The Islanders (26 page)

And yet, I discovered that from time to time there were ways I could help her. I pushed myself so hard at school that soon she didn't have to pity me, or worry about how I'd feel if
agw
she was better than me at something. I drilled myself endlessly to handle getting around town and the ferry and the school, so she wouldn't have to spend her life being my guide. I worked to free her from me and, as you might expect, I freed myself at the same time.

I still can't beat guys up for her, but from time to time, in little ways, I do still get to be her big brother.

USUALLY NINA, AISHA, AND ZOEY
met at the end of the school day to walk together down to the ferry landing. They met on the front steps of the three-story brick behemoth, and since there was always an hour to kill till the four o'clock ferry, they would wander the tiny shops of downtown Weymouth, or stop in at a hangout for ice cream.

But the usual had been suspended for now.

Nina and Aisha watched as Zoey came down the front steps, arm in arm with Lucas.
Like Siamese twins
, Nina thought.
Like they've been Superglued together.

Not that she could blame either of them. They had tonight and tomorrow, and that was it.

“Hi, guys,” Zoey said in her worn, soft voice.

“Hi, you two,” Nina said.

“Are you coming?” Zoey asked.

Nina flashed a quick glance at Aisha. “No, I don't think so.
Why don't you two go on ahead, and Eesh and I will see you on the ferry.”

Zoey didn't argue, just smiled a pathetically grateful smile and walked on, still hanging on to Lucas.

“You know, Aisha,” Nina said, “I'm starting to think you're right. Why would anyone deliberately put themselves in a position to suffer like that?”

“Oh, so now
you
think I'm right?” Aisha said grumpily.

“I'm just saying, what's so great about falling in love if you end up like Zoey and Lucas?”

Nina hopped down off the steps and popped an unlit cigarette in her mouth. They began walking across the field, the shortcut to town. The football team was running around at one end of the field. Closer at hand, a less-organized-looking group of girls were learning how to advance soccer balls. Nina recognized Christopher, wearing shorts and a rugby shirt, teaching the finer points.

“I'm glad someone agrees with me,” Aisha said. “Benjamin called me a baboon.”

“A baboon? Why?”

“And on the ferry this morning did you hear Zoey?
I'd still do it all over again, even knowing boohoo
? Even now she acts like she did the right thing.”

Nina took a drag on the Lucky Strike. “Love is a many-splendored thing, Eesh,” she said philosophically. “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

“Oh, shut up. I don't see you trying it.”

An image of Benjamin leaning close, his lips nearly touching her ear, came to Nina's mind. It was replaced by another image, of Benjamin saying, “I never thought of you as a romantic type, Nina. Is it anyone in particular, or is that none of my business?”

“I'm like you, Eesh,” Nina said wistfully. “Too big a coward to take the chance of getting dumped on.”

“So now I'm a coward,” Aisha said.

“Better than a baboon,” Nina pointed out.

Aisha stopped and planted her hands on her hips. “Obviously everyone is just going to keep picking on me.”

Nina looked at her friend in puzzlement. Suddenly Aisha was upset, and Nina had no real idea why.

“I'm not a coward,” Aisha ranted. “I've gone out with lots of guys, unlike you, may I point out, Ms. Too-cool-for-everyone. I'm
not
afraid, I'm just sensible. See, I don't let other people decide what I'm going to do, or whom I'm going to go out with. That does not make me a baboon or a caveman.”

“No, I—” Nina began.

“But everyone is just going to keep picking on me until I go
out with him. You, Zoey, Benjamin, my mother.”

“Go out with who?” Nina asked.

“Like you don't know. Don't waste your time trying child psychology on me; I'm not a child.”

Or a baboon,
Nina added silently.

“But just to shut everyone up, just so everyone will finally leave me alone in peace, I'll do it. All right? I'll do it.”

Nina was about to ask what Aisha was going to do, but her friend spun on her heel and began marching across the field. Aisha stopped in the middle of the soccer players and planted herself in front of Christopher.

“Oh,” Nina said. She flopped down on the grass, watching. Of course. Duh.

Aisha evidently asked a question, and Christopher evidently answered, because after a few seconds Aisha came marching back. Nina got up, picking bits of grass off the backs of her thighs.

“We're going out tomorrow night,” Aisha said. “Are you happy now?”

“You just went right up and asked him out?” Nina said wonderingly. “Just like that?”

“Yeah,” Aisha answered, trying unsuccessfully to stop a smile. “Just like that.”

“And it worked, huh?” Nina asked thoughtfully.

“Of course,” Aisha said. “I don't believe in all that coy girly stuff. That's why
I
won't end up like Zoey. Just because you go out with a guy, that doesn't mean anything. I just did it so you all would leave me alone. It does not mean I'm interested in him.”

“Just go up and say,
do you want to go out with me
?” Nina muttered.

“Come on. I need something to wear, and the ferry's in forty-five minutes.”

“It's really only been a few days,” Claire said. “But I feel like . . . I feel a lot for him.”

“As you pointed out, you've known Jake your whole life,” Dr. Kendall said in her neutral, nonjudgmental psychiatrist's voice.

