The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe (34 page)

CECIL:
[
Interrupting
] Speaking of interns, Intern Jeremy had a recent run-in with the scorpions in the break room and will be missed. Oh, hey, now that you're back home, are you still looking for college credit?

MAUREEN:
Um, yeah.

CECIL:
Great. Can you start today?

MAUREEN:
Okay. Thanks.

CECIL:
Thanks for stopping by, John.

JOHN:
Sure thing, Cecil. Beware the unraveling of all things, and support your local farmers.

CECIL:
Maureen can you run to the library and do some research on smiling gods?

MAUREEN:
Fine.

[
Exit JOHN and MAUREEN
]

CECIL:
If John and Maureen are back, that must mean that the doors are working again. This is fantastic news.

I am receiving reports that the rumbling is growing louder. People are saying they can feel it in their feet and teeth. They are becoming forgetful. Objects are becoming transparent. The darkness of Night Vale is washing away. What are we, Night Vale, without darkness, without shadow and secrets?

There's someone knocking on my station door! Carlos! Carlos, is that you? Come in. Welcome home, swee—

[
STEVE enters
]

OH. NO. No!

STEVE:
Cecil, I was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by.

CECIL:
No, Steve. You do not stop by the studio. You are not a radio professional.

STEVE:
I've been driving in circles around your station all day listening to the show, and it got me thinking. John Peters, you know, the farmer?, was all like “Hey y'all, there's a smilin' god and the world is unraveling because I was in 4-H club.” And he's mostly right, but I think that it's not a smiling god but a secret underground missile testing site.

CECIL:
The secret underground missile testing site is below the Rec Center, Steve.

STEVE:
Well, it's like the Faceless Old Woman said recently while campaigning. She said: “I'm replacing all of your digital photo albums with classified pictures of secret missile testing sites.”

I think the Faceless Old Woman understands what's really going on, whereas Hiram is like, “Well, I can't really be bothered with looking into government overspending because I am literally a five-headed dragon.” And his blue head is like, “When you consider the mathematics, there's no benefit to us.” And gray says, “Thinking about government interference makes me sad.” And violet says, “We must be free above all. We must be free and also above all other things.” And then his last head just keeps roaring and saying, “YOUR BODY BURNS QUICKLY, SOFT HUMAN PROTESTERS!”

But really, I was thinking about what your boyfriend, Carlos, said.

CECIL:
Don't you dare, Steve Carlsberg.

STEVE:
He said, “I'm certain I can stop the light from entering Night Vale. I have a simple device that will protect us.”

CECIL:
That was [
honest assessment of the impression
].

STEVE:
But he's, and no offense, Cecil, he's an outsider. He's not from here. How do we know he's not part of the super underground secret military government that is testing missiles?

CECIL:
Steve Carlsberg! Did you just accuse my boyfriend of being a secret operative?

STEVE:
Well, um, yeah.

CECIL:
That'd be pretty cool, actually. But it is not true, Steve! Plus, how many times do I have to tell you there is nothing secret about secret missile testing. It's as American as using drug-laced apple pie to test the effects of hallucinogens on innocent citizens.

KEVIN:
I think he brings up a good point, Cecil.

CECIL:
You! How did you get in here?

STEVE:
Oh, thanks interloper. Whoa, cool eyes.

KEVIN:
Oh thank you, I wish I could say the same. Cecil, listen, it's hard to get work done when there is all this fighting. And it's hard to smile when there's no working. And if we aren't smiling, then what value do we have? Watch me smile.

[
Smiles
]

CECIL:
You monster.

STEVE:
That was really gross! Do it again.

KEVIN:
Look at how much better we all feel from that. But right now no one is being productive. There are angels . . .

CECIL AND STEVE:
No. Not really. Nope.

KEVIN:
. . . and a desert army out there battling for what? For hooded figures? For forbidden Dog Parks? For a glow cloud?

CECIL AND STEVE:
All hail.

KEVIN:
For the constant terror of a secret police who can invade your home at any time without so much as a letter from Human Resources?

CECIL:
They are our hooded figures. It is our Glow Cloud.

CECIL AND STEVE:
All hail.

CECIL:
This is our town, and it is terrible but it is ours, and we are fighting for it.

KEVIN:
I used to feel that way about Desert Bluffs.

So many secrets and conspiracies and darkness in our days. It all felt so important, so permanent. But then we met the smiling god. Oh, it was wonderful. The sun stopped setting. Or maybe there wasn't a sun anymore. Maybe there was just that other, brighter light. Who knows? I do know that we couldn't stop smiling, and our smiles seemed better, fuller, wider.

Soon we had no need for government cover-ups or secrets. Everything was transparent. Literally. You could see through everything and everyone. The bones, the blood, the scurrying insects inside every human body. There was so much work to be done. And such a wonderful company to do it for. Even the ones that resisted the most at first soon found that they loved the smiling god more than anyone. Even the most resistant of radio hosts soon found his way to productive work, happy songs, and a wide, gaping smile.

So let's do this together, Cecil. Believe with me in a smiling god. The greater Night Vale AND Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area. A town with, not one, but two happy, helpful voices.

CECIL:
Listeners, Kevin has just opened up the studio door, only it is not the studio door. It is an oak door, and light, blinding light, is pouring in. Everything is becoming translucent.

KEVIN:
Do you see, friends? The beautiful majesty of living as one under the unrelenting love of a smiling god?

STEVE:
Wow. It's a very pretty light. You know, that Company Picnic of yours sure wasn't fun. But I got more done in two weeks than in the rest of my life combined.

CECIL:
Steve. What are you saying? No.

