The Good Apprentice (36 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

BOOK: The Good Apprentice
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Edward turned and the blue flash was off, disappearing round the bend in the river. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘he’s — he’s nice.’
The girl then sat down beside the river, her booted legs descending over the edge of the steep bank and her heels digging into the soft sandy earth. Edward, as it seemed absurd now to continue to stand, sat down near her, tucking his long legs sideways. The grass was damp and a coldish east wind had begun to blow. She began to tug off her mackintosh. Edward watched, checking the instinct to reach out a hand to help. Feeling the wind, or finding the operation too awkward, she decided to keep it on, pulled it back and buttoned it, frowning. In profile too she resembled Mark as she lifted her thick hair back and thrust out her lips in just his way. Yet she was less beautiful, and surely older; and would now grow, than him, older … and older …
She was silent, looking away from him down the stream, and he could see her swift breathing. He feared she might cry. The black sick faint feeling, which the kingfisher had interrupted, came back to him and he spoke hastily. ‘Miss Wilsden, it is very kind of you — ’
‘Look,’ said the girl, turning to him with a stern tearless face, ‘my name is Brownie, everyone calls me that. And please let’s not get too emotional.’ She spoke in a firm clipped no-nonsense tone which reminded Edward of some of Sarah’s women’s lib friends. At the same moment he saw her and thought of her as ‘Brownie’.
‘You wanted to talk to me about Mark — ’ he said.
‘No. Actually I want you to talk to me about Mark. That’s different. I don’t need to talk to you.’
‘I’m sorry — ’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound unpleasant. I just want you to tell me exactly what happened that evening. I can’t make it out. I’ve got to be able to
think
about it. I wasn’t in time for the funeral — or the inquest — I was on holiday and they couldn’t find me — and people here told me a lot of different things — and — and speculated — Anyway, could you, if you would, just tell me what happened.’
‘Are you older or younger than Mark?’
‘Older.’
‘That evening — you see — ’
‘No need to spin it out, just tell me briefly. I won’t keep you.’
‘Mark was in my room, and I gave him — ’
‘What time was it? I know it was evening, but what time?’
‘About six. I gave him a sandwich with the drug in it — ’
‘He didn’t know — ’
‘I was going to tell you. He didn’t know, he didn’t approve of drugs.’
‘But you do.’
‘I did. He went off on a — on a trip.’
‘I detest and abominate drugs, I’ve never touched them, Mark and I agreed about that. Go on. Wait. Had you taken anything?’
‘No. I was going to — to look after him — ’
‘And why didn’t you?’
‘Sarah rang up. Sarah Plowmain — ’
‘Yes.’
‘And I went over to her place for about half an hour. And when I came back — the window was open and — he was — dead.’
There was a short silence. Edward, who had been intensely seeing Mark, so beautiful, so relaxed, smiling blond Mark in his disordered shirt lying on that sofa, now, as Brownie slightly moved, saw instead the awful sunshine, the desolate bank, the dangerous river.
Brownie, who had been looking away, turned back and shifted her legs, breathing deeply, and said, still in her business-like tone, ‘Could you describe what he was like on this — this trip — did he say anything to you?’
‘Oh, he had a good trip.’ Brownie made a sound. ‘I mean — I’m sorry — he saw good things and — was happy — he was laughing — then he said — ’
‘What?’
‘That things were all themselves — and everything was — one big fish — and that God was coming — like a lift. I know it sounds like nonsense, but the way he said it — ’
‘Yes, yes, I know about drugs. What else did he say?’
‘That’s all I can remember. There was something about spears of light — and flying — ’
‘Flying?’
‘He said he was flying.’
‘And you left him.’
‘Yes. You see, he fell fast asleep — ’
‘Why did you go to see Sarah, she asked you over?’
‘Yes. I expect she told you.’
‘I want you to describe — to tell me why you went. It seems so odd. Are you in love with her?’
‘No.’
‘But you’d been having a love affair?’
‘No. But that evening — we did make love.’
‘In half an hour?’
‘Yes — or a little more — ’
‘You said twenty minutes at the cottage. Are you still lovers?’
‘No, I haven’t seen her since, except that time here — I wouldn’t want to be her lover, not at all, it was, all a sort of accident, our making love, I didn’t intend it, it was her idea — ’
‘I still don’t understand why you left Mark. You didn’t have to go to Sarah, it sounds as if you didn’t even want to.’
‘I suppose I sort of did — she interested me — a bit — she asked me for a drink — ’
‘And you felt you might as well go.’
‘I only meant — for ten minutes — and Mark was asleep — and I locked the door — ’
‘Were you drunk before you went?’
‘No.’
‘But you knew how dangerous — what that stuff is like — how one must
never
leave people.’
‘Yes, I knew.’
‘Then why did you go?’
Edward moved his legs, driving them down the bank and sending a shower of sand into the water. He almost shouted, ‘
I don’t know!
How can I say why I went? I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know I was going to ruin my whole life — ’
‘
Your
whole life?’
‘I didn’t know he’d wake up and walk out of the window, I was happy, I was glad he had seen such good things, such wonderful things, and was asleep, he looked so beautiful and calm, like seeing a god asleep, and it was such a perfect evening, I thought it would be fun to go and see Sarah, for ten minutes, I didn’t think, I didn’t imagine — ’
‘Yes, all right — ’
‘Your mother’s been writing me the most terrible letters saying that I’m a murderer. You see I didn’t tell them at the inquest that I’d given him the drug without his knowing, so I suppose people thought he’d taken it himself and that he took drugs and — your mother must have known that wasn’t true — and she’s been writing me these awful letters, lots and lots of them, telling me I’m a criminal and she wishes I was dead, and that she hates me and will hate me forever — and you must hate me too, Sarah said so, and if you only knew how unhappy I am and how everything in my life is spoilt and
black
— ’
‘Why are you here — I mean here at Seegard. That seems odd too.’
