The Guarded Heart (13 page)

Chapter 34

August 2015

Ryder shook his head as he swiped a stack of permission slips off his desk and strolled into the middle of the room. He raised his arms over his head and narrowed his eyes as he looked around and waited for all the hands to go up. Once the room was quiet and every child had their hands in the air and was paying attention, Ryder lowered his and strolled to the front of the room.

“Hands down,” he said and hands dropped onto desks. His favorite technique always worked like a charm. “Who remembers what I was saying before you chuckleheads lost your minds?” He asked and three hands went up. “Lucy?” He asked as he pointed at the tiny girl with bright orange pig-tails.

“Permission slips have to be turned in tomorrow,” she said softly and Ryder nodded.

“I have more if you need them,” he said and more hands went up. “Lucy, can you pass these out, please?” He asked and she nodded quickly and jumped to her feet. He watched as she handed out permission slips before turning back to the front of the room. “Study your spelling words and make sure you read for at least twenty minutes tonight,” Ryder said as his eyes flicked to the door and his heart stopped as his eyes met Clint’s. His pulse slowed and his scalp prickled as he started to sweat. He swallowed past the tightness in his throat then turned back to the class. “That’s it, gang! Get your backpacks and line up,” he ordered and twenty-two pairs of feet stampeded toward the back of the classroom as Ryder made his way to his aid. “Can you take them out, Becky? I need a few minutes,” he asked and she smiled brightly as she nodded. She was doing her best to give Ryder all the signals and they were going to have to have a talk.

But that would have to wait. He had to survive Clint and scrape together the pieces of his heart in time to help dismiss all the students properly. Ryder pretended to check the room for forgotten items as the kids filed out and used the time to gather his strength and put up his guard. He was still mad at himself for going near Parker’s on a Saturday, especially that close to brunch time. Of course Clint would be there, that was his routine and he wasn’t going to change. Ryder just wished he had more time to recover before having to see Clint again. The last student pulled the back door shut and it felt as if the walls were closing in on Ryder as Clint stepped into the room.

“It looks like your first week was a success,” he said as he set a perfect red apple on Ryder’s desk. “Congratulations,” Clint said softly and Ryder took a deep breath before he reached for it.

“Thanks,” he murmured as he turned the apple in his hands. “How much did you pay for this?” He asked and Clint shrugged as his finger absently traced the words on a book cover.

“I don’t know. Like two or three dollars,” he said and a burst of laughter escaped Ryder’s throat.

“That’s insane,” he said as he set the apple down. “You never change,” Ryder teased as he slid his hands in his pockets and leaned against the desk. He smiled as he said it but the knot in his stomach grew at the thought. Clint shook his head as he stepped closer.

“You’re wrong, Ryder,” he insisted and Ryder held his breath as he searched Clint’s face. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how much I’ve changed,” Clint said and Ryder hated the way his nerves bubbled.

“Really? You show up with an apple you paid ten times too much for and last weekend you went to brunch at Parker’s. Does Jonathan know you’re here?” He asked and Clint held his hands up defensively.

“I’ll never know how much things like that should cost,” he admitted. “I still go to Parker’s on Saturday because being around people and things I know gets me out of the house and keeps me from falling into some sort of weird depression,” Clint said and Ryder’s head pulled back.

“Depression?” He asked and Clint exhaled slowly and nodded.

“Losing you was really hard. But I’ve gotten better at being alone. In fact, I have to make myself go out regularly or else it gets too hard to leave the house,” he explained and a gnawing worry and pain filled Ryder.

“I’m sorry. You being alone was the last thing I worried about,” he said and Clint’s eyes were large and almost pleading as they held Ryder’s.

“No. I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I never should have let you go that night. There are so many things I should have told you,” Clint said and everything within Ryder began to tremble as Clint’s hand pressed against his chest. Ryder could feel it shaking and his nose started to tingle. “All the things you worried about, you didn’t have to. I wanted to tell you but I was so scared,” he said shakily and Ryder frowned as he tried to understand.

“What did you want to tell me?” He asked carefully, softly as Clint’s hand burned through his shirt.

“I love you,” he whispered urgently and everything inside of Ryder collapsed and he suddenly felt weak. “You’re the only one and no one else mattered. I didn’t mention any of the men that came before you because I forgot about everyone else and I was out of my mind, I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone,” Clint said and Ryder couldn’t make his chest expand. Clint’s hand was resting so gently yet it felt like a boulder. Ryder covered it with his hand and Clint’s eyes shut and his face softened as he leaned closer.

“I have to go,” Ryder breathed and he carefully lifted Clint’s hand. Clint’s eyes were flooded as they searched his and Ryder licked his lips to make his mouth work. He gave Clint’s hand a gentle squeeze before he let go. It hurt so fucking bad and Ryder’s lungs burned as he filled them. “I have to help with the kids and I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled as he pushed away from his desk and Clint grabbed his arm.

