The Insect Rosary (21 page)

Then

Nancy's last words this morning echoed around my head.

‘Behave yourself, Bernadette.'

As if.

I thought about when I'd seen Tommy. It was rarely two days together. There was usually one or two days in between them. So, if I'd seen him yesterday I wouldn't see him today. Dad was coming the day after next and then I wouldn't see Tommy at all. So, he wouldn't be here today, but probably would be tomorrow. And before Dad came, I would look at the missing part of the circle that Dad had mapped out.

Even in England Dad liked to get out into fields, but there weren't many stones near us. He had a metal detector and everything. Some people didn't like him having it. They thought it made him a thief. I thought that if he found something they didn't even know was there, if wasn't really stealing. Anyway I'd seen him find things and he always showed the farmers, who turned up their noses and said, ‘If it's not worth money you can have it.' It might be half a belt buckle or a button, but it hadn't been worth money very often. I got a bit bored when I realised there wasn't going to be any real treasure even though he said it was precious. I had even seen it and not noticed. That's when he explained to me about the field, how he thought it was a bigger and more important Giant's Ring, cut into sections by later roads and hedgerows. Mum didn't care what he thought it was. She said it was up to Donn and Agatha what went on their fields. They hadn't had pylons and they weren't going to have scientists and historians and signposts, and he had no right to tell them otherwise. If anyone turned up they'd know who to blame, and anyway, they all knew that their great grandfather had put the stones there and that was that.

Last summer I had crossed the road with Dad to look in the other fields for large stones in the walls around the field. Dad said that's most likely where they would have put them. It was hard to see though because there were often hedges too, or brambles or gorse that had grown to like the shelter of the wall and clung to it. Now that Nancy was busy I decided I would work harder at this and hand all of my work to Dad when he came over.

Nancy wasn't around. I didn't know if she was with Tommy or Catriona or some other exciting adult, and I didn't care. As I didn't have Nancy, I took Bruce. I stumbled over the cow grill at the bottom of the drive and crossed the road. I wasn't going to go straight in the field. I would keep watch, especially for Nancy who would love to have something to tell Tommy. Bruce followed, his nails clicking on the tarmac. I opened the gate opposite and crouched down to see any dip and rise in the field. Bruce nuzzled at my hand for a stroke. I stroked him twice, then raced Bruce to the middle of the field and looked back towards the road.

I seemed to be higher up here, but the slope was too gradual to mark out with the eye. The long grass didn't help. The sheep would be moved here next once they'd eaten all the grass in Bryn's field and after that it would probably be clearer. If it was there at all. I sat down with Bruce, who immediately flipped over onto his back with two legs in the air. I rubbed his belly as I looked back towards the house, not seeing any of it past the hedges and trees that were thick in front of it.

I made my decision and stood up. Tommy knew about last time because I used the gate near the barns. If I used the gate on the road he wouldn't see me.

‘Come on,' I said. Bruce ran back to the gate and waited for me, even though he could wriggle through. I always left the farm desperate for a dog of my own, a clever and obedient dog who wouldn't snap or bark unless he was supposed to. He sat as I looked at the road, followed me across and waited by the next gate. I wondered about him coming into the field. He would behave, but the sheep might run away like idiots anyway and let someone know we were there.

‘Slowly,' I said, and fastened the gate back up. He waited next to me, his eyes on the sheep who all watched us. A couple moved away but the rest looked like they were holding their breath. I walked to the stones and sat down. So did Bruce. The sheep went back to eating, but Bruce didn't fall onto his back. He watched them because they expected him to. I held my hand out to the stones. Dad always did that. I used to think he was working out what kind of stone it was by the temperature, but now I think he just liked touching something so old. It was cool, rough with moss in places.

I stood slowly and looked at the dropped top stone, the uprights pushed out of line. The top stone had dipped but hadn't fallen right down and I crouched down to see how much space was underneath it. There was something there, something black with a slight sheen. I reached out to feel what it was and then got scared and snatched my hand back. We'd seen Tommy here with a black bag. I didn't want to know.

I walked fast, as slowly as I could, to the gate. I slapped my leg for Bruce, but he was already ahead of me. I fumbled the nylon but was finally the other side and hooking it back. I glanced at the sheep. I could see a figure standing by the shed gate, next to the cows. The figure lifted an arm and saluted me. I'd been caught.

I walked back to the front garden, slipping again on the grill, and hid in the rhododendrons with Bruce until I was called in for dinner.

‘I'm not well,' I told Mum, holding my stomach. ‘Can I just go to bed?'

