The Hunger (16 page)
Paula looked at the tray that Linda was given, it contained a bowl of raisin bran, milk, and an egg. “How come you’ve got less than me?” she asked.
“You learn what to order after awhile,” whispered Linda in a quiet voice so the food lady couldn’t hear. “Raisin bran counts for the carbs and the raisins in it count as the fruit. It saves you a whole lot of eating.”
“Is that what you have every day?” asked Paula.
“You can’t order it every day or they catch on, but I order it every other day.”
The next humiliation was awaiting Paula after breakfast. She found out that in Phase 1, she was not to be trusted to be on her own for a full hour after every meal. She and Linda and two other girls played euchre to make the time pass.
Lunch and dinner routines were much like breakfast, and Paula felt that she was being stuffed
like a Thanksgiving turkey. Each meal, she was forced to eat some variation of two starches, one protein, one fruit, and one milk. There was also the dreaded “high energy” food that had to be consumed once a day. Basically, that was one fattening dessert like a slice of cheesecake, a brownie, or cookies with milk. Paula noticed on the first day that most of the girls opted to take their high energy food during lunch. Linda explained to her later that night when they were in their room that the dessert selections at lunch were less brutal than those at dinner. “You can get away with a yogurt and fruit,” she explained.
Weigh-ins were done on Mondays and Thursdays, and it was after her first Thursday weigh-in that Paula found out what the jogging shorts were for. “We’ll be doing your first videotape this afternoon, Paula,” announced Candy that morning after weigh-in.
Linda explained that she’d have a number of these done by the time she was through. Paula cringed at the idea of seeing herself in her revealing shorts and top. More humiliating was the thought of having a stranger videotape her in such vulnerable clothes. It was such an invasion of privacy. After the taping, Paula had been made to look at a chart of different body types and she was supposed to circle the body parts that most reminded her of her own. She angrily chose the fattest thighs and the fullest face and other terrible body parts
She and Candy sat and watched the video together later on. Paula was stunned at what she saw. The figure in the film was hunched over as if she were ashamed of herself. Was that really what she looked like? She also noticed the protruding collarbone. And her knees! They were made of huge knocking bones.
Every chance she got, Paula would curl up on her bed by the window and she would write in her journal. There were two parts to it now: one about her past life experiences, and one about the regimented life she was now living.
Monday, January 18, Phase 2
Two weeks of constant eating and constant supervision led to Paula’s promotion to Phase 2. She was afraid of what that meant on the scales. She already knew what it meant on her body. When she looked at herself in the full-length mirror in her room, she fixated on her thighs and how much bigger they were getting. This was supposed to be healthy?
But the graduation in phases also meant that she had added privileges. Her activity time could now be spent in either the library or the chapel. Paula loved going to the chapel because it was almost always empty. The high-ceilinged room with windows all around and light streaming in had an airy freedom about it. On
one wall was a poster showing the silhouette of a mother holding her newborn in front of an open window. There was a look of pure unconditional love in the mother’s eyes. Paula would stare at the picture and she would go into a kind of trance. More than once, Candy came down to find her to let her know that it was time for yet more food.
Her parents and Erik came to Guelph once a week to see her, but visiting time was limited, and they never seemed to know what to say. Most of the half hour would be spent in silence.
Gramma Pauline also came down once a week. There was so much Paula wanted to ask her, but this wasn’t the place. She knew that once she got onto the later phases of the program that she would be allowed to go off the hospital grounds for short visits. She looked forward to the day when she and her grandmother could go off somewhere private where they could talk.
Mandy came once. Paula hadn’t been expecting her and she felt humiliated that her old friend would see her in such a vulnerable condition. “Forget it,” said Mandy, hugging her. “It could just as easily be me here.” Mandy brought with her a gigantic “get well” card that had been signed by most of the kids in Paula’s home room. The thoughtful gesture brought tears to her eyes.