‘They invited me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was going mad with grief — and guilt and — destroying myself — It was supposed to be a change. A psychiatrist told me to come.’
‘A psychiatrist? Who?’
‘Thomas McCaskerville. And I wanted to meet my father, I hadn’t seen him since I was a child, I felt he might help somehow — It all happened at once, I can’t make sense of it — but if you only knew how much I suffer and will always suffer — ’
‘Is it true that your father is dying of lack of medical attention?’
‘No, of course not. But it’s hard to explain — it’s all so strange up there — Do you really want to know?’
‘No.’
There was another silence. Then Brownie gave a long sigh and said, ‘Well — ’ She shuffled her feet then turned awkwardly onto her knees and slowly got up. Edward hastily jumped up too. She said, ‘Thank you.’ Then she seemed about to go away, moving toward the willow trees, but paused, not looking at Edward. ‘I’ll ask my mother to stop writing to you. Perhaps she has already.’
‘I don’t know. The letters would all be in London at my father’s house — I mean my stepfather’s house — Look, I know you blame me terribly, you hate me, but — ’
‘I don’t hate you, that’s ridiculous. I suppose I blame you. If that means anything. I’ll have to think. But that’s my affair. I don’t think you should destroy yourself or ruin your life — I don’t think you can or will anyway — that wouldn’t help Mark — or me — You’re at the university, aren’t you?’
‘I was.’
‘Well, go back, get on with your work, you could help other people in the future, stop just brooding about yourself, and feeling guilty. That’s my advice anyhow. Thanks for coming.’ She began to move away from him.
Edward said, ‘Please stay with me, just a little while.’
‘I must go.’
‘Please stay with me, I must talk to you, I need you, don’t leave me, please,
please
don’t leave me.’ He reached out and very gently touched the sleeve of the blue mackintosh near the cuff.
She started away from him as if to run off, then turned towards him, and tears streamed suddenly from her eyes. She said, gasping, through terrible sobs, ‘It’s that — I’ll have to live all of my life without him — all of my life — and it’s only just starting — ’
‘Oh
God
— ’ said Edward, standing helplessly beside her with his hands hanging.
Brownie had found a handkerchief and had with deft speed recomposed and dried her face, so that the quick storm seemed like a mirage. She said, in an almost calm voice, a little husky, ‘Sorry. Must go.’
‘Brownie, just say — oh Christ, what can you say — say you’ll see me again — I’ll go on my knees — I need you — you’re the only person who can save me from hell — please,
please
say you’ll see me again — sometime — before too long — just say we can meet again, I beseech you, I beg you — ’
‘Oh — yes — all right — but — ’
‘Oh, thank God — ’
Brownie’s face suddenly changed again, looking past Edward towards the river, her lips parted. Edward turned.
A man was standing on the other side of the river near to the cherry tree, a bearded man standing with legs wide apart and looking towards them. Edward thought it was the tree man. Then he saw that it was Jesse. As soon as Jesse saw Edward he waved. Then he turned and began to pick his way along the bank over the hummocky grass.
Edward said to Brownie, ‘Excuse me — that’s my father.’
‘What — ? Can I help?’
‘No, no. I’ll tell you later if you’ll let me. You did say we could meet again. I’m so glad about that. I can manage here. Thank you, thank you.’
She turned and went away along the line of willows.
Jesse had by this time gone quite a distance, walking upstream. His back could just be seen beyond some elder bushes as he continued on his way. Edward ran as fast as he could along his bank of the river. He shouted, ‘Wait, wait for me.’ He thought, I’ll swim across.
Jesse paused and turned. He was wearing a rather dishevelled shirt, some sort of knee breeches, socks and boots. He stood there smiling at Edward. Edward understood the look of surprise on Brownie’s face. For Jesse, though fully clothed looked extremely odd, his head, now seen in the open, being unusually large, his eyes also round and huge, and the knee breeches giving somehow the effect of shaggy haunches. Edward called, ‘Jesse, stay there. I’m going to swim over.’
Jesse waved again in a nonchalant manner and began to descend the bank. Then, as Edward stared, he began to cross the river, walking upon the water. He came steadily across, taking carefully step after step, with the stream swirling about his boots, leaping sometimes up to his ankles. Edward, amazed, ran down to where the bank descended smoothly to a little beach and stepped into the water, reaching out his hand. Jesse, avoiding the proffered assistance, came ashore with a childishly triumphant smile. As he did so Edward saw, just below the surface of the fast river, a line of stepping stones to which he would not have liked to trust himself.
‘Oh Jesse — you — oh I’m so glad to see you!’ Edward suddenly overcome, threw his arms round his father.
‘Used to be a ford here,’ said Jesse, disengaging himself.
‘You mustn’t walk about like this,’ said Edward, ‘it’s dangerous, you might fall, I must take you home, you mustn’t be out here by yourself — come home now, please, with me.’ He was afraid that Jesse would resist. However he allowed Edward to take his arm and they began to walk slowly back toward Seegard, whose weird ungainly form was illuminated by the now declining sun.
They had reached the green meadow where Edward had seen the yellow flowers when Jesse, who had been walking quite well, suddenly stopped and seemed disposed to sit down on the wet grass. ‘Jesse, just come a little farther. It’s drier up there on the path.’
‘I like it here.’
‘Where were you going when I saw you?’
‘Looking for those flowers — what they — cowslips — didn’t find any.’
Edward pulled him a little and he walked on as far as the path, where he promptly sat down, then lay down, between two gorse bushes. Edward sat down beside him. He took off his mac and rolled it up inside out and put it under Jesse’s head, which Jesse lifted to receive the pillow.

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