She placed her hand on my forehead. ‘Are you sure you don't want to eat a little bit?'

I saw Nancy behind her, smiling. ‘No thanks.'

‘OK, I'll come up and see you soon.'

I lay down and tried and tried and tried to sleep but I could only see one thing when I closed my eyes.

 

I was woken by Nancy poking me in the back. I raised my head.

‘What?'

‘Tommy wants to see you.'

I sat up. ‘What do you mean? Why?'

‘You know why.'

I buried my head back in the pillow.

I would talk to Mum in the morning. I would get her to ask Dad to come early. Whatever happened I would keep away from Tommy.

I didn't get back to sleep until I'd heard everyone go to bed. I thought about sneaking out of the room and getting into Mum's bed, but couldn't bear to open the door into the darkness, let alone step out into it.

Now

Nancy looked for Bernie when she got back, but couldn't find her. She'd seen the kids out the front with Elian. Adrian was cleaning out the car with a handheld vacuum.

‘Where's Bernie?' she shouted above the hum. He shrugged.

She wasn't there. Not downstairs or upstairs. Nancy thought of the hay loft and went past the barns, through the yard still heaped with junk. They hadn't even moved that much of it.

She saw the gate was open. The gate Tommy had leaned on. Bernie had gone to see Tommy. Somehow she knew.

Nancy hadn't put on boots for the search and could feel the mud seeping into her socks as she half ran past the silo. She persuaded herself she was wrong, that Bernie wouldn't go alone, and looked for her in the fields on the way and paused on the bridge to look over the hedges. There was no sign of her. She carried on to Tommy's farm.

She heard the dogs barking and followed the sound. Bernie was shouting somewhere outside, but it sounded like the dogs were inside. Nancy stopped. She saw Bernie standing in a barn and, sitting on a bale, Tommy. He was smiling.

‘We've found the body!' Bernie said, her hands open. ‘You can't deny a body.'

They both turned as they heard Nancy running towards them.

‘Bernie, what are you doing?' she said.

Bernie's eyes were wide and her lashes were clumped with dried tears.

‘I'm so sick of waiting, Nancy. I need to know.'

‘Need to know what?' asked Tommy, looking at Nancy.

Her stomach turned over.

Bernie said, ‘I need to know that you killed Ryan. I need to know why. I need to know that what I remember is true, the stones, the barn, the gun.'

‘You do know, Bernie,' said Nancy, touching her shoulder.

Bernie moved away. ‘I know it's true but I need to hear someone else say it.' She turned to Tommy. ‘Just say it! It's not about the police or justice or anything like that, it's just for me.'

‘Yeah, Nancy,' said Tommy, ‘why don't you just say it?'

‘She's told me enough,' said Bernie.

‘But not everything.' Tommy crossed his legs. He was so calm, so confident. The anger bubbled up from Nancy's stomach.

‘Not everything,' Nancy said. ‘She's right, though, isn't she? It was all down to you.'

‘So,' Tommy gestured to Bernie, ‘go ahead. Tell her everything you know.'

Nancy turned to Bernie, ‘Did he tell you anything? Did he tell you that he kissed me? I was twelve. And did he do anything else?' She looked at Tommy. ‘Did you?'

He looked confused. His eyes flicked to the farmhouse.

‘So, he may be very cool about being a freedom fighter and all that shit, but a paedophile?'

Tommy stood and his smiled faded. ‘Hey, hold on.'

Bernie smiled. ‘Quite a reaction there, Tommy. There wasn't a flicker when I called you a murderer.'

‘It was nothing like that,' he said.

Nancy tilted her head to one side. ‘Not in the eighties, maybe. But now? It's seen quite differently now, isn't it Bernie?'

She nodded.

‘Just fucking wait there,' he said.

‘Paedophile.' Nancy tapped her fingers against her lips. ‘That's something that could destroy a family man. That's something that could destroy any kind of reputation.'

‘It wasn't anything like that. It wasn't anything to give a name like that to.'

‘So, you took a twelve year old girl out in a car under the pretence of giving her driving lessons for what reason, then?'

He looked towards the house again.

‘You have a daughter, don't you, Tommy? These things affect everyone, these labels that never wash off. Your daughter will always be that pervert's daughter and your son will have to move away. It's not fair, but that's how it goes.'

His hands flexed in front of him.

‘Only it's so easy now to tell people things. We could have a website up and running in a day letting everyone know about you and your – preferences.' Nancy turned to Bernie. ‘Have you got your phone on you? We could take a picture for it.'

