The Hinky Velvet Chair (12 page)

“I guess it works,” Griffy said. “Ms. Sacheverell owns it.”

His voice dropped. “This man is my
idol all my life. I have taken his name in his honor.
Manchmal,”
he said gutturally, “sometimes I think I am his
Reinkarnation,
you
would say, his soul repeated.”

Jewel couldn’t look away from the monitor. “Green. Is that
bad?”

He said, “Your symptoms. I must know everything. Let me
guess! At first euphoria, satisfaction at being the object of attention. Then,
perhaps, a little alarm, yes? Shyness? It is not so pleasant to be under so
much close observation.”

She shuddered. “It sucks.”

“I have studied original letter source material,” Kauz said,
nodding. “A delicately nurtured
mädchen
is unprepared for so much scrutiny. Perhaps she shrinks from the spotlight. One
must have, I think, the soul of a circus performer to enjoy it. Let me print
this reading—” he pressed a button and the image on the monitor froze. Then he
pleaded to Jewel,
“Fraülein Hess,
if I could work with you. Your test is
so remarkable. Your symptoms — if I could help in any way — I am familiar with
Katterfelto’s theories—”

“We ought to show him the Venus Machine, don’t you think?”
Griffy said to Sovay. “Do you mind? It’s your machine.”

Sovay rolled her eyes.

Kauz placed his hands together as if in prayer and bowed to
Sovay. “If I can examine the machine, perhaps I can find a way to cure this
unfortunate woman’s unbalanced aura.
Madame,
I beg you, be merciful.”

Sovay jerked her shoulder. “Oh, why not? And bring that
thing with you. I’m sure Virgil would love to see it,” she said, sending an
unpleasant look at Griffy.

“Of course,” Kauz said.

“I’m going out for some air.” Sovay slouched out of the
room, and Randy followed.

And bang, Jewel’s cases were as commingled as a
laundry-loadful of pantyhose. “I think I’ll, uh, visit the locker room.” She
blundered out past Kauz’s adoring gaze.

In the locker room she phoned Clay’s cell. “Listen,” she
hissed, “I’ve got the spa guy coming to Virgil’s house later this afternoon.
He’s in love with my green tones and he’s got a hard-on for the Venus Machine.
This is our chance to open him up.”

“Did he say anything about the election?”

“No. Not a word. Though I picked up a scary pamphlet about
magic in the waiting room. So, listen, what I want to know is, can you get
Virgil Thompson to invite him to stay for a few days?”

“What are you hoping to accomplish?” Clay said in a guarded
voice. “I thought you didn’t want to commingle the cases.”

“I didn’t, but now I’ve messed up here and they’re all
tangled together,” she confessed. “Will Virgil cooperate?”

“No problem. The guy’s got a hard-on for the Venus Machine,
and he has a bunch of money for his campaign fund, but he needs more. And
Virgil is rich and crazy about magic. Only question is, who’ll be gladder to
see whom.”

“Groovy. I need to hear him talking about his platform. Also
I hope to establish a link between him and Buzz. Buzz is distributing a
concoction for Kauz, I’m sure of it. Maybe he’ll have Buzz meet him at Virgil’s
house.”

“Surely Buzz will cooperate if charges can be laid against
him,” Clay said.

She sighed. “You don’t know Buzz.” The locker room door
opened. Sovay and Griffy came in. “I gotta go.” She hung up.

Clay seemed mighty sure of Kauz’s welcome. And very
interested in Kauz’s campaign money.

Great. She was unleashing one con artist on another. No,
three, she was forgetting Sovay the Snake. Was that ethical? Did she get to
bend the rules when she was undercover? How much? When would the whole thing
blow up in her face and leave her covered in anti-glory and federal violations?

She’d already had three showers but, now that Kauz had
slathered her with his icky admiration, she felt a little less than fresh. She
took another.

While the others ferried Kauz and his psychespectrometer to
Virgil’s house in Griffy’s limousine, Jewel took a cab, the better to get
something through Randy’s head.

He seemed totally not embarrassed. “Why should I feel shame?
Men follow you down the street like dogs.”

