The Guild of Assassins (19 page)

Once again, Kara was striding unseeingly through the Majat grounds. No matter how hard she drove herself, she couldn’t seem to find any rest. She tried to think of any reason she should be feeling good about what had happened, and failed.

Mai’s look, when she had accepted the challenge, haunted her. One of his very first actions as he took command was to grant her freedom and erase her debt to him. She was alive and free, thanks to him. Was
this
how she was repaying him for everything he’d done for her?

When Kyth’s desperate glance back in the audience hall had begged her to accept the challenge, she couldn’t possibly refuse. Kyth’s negotiation skills were not in the same league as Mai’s, leaving the Prince cornered and trapped with nearly no escape. Worse, to Kara’s sense, Mai wasn’t about to offer him any way out. If Kyth had stormed out of the hall in the presence of the senior Majat – as she felt he was about to do – it would have been nearly impossible to mend affairs.

By accepting the challenge she hoped, above all, to gain some time that might help Mai reconsider and find a possible exit from this stalemate. They all needed this alliance to happen, one way or another, even though Kyth had done a very poor job of phrasing his request. She knew that Mai understood that too. She couldn’t help admitting that ultimately Mai was right and it would be best to do everything on Majat terms, but negotiations were all about compromises, and the way things had gone hadn’t left room for any. She was hoping that her willingness to put her life on the line might help everyone else involved see how important it was to take steps in the right direction.

If Mai allowed the challenge to proceed, he would have no choice but to put his best warriors against her. She was certain he wouldn’t want to do it if there was any possibility of avoiding it. Mai had a devious mind. Perhaps this additional time would enable him to find a solution. Of course, afterward he would probably never want to see her again. But despite how much this thought disturbed her, she told herself again and again that it was a necessary price to pay to defeat an ultimate enemy. There were bigger things at stake here than her confusing feelings toward a man who wasn’t available anyway.

More than once she wandered to the Guildmaster’s tower, hoping for a chance to catch Mai and at least attempt to explain herself, if not help him devise a way out of the situation. But his doors were firmly shut, and the Emerald Guards standing outside showed no intention of letting her through.

Having given up on Mai, she tried to see Master Abib, but the weapons keeper could not be found anywhere on the grounds. She checked every corner, every secret place she knew the old man favored, but could not find a trace of him. Even his associates, scurrying around the weapons stands and attending to the forges below, seemed to have no idea of his whereabouts.

Mai had kept his word to grant Kara access to the entire grounds. No one barred her way even when she ventured into the very heart of the Inner Fortress, the place off limits not only to outsiders but also to Outer Fortress trainees. Her feet had inadvertently brought her to the very distant secluded area, that housed the apartments of some of the senior members of the Guild.

She was surprised to see two Emeralds standing guard outside one of them. Her heart raced as she stepped closer, realising who they were likely guarding.

The old Guildmaster, Oden Lan, had not been around during Mai’s parade and had been prominently excluded from any ensuing activities. She knew his position was precarious. A normal change of command occurred when the previous Guildmaster died, and it was rare to have a man around who had surrendered command under pressure, without prior intention to lay down his power. Things must have been tough between them, and Kara was aware that Mai couldn’t possibly let Oden Lan wander the grounds until the man was fully ready to accept his successor.

As she approached the door, the Emeralds didn’t bar her way like they had at the Guildmaster’s tower. Surprised, she glanced at them with question, but they stared firmly ahead, showing no intention of even acknowledging her presence. She pushed the door and, finding it unlocked, cautiously stepped inside.

In the large, dimly lit room she didn’t see Oden Lan immediately. He was sitting so still in his tall armchair that he appeared inanimate – an ability that came with the stealth all Diamonds possessed. Yet, as she crossed the room toward him, she was surprised to realize that he was not doing it on purpose. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that the stillness came naturally.

She stopped several paces away, unsure what to say, or even what it was that brought her here, to face the man who had ordered her death.

