.

As if he’d not been shamed enough
in front of all of them; he was now breaking down. He was bent over with his hands rubbing up and down his legs, trying to take deep breaths. As May watched this, she realized for, truthfully, the first time that this was something she really didn’t understand. And, he was really trying to fight it. May put Janey down. There was nothing she could do. Why did she feel so helpless to this man? Despite all that had happened between her and Jonathan, her heart felt like it was swelling in sympathy. As Dane came through the group and told them to continue walking, May knew it was not her job to comfort him. But she watched, hoping for him to find strength and wanting him to be happy.

This
was Dane’s new burden. What they talked about had connected them with the bondage of pain and guilt. May knew the details of Dane’s history. The things he told her rarely surfaced in his demeanor. She had never seen him in the kind of pain he once described to her. It was interesting to finally see that it was real.

…

              A few months after May and Dane met they were in the bar, talking to the bar tender, both drinking water again. The bartender had said nothing and had given them both water before they even asked. Any time after he would serve someone else, he would come back and talk with them. They were his entertainment and he didn’t mind at all. He enjoyed having someone to talk to. While talking about the upcoming harvest, he got distracted by a pretty girl and that’s when Dane turned to May and asked,

             
“So a water drinker?”

             
May smiled and tipped her glass. After she swallowed she said, “Yeah… when I got pregnant, I stopped, and just never cared to start again. I don’t like the feeling. So you’re a water drinker?” She teased.

             
“Yeah… well… it’s a long story.”

             
May shrugged and waved her fingers to encourage him to go on, and she added, “I don’t think you brought up the subject to leave it there.”

             
Dane smiled, and seemed glad she’d caught on. He said, “let’s go for a walk.” He set his glass down, saying, “thanks James” as he caught the bartender’s eye. May waved to say goodbye and they weaved through the tables and out the door.

             
Now outside, they walked silently through neighborhoods until Dane cleared his throat and said,

“So,
the story explains quite a lot about me.” He paused and took a big breath. “When I was… ten… my younger brother at I were swimming a little ways off of the beach. We were goofing off and pushing each other under, which was just… idiotic… I was bigger and didn’t really think about our strength difference. I pushed him under and held him there for too long. He really started to squirm in a way that scared me to death. I let him up and he coughed and sputtered. He tried to play it off as a joke, because he saw that it had scared me, which was irritating, so I swam back to shore. When he tried to follow me, I could hear his stress and struggle as the tide came in. I looked back and he was gone.”

They had stopped walking and May was looking into the dark brown eyes that were usually bright with energy and hope. He was shaking ever so slightly.

“Oh, God, I hate how it feels even now. The empty ocean; realizing how I’d have to explain what I did; how her youngest son had died, to my mother.”

His hand was clutched to his chest, and though his eyes only watered, he breathed as if he was sobbing. May didn’t know how to help
. She’d never seen a grown man so anxious before. A tear was expelled involuntarily out of the corner of his eye. It was clear that he was trying to calm himself down, but the trauma was too ingrained; he couldn’t seem to shake it from his mind. May took his face in her hands and tried to ground him.

“Dane, answer my questions. What book did we read from today?
… What city are you from? … Where did we just walk from?”

He answered the questions and his breathing slowed.
Dane thanked her, then like a small child, he tuckered out, losing all energy, his head drooping. May was close enough to feel the way his body withered with depression and resigned to the peace of the night.

It took a few minutes
like this before he stood tall again. Without a word he pressed a gentle palm upon May’s back and they kept walking. Then, a few more minutes after that, he was capable to finish and said,

“By the time I was sixteen I was an alcoholic. I knew something was wrong, and that I shouldn’t be like that, and yet I was, and was too far gone to really help myself. Eventually I was able to
after some encouragement from Darian and my mom. I used to stay away because I feared it… but now I think I’ve gotten to the point that I stay away because I want to, and it’s easy most of the time.”

May looke
d up and gave him a half-smile. Then they continued walking in the dark to who knew where, or for how long, walking close enough that they brushed arms as they went - and that warmth was enough for them to feel like they wanted nothing more than to be close to another human being.

…

Dane went and put a hand on his friend’s back as his world fell apart. Jonathan moved to a squat, then sat on the ground, then wrapped his arms around his legs, rocking back and forth. Tears came down May’s face as she realized that Jonathan wasn’t their enemy. Neither was anyone else.

Dane was not able to do much to help the man, and he didn’t want to. He knew the kind of strength it took to fight it, and he wanted to give Jonathan that opportunity. And yet, his mercy and his anxiety for Jonathan meant that in Dane’s own weakness he was trying to will Jonathan’s world back into place.

Dane was talking to him; encouraging him,
“You are capable of doing this. Not all of them, just one. It will help you feel like you’re more in control.”

Jonathan looked up at May again.
This look, however, was of fierce anger. She had turned herself into the personage of his enemy. Whatever it was that was keeping him in bondage, might have been starting to look like her.