Monday, February 1, Phase 2
Linda graduated to Phase 3, just as Paula reached Phase 2. This meant that Linda only had to be supervised for half an hour after each meal. Paula and the others had to find someone else to make up their euchre fourth. The new fourth was a woman named Suzanne who was 250 pounds or more. She had been put on the ward after being diagnosed as a compulsive overeater. For the other girls on the ward, Suzanne was their worst nightmare. Would they end up looking like Suzanne if they continued eating all of this food?
Monday, February 15, Phase 2
A student nurse accompanied Candy on her weigh-in rounds. Paula didn’t mind her watching as she went into the bathroom and changed into her gown. She didn’t even complain when she followed close behind Candy, the two of them talking about her as if she couldn’t hear. She refused, however, to let the student nurse observe while she got weighed. “I don’t even know what I weigh anymore. Why should she?”
Paula was near to tears when she checked the board later that day to see if she had moved up a level. She hadn’t. Again! Linda was already in phase 6. At the rate Paula was going, she felt that she
would never get out of this place. She mentioned her concerns to Candy during a nutrition counselling session. “We’ll add a calorie booster to your food,” said Candy.
Paula had a sharp intake of breath. It seemed like such a sinister thing to do. Add calories to her food? She knew the calories of every bite she ate. How could she give up that control? “Let me think about it.”
“It’s not your decision, Paula,” replied Candy. “If you’re not gaining weight on the program, we’ve got to boost the calories. Your body’s reached a plateau.”
After that conversation, Paula looked at all of her dishes suspiciously. When a bottle of juice twisted open without giving that familiar vacuum “pop” Paula knew it had been tampered with. How many calories was she really consuming each day? It was terrifying not to have the numbers.
Monday, March 29, Phase 5.
When Paula scanned the postings after weigh-ins, she jumped for joy! Graduating to Phase 5 meant that she could have one unsupervised outing. She called her grandmother after breakfast.
“Would you like to take a walk in the park?”
“You did it!” Gramma cried. “Tell me when, and I’ll be there.”
She was allowed just thirty minutes off the hospital grounds, so Paula and her grandmother simply walked as far away from the hospital as they could in 15 minutes, then turned around and came back.
Paula began to ask her grandmother about her past before Georgetown. Pauline was still reluctant, but as Paula began to ask leading questions based on her dream, her grandmother began to open up. To her own surprise, she was pleased to have someone to talk to about the things that had happened in her own deep past. Paula’s dream triggered her grandmother’s memories and, together, they began to piece together the story of Grandma Pauline’s history before coming to Canada.
June 28, Phase 5
It was taking longer than the contract said, and Paula still had not achieved her goal. More than once, she slipped back down a level and struggled to regain what she had achieved. It was so difficult for her to let go of the numbers, be they calories or pounds. Learning to trust was the most difficult challenge of all.
Linda had reached Phase ten over a month ago, but she often came back to visit her friends in Homewood.
It surprised Paula that she didn’t consider Linda heavy, even though she obviously weighed so much more now. There was a sparkle in her eyes and a healthy glow in her cheeks. She exuded good health and happiness.
“Why are you out already, and I’m still here?” Paula moaned to her former roommate over a game of cards.
“Give yourself time,” said Linda. “And give yourself credit for what you’ve already achieved.”
That point was brought home to Paula later the same day when it was time to make one of the infamous video tapes. This time when she pulled on her jogging shorts, she noticed how snug they were. When she put on the skimpy top, she was alarmed by the bulges of fat under her arms. “That’s not fat, Paula,” Candy explained. “It’s breast tissue.”
When they sat down together to watch the tape, Candy announced, “I have a surprise for you. You can watch the segments you’ve done so far back to back.”
And Paula watched the figure on the screen transform. What she noticed first was the posture. In the first shot, she was a hunched over waif with a protruding collarbone and knock knees. In the second shot, she was sitting up a little straighter. She also noticed that her collarbone looked better. By the third shot, she was sitting upright and there was a trace of a smile on her face. The knock knees were gone, but her thighs were way too fat. Paula looked back at the posture though, and then at the smile. It was okay.
