The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw (8 page)

“You okay, Ruff?” Lila crouched beside her mentor.

“No,” he said bluntly. “The venom is in my veins. You have to go on alone.”

“Like that’s gonna happen,” Lila scoffed, putting her arm around his shoulder and trying to stand him up.

“Stop it, Lila,” he wheezed. “They’ll be back any second. You need to go.”

“Not without you.”

Ruffian removed his hood. His skin looked waxy. “I’ll be fine, Lila,” he said. “This isn’t the first snakebite I’ve ever had. My blood is resistant to most venoms.”

“You don’t look very resistant,” she said. “Your face is all veiny.”

“Look me in the eye, Lila,” he said. “I need to know you will stay alive. I cannot lose another one.”

Footsteps sounded from down the hall. The Darians were coming. More than just two of them. Using the doorframe, Ruffian dragged himself to his feet. “I’ll hold them off. Please go. Tell your brother what we’ve learned.”

Two black-clad Darian thugs burst into the entryway, striking at Ruffian with their swords. Ailing though he was, the bounty hunter deflected their blows. “Run,” he wheezed at Lila. “Now. Go.”

Lila fled.
He said he’d be fine
, she told herself.
He said he could resist the venom
. But she was smart enough to know that sometimes when an adult doesn’t want to frighten a child, he will tell the child what she wants to hear, whether it is true or not. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she ran along the cliffside path.

Moments later, inside Yondale Castle, Madu and Jezek stood in a small stone alcove with high stained glass windows, a hazy-eyed King Edwyn at their side. Sitting on a pedestal before them was a glowing crystal orb that appeared to be filled with swirling green mist. The mist parted, revealing the scarred face of Lord Rundark.

“It is done, Warlord,” Jezek said.

“The girl?” Rundark asked.

“She got away,” Jezek reported. “Just like you wanted.”

“
A
re you certain nothing lives here?” Frederic asked of the dirt-walled burrow in which he and the other princes crouched, ducking to avoid the dangling roots overhead. He glanced around at the many shadow-black recesses that were not illuminated by Liam’s small torch. “I’m pretty sure those are bones over there.”

“They are
.
Very
old
bones,” Liam said.

“Ooh, a puzzle,” Duncan said, scooting over to the pile of tooth-marked remains. He started rearranging the bones. “Let’s see what they make.”

“My point is that whatever creature dug this hole is long gone,” Liam said. “So let’s brainstorm; you know it won’t be long before we have to run again. Greenfang’s been breathing down our necks for days.”

“Yeah, so much for the river throwing him off our trail,” Gustav said.

“The thornbushes didn’t exactly work either,” Frederic added. “Nor the swamp. Or the waterfall.”

“Don’t forget the corn maze,” Duncan added.

“Yes,” Liam grumbled. “How could any of us forget the corn maze?”

“I’m still picking loose kernels out of my slippers,” Frederic griped.

“Focus, people,” Liam snapped. “We’ve got a mystery to solve.”

“Oh, yes. Well, let’s see,” said Frederic. “Who were Briar’s enemies?”

“You mean besides us?” Gustav asked.

Fig. 9
PREVIOUS TENANT

“Honestly, no one was very happy with her after she annulled our marriage,” Liam said, staring into the flickering flame of his torch. “But who would be the most upset?” His eyes went wide with horror. “My parents.”

“You really think your mother and father had Briar killed?” Frederic asked.

“And then blamed me for it?” Liam wondered aloud. “I don’t want it to be true, but I can’t rule it out. No one wanted this royal marriage more than they did.”

“Then I guess we should head to Erinthia,” Frederic said.

“Perfect timing,” Duncan said. “Because I just finished putting these bones together. And now we know what kind of creature died here in this cave.” With a flourish of his hands, he presented his work. “It was . . . a
skeleton
!”

“Brilliant,” Gustav mumbled.

“Hmm, those remains are human,” Liam said, inspecting the bones. “Maybe we shouldn’t be in this burrow after all.”

“And that’s my cue to leave,” Frederic said, crawling between Liam and Gustav to the root-tangled cave opening. Just as he reached the exit, a figure appeared in front of him. Greenfang grabbed him by the collar of his filthy pajama shirt and dragged him out into the open. The bounty hunter tossed Frederic over to Erik the Mauve, then bent down and called into the burrow, “The rest of you can come out now. None of you better make a run for it, unless you want Pete to use your friend here for target practice.”

The princes crawled out of the hole, one by one, to face the three bounty hunters—and the three giant mongooses.

“I give you credit for trying,” Greenfang said, squinting at them. “Most folks can’t evade me for even one day, let alone a week. But in the end, all you’ve done is get yourselves tired and me angry. Do you know why they call me the most dangerous bounty hunter in the land? Because I never give up on a quarry. Never.” He squinted even harder. “I once chased a man into a volcano.”