“Well, I’m embarrassed. I don’t do men in public!”

“Except for Nathan the Napkinfucker.”

Jewel goggled. “Where did you hear about that?”

“Nina mentioned him at dinner on Sunday. Don’t you recall?”

My best friend Nina.
Think I’ll kill her.
Jewel licked dry lips. “That was eight months ago. And
we never got caught. And I dumped him. I wish I could dump you!”

“All you need do is to forget I am there.”

“Forget you’re in my bed? When you’re sneaking into my
head,
into my
dreams?”

“Next time I vanish into a bed — or a massage table.” With a
gesture he indicated the cab seat between them. “Or an automobile. Simply
forget where I have gone.”

He didn’t have to add the rest of it. If he couldn’t give
her an orgasm, he couldn’t get out of the trap by himself. Ever.

She bit her lip. “You could have told me you were in the
massage table, somehow. I could have come back later.”

“Would you have returned? You seem dissatisfied with my
services of late.”

So he
had
heard
what she said to Griffy! Oh, gosh
. But
girl talk is a necessity. I can’t cope without girl talk.

She avoided his eyes. “Well, you’ve been annoying me.”

“I, on the other hand, cannot afford to be angry with you.”

That annoyed her even more. He knew darned well that she
knew that he couldn’t afford to make her too mad. She was number one hundred on
his magic list of stealth fucks. Until he’d given her an orgasm, he’d been sex
slave for two centuries.

And now he was her slave.

Funny how it felt like she was his.

If only she could figure out how she felt about that.

Her embarrassment was easing. She lowered her voice. “Look,
this is not about my sex life, or even yours. You have to be careful. You can’t
be,” she whispered, “magical. There’s very low tolerance. You’re lucky you got
sprung from that brass bed in Chicago. The Policy here is ‘Don’t ask, don’t
tell, cope.’ It could have happened in Pittsburgh. Or D.C. I shudder to think
what the feds would do with you.”

“But in only three weeks I have seen magic everywhere—”

She interrupted him. “You have not seen magic. Not. You’ve
observed a few anomalies that can happen in any densely populated community.
When diverse peoples rub together, they naturally imagine that their own
experience is reality and everyone else’s is weird. A city is a confusing
place.” She looked him in the eye with all her force of will. “People imagine
they see all kinds of stuff. The world keeps on spinning, whether they decide
to cope, or have hysterics over nothing. Why have a cow?”

“You care for your city,” he said, the lightbulb going on.

“Duh. It’s my home and it’s my job. There is no magic,” she
repeated. Why should he believe her? She didn’t believe herself. “Only a little
inconvenience.”

“Or a large one.”

Scanning his big body she agreed. “Or a large one.”

He looked miffed. “Then I must be more convenient.”

Jewel knew this was as good as it got, Randy-polite-wise.

She drew a shuddering sigh. “Thank you.”

o0o

At Virgil’s mansion, Jewel saw that her humiliations had
just begun. The newest addition to the loonybin, Dr. Kauz, was introduced to
Virgil.

Then Griffy told them how Jewel had attracted all eyes at
the Hancock Tower. “You should have seen it! I think that machine works. Of
course Julia’s already beautiful.” She smiled at Jewel.

Jewel wondered if anyone could be that nice. “What I want to
know is, does the Venus Machine have a reverse setting? Because I’m sick of
this.”

“But you said the Venus Machine was a fraud,” Randy said
with malice. “You said there is no magic.”

“My, my,” Sovay murmured. “The skeptic recants.”

Jewel felt hunted. “You try it and see how you like it.”

“Perhaps I shall,” Sovay said. “But you haven’t told them
the most exciting part of your day.” Jewel sent her a glare that would have
decapitated a lesser bitch. Sovay shrugged her pretty shoulders. “Dr. Kauz,
perhaps you could describe it.”

“Of course, of course,” Kauz said, whipping pictures out of
a folder, and Jewel cringed. Did he have pix of her seaweed mummy-wrap dripping
off the ceiling? “I have caused my psychespectrometer to be brought here so
Herr Thompson can witness phenomenon of Ms. Hess and her powerful green tones.”
She thanked God for Kauz’s one-track mind. “Perhaps if strong young backs can
bring my psychespectrometer to a room where we can all observe—?” He looked
from Clay to Randy.