“Call me. Please let me see you again,” he urged and Ryder couldn’t look at him. He knew that if he did, he’d break and he needed to think.

“I need some time,” he said and he saw Clint nod out of the corner of his eye.

“My number’s the same. Whatever you want,” he said and Ryder focused on the door like it was a rope and if he could just get to it, he wouldn’t sink.

“I have to go,” Ryder mumbled as he rushed toward the door on weak legs.

Chapter 35

April 2014

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t have just invited him over for dinner like normal people do when they want to introduce their friends to their boyfriend,” Ryder complained as he tugged at the collar of the only shirt he owned that was remotely club appropriate. It was a slim fit grey and black pinstripe shirt and it felt like he was trying too hard. He was wearing a pair of Clint’s shoes and they were a size too big and he’d either fall on his face or end up with blisters.

“I’m closer to Calvin than anyone else in this business but I wouldn’t want him in my personal life like that,” Clint said as he eyed the crowd outside the club and waited for the driver to pull over.

“Wow. He must be a hell of a guy,” Ryder murmured sarcastically and Clint’s lips pulled tight.

“He’s a great guy. He taught me almost everything I know about DJing and working with club owners and managers,” Clint explained. “But I don’t want our relationship out there for people to judge and pick apart,” he said and Ryder shook his head. There was no point in arguing, the car was parked and the driver was about to open the door. It was too late to turn back.

“We’re not staying too late though, right?” He asked and Clint slid him an impatient look.

“I said we’d leave early. I’m not working tonight. We’re just here to say hello to Calvin and watch him for a little while,” he said and Ryder hated how nervous he felt. It was the sort of nervous one felt before surgery or going to court. It was a heavy nervous. Clint pulled Ryder against him and kissed his hair before releasing him. “I want you to see and experience some of the things I love. And you’re always complaining that I’m so guarded and rarely share anything about myself,” he said and Ryder nodded and did his best to be optimistic. He was always trying to learn more about Clint.

The door opened and Ryder took a steadying breath before he stepped out. His eyes swept along the crowd waiting to get in and he felt completely out of place. Each person was an exaggerated version of their strongest qualities. The Gym Bromos dressed to reveal their abs and arms. The gays that were into makeup flashed strong faces and sweeping hairstyles but dressed sleek and neutral to keep the focus on their dramatic eyes and pouting lips. There were leather gays in chaps and harnesses and gays dripping with high end labels that did their best to wear every expensive piece of clothing they owned. Ryder had never felt so basic and nondescript in his life. He glanced at Clint and only felt worse as he considered his simple, well tailored suit. He’d chosen a monochromatic look in dark grey that made him look sophisticated and slightly severe. Ryder knew that Clint’s undershirt cost more than his whole outfit and he felt self conscious and inadequate as Clint waved toward the door. Ryder did his best to ignore the craning necks and whispers as they rushed past the line. Clint nodded at the bouncers as the door was held open for them and Ryder hurried to stay on his heels, afraid he’d be denied and sent to the back of the line if they were separated.

Ryder’s mood didn’t improve once they plunged into the heart of the nightclub. The sound, heat and movement was oppressive as they pushed through the mass of bodies on the dance floor. Men eyed Clint appreciatively and instinctively pushed closer. Ryder got sneers and saw equal looks of pity and distaste. The closer they got to the DJ’s station, the more he wanted to bolt. The heavy dread and feeling of not belonging intensified as Ryder got farther and farther from the doors until the nervous fizzing in his chest and hands made him dizzy. He was amazed he could be so sweaty and short of breath after crossing what was just a really large room. His legs shook as they climbed a few stairs and he did his best to avoid looking out at the crowd as Clint reached for the man nodding and swaying behind the turntables. Ryder’s eyes widened as they shared an intense, warm hug and Clint whispered in his ear. They laughed before the other guy’s arm shot out and his hand locked around Ryder’s as he was pulled against his chest. He was large and shockingly muscular as he embraced Ryder.

“It’s great to meet you!” He yelled in Ryder’s ear and he nodded as he was released and stumbled back. Calvin turned back to Clint and they put their heads together as they pointed at the equipment before Calvin handed Clint his headphones. Clint listened then nodded excitedly before returning them to Calvin. Ryder assumed he was Calvin. Ryder smiled and offered an enthusiastic thumbs up when they turned to him. Clint yelled something in Calvin’s ear then gripped his shoulder affectionately before he backed away and stood next to Ryder.

“He thinks you’re hot,” Clint said loudly as he leaned close. “He asked if you were single,” he added and Ryder frowned as he tilted his head and was about to ask why Calvin would think so when a hand closed around Clint’s shoulder and he jerked away.