His lips quivered. His upward glance stirred with a deep longing that made her feel instantly uncomfortable. He didn’t speak, and after a while she realized that she had to either leave or break the silence.

“Master Oden Lan,” she said.

“Kara.” His voice came out at a near-whisper as he fought to control his trembling lips.

She shivered. This man had been the closest she ever had to a father. Having him turn against her had left a deep wound, but she had never fully realized how bad it was until now, when she stood in front of him after having helped to bring about his defeat. It suddenly seemed so important to talk to him, to bring things to a closure between them.

“I am sorry for everything that happened, Aghat,” she said. “While I do not regret any of my actions, I truly wish things had gone differently.”
I wish you’d understood why I violated my orders, and why Mai violated his. I wish you hadn’t ordered my death. I wish you hadn’t unleashed our entire Guild on the two of us.
She was surprised at the force of her emotions as she looked down on him.

He continued to watch her, the longing in his eyes that she found so unsettling now mixing with bitterness.

“You broke my heart,” he said quietly. “Ever since you came into my care, I loved you... like a daughter I never had. And then you...”

She stared. Hearing Oden Lan talk about his love for her frightened her, affording a glimpse of the dark pit that harbored his emotions and had driven him to the verge of madness. He said he loved her like a daughter. But that was not the way he was looking at her.

With a sinking heart she remembered all the meaningful glances exchanged around her whenever Oden Lan’s name came up, the way everyone kept saying how
persona
l
l
y
her decision to disobey her orders made him feel. Was
this
what they all meant? Did this man truly think he
loved
her?

Against reason, she suddenly felt sorry for him, a man whose unresolved feelings had blinded him to something that was so obvious to everyone else. She now realized that his resolve to kill her, the way he was willing to fight Mai to the death no matter what, stemmed from the feeling he had just confessed. In his mind, Oden Lan possessed her, and knowing that she was off limits to him despite that, forced him into a mad jealousy, a willingness to destroy anyone who had so much as touched her. He may never come to terms with Mai, just for that reason. Not while she was still around.

Her pity for him, her sudden awareness of how he felt about her, made her want to run away and never see him again. But another, wounded part of her kept her in place. She needed to make amends, to remove this dark shadow from her life.

She sank down to the floor at his feet and covered his hand with hers. He didn’t withdraw it, but she sensed a shiver go through his body at her touch.

In all his years as a Guildmaster she would never have dared to touch him. And now, having emerged on the other side of death, facing one deadly challenge after another, having betrayed the trust of the man who had done everything for her, she didn’t feel these things mattered anymore. She was free, no longer bound by Majat rules, and she was going to do what she damned well pleased.

“I’ve always felt you were the closest I had to a father, Aghat Oden Lan,” she said. “Living up to your expectations has always been my highest goal. The decision I made when I disobeyed your orders... I had no choice. I want you to understand this.”

His eyes darted to her hand covering his, the longing in his eyes so overwhelming that she suddenly felt afraid. She forced herself not to move, to keep her hand in place. She wasn’t afraid of him anymore. She wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything.

Oden Lan shook his head.

“Yes, you did have a choice. You could have done your duty. You disobeyed me because of your love for that boy, didn’t you?”

Her lips quivered. “No. I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do.”

“But you do love him, don’t you?”

She hesitated. He was the second man who had asked her that in a very short time. Inadvertently her thoughts drifted to that other time she’d had to answer this question, locked in a cell with Mai. Thinking of it made her shiver. She suddenly realized that on that night, despite what she believed awaited them in the morning, she had felt unconditionally happy for the first time in her life.

And now, in one move, she had just thrown it all away.

“I thought I loved him, at the time,” she said. “But I believe I was wrong.”

“Still.” Oden Lan paused to control his twitching lips. “You acted on your personal feelings. It goes against everything you were trained to be.”

