The Golden Space (5 page)

Tonight he seemed more apprehensive than usual. She lit a cigarette and pushed the ivory cigarette box across the table to him; Chane, too, was a secret smoker. He shook his head. “I must ask you something, Josepha. I’ve been putting it off. May I be open with you?” His deep voice was subdued.

“Of course.”

He put his hands in front of him, palms down on the dark wood. “I must tell you something first. As you know, I was married in my previous life and had a family. You have undoubtedly guessed that my relations with them left something to be desired.”

She nodded, not knowing what to say.

“My wife was an intelligent, educated woman and I thought enough of her to make her one of my advisors. We married late in life, in our thirties. We agreed on everything, almost never fighting. After our children were born, I began to feel that she became more demanding, that instead of helping me, she was distracting me. I began to blame her for everything that went wrong, and took to spending more time away from her. It probably seems a familiar story. Eventually, we separated. I was very bitter about it.”

“Chane, why are you telling me this? You don’t have to justify yourself to me.”

“But I want you to understand this before I make my request. It took a long time for me to see that much of this was my fault. I was telling myself how important my ministry was; my country was in a very difficult period then and I couldn’t take the time for personal problems.”

“Wasn’t it true?”

“Of course it was,” he replied. “It’s no excuse. Work is a wonderful thing, especially demanding work. It means you have a good excuse for not trying to solve your personal problems, for avoiding them, for taking and not giving because the work is more important than anything.”

“Well, sometimes it is, isn’t it?” She stubbed out her cigarette, spilling some ashes on the table.

“Oh, sometimes. Very rarely. The world is moved by historical forces, by certain developments, by things we don’t control.”

“The Transition changed things, and that was the result of scientific research by a few people.”

Chane finished his brandy and lit a cigarette. “A transition of some sort was bound to happen anyway, events were moving toward one. It was a more complex situation than you imply. The world was already changing and the biologists only hastened it. Look at them now. What can they really do?”

Josepha shook her head. “You’re wrong, Chane. Here we are with this project. You’re saying it won’t make any difference at all, but you’re here just the same. You’re contradicting—”

“No, you don’t hear what I’m saying.” His voice was firm. “There is only one way people can influence the future and that is by the quality of their relationships with others, the ways in which they treat people, caring about them and showing it constructively. Sharing what you might learn with someone, loving someone, raising a child to be both inquisitive and compassionate. There is no one more powerless than a person who has the power to intervene—you either become driven by it and by forces you don’t understand, holding it at whatever cost, or you realize that all you can do is be a moral and rational example, a symbol, perhaps, of something better. Or you run away in the end, as I did.”

Chane paused. A pale blue wisp of smoke circled his head. “Merripen believes,” he continued, “that the children here will change the world, in other words, that he himself will. It’s a deception. Yes, they may make a difference, but not because of a peculiar physiological makeup. It will be our relationships with them as parents, our personal attention, how we act toward them, that will make them what they might be. If we raised a group of children like ourselves and tried to give them a creative and open view, the results might very well be similar. Except that it may be easier for these children.”

“Yet you agreed.”

He smiled. “Oh, yes. I wanted to be part of it, I don’t want to run away as I did before.”

Josepha considered Chane’s arguments. She was not sure that she agreed; it seemed that the combination of heredity and environment was needed. But she did not feel like arguing about it now. “Who is to be your child’s other parent?” she asked.

“My wife, of course. You’re surprised. She’s still alive and she’s agreed. I’ve been lucky, able to patch things up instead of living with guilt and ghosts.” The statement seemed forced. Josepha looked down as he spoke. “She’s a stranger now,” he went on. “I suppose I am, too.”

“What did you want to ask me before, Chane?”

“I … it’s hard to know how to phrase it. I’d like you to consider sharing your life here with me, raising our children together.”

She looked up, startled. He lowered his eyes and put out his cigarette. She knew that she found Chane attractive, although neither of them had nourished the attraction with the usual romantic games and ploys. She liked him. It seemed a rather weak foundation for a relationship.

“Why?” she asked gently.

“I feel at ease with you, that’s the main reason. Let’s try it, at least. If it doesn’t work out I can move again after the children are born.” Something in the tone of his voice reminded her of Merripen Allen. Again she worried about the reasons for the project. She thought: It’s a mistake, it may hurt the children in the end, it will change all of us here forever.

But that was false. If it failed, it would change nothing and would be forgotten by the parents as everything was when one had enough time. She shook her head.

“You’re refusing me, then,” Chane said.

“Oh, no, I was thinking of something else. I’d like you to stay. This house is really too big for one parent and child.” That sounded too cold, too pragmatic. “I think we’ll get along,” she added.

She wished that she could feel happier about the decision.

Josepha adjusted easily to Chane’s presence. Their life together was marred only by an occasional gentle argument. But Chane remained impenetrable. Josepha imagined that she must appear the same way to him. Even their lovemaking did not bridge the gap.

It was probably just as well, she thought. This way, at least, she could preserve some sense of privacy. Both could keep an emotional equilibrium that would conserve the strength they would need when the children were born.

She knew, however, that they could not remain on that peaceful plateau forever. Their shared lives would force them into confrontations sooner or later. But it was hard to break old habits, difficult to believe that there might not be time enough to let events happen and allow differences to be resolved. Better, she knew, to settle each issue as it came up, instead of trying to sort everything out now.

When she finally realized that there had been no time, only a few months, and that she and Chane were still far from understanding very much about each other, all the children were ready to leave their wombs and enter her world.

II

Teno, her child, Krol’s child, was with her at last. She had been surprised at how ordinary, how normal, the infant appeared. Teno had her dark hair, a face like a small bulldog’s, and olive skin. She could see nothing of Nicholas Krol in the child; perhaps that resemblance would come with maturity.

