The Impact of You (19 page)

I have no idea where Jase and I stand. Is this just physical for him? Does he want something more? Is he over my past? The questions
won’t stop, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I hope that Jase, who knows about my past, would understand that some things will be uncomfortable for me. But his mouth was demanding, his hands insistent, and he’d nearly pushed me over the edge before I got control back. I don’t trust him not to hurt me again. To leave me high and dry when he stops and thinks about the pictures again.

Once I get my breathing under control, I
get dressed and curl up in the big bed, hugging a pillow against my chest to combat the empty feeling inside. It does little good, because the pillow smells like him. It’s comforting, but it also makes the throb in my chest more painful.

I spend
the night tossing and turning against the lumpy mattress, begging my brain to shut off so I can sleep. Sleep finally comes, but it’s restless.

In the morning, neither
Jase nor I speak about last night. We grab breakfast from the lobby – bitter tasting coffee and stale muffins – and hit the road. I can tell he regrets coming with me. Hell, he probably thinks I’m an all-out basket case. And maybe I am. But I can’t focus on everything that’s gone wrong between us right now. Today is the today I’ve been waiting for all my life. I push away the dark, swirling thoughts about Jase’s hasty departure last night and climb into the car.

After two hours of driving, I pull off the highway
with the excuse of needing to fill up the gas tank, but really I just need a break. My knuckles are sore from gripping the steering wheel and my emotions are all over the place. Luckily, Jase doesn’t comment that I still have half a tank, he just gets out of the car and begins pumping the gas, then offers to drive the last leg of the trip. I merely nod and shove the keys at him.

Jase’s expression is guarded and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. But I try not to worry about that, and instead slump into the passenger seat while he runs inside to the convenience store. He returns a few minutes later with
bottles of water and soda and a few chocolate bars.

He gets in beside me and dumps everything onto my lap. “You should have some sugar…it’ll make you feel better.”

I nod and tear into a Hershey’s bar, taking a small nibble from the corner. Jase is right, the sugar floods my system and perks me up the slightest bit. I finish the whole chocolate bar and drink half the soda as he takes over driving. We’re getting close now – the GPS on my phone says only a couple more turns before we reach our final destination. It sounds ominous.

Jase is silent, but I can see him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye as he drives. We still haven’t talked about last night. I wonder if I should feel embarrassed for
practically kicking him out of my room naked and very obviously turned on, but that’s not even making the cut right now. My entire being is absorbed by the fact I’m about to meet my mom.

Eventually we pull onto a tree-lined street
. The homes are small, but well-maintained. It’s surreal to finally see where she lives – to think, if things had been different, this is where I could’ve grown up. I watch the addresses as we pass and my heartbeat builds to a staggering level in my chest.

Jase slows to a stop and parks in front of a single-story brick home with a paved brick walkway cutting through the front yard. “We’re here.”

Jase

Watching Avery meet her mom for the first time is physically painful. I can feel the jittery
excitement, the thick awkward air hanging around us as they take each other in, the moment Avery decides they should hug and reaches out in a sloppy attempt at a one-armed embrace. God, I wish I could make this moment easier on her. Jessica, her mom, hugs her back, flinging both arms around. They sob onto each other’s shoulders. A tight feeling invades my chest as I watch them.

There’s no denying the resemblance. Avery and her mom share
many of the same features: their long, wavy auburn-colored hair, the bright emerald eyes and smattering of freckles across the bridge of their noses. Watching them hug is more emotionally taxing than I would have thought. I’d approached this whole thing with Avery in mind – being there for her was my goal. I didn’t expect to be overcome at the sight of their reunion. Yet, I can’t deny that watching a mother and child lay eyes on each other for the first time in nineteen years doesn’t pull at something deep inside me. My chest gets tight, and I can’t help but think of my own parents right now. Even if we’ve gone through some messed up stuff together, I’m still glad they’re my parents. I can’t imagine the emotions of knowing you were put up for adoption. It makes me want to hold Avery, to kiss away her tears. I vow never to fuck up again with her like I did last night. She deserves more, and if she’ll let me try again, I intend to give her everything.

After several minutes of hugging, sobbing
and pointing out similarities, Jessica releases her hold on Avery and I introduce myself as Avery’s friend. Feeling generous, she gives me a solid hug too. Apparently the atmosphere is contagious. Jessica leads us up the walkway toward the house and I find Avery’s hand, squeezing it in mine. She wipes at her eyes and gives me a shaky smile. I’m so glad she didn’t insist on doing this alone.

Jessica’s house is small, but nicely decorated. The living room holds two couches separated b
y a coffee table tackled with books. She directs me and Avery to take a seat. I let Avery choose her spot, then sit down next to her. Jessica sits across from us, and silence fills the room as the enormity of this moment sinks in.

“
Sooo…” I chuckle nervously, attempting to help jumpstart the conversation that neither of them seems to know how to begin. “Jessica, what do you do?”

She swallows and tears her eyes away from Avery briefly. “Oh, right.” She smiles warmly. “I teach high school English.
”

Avery’s eyes widen. “English was my favorite subject in high school.”

Jessica continues and we learn she isn’t married and doesn’t have any other children. She lives alone, aside from a cat, and loves to read – another thing she and Avery have in common. I think Avery’s relieved to find she’s so normal. I know I am. I would have felt terrible for Avery to discover her mom was a weirdo.

Jessica prepares
sandwiches for lunch and they catch up while we eat. I notice they have the same mannerisms – fidgeting with their napkins, tucking hair behind their ears, even their posture is the same. It’s uncanny.