Bernie patted down her pockets. ‘We'll have to come back.'

‘What the fuck do you want from me?' he asked Nancy. ‘She wants fairytales, but what do you get out of this?'

‘Oh, I don't know.' She looked at him. ‘Don't buy the farm?'

He snorted.

‘I'm quite happy to feature on this website, you know. I don't need to prove anything. I live abroad, it's going to be a local whirlwind. All those instances in the past that people covered up or turned away from. All those glances you thought went unnoticed. They'll snowball.'

Bernie nodded. ‘Doesn't take much.'

Tommy walked up to Nancy and spat at her feet. ‘You'll pay.' Up close, his thinning hair and drawn cheeks made him look less frightening. He looked old.

She managed not to cry or cringe or run. ‘You haven't aged well, Tommy.'

He walked from the barn and towards the house.

‘Do you think we should go before the dogs come?' said Bernie.

‘Yes. Or the shotgun.'

They walked quickly to the gate and then ran down the road. Pausing at the bridge they looked behind them. There was nothing but the sound of distant barking. They smiled at each other and caught their breath.

‘That was probably a bit stupid,' said Bernie.

‘Probably. What the hell were you thinking trying to get him to talk? Men like him don't last long if they can't keep their mouths shut.'

‘What about you? Paedophile? He wasn't expecting that!' Bernie began to laugh and then stopped. ‘He didn't –'

‘No, he didn't. It was three kisses.'

Bernie shuddered.

‘I know.'

They started to walk back. Nancy thought of the places she and Bernie had played and shivered – the hay loft, the dilapidated stables, the field next to the sheep dip, the lanes with their blind corners. She thought she even remembered daring Bernie to jump as hard as she could on the metal disc which covered the well. A well so deep they had never been allowed to even look down it. Bernie wouldn't have done it though. Then again, Nancy had been able to persuade her to do quite a lot.

She realised she didn't want the farm at all. She wanted to be at the farm with Bernie. She wanted to be a child again and play in the hay loft and stroke cows and make plans with Bernie. Everything she thought she'd felt about the farm was really about them.

‘I still need to know,' said Bernie.

Nancy sighed. ‘What's if it's not what you need to hear? When it's said, I can't take it back.'

Bernie stopped. ‘I'll live.'

‘When did you last hear from Mum?'

‘Not for a while.'

‘Is she sick? Is she –'

Bernie looked at Nancy. ‘She hasn't said anything. But I've wondered. Adrian says she doesn't look good. I've tried to ask and she puts me off. I thought she might have said something to you.'

Nancy carried on walking. ‘Maybe Florence knows.'

‘Maybe.'

 

Nancy sat at the kitchen window after dinner. Bernie kept looking at her. Waiting. Saying nothing.

Then

Tommy wants to see me. It ran through my head as I ate my breakfast, brushed my teeth and hung close to Mum.

Nancy didn't disappear. She kept looking at me and saying things like, ‘Want to go out the front, Bern? Want to look at the sheep, Bern?'

‘Go on,' said Mum, ‘why are you hanging around here?'

‘I still don't feel well,' I said.

‘You'll feel better for a bit of fresh air.'

I followed Nancy through the hall and the kitchen, and took as long as I could pulling my wellies on. She smiled at me and that made me nervous. Donn was out so Bruce wasn't there. I called him anyway. We walked through the yard and she pointed at the small pile of drying peat.

‘Donn's cutting more turf.'

‘Oh.'

‘Where shall we go? The hay barn?'

I shook my head. I wasn't going to walk past those dark windows and sticking doors. I wasn't going to walk anywhere near where Tommy might be hiding.

‘He's not there, you know. He's gone to Dublin today.' She looked as if she was telling the truth.

‘I just don't want to. It's not raining.'

‘How about –'

I took a couple of steps back to the house, ‘Look, you're going to take me to him. I don't care what you say. You're on his side.'

‘He's not even here, you idiot!' She laughed.

‘Don't laugh at me. You just fancy him. You're the idiot.'

She blushed scarlet and turned away. I walked to the archway at the side of the house and then stopped. She was kicking at the gravel. Like she was actually upset by what I'd said. I watched her walk away, not looking back at me. I didn't want to go back in the house or follow her. I wished I could just sit where I was and have no-one notice, waiting until Dad arrived and it was safe again. The back door opened and I saw Sister Agatha come out. I ran after Nancy.

She was back in the rhododendrons with the bows and the arrows that never flew, snapping them into pieces. I sat down on a lump of tyre and grass and watched her. She sneered at me.