“Well, you’ve never faced men like us before,” Liam said, staring him down.

“You mean an overconfident braggart, a muscle-bound doofus, a tiny weirdo, and a beanpole in silk pajamas?” Greenfang said. “Yeah, I’ll give you that. It’s a new combination for me. Now let’s get you to Avondell.”

“I have a question,” Duncan said, raising his hand. “What do mongooses eat?”

“It’s mon
geese
,” Erik corrected.

“No, really, it’s
not
,” Pete huffed. “It’s mongooses.”

“EITHER IS ACCEPTABLE!” Greenfang shouted at them.

Erik cleared his throat and began tying Frederic’s wrists. “Anyway, they eat snakes mostly,” he said. Then he narrowed his eyes at Duncan. “But they’d tear into you if I told ’em to.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” Duncan said. “I was just wondering if maybe it was a mongoose that lived in that cave. But it can’t be. Whatever lives in there doesn’t eat snakes—it eats skeletons.”

Pete sighed. “Don’t you people know a bugbear den when you see one?”

“Bugbear?” Frederic said nervously. “What’s that?”

“Ghastly creatures,” Pete said. “Thick fur like a troll, but also shelled like a beetle. They’ve large pincer claws and eight eyes like a spider.”

“Sort of like that thing in the tree above us?” Duncan asked, pointing upward. With a loud hiss, a hideous, ogre-size bugbear leapt down among them. Startled, Pete loosed an arrow at the attacking creature, hitting it in the chest—but that only made it angrier. The monster snapped its lobster-like claws at Greenfang, who drew his dual swords to defend himself. At Erik’s command, the mongooses began clawing at the raging bugbear, but their fangs were of little use against the monster’s hard shell.

Not caring to stick around and congratulate whoever won this particular fight, the princes fled into the dense forest. They climbed hills, waded across creeks, trudged through bogs, traipsed through meadows (the only part Frederic liked), and slunk through caverns, looking over their shoulders the entire way. After a week of paranoid hiking, they finally crested a rocky tor and spied the Palace of Erinthia on the horizon.

G
etting to the gaudy, gold-trimmed palace was a daunting task in its own right, considering how every man, woman, and child on the thriving streets of Erinthiopolis seemed to be on the lookout for Public Enemy Number One: their own Prince Liam. But thanks to some well-chosen disguises (hooded robes emblazoned with the crest of the Royal Foot Massagers’ Society), the fugitives managed to sneak along the city’s back streets and into the palace through a kitchen storage entrance.

“Can I get this thing off now?” Gustav grumbled, pulling down his hood as soon as they stepped into the large pantry. Standing among the jar- and crate-lined shelves, he began to untie his robe as well. “It feels too much like a cape.”

“How can it feel like a cape?” Frederic retorted. “It has sleeves!”

“Would you two please keep it down?” Liam snapped. “We’re
sneaking
here, people. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but why can’t you be more like Duncan?”

Fig. 10
ROYAL FOOT MASSAGERS SOCIETY, fake

Gustav frowned. “The only reason Prince Pipsqueak isn’t talking is because his mouth is full of peanut butter.”

They all turned to Duncan, who was four fingers deep into a jar he’d just swiped off the shelf. “Cashew butter, actually,” he said sheepishly, offering a gunky, brown-toothed smile.

Liam slapped his hand to his forehead and sighed. “Gustav, keep your robe on,” he said flatly. “Let’s go find my parents.” He opened the door to the palace’s inner corridors and found himself face-to-face with a startled servant.

“What are you doing in here?” the short, apron-wearing man blurted as Liam quickly turned his back and pulled his hood tight. “I’ll call the— Oh, I’m sorry. You’re the foot massagers. It must be time for the king’s weekly treatment.”

“Yes, that’s right,” said Liam, deepening his voice.

“But why are you in the pantry?” the servant asked, trying to peer around and get a look at Liam’s face.

Frederic snatched the jar out of Duncan’s hands. “Cashew butter!” he said. “It’s full of skin-softening oils. His Majesty likes it when we rub it between his toes.”

“And it’s delicious,” Duncan added.

The man shrugged. “Whatever makes the king happy.” He let the princes pass. “You should hurry, though,” he added. “It’s almost His Majesty’s bedtime.”

As fast as he dared move without arousing suspicion, Liam led the others up to the third floor, flashing his Massagers’ Society emblem at anyone who gave them a second look. When they reached his parents’ private chambers, Liam put his hand on the doorknob, ready to burst in and surprise them—but before he could, Duncan knocked.

Liam shot him a look of death.

Duncan shrugged. “It’s the polite thing to do,” he said apologetically.