“My collection room is at the top of the house,” Virgil
said, managing to look ninety years old, sitting still.

Randy looked snooty. “The servants perhaps?”

So of course Clay sprang forward. “We’d be delighted to
help. Lord Darner, would you care to don a pair of gloves to protect your hands
while we lug this thing inside?”

Randy sniffed, but he followed Clay and Dr. Kauz.

“I understand that your skepticism has suffered, Ms. Hess,”
Virgil said as he led the house party upstairs.

She mumbled, “It’s sprung a leak.”

“I think you should keep an open mind,” Griffy said.

“I’m not paid to keep an open mind.” Jewel hated to admit
it, but she was scared. “I want that Venus Machine effect reversed. Even if
it’s fake.”

Virgil smiled at Jewel, and she thought she saw Griffy look
away.
Great, now I’m making her jealous.
He said, “I’m sure you cannot be more charming than you were already.”

“It seems she can,” Sovay said in a silky voice.

Jewel threw her a fuck-you glance. “You got a problem?”

Sovay raised her manicured hands.

“I didn’t ask for all this attention,” Jewel said tightly.

“I’m sure you didn’t. When one has given up hope—” Sovay
patted a yawn.

“I don’t think Julia was ever hopeless with men,” Griffy
said, defending her again. “Besides, it can’t be very pleasant to have
every
man’s attention
all
the time.

Sovay coiled her arm through Virgil’s. “One manages.”

Virgil gave a senile simper.

To make trouble, Jewel said, “Once you fix me, maybe we
should try putting Griffy through the Venus Machine.”

As he opened the collection room door, Virgil snorted. Or it
might have been Sovay beside him.

Griffy stiffened. “Thank you, Julia,” she said with
trembling dignity. “I just might do that.”

They found that Clay and Randy had brought Dr. Kauz’s
machine to the collection room in a service elevator. They assembled it while
the doctor made things beep.

When Jewel walked in, all three men turned toward her like
flowers facing the sun.

She could feel Sovay’s glare, hot on the back of her neck.

“Fix me!” she blurted.

After that things got noisy.

Dr. Kauz and Virgil went into a huddle, twiddling, clanking,
and speaking newage.

Then she stood in front of the psychespectrometer. Then she
had her Kirlian picture taken. To Virgil’s painfully obvious sneers, Griffy
went through the same process.

Then the mad scientists fooled with the Venus Machine.

Those less technical got out of the way. Randy drifted over
to Sovay. The butler rolled in the liquor cart. Clay brought wine to Griffy and
a Scotch to Jewel.

“I can’t believe you want to reverse your machinkusization,”
Griffy said to Jewel.

“It sucks,” Jewel said. “Like, uh, Lord Darner said, men
follow me like dogs. I feel like Julia Roberts on a bad hair day. I’ve had
enough.”

“See anything good at the spa?” Clay said to Jewel.

“Oh, yes, they have everything,” Griffy said. “And Julia had
her chakras cleaned!”

“Was that fun?” Clay smiled at Jewel.

She sent him a silent
shh!
She was trying to eavesdrop on Sovay, who was chatting up her sex demon.

“This little scar on your jaw,” Sovay said, drawing her
finger down Randy’s face. “How did it happen?”

“Hunting accident.”

“A hunting accident!” Sovay echoed in a throbbing voice. “How
terrifying!”

“A mere scratch, dear lady.” Randy smirked.

Meanwhile Griffy was spilling the beans with a firm hand. “The
green goo got everywhere! And the seaweed stuck on the ceiling.”

Clay swigged his beer. “No!”

Jewel avoided Clay’s eye. “What are they doing? I want to
get this over with.”

At that point, the mad scientist symposium broke up.

Dr. Kauz said, “Ms. Hess, if you would be so good as to be
seated in the Venus
Apparat.”

Jewel sat in the green velvet chair. “This better work.”

Dr. Kauz moved her feet. “Don’t vorry. Be happy.” He
strapped her ankles in.