The Heaven I Found In Hell (25 page)

"I'm laughing because I’m trying to hide the fact that you're being cruel to me." I said in all honesty, and stunned, his eyes widened at me.

"How could I have been cruel?" He asked, disbelief enveloping not only his face, but his whole body.

"You're making me sound like a hooker!" I retorted immaturely.

He let out an annoyed groan which of course was because of my childish answer, before he held up his hands in the air out of frustration. With that said, and his cold, unmoving stares, I felt nervous...and scared, for once. I was never scared of Nathan. Sure, I was scared of hurting him, but I had never been scared 
of 
him until now. He was so serious right at this instant that it made me question my friendship with him. 
Why hadn't I seen this side of him before?
 Sure, I saw him get annoyed and frustrated at me, but it only took a good few minutes before we'd be teasing each other again, and half an hour pass, things weren't going for the better, they were becoming even worse.

"Alex!" He started. "Look at what you're saying! You're making me sound like I’m the bad one when I haven't done anything bad to you!"

Okay...he was definitely pissed off...and angry. I thought acting cute (a.k.a. like a child) was going to loosen him up, but instead he was getting more infuriated with me minute after minute. I tried to change my direction and ways, but being stubborn as hell, I continued acting immature. I returned his groans and pissed off sighs with a few ones of my own, while I answered his questions, which made me sound hell-ish, by saying the same thing back to him. Very childish...I know.

"F-Y-I Mr. Alpha Male...what have I done to you? I'd been nice all along, you know."

I thought he wouldn't be able to answer me, but I was damn-straight wrong. He gave me a full paragraph containing reasons of why he didn't want anything to happen, and answers to questions that were at the back of my head. And with each word that came out of his mouth, the more I felt terrible. 
Did he see me as someone that bad?

"Alex...you don't know how much I like you, but my feelings for you aren't enough. I want to be with you, but I don't know...some part of me tells me that I kind of don't. You've been caring, nice, thoughtful...all-in-all you've been such a sweet best friend to me for the past month and the few weeks we've known each other. but after all that...I still can't stop thinking about your habits...your hard partying...your ways of playing with guys...your apathy at times when serious matters come to you...and the way you act like High School is just a short stop to I don't know...your already very successful career."

He continued, after taking a deep breath.

"Why do you think I gave you that sermon during your first club experience in this place? I already had feelings for you, you know...That's why I asked you those questions...I wanted to know if you'd give the things you're going to experience here in Ridgeway a few chances...that's why I told you to try...I 
wanted
 you to try...for me..."

As he went on, I listened more intently, feeling like I had done something grave. I really had no idea he felt something towards me at all, and worse, before his explanation I sounded like some spoiled brat with sucky comebacks. I felt like punching myself...or a wall...

I hurt Nathan without even knowing it...and I hoped I hadn't...

"But no...you told me right then and there that you were never going to try...to change...since Ridgeway was just a year of your life...and that when you graduate you'd be back to doing your usual things...that's why I gave up."

"You didn't give up." I told him, sending him a weak smile.

For what was possibly the millionth time tonight, he wiped his face with his hands, as he wrinkled his forehead out of tiredness. His gaze remained away from me, and I felt his discomfort by the way he kept staring at the dull view in front of us, which was composed of a few people probably in their fifties talking about random stuff, and boring decorative vases placed on top of delicately carved wooden tables, nothing that important. Making a decision that staring at him might end up creeping him out or making him feel more uneasy, I decided to look at what he had his eyes on, even though my mind seemed to be somewhere far off.

"I did." He said, forcing himself to believe his words.

Finding out about Nathan's feelings, made me think so much about the both of us, the way we acted, the words we exchanged, and the thousand embraces and shoulders we shared. I knew all too well Nathan was one of the best people I'd probably ever meet in my whole life, but why did I make myself sound like I didn't want to be with him? I kept questioning his motives, debunking his beliefs, and pestering him about stupid things. Now I was making myself sound bad...

Why did I have to feel so guilty?

"You didn't."

And for the second time, saying the exact words, "I did."

"If you gave up on me why didn't you go to the dance with Cindy?" I asked, being insightful for the first time. "Why'd you ask me?"

If we weren't acting so serious with one another, I would've probably said, "Ha! You call asking me to dance with you giving up? I don't think so!" He said with an added snicker. But of course, that wasn't the case. I barely smiled since the realization of him liking me, and I didn't even know if I felt happy. Before this, I was positive I liked him, but now...I don't know. I felt like dating Nathan would be such a complication to my life, and I couldn't handle any more drama.

"Because you're my best friend." He answered, and honestly, in my opinion, that was the most fucked up response Nathan Adams could ever give me.