Liam and the other princes stampeded into the bedroom, locking the door behind them, just as the round-bellied King Gareth, in his nightclothes, was shutting his wardrobe. Leaving the wardrobe doors slightly ajar, the king spun to face his visitors. The princes removed their hoods.

“Oh-ho! It is you,” Gareth said. “This visit, it is unexpected.”

“Yes, Father, it’s me,” Liam said. “I’ve come for answers. Where is Mother?”

“Your mother,” the king repeated, staring at his son. “She is traveling, no? On a faraway journey. She will be so sad to have missed you. You know how the lady is—always crying, ‘Why does not my son visit his poor mother?’”

Liam furrowed his brow. “Is something wrong with you? You’re acting odd.”

“Odd? Me? No, never. This thing you suggest, it is so silly.” Gareth crossed his legs and leaned casually against the wardrobe, stroking his heavy, walrus-like mustache. “This . . . oddness you hear in my voice, it is merely joy upon seeing my beautiful son and his friends, yes? Please, tell me about your day.”

“Well, we slept in a hollow log last night,” Duncan began. “And when I woke this morning, I discovered that a family of lizards had moved into my pants. Then—”

“You’re hiding something, Father,” Liam said forcefully. He took a step closer to the king. “Tell me the truth about Briar.”

“Briar? Oh, the Sleeping Beauty, yes?” Gareth said. “What happened to this girl, it is, as we say in my country,
very sad
.”

Frederic’s eyes went wide. “Vero,” he sputtered.

Liam shoved his father aside and flung open the wardrobe. Staring out at them from amid a rack of gold lamé cloaks was Vero, the dapper Carpagian swordsman who had served as right-hand man to Deeb Rauber.

“Good evening,” the bandit said. With a flick of his long ponytail, he stepped out into the room, looking as dashing as ever in his tall black boots and puffy-sleeved shirt. He seemed unfazed, not even reaching for the sleek rapier that hung at his side. “You think you have gotten the better of me,” Vero continued. “But I trust you know what I hold in my hand here, yes?” He raised a fist and separated his fingers just enough to let an eerie orange glow escape from between them.

“The Jeopardous Jade Djinn Gem,” Frederic whispered.

“But we saw it destroyed,” Liam said.

“The things you see, maybe you cannot believe them all,” Vero said. He motioned to King Gareth, who was standing statue still in the corner.

“It is true,” the king suddenly said. “I am, as they say in his country,
under his control
. Watch me tug my silly mustache.” He yanked on his own mustache.

“You see?” Vero said with a smile. “This gem, it works well, no?”

“So Deeb Rauber is behind all this?” Liam asked, incredulous.

“Huh. I can’t stand the brat, but I never took him for a murderer,” Gustav said.

“I assure you, Deeb Rauber no longer sits on the throne of Rauberia,” Vero said.

“You overthrew him?” Frederic asked. “You’re in charge now?”

“If only it were so,” Vero said wistfully. “But, no, I serve a man greater than I.”

“Hey, not that this isn’t a fascinating conversation and all,” Gustav said, “but we’re gonna fight, right?”

“We are at a stalemate, no?” Vero said. “There are four of you and one of me. But I have the Gem. I would say the odds are evened out.”

“Can
odds
be
evened
?” Duncan asked. “That just sounds wrong.”

“I have a proposal for you,” Vero continued. “I remember you, Prince Liam. The lady who was your student—Ella—
her
I got to duel; I was quite impressed. But you and I, we have never had the opportunity. I propose that you and I duel right now. One-on-one. If I win, you four men go to the dungeon; if you win—something I am not concerned about—I give you the Gem.”

“I, uh, don’t have a sword,” Liam said, his cheeks flushing.

“Here, take one of mine,” Vero said, plucking an extra rapier out of the wardrobe and tossing it to Liam. “And you have my word as a Carpagian that I will not use the Gem on you. But in return, I want your three friends to give their word that they will not interfere.”

Frederic and Gustav nodded.

“I’m not sure which word I should give,” said Duncan. “Maybe ‘collywobbles’—that’s one I don’t use very often.”

“They give their word,” Liam said. “Guys, step back.”

The other three princes shuffled across the room and gathered by the queen’s fully stocked wig tree to watch the fight.

“Ready?” Vero asked.

Liam took a fencing stance and raised his blade. Vero popped the Gem into his vest pocket and flashed an empty palm. “Promise kept. As you know, the Gem cannot work without direct contact.”

This was true, which is why King Gareth, who was still standing in the corner, suddenly regained control of himself. The king blinked a few times and started hollering. “Liam! What are you doing here? I can’t believe you have the nerve to show your face in this kingdom after what you’ve done! And
you
—evil ponytail man! You’ve been torturing my brain with your stilted speech and odd phrasings. Guards! Guards! Get in here now! Guards!”

