The Hoods (41 page)

Unceremoniously he pushed the girls aside. He confronted us. His hands were on his hips.

“What can I do for you, gentlemen?” He enunciated each word separately and distinctly, pursing his lips after each syllable. He didn't recognize Cockeye until Cockeye laughed and said, “Hello, Fairy.”

“Oh, hello,” he said, smiling coldly. “Please do not call me that. Address me by my given name, Theodore.”

Cockeye introduced us. “This is Maxie, Patsy and Noodles. Meet my friend, the Fairy.”

The name is Theodore,” he repeated, shaking hands ceremoniously.

I felt a slight repulsion taking his hand. It was cold, moist, and small, like a child's.

He smirked and scratched the palm of my hand suggestively.

“Oh, Theodorah, you are the bold one,” I lisped.

The shmucky bastard was delighted. “Oh, I have heard of you, of you, of you.” He enunciated daintily, waving a waggish finger. He leaned over, closely and quietly tittered, “You men are notorious gangsters.”

“Oh no, please, anything but that,” I begged in mock supplication. “Excuse us for a while, girls,” I said to the charming, smiling throng around us.

“Shoo, shoo, shoo,” Theodore shrilled, waving his hands as if dispersing a flock of chickens.

And I'll be goddamned if they didn't sound like a flock, scampering away, giggling to each other.

“Silly bitches, haven't you seen men before?” Theodore shrilled after them.

“O.K., lover boy,” Maxie snapped. “When does Salvy come around?”

“Oh him? That ruffian, that snake in the grass,” Theodore said with repugnance.

“Yeh, Theodore, what time does he generally arrive?” I asked.

He smiled at me; he pursed and licked his lips and wagged his tongue suggestively. “Oh, I should judge about two p.m. or so.”

“Okay, well sit in the back and wait,” Max said.

“It is customary and polite to wait until you receive an invitation, don't you think?” He stared at Maxie, unafraid and indignant.

Before Maxie took it into his head to clip him on the point of his indignant chin, which would lift him in the air and cause him to slide the length of the room, I said, “Do you mind if we wait, Theodore?”

“I'm a very hospitable person,” he said angrily, “if people permit me to be hospitable.”

“Very commendable,” I murmured politely. “Do you mind if we wait?”

“No, go right ahead; sit where you want. You can watch me select and rehearse the girls for my new show.”

Maxie laughed good humoredly. “Thanks for permitting us.”

“You're welcome, I'm sure,” the Fairy said huffily.

We chose a table toward the back of the room but close enough to watch the entrance and the dance floor.

It was a large place, half the size of a city block. It looked expensively furnished. There was thick carpeting from wall to wall. Colorful, pastoral murals were painted skillfully on every inch of the walls. Tables were scattered all around the room. In the center was a large, square, highly polished dance floor. A short distance to one side, was a railed-off enclosure crowded with instruments but without the musicians.

A lone, bald-headed guy sat at the piano. On the side, close to the entrance, was a well-stocked bar. The lighting arrangement was dim, flattering, and indirect.

Theodore sat at a small table at the edge of the dance floor.

“All right, ladies,” he clapped his hands imperiously. “Attention and quiet, please.”

A girl gave a suppressed titter. He looked around to see who it was. He shrilled out, “Any of you ladies who are here for amusement can leave right now.”

He glared. The girls remained motionless and quiet.

“The Fairy knows how to handle them,” Cockeye commented.

“Yell, that's because they need the jobs,” I said drily. “Otherwise they wouldn't take his crap.”

“All right, ladies,” he called in his high pitched voice. “Those who do specialties walk over to the right.”

About twenty of them crowded around the right side of his table. Most of them were extremely pretty. He glanced at them coldly.

“These are my requirements. First, I want an accomplished ridotto.”

A cute blithe little thing called out, “What's that, Mr. Theodore?” Such ignorance,” he snorted. “Don't you know? It's a person who dances and sings simultaneously?”

“Oh, that's me,” she said gaily. “I've been called everything but that.”

“You're much too flippant, you won't do at all.” He looked at her with righteous satisfaction. “You can leave right now.”

“He's a bastard, isn't he?” Maxie murmured.

Angrily the girl gathered her belongings and made for the exit. Maxie stood up and intercepted her. Curiously we watched as he spoke to her. She shrugged, smiled, nodded her head, and walked to a nearby table. Max lit her cigarette. He came back and sat down. She smiled, blew smoke, crossed her shapely limbs, lifted her skirt to expose them more and sat swinging them gaily.

“Date her up, Max?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, I just hired her as the ridotto for this joint.”

I laughed. “We taking the joint?”

“Maybe, in our spare time.”

“Good idea, Max, we could have a lot of fun in this joint,” Cockeye said.

“Yep, fun we'll have, but then—” Maxie shook his head. “It'll take our minds off business.”

“We'll attend to business,” Cockeye promised. His voice sounded like a small boy's, pleading.

“You'll attend to monkey business,” Max grunted.

We watched Theodore as he “tried out” and hired a cancan dancer, a strip tease artist, a combination tap-dancer and contortionist, and a ridotto, as he called it.

Max observed, “He's got himself two ridottos, but he don't know it.”

“I'm paying you ladies fifty dollars a week including meals,” Theodore said.

He looked at the specialty dancers. The Fairy knew they were entitled to more. But none objected. I guess jobs were hard to get.

“All right, you ladies of the chorus, line up.” He snapped his fingers at them.

In a coldly objective manner he walked up and down the line.

“Hey, Cockeye,” Max nodded toward the bar, “get a bottle of Mt. Vernon and glasses.”