Josepha often felt tired. She leaned against the courtyard gate, inhaling the mild spring air, grateful for a few moments to herself. The flow of time had fragmented into a million discrete segments which seemed to jostle against one another. The children had to be fed, washed, taken outside for a few minutes of air, played with, hugged, dressed, undressed, and put to bed. The village had shaken off its lassitude; the children were now the center of everything. It would have been easier to let the psychologists, with the aid of a few robots, assume many of the parental duties, but almost no one took much advantage of that. It was as if they all wanted to be sure nothing went wrong, that the children would not be damaged by neglect.

“Hey!” a woman’s voice shouted. Warner Chavez was approaching her
along the stone path. Josepha put a finger to her lips as she opened the gate.

“Everyone’s asleep,” she exclaimed as her friend entered the courtyard. “Even Chane, he’s exhausted. He was up at dawn with Teno and Ramli.” Ramli was Chane’s child.

Warner smiled. “So’s Vlad. He and Nenum are probably both stacking deltas by now.” Josepha found herself thinking: Men don’t have as much stamina.

Warner sat down on the grass, folding her trousered legs in a half lotus. There were pale blue shadows under her black eyes. Josepha sat down with her back against the stone wall, wrapping her arms around her legs. She, too, was tired, not fatigued enough to sleep, but too weary to concentrate. A part of her always seemed removed, watchful, listening in case the children should need her. Chane was like that, too. Neither of them could sit for more than a few minutes lately without listening for sounds or getting up now and then to check things.

Warner was gazing at the red tulips blooming in a row next to the house. She looked away quickly, probably wondering why Josepha planted such short-lived flowers. “Tell me, Jo, have you talked to Chane much about the children?”

Josepha shrugged. “We haven’t had that many conversations lately. It’s hard to keep talking when you’re tired all the time. I can’t even watch the holo without feeling sleepy. I guess I didn’t think looking after them would take so much out of me.”

“What I meant was, has Chane said anything to you about the kids? He was a parent once, wasn’t he?”

“What do you expect him to say about them?”

“What they’re like compared to normal … compared to other kids. Maybe I’m being silly, but there’s something unnerving about them.”

“Is there?” Josepha rested her chin on her knees. “Teno’s really not much of a problem, all things considered. I was expecting all kinds of little crises.”

“Think about the way they cry, for instance. Doesn’t it seem strange to you?”

“Is it strange?” Josepha asked. “I wouldn’t know, I suppose. I was never around children that much. My brother Charlie was older than I was, and I didn’t have a younger brother or sister.”

“Well,” Warner replied, “it’s not that awful squalling I remember, the kind of crying that sounds like a cat in heat and you know the poor kid is colicky or damp or maybe hungry. With these kids, it’s more of a steady cry. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s … calm, steady and calm. Sometimes I’ll hear a real howl, but it’s as if they’re only exercising their lungs. That’s what my Nenum does anyway, and others, too. Aren’t Teno and Ramli like that?”

Josepha nodded. “That isn’t normal?”

“No.” A breeze ruffled Warner’s long red hair. “All right, they’re not quite like us, with their immunities and their modified neurons and reflexes, they weren’t meant to be, but they look so much like ordinary kids that … I picked up Nenum yesterday, after a nap, just to hug my child—you know the feeling. You just want to let them know you’re there and you care. Nenum just sort of put up with it, that’s all. It’s always like that. There’s just no response at all.”

“Maybe you’re making too much of it, Warner. You said it yourself, they weren’t meant to be like us. Anyway, things don’t look right when you’re tired most of the time. You make more of them or think something’s the matter when it isn’t.”

“I know that.”

“They’re still our children.”

“Of course. They made sure of that—genetic bonds as well as emotional ones.” Warner’s fine-featured face contorted. “I don’t know what they’ll be. I don’t know what they are or what they’ll become. I don’t even know whether Nenum is my son or daughter. Am I supposed to call my child ‘it’?” Her slender body drooped.

“Does that really matter? It wouldn’t change how you act toward Nenum. And you didn’t know what your other children would be like, or what kinds of adults they would become.”

“I knew they were human,” her friend said harshly. “I can’t even look at Nenum without remembering that, I keep seeing … maybe I wasn’t ready for this.”

Josepha felt at a loss. She tried to look reassuringly at Warner. “Yes, you were,” she said as firmly as possible. She got up and sat near her friend, putting an arm over the red-haired woman’s shoulders. “Look, Merripen wouldn’t have had you come here if he thought otherwise.” She tried to sound convincing, recalling her doubts about how Merripen had selected the parents. “It’s normal to have doubts. Maybe when you feel this way you should just go and hold Nenum and put those thoughts out of your mind. It doesn’t matter. You and Vladislav have to take care of your child, that’s all. Think of things that way.”

Warner smoothed back her hair with the chubby hands that seemed unmatched to her slim arms. “You’re right. Maybe I’m just disoriented. I’m not used to anything different after all this time.”

Josepha, hearing a cry, suddenly sat up. The cry was steady, punctuated by short stops, a smooth cry without any variation in pitch. A second cry, slightly lower, joined the first. Teno and Ramli were awake.

Teno and Ramli were toddlers, trying to walk.

Only a short time ago, it seemed, the children had been unable to sit up. Now Josepha and Chane watched as the two struggled across the floor.

She and Chane had preserved their quiet and reserved relationship. Much of their conversation concerned the children. Their lovemaking was partly a formality, partly a friendly and often humorous way of reassuring each other during moments of loneliness. Most of the time it was easier for each of them to wire up and live out a fantasy encounter.