Dane beckoned them forward.
May knew that her responsibility right now was to wait for Jonathan to ask for a pill if he chose to do so. Janey with her little soft hand walked right up to Jonathan and pushed away a tear and almost demanded him to be okay. She was good at the comforting thing. Jonathan looked slightly in shock at the childlike kindness. Then, ashamed of his surprise, became even more sullen and resistant. He cleared his throat and stopped his tears. He would not look at May but grumbled, slowly,

“C
ould I have one of my pills?”

May didn’t move. He cleared his throat again,

“Please?”

“Of course, Jonathan. Which kind?”

“Anxiety? Its… um…purple?”

___

As May pulled it out of her pouch, Dane was watching her… then looked away at the skyline behind her, back toward the house. He cocked his head trying to see more clearly. Something was wrong. More bodies were moving around down there than there should have been. Who was down there? Couldn’t be the kids, they were too big. He heard indiscernible screaming and panic and someone running their direction, then running back to the house. Smoke was coming from one corner of the house.

___

“May...” He said with warning in his voice, “I think they’re down there.” Then he took off running. What she saw when she looked back filled her with all of the anxiety from the night before. May had to make a split second decision that a week ago she wouldn’t have even considered. She looked at Jonathan and she looked at Janey, then said,

“Janey, take care of Jonathan. Take him to Tatum’s house, okay?” Tatum was an old woman who lived right at the edge of town. They
could see her house from here. May knew they’d be safe to make it that far. When she took off running, she was way behind Dane. His voice travelled back to her, but was hardly audible, and was not meant for her. When she got closer and saw Darian’s skinny face, she knew that Dane had yelled at him.

Why were they here and not at the trial?
Was it all a trick? How dare they deceive them like that?! What kind of respect or honor does that show? They are no better now and no ruling would land in their favor. It was just stupid!

Tree branches were strewn along the edge of the trail. She went to find one that was a good size that she could wield. Upon finding it, she took off running again, ready to approach the attackers.
Out front there was no one, but she could see between the house and the fields a pair fighting that she could only assume was Dane and Darian. He was trying to explain to Dane what had happened. Dane was arguing back fiercely. May had never heard Dane yell the way he was then.

The
side of the house where the fireplace sat was in flame. Janine was covered in dirt and soot and was trying to tame the fire with surrounding dirt. May didn’t know where the kids were.

May didn’t know how the thoughts of what to do came to her head. She just did what she saw. She took that tree branch and lit it in the flames. A man came out of her house holding Gabe’s pack, undoubtedly filled with
their
“artifacts”. Without hesitation she sent the branch flinging around and smack into his face, embers leeching onto his skin. He screamed. She came around again. Another man, who she realized was Darian, came from behind and wrapped his arms around her arms and torso, so that she couldn’t use the weapon.

He was trying to tell her something, she stopped for just a second to listen.

“We didn’t mean to hurt anyone, or for there to be a fire!”

What kind of idiot would fall for that bull crap? May
thought, still fighting to get free.

Before Dane was able to come and wrestle him to the ground, May got a heavy foot into her abdomen. She doubled up as much as she could with
Darian on her back. Trying quickly to recover, May scrunched up her feet she kicked outward at the man’s face and missed. Dane came up from behind and took Darian from behind her in a headlock until he let go of her. May fell to the ground, and was having a hard time getting her balance. She could tell the burned man was having a hard time seeing out of his left eye. Careful to keep out of sight of his good eye, May danced around, throwing a few kicks into his stomach. He grabbed her hair and she kicked his leg behind the knee and he landed on his knees in the dirt, pulling her with him. Knowing it would seriously hurt her head, she wheeled around to elbow him in the face. In a wrestling match, it was clear she would lose, but since he still had her hair, something needed to be done. Using all her weight, she rammed into him and he tipped over, landing with his rib cage where the still smoldering branch had fallen.

Another scream issued from his mouth and May’s hair was finally free. She threw her body weigh
t on him again when he tried to get up. Scrambling, so that he wouldn’t be able to grab her again, she got up and gave herself some distance. The poor disfigured man was now struggling to get up, the burns must have been taking a toll on him, because certainly May herself was not doing that much damage. When would this end? She wondered. Would it stay like this until someone gave up? This kind of fighting was desperation. As Dane would comment later that evening, “Regardless of whether we’ve seen people who have been trained to fight, it was obvious that we have no experience whatsoever.”

It was really unintelligent fighting
all around. Apparently these gentlemen had no idea what they were getting themselves into. The man with the burns put up a large hand as surrender and cumbered away. Dane was in a heavy fist fight. In reality, May was more concerned about losing the house. But she knew if she could help Dane win faster he could help her put out the fire. Relighting the branch, May took advantage of the opportunity Dane created when he tripped Darian and she held the branch to his arm until he rolled away. When he scampered off toward the field, May and Dane simultaneously ran for the water bucket.

“Inside, inside, inside” May told him. The water sloshed wildly and it was hard to carry it together through the doorway.
They made it to the back corner and threw it at the fire. Blankets that were strewn over the couches were used to smother what was left inside. Outside, the fire was still going. Dane brought out the blankets while May went for another shovel to help Janine smother it in dirt. The combination of both worked. May ran in the house, just in case it had started up again. So far so good. She walked back out, knees quaking.