After lunch
, Avery shares some photos from her childhood, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her dads. They seem like a happy family. Jessica asks some questions, but doesn’t pry. She keeps the conversation more in the here and now – what Avery’s majoring in, how she likes her classes, things like that. Avery, taking her cues from Jessica, doesn’t delve into the past either, though she’s got to be curious about Jessica’s decision to give her up for adoption, about her birthfather. I know I am. But perhaps there’s a certain etiquette to these things, and the heavier topics will come at the next meeting.

All too soon,
it’s late afternoon, and Avery and I prepare to leave. Jessica hugs us each one last time with teary eyes and tells Avery to email or call anytime. As soon as we’re outside the door, I pull Avery into my arms. Her breath releases in a sigh and she relaxes against me. “I’m proud of you,” I whisper. Her arms tighten around my waist.

Avery’s silent and contemplative on the drive to the hotel. We
plan to spend one night in Denver and then make the long drive back on Sunday.

When we reach the hotel, Avery looks exhausted.
“Thanks for being here.”

I can’t help but
reach out to touch her. I push the hair back from her face, stroking her cheek softly. “Anytime, Whistle. You doing okay?”

She smiles at the nickname and nods.
“Yeah. It went much better than I expected.”

I have to agree, and I’m sure she was mentally preparing herself for the worst too. Avery yawns loudly and I chuckle. She has a content smile on her face, but I can tell today emotionally drained her, and if she was as restless as I was last night, she’s got to be exhausted. “Why don’t you go take a nap, and then we’ll go out to dinner later?”

She nods. “Okay.”

We part ways, Avery goes into her room and I head into
mine. I lie down on the bed trying to clear my head. Only I can’t concentrate. All I can think about is the girl on the other side of the door, and wonder if maybe she needs me. I shuffle to the door separating our rooms and knock softly. It opens right away, like Avery was waiting right there.

“Hi,” she says, softly.

“Hey. You want some company?”

She nods and motions me inside. Avery collapses onto the bed and scoots over, making room for me. We
lie side by side and stare up at the bumpy stucco ceiling.

“Today was pretty heavy, huh?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“How do you feel?”

She takes her time responding. “It went better than I ever hoped for. She’s nice and normal.”

I nod, encouraging her. I want to reach out and take her hand again, but I hesitate. I don’t want her thinking I’m in here for any other reason than just to be here for her
and to talk. “Is she what you imagined? You look just like her.”

Avery sighs and continues, “
Yeah, that was kinda cool. I always wondered if I looked like her. But that sadness inside me didn’t just vanish when I met her. I guess you can’t erase nineteen years’ worth of being absent – of giving me up in the first place.”

This time I don’t hesitate. I take her hand and lace her fingers between mine.
She turns her head to the side and gives me a shaky smile. “Are you okay?”

She nods.
“Yeah. I didn’t want to ask her about any of that this first time. I didn’t want to spoil the moment, you know?”

I give her hand a squeeze and wait for her to continue.

“And I guess it just cemented that my dads really are my family.”

“They love you,” I say, remembering the photos I saw of Avery as a little girl in between the two beaming-with-pride men. She was clearly adored and very much wanted by them.

“I know. They wanted to come today. And so did Madison and Noah, for that matter.”

“But you let me,” I say.

Avery doesn’t respond, she just watches me while the weight of the moment between us blooms into more. The air around us is heavy, and I wish things could go back to being easy and carefree. But I know she needs me now more than ever.

A single tear slips from the corner of her eye. I’m not surprised
; I’d been wondering how she was still holding it together. Dampness swims in her eyes, but she doesn’t look away. I rub the back of her hand lightly with my thumb. “It’s okay. Let it out. I’ve got you.” 

She does, turning to fit herself in my arms,
and sobs into my neck, her chest heaving with each ragged breath. Each cry that breaks through her throat cuts me open. I hold her through it all, knowing there’s no place I’d rather be.

Avery

I sob for all the lost time, the memories that we’d never create, the mother that abandoned me as a baby. I cry for a life that could have been. For the choice my mom had to make and at such a young age, and for the circumstances that led to that decision.

Life
is a crapshoot. We’ve all been dealt a hand that we have no choice but to play – my mom by getting pregnant too young, me with simply the circumstances I was born into.

After meeting her face to face, seeing how normal she
is, I’m not immature enough to believe she’d given me up because I was a bad baby. No. She’d made the best decision she could for me and for herself. But that didn’t make this any easier. She’d done the most selfless thing she could do. She’d given me to two loving parents who desperately wanted a child. It broke my heart. There’s grief and loss mixed in with happiness and joy. It’s all too much.

Jase just holds me. He
lets me completely fall apart. He doesn’t say anything, other than making calming sounds meant to soothe. He rubs my back in slow circles and rocks me silently against his chest. I can’t even let myself hope what his presence might mean. He’s here now, all solid and warm, and holding me. It’s not nearly enough, but it’ll do. For now.

By
the time I’m all cried out, my throat is raw and Jase’s T-shirt is soaked with my tears, but he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about this shirt. His hand continues its soothing path, rubbing slow circles between my shoulder blades while my breathing returns to normal.

Jase

When her tears finally stop, little unsteady hiccups continue to rasp in her chest for several minutes more. Avery eventually lifts her head from my shoulder and blinks up at me, wiping away the
remnants of her makeup.

“I’m sorry,” she croaks, h
er voice raw from crying.

“No. Don’t be. I’m glad you let it out, and I’m glad I could be here for you.”