‘I don't fancy him.'

‘Yeah, right.'

She snapped the final arrow and threw all the pieces into the mass of twigs under one of the bushes. She picked a long piece of grass and began to shred it with her fingernail.

‘Want to look for some cartridges?' I said.

She shrugged, and we wandered out into the trees. I found one, not live, and she found two. I walked down to the gate and stood on the bottom fence strut. She straddled the fence and sat on the top one. I leaned my arms over and balanced with my legs out so all my weight was on my armpits. That really hurt quite quickly and I stood up again.

Nancy looked posed as she pulled out her hairband. She'd been brushing again, her long hair shiny.

‘What does he talk about with you?'

‘Grown-up things.'

‘What, like, “Nancy you're so lovely”?'

‘Like politics, actually.'

I could hear a tractor further up the road and watched for it, but it must have pulled into a field. I felt watched. I scanned the trees, the fields across the road, but there was nothing moving.

‘How would you feel,' Nancy said, ‘if where you lived was full of soldiers, pointing their guns at you? Not being able to drive without being stopped and searched all the time, like a criminal.'

I laughed. ‘You have been driving as a criminal. You don't have a licence.'

She sneered. ‘You're so childish. Remember how you felt in the village. Not being able to do your shopping without having to look at machine guns.'

I shivered.

‘We're part of the occupation.' Nancy, straight backed and solemn, sounded like him.

‘I'm not part of anything.' I jumped backwards and began to walk away.

‘Tommy says he'll let you look at the stones, but not in the daytime because he doesn't want anyone seeing you there.'

‘They're not his stones. What's it got to do with him?'

‘Donn wants to keep them a secret. Tommy understands that, which is more than you do. So he'll let you see them tonight.'

‘No, thanks. I saw them.'

Nancy ran to catch me up. ‘He wants you to be the only person that knows their true history. He chose you, Bern.' Her eyes sparkled. ‘You need to prove that you have the right blood.'

That word reminded me of the smell in Cassie's room, the smell of warm copper coins, the smell of meat before it was cooked.

‘I hate him. No way am I going to look at anything with him.'

‘Dad would love to know though, wouldn't he? He loves stones and history. If there is a story and you could tell him, imagine what he'd say.'

I folded my arms. ‘So Tommy would tell me a secret that I was allowed to tell Dad? Not very secret after all.'

Nancy frowned and grabbed my left arm. ‘You'd have to swear Dad to not tell, like I'm swearing you, Bern.'

‘I haven't sworn. I'm going to tell Mum.' I whipped my arm from her hand and ran to the house. Mum was in the kitchen, making a pot of tea. Florence wasn't with her, for once.

‘Look at your wellies! You didn't come through the house, did you? Agatha will kill you.'

I didn't look at my wellies. ‘Mum, the other night, when Tommy came and Catriona was here, what was in his car?'

‘Oh, Bernie, you don't want to know that,' she said. She stroked my head, ‘Forget about it.'

‘I do want to know, really.' I shook her arm. ‘Please.'

She bent down and spoke quietly. ‘He'd shot a dog that was worrying his sheep and thought Donn might know whose dog it was. OK? Don't tell the others.'

My hand fell away.

‘He lost two. It's important. They're not pets, Bernie, it's his job.'

I looked at the door to Cassie's room. It might have been an animal I heard. It might have been anything.

‘What do you think of Tommy?' I asked.

She shook her head and poured some boiled water into the tea pot, swirled it and emptied it. She put the loose tea in and filled it up again. When she looked back I was still waiting.

‘Your dad is coming tomorrow,' she said, trying to smile. ‘It will be nice to see him, won't it?'

I nodded and went out to the lobby to take my wellies off. Nancy was waiting for me. She'd been listening.

‘He'll be waiting for you after midnight.'

‘I'm not going out in the dark with him on my own.'

‘I'll come with you, silly,' she said, her eyes sliding to the door. ‘We can take Bruce as well. It will be the best adventure yet.'

I hesitated. ‘I'll think about it.'

‘Come on Bern, let's go back outside. I want to go to the hay loft before Dad gets here. We never have any time once he's got his list of places to go.'

I nodded. She opened the back door as Donn came into the yard with Bruce. Donn went inside and Bruce came with us. I caught a glimpse of Mum standing at the kitchen window, watching.

Nancy said nothing else about Tommy for the rest of the afternoon and I started to relax. It was like before, bad singing, stories about Sandra and her hair, looking out for rats and stroking Bruce.

After all, I could just say no.