STEVE:
Kevin, before I step into your weird light, let me ask about schools. My stepdaughter, Janice, is ten years old, and the elementary schools are okay, but I don't know if I can afford to send her to private school when she's—

KEVIN:
Say no more, Steve Carlsberg, Desert Bluffs schools are top-notch. Young Janice can take college prep courses as early as twelve. Our charter schools even have great medical programs where they can heal her of all her problems.

STEVE:
I'm sorry, I don't get it.

CECIL:
Yeah, Janice's uncle here. What do you mean, “heal her”?

KEVIN:
She can't walk, right?

STEVE and CECIL:
Sure. Right. She can't. Since birth.

KEVIN:
Well, rather than build all those crazy ramps and elevators, we just fix people, so that they can become better and more productive.

[
Beat
]

STEVE:
YOU ARE AWFUL AND GROSS. AND I WAS ONLY BEING POLITE ABOUT YOUR EYES. THEY ARE WEIRD. NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.

CECIL:
Listeners, Steve Carlsberg just picked up Kevin by his bloodstained lapels.

STEVE:
YOU WILL NOT CHANGE MY HOMETOWN. YOU WILL NOT CHANGE MY STEPBROTHER. AND, KEVIN OF DESERT BLUFFS, YOU WILL NOT CHANGE OR FIX OR DO ANYTHING AT ALL TO MY LITTLE GIRL.

CECIL:
Steve is carrying him to the open oak door and pushing him through into that blinding, awful light.

KEVIN:
[
Screams
]

CECIL:
Kevin is gone.

STEVE:
I did not like that guy very much.

CECIL:
Me neither. Thanks, Steve.

STEVE:
Anything for my girl. Try to tell me that there's something about her that needs fixing.

CECIL:
You know, Steve. We have our differences. Many differences. More differences than not.

STEVE:
Sure.

CECIL:
But I'm glad you're there to take care of Janice. She could do a lot worse.

STEVE:
Aww, Cecil.

CECIL:
Now leave my studio and stop barging in here with your stupid ideas about the world.

STEVE:
Yep. See you round, Cecil! [
To DANA who is entering
] Oh, hey there! Steve Carlsberg. Aren't you important-looking?

CECIL:
Dana, are you actually back in the studio? Not just an image? Not an apparition?

DANA:
I am. I'm home. Our time and space finally, finally meet again.

CECIL:
This is a happy day.

DANA:
I am glad to see you too, Cecil. But I also came by to talk to the whole city.

People of Night Vale, there is a light drowning out our sun and our minds. But there are angels and an army of masked warriors fighting back this terrible menace. Night Vale, stay safe. Stay home and do not get caught in the dangerous crossfire. The desert army and the angels are here to save us.

TAMIKA:
People of Night Vale—

CECIL:
Dana, I'm sorry. I think that's Tamika Flynn from her secret broadcast site.

TAMIKA:
People of Night Vale, hear me.

DANA:
Tamika? THE Tamika Flynn? Hi, I'm Dana. I've heard so much about you. You are an inspiration. You are a hero.

TAMIKA:
Thank you, Dana. But I am not a hero. Or we all are. Or the word has no meaning. We must all save our town and ourselves.

People of Night Vale, I am calling you to arms. There are beings claiming to be angels and this foreign army of giants fighting. Why can't we?

CECIL:
Good, well . . .

DANA:
People of Night Vale, angels are definitely real. I brought them here from the other world. They are powerful and recently very wealthy and they are tough to kill, unlike humans who die easily and unexpectedly all the time from all sorts of little causes. Just wait and let them save us.

CECIL:
Ah, so . . .

TAMIKA:
People of Night Vale, do not be defined by how you can die, but by how you can live. It is like the great writer and orator Booker T. Washington once said: “In all things social we can be as separate as the fingers, yet one as the hand in all things essential to destroying a smiling god!”

DANA:
Stay safe, Night Vale. Stay indoors and we will broadcast to let you know when it is over.

TAMIKA:
Get out there, Night Vale, grab anything you can and fight. Grab a slingshot and a book—say an Aimee Bender short story collection or Milorad Pavic's
Dictionary of the Khazar's,
or, if not a book, grab a rock, or the throwing stars that come standard in most issues of
McSweeney's.
Grab anything you can and fight. Do not believe in heroes. Believe in citizens. Be a citizen.

CECIL:
Dana, I know you have planned this well. You are incredibly smart. But I think Tamika is right. I think we have to do this together. Let us not repeat our sin of inaction.

DANA:
[
Mumbling, overlapping
] All right then, fine, don't listen to me, just brought two different armies here, whatever.

CECIL:
It has grown so bright. I cannot see much, and what I can see is nearly transparent. I am forgetting. Everything is coming apart. I can see the great glowing coils of the universe unwinding.

[
Deep rumbling throughout
]

Night Vale our time is now. Let us raise our fists and shout.

I can almost hear it. A crowd shouting “Take down Strex.” I can almost hear that crowd but I can't quite hear them. They need to shout louder. They all shout “Take Down Strex.” They, every single one of them, shout it louder. “Take Down Strex.” Louder than shouting, they scream it. “Take down Strex. Take Down Strex.”

But then they stop. Not because they do not care, but because those particular people are far away and not part of this story. They are part of a different story, a different fiction.

Realizing this, they all shrug and sadly murmur to each other: “Take Down Strex.” And then they are quiet and hope for that rarest element of all. They hope for the best.

But in this story, in this fiction, I hear the sound of Night Vale fighting back. And as the light of the smiling god grows brighter, and the shouts of a defiant Night Vale grow louder, and as I reach for my copy of Kate Chopin's
The Awakening
, more specifically for the tear gas canisters that came attached to the hardback edition, I take you all now, all of us fighting, all of us together, all of us, all of us—

—to the weather.

[
Exit CECIL
]