We sat and drank. The Fairy was engrossed in his job of picking a chorus. He would pick a girl, motion to Baldy at the piano and make her do a short, chorus, kicking routine on one leg. It had a tendency to make her breasts shake up and down. I guess that was the reason he made them go through that routine. Even though he was indifferent, at least he knew his business, and understood what normal men were interested in.

I watched the movements of the last one he hired. She was a voluptuous, fully packed, sexy-looking doll. She reminded me of Dolores a little. No, she wasn't like Dolores. Dolores was more regal and esthetic.

But this one definitely had exceptional appeal. Yeh, now I analyze your appeal, baby. It's all centered around your—how did Maxie describe them? —sweet, small, round honeydews.

When I came up to her, I smiled and said, “Hello.”

She said, “Yes?”

I stuttered, “You're wonderful.”

I tried to look down her neckline.

“I don't believe it,” she said with a half smile.

She caught my wandering eyes. She lifted her bodice up a bit.

“What I meant was, I watched you dance, you have wonderful ti-t-talent.”

“Yes? So I have ti-ti-talent; now what?” She stood there with a teasing smile and an amused light in her eyes.

I lost my glib tongue for once. I was at a disadvantage. She knew what I was after, and she seemed to be laughing at me.

“All right, bashful boy,” she said. “So I have talent. You'll get me a Hollywood contract or a large part in a Broadway show if I'm nice to you, right? Does that help you? Is that what you wanted to say?”

She laughed at my chagrined expression.

“Something on that order,” I joined her laughter. “How would my chances be if I got you a dance number all alone, a solo, a specialty, right here?”

She looked at me with a teasing, speculative smile for a moment. She nodded her head in snap decision. “All right, tootsie boy,” she smiled. “I'll give you a deal. You get me a solo spot here, and I'm yours for tonight.”

“A bargain is a bargain,” I said. “No suitor has ever had a more arduous or perilous deed to perform for his lady fair.” I rattled it off. I was in good form again.

“You mean tackling that queer?” she laughed, motioning to Theodore.

“Yeh, him, Miss Theodorah,” I grinned.

“A tootsie boy like you should find it easy to handle a jerk like him,” she said.

“Why, what do you mean?”

“Give him your tootsie roll,” she laughed gaily.

I laughed at her brazenness. “Not me, baby, I ain't the type. I'll persuade him with a different tool.”

I walked over to the Fairy.

“Theodorah,” I said, taking him under the arm and walking him to one side. “I would like to converse with thee, dear, in private. There is something I would ask of thee.”

He was flushed and excited. He gushed out, “Yes, yes, dearest. This is what I prayed for. This is more than I ever expected. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew we were meant for each other. I love you wildly. You will marry me, won't you?”

He looked at me with wild pleading eyes. “I'm rich. I have money.”

Jesus Christ, I thought to myself, this bastard is crazy in the head besides being queer sexually. What the hell did I let myself in for? I looked at the girl. She waved and smiled to me.

“Look, Theodore,” I said gruffly, “cut out the goddamn histrionics. What the hell is the matter with you? Get control of yourself. Can't you tell when a guy is kidding in a tolerant sort of way?”

He looked at me, bewildered. “You weren't serious?” he whispered.

“Serious about what? You were thinking wishfully, running away with yourself. I didn't say anything to give you any kind of impression. I just thought I was being kind, pleasant, period. I understand a little of your condition, that you can't help yourself, that your nature is beyond your control. I feel sorry for your kind, Theodore. Repulsion and pity are the only emotions I feel for you.”

“Then what else did you want to speak to me about?” he whined.

“I'm sorry you misunderstood.”

What the hell is the matter with me? I'm too tolerant. I should lay the law down to this bastard. Tell him what I want done. If he doesn't do it, smack him around until he does. Nah, what the hell will bullying the guy prove? I'm more of a man than he is. I don't have to assert my manhood. This guy is mentally a woman.

I said, “I want you to do a favor for a friend of mine.”

“What kind of favor? And who for?”

“That girl there, the one smiling at us.”

“Her? That insipid hussy? I don't see what in heaven's name you can see in that uninteresting creature.”

“She's a woman. For me she's fun.”

“Women are for breeding children. Men are for pleasure,” Theodore said waggishly.

“Everybody to his own tastes, Theodore.” I was beginning to get annoyed. “I want you to give the girl a solo part.”

“All right, all right,” he sighed hopelessly. “For you I will do it.”

“Thanks, Theodore, I appreciate it.”

As we sauntered toward the girl, he whispered, “It will take me ever so long to overcome my infatuation for you.” I made out I didn't hear him.

To the girl he was all business. Briskly he said, “Have you a routine for a single?”

“I can develop one in a very short time,” she said. “By tomorrow.”

He looked at her, shaking his head.

“Theodore, you can teach her; you're known as the best dance master on Broadway.” To myself I said, you should live so long.

“Really? You have heard of me?” he smiled.

“Who hasn't?” I lied. “You have a reputation for your original dance improvisations and your masterful choreography.”

“M-m-m,” he murmured delightedly.

Maxie was gesturing to me. Jesus, he wants me to talk to this shmuck about the bimbo he's interested in. Goddamn. I forgot all about her. This is getting to be a pain in the ass. Oh, well. I approached the Fairy.

“Theodore, one more thing,” I began.

The door opened. I ignored Theodore and everybody else in the place. Max and I walked toward the tall heavy-set figure coming in. Cockeye and Patsy fell in behind us. When he came closer, Cockeye recognized him.

“Hello, Mike,” he said.

Cockeye whispered, “Big Mike, the Fairy's partner.”

“Oh, hello, boys,” Mike said.

Cockeye introduced us. We shook hands all around. He laughed after the introductions in a forced sort of way.

By his timorous and ingratiating manner it was evident that he had heard of us, and to him our names demanded respect.