Did he think I was that stupid?

"You told Cindy you liked someone and that's why you said you weren't going to take her..." I started. "And I realized just now...I was the reason you didn't bring her..."

"Present tense would be more correct."

I mentally cursed him. What the...? When did we start talking about our grammatical errors? I knew he was cocky, and hated being outsmarted, but he didn't need to change the topic completely. It seemed to me like 
he 
was the one who wasn't taking this seriously. Seeing as how I was damn-straight confused, he decided to continue speaking.

"I liked you, and I still do...you were my reason for not taking Cindy, and you still are." He answered, as he gave me an emotionless look.

I actually had no idea what he felt at that moment. I really didn't know if he said those to annoy me, to make me smile, to make me angrier, or to confuse me even more...I didn't know. He looked and acted apathetic, but his words were deep. And that's what I disliked about him...well, I never really disliked him...he was just too smart for a guy, and for his own good. It made me feel so sucky. 
How can he like someone like me?
 Well...
I'm a supermodel...
I could give him that.

"Don't go all Shakespeare-and-Einstein combined at me." I said, giving him an ignorant aura which I hadn't meant.

I said that to lighten the mood, not to make him feel worse about himself, but that's what he looked at that moment. He gave me the “you're-not-helping-my-state-right-now” stare, before he let out a deep sigh. I thought about putting a hand on his back just to make him feel a little bit better, but quickly thought against it. 
It's not the right time to get physical...!
 My inner mind shouted at me, and so of course I obliged.

"I'll go." He said, and that...definitely woke me up.

I blinked at a rapid pace, making sure that what I had just heard was just some part of one hell-ish dream, but when I saw Nathan starting to stand up, I realized that he actually wanted to leave. Against my better judgment, I got a hold of his shoulder, and pulled him down onto the couch. He gave me a “what-the-hell” look, cocking an eyebrow up at me.

"We haven't even removed our masks..."

I mentally cursed myself. That had to be the most fucked up response I could ever give. I knew I was stupid, but I wasn't 
that 
much of a dumbass. I still had a little bit of street smarts in me. His raised brow went even higher (if that was possible), and I was left (again) to think of another not-sucky reason to make him stay.

"It's not yet twelve."

And again, another weird look came from him.

"Just stay...I want to get this over with." I said with my hand still on his shoulder.

He finally sat back down beside me, as he gave me one hell of an intense look. My mind, thinking of a million questions I could probably never ask him again if this moment passed, felt like it was going to explode out of exhaustion. I looked away from him, and started drumming my fingers on my lap. I just hoped that he wasn't thinking that I wasn't doing anything, because I was. I was thinking so hard right at this moment, that looking at him will probably make me lose my train of thought. And you know what...after a few minutes of complete silence...a Krispy Kreme original glazed donut...zero...nothing...

"I'll leave, really..." He said again, and for the second time, he started to stand up.

"I said don't."

"I get it..." He said, confusing me like f...crazy.

I didn't want to curse anymore. I had zero points in heaven, and uhm...how many points down under...? Well...there's too many to count...

"I don't even get anything yet." I admitted.

Even though he was confusing me, I'd learned a few things from tonight. I came up with conclusions to my unanswered questions, and some of my unidentified feelings, were now well...identified. A part of me wanted him to leave, but my other half told me that it would be better if he stayed. Half of my heart wanted me to kiss him, but the other part didn't for fear of him thinking of me as a bad kisser. One side of my brain told me a relationship with him would be one of the best experiences I'd ever go through, but the other side told me being the underdog in a relationship wouldn't bring me any happiness. One part of my whole body wanted to touch him, while the other half wanted him to envelop me with his tight embrace.

"See...that's why sometimes you make me want to hate you...!"

Huh?

"Stop playing with me already!" He said with his voice much louder than before. "I'm so...tired!"

Before I could even get my third chance to stop him, he walked away from me, leaving his mask on the empty space on the couch beside me. I took his mask and tried to follow him, but I couldn't, and seeing as how bringing the limo would leave the rest of the group behind, he decided to run, yes run in his tuxedo and all. And running after him...? Not a good idea. He was part of the soccer, basketball, football, and track teams, which meant practice consisted of running a few miles, and I was part of the Victoria's Secret runway, which could be translated to walking in heels for only a few minutes. See...I wouldn't be able to take myself anywhere, while he'll probably arrive back in Ridgeway without even tiring himself.

Alexandra Levi wears Chanel to her school's Halloween dance. -
 People Magazine.

Victoria's Secret Angel Alexandra Levi stuns her fellow school mates with the dazzling white Chanel evening gown she wore to her school dance. - 
Vogue