“Where have you been?” A voice scolded and Ryder leaned to the side to see around Clint. “You haven’t returned my calls or texts since the night you freaked out!” He complained and Ryder’s stomach clenched as he quickly sized up the man in front of Clint. He was gorgeous, Hispanic and sliding his hands over Clint’s shoulders. Pain exploded in Ryder’s stomach as the guy rose on his toes and pressed his lips to Clint’s. In Clint’s defense, he looked irritated and impatient as he leaned back.

“Get off, David,” he said as he pushed him away and Ryder’s heart stopped and he wasn’t sweating anymore. His body shivered and felt heavy as he looked at Clint.

“What’s the big deal?” David asked as he did his best to plaster himself to Clint. “It’s not like we haven’t done it before and I miss you!” He whined before he finally noticed Ryder. He pursed his lips as his eyes slid down Ryder. “Who’s this? Your intern?” He asked and Ryder knew there was a good chance he’d throw up if he didn’t get out and far away quickly.

Ryder shook his head wildly as he pushed past David and almost tripped as he rushed down the steps. Everything around Ryder swelled and pulsed and his vision narrowed as he swam through the current of twisting, grinding bodies. His hearing was muffled but Ryder was sure he heard Clint calling him and might have felt Clint’s fingers swipe at his back and shoulders a few times. Ryder jumped through the opened doors and his feet carried him away from the club swiftly as he filled his lungs with fresh air.

“Ryder! Wait!” Clint begged and Ryder ran until he could barely hear the music before he stopped. Tears streamed down Ryder’s face as he turned to Clint. “I’m sorry. You have to know I didn’t want him to do that,” he said as he reached for Ryder.

“No!” He yelled as he pushed Clint’s hands away. “I don’t care if you didn’t want it. Why did he think it was ok?” Ryder asked and Clint’s head pulled back in confusion and Ryder gasped as his hand covered his mouth.

“Just stop,” Clint said firmly as he tried to step closer but Ryder shook his head as he backed away.

“It was ok because you’ve always let him,” he whispered and Clint’s brows pulled together.

“I told you we hooked up in the past but it never meant anything,” he argued and Ryder felt a surge of anger and bitterness.

“It was ok for Calvin to touch you too,” he said and Clint shook his head.

“We’ve never…” he started and Ryder cut him off.

“But it was ok,” he said. “It’s ok for Calvin to hug you and David could kiss you and rub all over you even though he never meant anything to you,” Ryder explained and Clint started to shake his head but Ryder didn’t want to hear his excuses. “It’s never been ok for me to touch you. You’ve always blamed it on your fear of being seen in public,” he countered and Clint held his hands up soothingly.

“Inside a club is different, Ryder,” he argued but Ryder laughed sarcastically.

“Not if it’s me,” he pointed out. “You can’t kiss me or let people know we’re dating,” Ryder said and Clint winced.

“Seeing me flirt with gay men and occasionally hooking up with them is different than knowing I’m in a real relationship,” Clint said and Ryder laughed again. “Maintaining the impression that I’m available adds to my appeal. Guys are more cooperative if they think we might fuck,” he explained and Ryder’s face twisted.

“That’s disgusting if that’s true but I don’t think that’s it,” Ryder said. “You’re embarrassed. You don’t want people to know that we’re together because I’m not…” He waved toward the club. “Like them,” he said and Clint looked stunned.

“I swear, that’s not it,” he insisted then pointed toward the music. “I don’t want all of that interfering with us. I told you it always causes problems and everything was going so well. The only issues we’ve had have been because of the people I have to work with,” Clint said and Ryder’s head tilted.

“Are you telling me you work with David?” Ryder felt another wave of dizziness as Clint hesitated.

“He owns the club,” he said softly and Ryder pressed his hands against his mouth and smothered a scream. The rage and sickness he felt was
so wrong
. It wasn’t him and he didn’t want to be the kind of person that lived with that.

“You fuck club owners and maybe an occasional DJ but I can’t kiss your cheek or hold your hand,” he clarified and Clint was still as he stared back.
I’m never going to matter enough and he’s never going to change
, Ryder realized and whatever used to be his heart squeezed into a tight ball and turned cold.

“What happens in the club has nothing to do with you or my personal life,” Clint said and Ryder hated that it sounded like the club, Clint’s personal life and Ryder were all three very separate things.

“Is that how you justify everything?” He asked and Clint flinched. “Whatever happens in the club, stays in the club?” He took several steps back as he searched Clint’s face. “Anyone can touch you and you can do whatever it takes as long as it’s in the club and I don’t see it,” Ryder accused and Clint held his hands up.

“Please, stop,” he begged and Ryder nodded.

“Yeah, I’m stopping,” he announced. “I’m done,” Ryder said then turned and quickly walked away.

“Ryder!” Clint called but he didn’t stop. Ryder walked back to the main street and ignored Clint’s pleas as he hailed a cab.