“I gotta go help the others.” Dane said, “Where’s Janey?”

“Tatum’s. First house as you get into town.”

“Got it.” H
e replied as he took off running.

May looked around at the house
sadly. She put her hands in her pockets and let the residue of ash decorate her hair, her lips, her clothes, her eyelashes. The hole in the house held her gaze. There was nothing they could have done to predict that.

Her mother tried
the sympathy route, to let her know that they didn’t hurt the family, and the fire was an accident. May looked at Janine, annoyed. Those men deserved no excuse.

Maybe it would have been smarter to let them run on with the few things they took and saved
more of the house. The more she thought about it, the more it killed her to think that they let the house be partially destroyed for some dried fruit and playing cards. It was going to make her sick if it was nothing more than that which they fought for. So repulsed by the idea, she didn’t even want to look.

Nothing good, ultimately, came out of that day.
Granted, they had saved the house in decent condition. When Dane, Thomas, Samson, and Miek returned with Janey and Jonathan, they were sour. All Dane seemed capable of doing was walking around slowly with his hands on his hips and his head to the ground, sighing, rethinking, wondering. An hour or so passed as he did this before he looked at May and asked if she’d be able to sleep tonight. Truth was that she never knew when she was going to sleep. She told him that she didn’t know. He knew that by now, but May supposed it was simply because he felt like he should say something.

Jonathan sat in his usual chair, but h
e didn’t stay there long, which was weird, but got up to go sleep a few feet away on the floor in the farthest corner behind the oven.

May was going over what was told to her about what happened in town.
While Thomas was in charge, he did exactly what he was supposed to. But, before Dane could arrive and give the evidence of the theft, the decision was made, the plea of guilt was accepted as valid and all they could assume that that was precisely the goal. Thomas noticed the rush of things in the procedure, but didn’t want to assume anything was more wrong than Jonathan’s break down. So, naturally Thomas was really angry, first with himself, then with the utter unfairness of the situation. Unlike Dane, he was very verbal about everything, trying to validate himself with repeating the story and any details he could remember over and over again.

“It was like the council already had made a decision, like they had swayed them to their side before this even started!” He said vehemently.
“It was fine that we pleaded guilty. That wasn’t the issue… just that they didn’t deserve it. That we could have gotten off if we knew. So, now, we have to share the things we found with them. Ugh! They would have won anyway! Why did they do that?”

“Maybe they were afraid the council of our peers would have voted the other way? Or that we would hold something back?”
May suggested.

Thomas snorted and sent vicious looks to the ground.
Eventually everyone told him to shut up. Now he was sitting and talking to May, while Dane was sitting silently. When Dane
did
arrive to testify against them, the council agreed to amend their original judgment.

“So now, they expect us to hold up our end,
and just give them the artifacts we took from the city.” He added. “At least we didn’t have to resort to our second option and give away our future information.”

Dane pitched in, “We don’t have to share anything with them. We can call another council and figure that out.
It was biased. I don’t think they’ll try to come back for a while – even to get the artifacts. I think they’re probably pretty embarrassed about the whole situation. I would be.”

Thomas went back to threatening the ground with his eyes, rocking back and forth from his feet to his buttocks.

Along with recent stress, May could see another weariness in Dane. Old emotions were re-surfacing. She was concerned… no, concerned wasn’t the word, she was sympathizing. And, yes, he knew exactly what he was doing in re-visiting those feelings and what he was capable of, even in darkness. Yet, he might use a friend. Dane looked over at her and asked, “How are you?”

“Bruised, tired.”

He nodded, “Me too.” He even smiled a little. “Something seems wrong. I just realized the other day, talking to Jonathan, how much we’re missing, and we can’t even comprehend it.”

May caught his eyes for an extended period of time, as if she was trying to understand something and show her empathy at the same time
, while having a conversation about an almost completely different subject. She didn’t think she was getting the message across, but said, “I feel that way, too.”

“Like what?” Thomas
interrupted.

“Everything… but we don’t know really what it is and how to define it. That’s
the biggest part of the problem.” Then he quoted Ellis, “It is not what we cannot see that is the problem; that’s not the worst darkness. It’s what we
may
see, but don’t even know that we should try.”

May
grimaced thoughtfully, giving up her attempt at telepathy and zoning out at the wall, “I did a lot of reading last night, we may have the answer available to us. I still don’t know what it is… but I’m working on it.”

Thomas seemed intrigued, but wasn’t so much the philosophical type. He was the political type, the type that decided on an answer even if it wasn’t perfect because it inspired desired change. He was
more like the, ‘tell me when you figure out the answer, then I’ll figure out what to do with it’ type. With May’s admission of not knowing, he got up to go inside.

“By the way, Jonathan is watching you guys like crazy.”

Holding up her hands carelessly, May replied, “As long as he’s more becoming more approachable, it’s not bothering me. I don’t even care if he heard that.”

When Thomas went into the house Jonathan came out, but didn’t sit.