The Instructions

ADAM LEVIN

THE INSTRUCTIONS

ADAM LEVIN

ADAM LEVIN

THE INSTRUCTIONS

THE INSTRUCTIONS

2

ADAM LEVIN

THE INSTRUCTIONS

3

For my parents, Lanny and Atara Levin

M c S W E E N E Y ’ S B O O K S

SAN FRANCISCO

www.mcsweeneys.net

Copyright © 2010 Adam Levin

Cover art by Walter Green

Interior diagrams by Julian Birchman and Adam Levin All rights reserved, including right of reproduction in whole or in part, in any form.

McSweeney’s and colophon are registered trademarks of McSweeney’s, a privately held company with wildly fluctuating resources.

For my parents, Lanny and Atara Levin

THE

INSTRUCTIONS

It is a curious enigma that so great a mind would question the most obvious realities and object even to things scien-tifically demonstrated… while believing absolutely in his Gurion ben-Judah Maccabee

own fantastic explanations of the same phenomena.

—Flann O’Brien,
The Third Policeman

Translated and re-translated

from the Hebrew and the English

by Eliyahu of Brooklyn and Emmanuel Liebman

THE

INSTRUCTIONS

Gurion ben-Judah Maccabee

Translated and re-translated

from the Hebrew and the English

by Eliyahu of Brooklyn and Emmanuel Liebman

In light of the controversy surrounding our decision to publish
The Instructions
, we wish to clarify the following, once and for all: Gurion Maccabee has received no financial remuneration from us, nor will he ever. In purchasing this book, we paid an advance against royalties directly to the Scholars Fund, and we will continue to pay any and all future royalties to the Scholars Fund after Maccabee reaches the age of majority in June of next year, and regardless
of whether the U.S. government ultimately convicts, acquits, or fails to prosecute him for crimes relating to “the Damage Proper,” “the 11/17 Miracle,” or any other event pertaining to “the Gurionic War.” Furthermore, a recent investigation conducted by the National Security Agency has determined that the Scholars Fund, though indeed managed by associates of Maccabee’s translators, is neither a terrorist organization nor a sponsor of terrorist organizations.

Conscientious readers need not be troubled.

—David Feldman, Publisher

December 2013

C O N T E N T S

Blessings of
The insTrucTions
and the Gurionic War THE SIDE OF DAMAGE

1. Eliza June Watermark

2. Guns and Inquisitions

3. Damage

4. First Scripture

5. The Arrangement

6. Dark Enough

7. Signify

8. Vandal

9. Sophistry

10. Artful

11. Teachers

12. Deface

THE GURIONIC WAR

TranslaTor’s noTe

13. The Five

14. Death to The Jew

15. Tactical

16. Names

17. Scuffles

18. Commentary on Commentaries

19. We

20. Proper

21. The Verbosity of Hope

22. Control

CODA

BLESSINGS OF
THE INSTRUCTIONS
AND THE GURIONIC WAR

There is damage. There was always damage and there will be more damage, but not always. Were there always to be more damage, damage would be an aspect of perfection. We would all be angels, one-legged and faceless, seething with endless, hopeless praise.

Bless Adonai for making us better than angels. Blessed is Adonai for making us human.

Some damage is but destructive, and other damage, through destruction, repairs. It is often impossible, especially while the damage is being brought, to distinguish between the one kind and the other, but because You’ve made scholars who know of
the distinction, we fight to forgive You. Because You know that Your mistakes, though a part of You, are nonetheless mistakes, we accept that Your mistakes, though Yours, are ours to repair.

Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, King of the Universe, Who selected us from all the scholars and gave us
The Instructions
and the Gurionic War. Bless You, Adonai, Giver of the second kind of damage.

We want only to fix You.

So let us mistake destruction for reparation with no greater frequency than we would blood for loyalty, loyalty for love, or books for weapons.

Help us to be more scholarly. Help us damage Your mistakes. Show us, Adonai, when to set aside our books for weapons, for sometimes scholars must become soldiers, Adonai, for sometimes only soldiers can fix You, Adonai, and only while fixing can we forgive You, Adonai, for those times when only soldiers can fix You, Adonai.

(Amen)

The Side of Damage

Verbosity is like the iniquity of idolatry.

—15:23 Samuel I

THE INSTRUCTIONS

1

ELIZA JUNE

WATERMARK

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

2nd–3rd Period

THE INSTRUCTIONS

Benji Nakamook thought we should waterboard each

other, me and him and Vincie Portite. We wouldn’t count the seconds to see who was bravest or whose lungs were deepest—this wasn’t for a contest. We’d each be held under til the moment the possibility of death became real to us, and in that moment, according to Benji, we’d have to draw one of the following conclusions: “My best friends are about to accidentally drown me!” or “My best friends are actually trying to drown me!” The point was to learn what it was we feared more: being misunderstood or being betrayed.

“That is
so
fucken stupid,” Vincie Portite said. “No way I’d think you were trying to drown me.”

“You don’t know what you’ll think,” Nakamook told him.

“Right now you’re rational. Facing death, you won’t be. That’s how methods like waterboarding operate.” Benji’d been reading a book about torture. “This one guy,” he said, “Ali Al-Jahani, specifically stated that—”

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ADAM LEVIN

THE INSTRUCTIONS

“Ali Al-Whatever whatever,” said Vincie. “I’ll do it if, one, you stop talking about that book—it’s getting fucken old—and two, if Gurion’s down. But it’s stupid.”

It did seem stupid, but Benji wasn’t stupid, not even remotely, and I hated disappointing him. I said I was down.

Vincie said, “Fuck.”

Splashing on a kickfloat a couple feet away was Isadore Momo, a shy foreign chubnik who barely spoke English, but the rest of the class was over in the deep end. Benji reached out, tapped Momo on the ankle. “You’re wanted over there,” he said, pointing to the others.

“By whom?” Momo said.

“By me,” said Benji.

“Sorry. I am sorry. Sorry,” said Momo. He got off the kickfloat and fled.

Benji told us: “I’ll thrash before my death seems real. You’ll have to keep me under for a little while after that.”

“How long’s a little while?” Vincie Portite said.

“Decide when I’m under. If I know, this won’t work.”

I clutched one shoulder, palmed the crown of his skull. Vincie clutched the other shoulder and the back of his neck. Benji exhaled all the breath in his body. He let his legs buckle.

We plunged him.

“How long then?” said Vincie.

A thirty-count, I said.

“How about a twenty?”

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ADAM LEVIN

THE INSTRUCTIONS

A twenty then, I said.

Benji started to thrash.

I counted off twenty inside of my head, tried pulling him up, but he wasn’t coming up. He just kept thrashing. He was tilted toward Vincie, who was staring at the water.

Vincie, I said.

“Fuck,” Vincie said. He pulled Benji up.

Benji sucked air.

Vincie said, “You count fast. Did you do Mississippis? I was doing Mississippis—I only got to twelve. Gurion. Gurion.”

In the deep-end, some kids had rhymed “Izzy” with “Jizzy.” I’d revolved to see who: Ronrico and the Janitor. Momo told them,

“
Izzy
. I am
Izzy
, for Isadore. Isadore Momo. You may call me Izzy Momo.” “Jizzy!” said Ronrico. “Jizzy Homo!” said the Janitor.

Momo just took it, leaning hard on his kickfloat.