So did you.
She held his gaze. “The Kaddim are our enemies, Aghat. You’ve seen what they are capable of. That time... they played on your sense of righteousness by forcing you to accept my assignment, with full knowledge that I would do everything possible to refuse. They had spent considerable efforts prior to it to make sure I knew exactly what they were and how disastrous it would have been if they had their way. Normally you would have seen it too. But you didn’t listen to me back then, because you believed I was acting on my personal feelings. That was part of their plan too.”

He didn’t say anything as he watched her.

“They played you,” Kara went on, “and Aghat Mai saw through it, despite the fact that he wasn’t even there when it happened. He staked everything, including his life, to interfere with their plan. It takes a great man to do what he did. You must see that, don’t you?”

“Aghat Mai.” Oden Lan’s expression once again became bitter. “It’s all about him now, isn’t it?”

She sighed. “He’s in charge now, so, yes, it’s all about him. He staked everything to set things right – and he won. And it’s hard to imagine a more capable man in dealing with the Kaddim. Can’t you just accept it?”

His gaze wavered as he looked down at her hand, still covering his. After hesitation he covered it with his own, gently caressing her skin.

She stiffened. This was a fatherly gesture, she told herself. She had just done a similar thing to comfort him. Except, she didn’t caress him like this, his touch trying to evoke a response, promising more. She didn’t
love
him, not the way he professed to her. She didn’t love him like a father, either, she realized. This man had dominated her life. He had made her the way she was – first training her as a top killer and bathing her in glory, then ordering her death when she dared to disobey him. And now, having gone through all that, she was finally free of him once and for all.

She watched his caressing hand, then glanced to his face again. Despite everything, she couldn’t stop feeling sorry for him. Her heart quivered at his wounded look as he saw the rejection in her eyes and dropped his hand away.

“Aghat Mai is capable all right,” Oden Lan said. “Too capable for his own good.”

Kara shook her head. “I hope you can resolve your feelings toward him, Aghat Oden Lan. The Guild still needs you, even if you are no longer in charge. And… you should feel nothing but pride at seeing how well Aghat Mai fits his new station. You must realize that, like me, he learned most of what he knows from you.”

Oden Lan looked at her searchingly.

“You are not telling me everything you feel toward him, are you?”

She looked away, angry at the color that crept into her cheeks. Why did he keep talking to her about her feelings?

“Whatever else I feel toward him, or anyone else, is irrelevant.”

Oden Lan’s lips twitched. “Is it?”

She sighed. “It is, for this conversation, Aghat. And you would instantly see it too, if only you could truly think of me purely as a father would. If you did, it would make things so much easier for everyone.”

His gaze wavered with deep feeling as he looked down on her.

“Why?”

She took a breath. “Because, this is the way I feel about you – as a father I never had – and it would never be otherwise.”

His lips twitched.

“I thought that boy took you away from me. And now, it looks like Mai has taken you away from him, hasn’t he?”

She shook her head. “It’s not like that, Aghat Oden Lan. No one took me away from you. You did it yourself. As for Mai – I would be dead many times over if it wasn’t for him. I’m sure you understand that something like this would create a bond not to be easily broken.”
Except, I did break it. Just like that.
She forced the thought away.

He nodded slowly.

“I heard he granted you freedom and full pardon.”

She tried to smile. “He was very generous. I am certain he felt a reward was warranted after I stood by him during his challenge, even though I am really the one who should be feeling grateful.”

“Is this the feeling you settled for? Gratitude?”

Her gaze wavered.

“He is the Majat Guildmaster. You should know better than anyone what this post entails. Would it ever be possible for me to feel anything else toward him?”

Oden Lan reached forward and once again covered her hand with his.

“I know how it feels,” he said. “And since I am not the Majat Guildmaster anymore, I am finding myself on another side of this scale. My feelings for you... Keeping them to myself has been tormenting me all these years, until it finally drove me mad. I know now that you would never be able to return them. I used to dream that you would, one day, despite the impossibility of it. But I understand now that this was never meant to be... In my desire to give you only the best, I’ve caused you much pain. I hope you can forgive me.”