“Sorry, Vero. Duel’s going to have to wait,” Liam said. “But thanks for the sword. Quick, guys, out the window. There’s a drainpipe we can slide down.”

“But we still don’t know what’s going on,” Frederic said.

“And something tells me we’re not going to get much cooperation from my dad,” Liam insisted. “The window—
now
!”

As Vero began fumbling around in his pocket for the Gem, Duncan rushed to the open window and peered out.

“Hey, I know those guys,” Duncan said. Gustav yanked him away, a split second before an arrow zipped in and impaled one of the queen’s beehive wigs.

“It’s Snaggletooth and his buddies,” Gustav said. “They’ve found us again.”

“Remember back when I was a little impressed by you guys?” they heard Greenfang shout from outside. “Now I’m just annoyed.”

“And I’m not so happy either,” Erik the Mauve added. “I lost two mongeese in that bugbear fight.”

“So escaping through the window is out,” Frederic announced.

Two guards kicked the door open. “Your Highness! What’s the emergency?”

“That man with the ponytail is a . . .” Gareth began to shout. Then a glazed look came over his eyes. “. . . a . . . a trusted friend of mine. And quite handsome, no? He is no bother. But the four in the robes, they are not genuine foot rubbers. Arrest them.”

Vero had his hand in his vest pocket and a sly smile on his face.

“Liam, tell them who you really are,” Frederic said.

“That’s not going to help,” Liam replied. They were in a bad situation, and he could think of only one way out. “Gustav, do what you do best.”

Gustav grinned. “Sturrrrrm-hayyyyyy-gennnn!” he shouted, and charged headfirst at the guards. The two men were so taken aback, they didn’t even raise their swords; they just yelped as the brawny prince plowed into them and blasted them out into the hallway. Liam, Frederic, and Duncan followed.

More guards were rushing up the corridor as the princes fled down a spiral staircase to the ground level. They dashed along a seemingly endless hallway, in which everything from baseboards to wastebaskets was lined with gold, until they finally saw an open window, its curtains fluttering in the breeze as if beckoning them. But just as they prepared to leap
out
that window, somebody else climbed
in
.

“Sis?” Liam gasped.

Lila was startled at first, but as soon as she realized who was standing before her, she threw her arms around her brother and buried her face in his chest. “Oh, Liam, it’s terrible,” she said. “The Djinn Gem—”

“We know,” Liam said, spinning her around and nudging her back out the window. “We don’t know how Rauber’s men managed to get it back, but we’ll discuss that later. Right now we need to flee before Dad’s guards catch up.”

“Dad’s guards?” Lila asked.

“And Greenfang,” Frederic added, following her out.

“Greenfang?” Lila asked, even more baffled.

Once outside, the five of them ran. They ran as fast and as far as they could, until, somewhere in a dark, garbage-strewn back alley of Erinthiopolis, Frederic saw a chair—an old, termite-ravaged chair that someone had tossed out with the trash—and sat down on it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, panting. “But do you know how long it’s been since I’ve sat on anything other than a rock?”

Seeing no sign of their pursuers, the others paused to catch their breaths as well. “Ooh, check it out,” Duncan said, rooting through a random rubbish bin. “Someone tossed out this perfectly good cap.” He pulled a purple tricornered hat from the trash and placed it directly on his head.

“I’m so glad I ran into you guys,” Lila said, leaning on her quarterstaff while she removed her left boot and shook pebbles from it.

“Where’s Ruffian?” Frederic asked, fanning himself with someone’s discarded spatula.

Lila closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Oh,” Frederic said softly, lowering his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“How?” Liam asked, putting his arm around her.

“The Darians,” she said bitterly. “He made sure I got away, though. Oh, I wish we’d seen you there, Liam. How did we manage to miss each other in Yondale?”

“Yondale?” Liam asked. “We were never in Yondale.”

“But how do you know about the Gem then?” Lila asked. “The Darians are using the Gem to control King Edwyn in Yondale.”

“Snow’s dad!” Duncan said. “We haven’t seen him in so long. Does he still have that piece of tomato in his beard?”

“Wait, Lila, what are you talking about?” Liam asked. “The Darians can’t be using the Gem in Yondale. Vero is using the Gem on Dad—
here
!”

“Impossible,” Lila said. “The Djinn Gem is in Yondale. Trust me—I saw it.”

“So did we, kid,” Gustav said.

“Well, the Gem can’t be in two places at once,” Frederic said.

Lila’s nose twitched in frustration. “Look, all I know is that that freaky snake guy and a bunch of other Darians used the Gem on King Edwyn in Yondale. And it seems like they probably also used it on Briar to make her get on that ship.”

“Briar?” Liam burst.