The last picture showed a dramatic transformation. This was a woman who was comfortable in her own skin. She sat straight and proud and her eyes had a sparkle to them. Like Linda’s. Her thighs were too fat though. And her stomach! “I have no angles!” she cried to Candy.
“You’re softer, more womanly,” replied Candy. “And remember, what you see as a rounded tummy will subside. When you first gain back the weight, it starts in your stomach and gradually gets redistributed.”
Paula looked back at the face and the collarbone. And the hands. They were healthy and capable and strong. The stomach would subside, she told herself. This was progress, but it was terrifying.
July 5, Phase 6
Paula hooted for joy when she read the posting and saw that she had graduated to Phase 6. She had finally passed the halfway point in her treatment! It had taken her much longer to get this far than she had ever anticipated.
Phase 6 symbolized a turning point in the program too. Patients who achieved this level were allowed a single overnight stay off hospital grounds each week.
Paula longed to sleep in her own bed, and she longed to spend some time in her own home. Most of all, Paula looked forward to visiting her grandmother far from the prying eyes of Homewood.
Her parents and brother came to bring her home for her overnight stay. It was wonderful to see them and it was a miracle to be going home, even if for just a short while.
Saturday, July 10
Paula wasn’t strong enough to jog to her grandmother’s on that first Saturday of freedom, but she could walk briskly and feel the air whip through her hair and ripple down her strong arms and legs.
Pauline was sitting on her verandah swing, sketching in charcoal. When she saw Paula come up the street, she put down her sketch pad and ran over to her, then hugged her hard. “I’ve got something to show you.”
She led her to a part of the house that Paula had never seen. There was a trap door just outside the kitchen and it led down a set of stone steps and into a low-ceilinged root cellar. It was so low that Paula had to crouch down to get through. On the dirt floor amidst the cobwebs and the mason jars, stood an ancient travel chest, covered with dust.
“Open it,” said Pauline.
Paula knelt before it and brushed the dirt off the top and then raised the lid. It opened easily. Inside was a bundle of cloth.
“We’ll take it upstairs for a better look,” said Pauline.
They spread the bundle out on the kitchen table and Paula gasped with surprise. The outer layer of the bundle was made of black cloth. Within it lay the tiny sickle! It gleamed as if it were new.
Paula picked it up and ran her finger along the inner blade and watched as a bead of blood formed on her fingertip. “I never dreamed I’d see this again.”
She set it gently down on the table and then picked up the coarse black cloth that had been wrapped around it. When she opened it, she realized that it was a chador just like the one that she used to wear.
“That belonged to my aunt—my adoptive mother, Marta.”
Paula held it up to herself and saw that it was the right fit. She breathed in the familiar dusky scent and a shiver of recognition coursed through her. The next layer in the bundle was colourful silky cloth. When Paula unfolded that, she found that it was a harem outfit, but much finer than the sort she had worn.
“This belonged to my mother, Mariam,” said Pauline. She and I both wore outfits like that before the missionaries rescued us.
“You were born in a harem?” asked Paula.
“Yes.”
“What happened to Mariam?”
“My father hired mercenaries to get her back.”
“You mean he kidnapped her back?”
“Or rescued her back. She and I had been taken back to the orphanage by the missionaries, but the orphanage was being attacked by Turks. He knew that, and knew she was in danger. They would have rescued me back too, but they couldn’t find me.”
“And so you were left.”
“Yes. That part of my life had ended, but a new one had just begun.”
the hunger resource list
Eating disorder help organization:
In Canada:
National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC)
College Wing 1-211
200 Elizabeth Street
Toronto ON
M5G 2C4
(416)-340-4156
website: http://www.nedic.on.ca
In the U.S.A:
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention Incorporated (EDAP)
603 Stewart Street, Suite 803
Seattle WA 98101
(206) 382-3587
1-800-931-2237
website: http://members.aol.com/edapinc
Armenian genocide novels: