The Iron Butterfly (20 page)

Since I had yet to display any more Denai traits, I preferred to train alone.

“Which reminds me,” Garit yelled over his shoulder. “I need to get over there. Thalia, will you promise to keep practicing? You need to start building up your arm muscles.”

He picked up his extra set of bow and arrows from the grass and slung them over his broad shoulder, giving me a brotherly pat on the head as he passed.

I watched him join the other soldiers in the training of the Denai and I felt a pang of envy.

I saw Joss’ blonde head stand out among the students even from a distance; he was one of the only ones that took the practice seriously and refused to cheat.

Last night I heard the guards grumbling about how they played dirty. Some students used wind to knock sand in their eyes, or trip them during practice, but they didn’t have solid proof. Joss was all work and no play when it came to training. He obviously had previous training in sword fighting.

I watched as he tested the weight of the sword in his hands and adjusted his grip before stepping into the painted circle on the ground with his partner, one of the Captains. He was good and kept pace with the Captain, each taking turns being on the offensive.

Joss never tried anything too dangerous or bold, and instead tried to wait until the other person became too tired. They both were tied one win each and were about to start the third round when a thought flitted into my mind.

Hungry.

The feeling of hunger reached my belly and I quickly jerked my head back to my horse, remembering my earlier concerns. Walking over to Faraway carrying my bow, I set it by the fence as I let my fingers rub Faraway’s muzzle. He nuzzled my shirt sniffing around for a treat.

“Am I going nuts?”

You have nuts? I like nuts. You should bring me some.

“Not if I have to admit myself back into the infirmary for head trauma; because now I am definitely hearing things.”

Of course you’re hearing things. You’re hearing me.
Faraway sounded a bit miffed.

It was my horse. I was hearing my horse speak in my mind.

Climbing the wooden fence, I sat on it facing him so I could be eye level. It also put me in a great position to scratch behind his ears which he loved.

“Faraway? How come I can hear you?”

Because I’m your horse,
he stated, as if that explained everything. Trying to rephrase my question I asked instead,“But why?”

He looked at me and nudged me in the shoulder.
Because I’m yours. Your mind is open to me, we can share thoughts and feelings.

“I don’t understand?” I was new to the whole world of sharing thoughts and speaking mind to mind. Not many Denai could.

Some could speak mind to mind, some could share feelings, while others could take over your whole mind and force control of a person’s body. The thought of anyone having that much power gave me goose bumps.

I’m a guardian. You called me and I answered the call.
Faraway looked into my eyes and all of a sudden pictures, thoughts and feelings flashed in my head of the night of the attack.

I saw it all from Faraway’s viewpoint from the stall. I looked so small in Faraway’s mind and he thought of me as the small one who brought good cookies. I could see myself walking away in the dark of the stable as Crow moved out of the shadows. Looking at the attack from this angle made me want to scream at myself to watch out. Faraway’s body stiffened as the attacker lunged for the attack, but he was frozen, unable to act. I could feel his desire to attack and his body quivered with excitement and nervousness. But there was a moment of hesitation, as if he was waiting for a signal or command. I heard my own voice pierce the darkness into his mind.
HELP!

Yes!
His body hummed with an instant possessiveness, my call was what he was waiting for. I could feel the adrenaline rush into his body as he kicked the stall door open. The anger he felt at seeing the blood run from my neck was directed toward the man behind me. I could feel his rage. I felt sick to my stomach as Faraway rose onto his hind quarters to attack the back of Crow’s skull with his front hooves.

“Stop! No more, please, I don’t want to see the rest,” I pleaded.

The images faded from my mind and I placed a shaking hand over my heart to try and calm the feelings of adrenaline and power that vibrated through my body. Feelings, I knew, that belonged to Faraway and not to me.

That is my duty as a guardian to answer the call. You called me, I’m yours.

He tended to speak in very clipped tones and there was a haughty undertone to the way he spoke.

So we could share thoughts, feelings, emotions and even memories. But it still didn’t answer the question of how was I able to call a guardian. I never heard of anyone else at the Citadel ever speak of Guardians and I wasn’t Denai. I was unnatural.

You are wrong. You are perfect.

“No, I’m not. I’m twisted, it’s because the Septori used immoral experiments and in a fluke stole another’s power. What I can do is not natural. You don’t understand what has happened to me.”

I had been picking at splinters on the fence and one pricked my finger. Letting the blood well into a drop, I held up my finger to Faraway.

“Can you tell me what blood I have in my veins? I can imitate the Denai but that’s it. I’m a fraud, a fake.”

I let Faraway see some of my memories of what happened to me.

“You see, I don’t deserve you. I’m not whole, I’m not pure.” All the pain I had been trying to hold back over the last couple of days flowed from my body.

Nonsense, if you weren’t a pure person, you wouldn’t have been able to summon me.

“But I have no other abilities. I can’t control the weather, light a fire, move earth, nothing!”

Hhhmmphh
,
overrated,
he snorted.
You’re the only one in a thousand years that has been able to summon a guardian.

“What?” The idea seemed preposterous to me.

You don’t have to speak out loud, if you think your thoughts and direct them at me; I can hear them as long as you’re not blocking me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…” I cut myself off as I realized I was talking out loud again. Scrunching up my face I concentrated on Faraway and thought the words.
Mean too
.

Faraway blew air out his nostrils in an obvious attempt at a laugh. I felt his amusement fill my body as he sent an image of my face scrunched up in concentration into my mind.

I started sputtering to cover the obvious snorting noises that exploded from my mouth at the ridiculous image I saw of myself. Settling down, I wiped the wet tears of laughter out of the corners of my eyes.

It felt so good to laugh. I looked out across the field to the Denai students who were practicing on disarming guards, or working on sword drills, and for once I didn’t feel jealous. I felt whole.

The setting sun over the horizon drew my attention away, as a breeze brought my hair across to tickle my face. The open plain called to me. It spoke of freedom and new beginnings, of hope, second chances and new friendships. A smile pulled at my mouth.

Run?

YES!
Grabbing his mane I swung onto his bare back and let him lead me to the gate that I kicked open with my foot.

Once the gate closed, we ran. The wind blowing in my hair, I shifted my weight and hunched closer to Faraway. When he opened his mind to me, I saw the world through his eyes. I felt then and there that we were one. He was right. I was his and he was mine.

Chapter 20

Faraway helped me the next few days with my archery skills, and every free moment I had, I practiced. Through his eyes I could look at my stance and posture and see what I was doing wrong. Pretty soon, I was hitting the target every time and from greater and greater distances.

Garit still came to train me and was amazed at my speedy progress and natural skill. I had decided to not tell anyone about my bonding with my guardian Faraway. It was nice to have a secret of my own and I wasn’t yet ready to share him.

Knowing full well that I would have to tell the Adepts about him sooner or later was depressing enough. If Faraway was right and there hadn’t been anyone that could summon a guardian since the Denai wars, then that would make me different, unique, and obviously a candidate to be studied. I was willing to put off that torture for as long as possible.

Faraway had encouraged me to try shooting from horseback and after I tried a few practice shots with him standing still, we tried with him walking.

I was becoming so in tune with his stride that I was rarely bothered by the motion. He taught me how to hold on with my leg muscles and how to direct him. We were beginning to anticipate what each other was about to do. For once something was coming natural to me.

Faraway was trotting and I had notched my last arrow when I heard a voice yell, “What the heck do you think you’re doing?”

Releasing the tension in my bow and pointing the arrow at the ground, I turned Faraway around toward the speaker. I had recognized the voice of Joss but I was still surprised to see him there.

Maybe it was because I had been avoiding him for the last week, eating in my rooms, ducking out of class early, coming in late. I was a failure at a lot of things and I was punishing myself by denying myself a friendship with Joss.

I kept telling myself that I was an embarrassment to the Denai and until I could become stronger, better, then I wasn’t going to embarrass Joss by my existence.

It was pathetic, demeaning and also unfair to Joss, but he practically glowed with power and perfection and I felt like a dim candle next to him.

“I’m practicing? What does it look like I’m doing?”

“It looks like you’re about to get yourself killed.” His tan face went pale, and I felt a small shadow of guilt. “You aren’t even holding on, that horse could throw you any minute.”

I felt Faraway’s amusement at being called that horse. I had yet to explain to Joss that Faraway was special and not some crazed horse. “He won’t harm me, remember, he saved my life.”

Joss strode over and grabbed Faraway’s reins in an effort to still an already perfectly behaved horse. He gave the horse a cautious look as if he was sure he would bite his hand any minute.

“Joss, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be preparing for the training game that begins tonight?”

Just mentioning it made my mouth go sour with fright. It had been announced during lunch that the two weeks were up as of midnight tonight.

I still didn’t understand how this training program was fair and, from what I could tell, only Adept Pax, Commander Meryl and I knew that the fake assassin was a SwordBrother.

“I wanted to let you know that I petitioned the Adepts to stop the game.” His eyes looked up from Faraway and pleaded with mine.

“What? Why?” I gasped out.

“I told them to choose someone else to be the target.”

“What? Joss, how could you? You had no right.” I could feel my anger rise, but I was also confused. It’s what I secretly wanted, wasn’t it; to not be bait?

“Thalia, I don’t think it’s fair after what you have been through.”

“Joss, I agreed to this, I did. No one made me do it.” My fingers dug into Faraway’s mane and I felt him send calming emotions to me.

Taking a deep breath I went on, “Joss, I won’t let myself be made a victim again, and right now this is exactly what I need. I need a chance to be able to fight back against the unknown and defend myself. How will I ever be able to go out into the world again and feel safe and secure? The only one I can rely on for protection is myself. I need to do this.” And right then, hearing the words from my own mouth, I realized I did need this. Looking Joss straight in the eye, I jutted my chin out defensively.

“It doesn’t have to be,” he said quietly, looking up at me with his intense blue eyes. “I would protect you if you would let me.” His jaw clenched and unclenched in hidden emotion. “It seems like whenever I’m around, you withdraw from me and try to build a wall between us.”

He was right; I had tried to accomplish this without his knowledge and without hurting him, but I had failed. Without speaking he pulled the reins and led Faraway over to the fence and looped them around the post.

Joss reached up and placed his hands on my waist and I let him help me down from Faraway, his hands burning with heat through my shirt. He let them linger lightly on my waist and I moved away uncomfortably.

Now that I was off of my perch on my horse and looking up to Joss, my head barely reaching his shoulders, I felt more vulnerable. Wishing that I still had the advantage of height, I tried to make myself appear taller by standing up as straight as I could and putting my hands on my hips.

“I’m sorry, Joss. But you must understand I’m still missing a lot of my memories, so in reality I don’t know who I fully am. So how can I let someone else get to know me, if I don’t even know myself?”