Claire shifted in her seat, making the leather creak. Dr. Kendall believed there was significance in everything, even shifting from one position to another because your left butt cheek was numb. “I know, but we were never close. Once when Zoey—that's his former girlfriend—was out of town, I kind of took a run at him. You know, a friendly kiss.”

Dr. Kendall nodded.

“Maybe a
very
friendly kiss. But I was going with Benjamin, and Jake was with Zoey. But now that we've all broken up, things are different.”

“Are you saying that you never really cared for Benjamin?”

Claire reflected for a moment, as memories came drifting up to her consciousness. “No, I really did care for Benjamin.”

“Yet it was you who broke off the relationship with him.”

Claire grinned mischievously. “Everyone needs a little variety. Benjamin was old news. Besides, he has annoying habits that get on my nerves. He is the pickiest person sometimes. Not to mention suspicious. And now with Jake I'm so much happier. I know it's sudden and all, but already I think I feel more for him than I ever did for Benjamin.”

“I'm happy for you,” Dr. Kendall said.

“Yeah. I'm happy, too,” Claire said, feeling vaguely dissatisfied even as she said it.

“He is the brother of the boy who died in the accident, isn't he?”

“Uh-huh. Wade was Jake's brother.”

Dr. Kendall fell into one of her long, dragging silences.

“I suppose you think there's something psychological going on there,” Claire said mockingly.

Dr. Kendall smiled and lifted her shoulders.

“You mean like I'm going out with Jake to make up for his losing Wade? That's stretching it pretty far, isn't it?”

“That would be pretty far-fetched. Unless you had some reason to feel guilty over Wade's death.”

Claire's breath caught in her throat. She forced a cough to
cover her gasp. What the hell had made Dr. Kendall say that? When she was done coughing, she apologized. “Sorry. I think I breathed in some dust.”

“I'll have to ask the cleaning crew to dust more thoroughly. I was just wondering whether you felt any guilt over the death of Jake's brother. People sometimes experience guilt even over things for which they bear no responsibility,” Dr. Kendall said.

“I guess that's true,” Claire said. “But no, I don't feel any guilt. Except maybe, you know, feeling a little strange that I survived and someone else died.”

“That's also a very common feeling.”

Claire smiled broadly. “So, I'm still not crazy? Damn, and I've tried so hard.”

Dr. Kendall put on the strained smile she wore whenever Claire used the word crazy. “I already gave you my opinion, Claire. You're a strikingly well-balanced person for a teenager in this day and age. You don't use drugs, you aren't promiscuous, you get along well with your father, and I believe you have adjusted well to the death of your mother. The fact that you can't remember the accident only means that you suffered a concussion that affected short-term memory.”

“You probably kept me sane,” Claire said insincerely.

“Our hour is nearly up. Have there been any more dreams about the accident?”

“Nope. Sorry. Although I had a dream about Sheldon
,
you know, the guy on
The Big Bang Theory
? That was pretty gross. I could tell you about it and throw in a few details to make it more interesting.”

“Another time,” Dr. Kendall said. “And no memory flashes? Nothing new on that front?”

“No. It's still as much of a blank as ever.”

CLAIRE WAS NOT ON THE
four-o'clock ferry, much to Benjamin's annoyance. Then he realized where she was: the psychiatrist Claire thought no one knew about. The one she'd been seeing since her mother died. Damn, he cursed himself, he should have tried to catch her there as she came out. That would have given him quite a nice little edge.

But then, he didn't know where the shrink's office was, so he would have had to be led. And then, a blind guy couldn't “accidentally” run into anyone who didn't want to be run into. He would have needed someone else along to act as his eyes, and that was unacceptable.

Instead he went to Claire and Nina's house just before seven o'clock, minutes before he knew that Claire would arrive on the later ferry. It would be tricky because he would have to avoid Nina and Mr. Geiger and somehow get to Claire alone.

He counted the steps from the corner of Center, right, with
the sound of surf to his left. He found the familiar gate and opened it.

Did Mr. Geiger know he and Claire had broken up? Probably not. But Nina certainly knew, and she was bound to think that he was there to beg Claire to come back to him.

He knocked on the front door.

“Hey, Benjamin, haven't seen you around here in some days.”

Mr. Geiger. Benjamin was relieved. “Hi, Mr. Geiger. Is Claire around?”

“No, she's not home yet. But I expect she'll be up from the dock in a few minutes.” He ushered Benjamin inside. The two of them had always gotten along well. “Can you stay for dinner? Love to have you.”

“No, thanks, I've already eaten. You know we middle-class types eat dinner earlier than you folks with the lifestyle of the rich and famous.”

Mr. Geiger let the remark go with good humor. “This rich and famous person has some work to do. Foreclosing on widows and orphans, as you always say. But Nina's upstairs. You want me to call her down?”

“No, no,” Benjamin said quickly. “I'll just head on up and wait for Claire in her room, if that's all right with you.”

“You know the way,” Mr. Geiger said.

He did. Nineteen steps up. Turn right and follow the railing around. This was the tricky part, passing the door to Nina's room. If it was open, she'd come out and press him for some explanation. He heard music, muffled, and Nina's voice, singing along slightly off-key. Good, the door was closed. Now, fifteen more steps to Claire's room.

He found the bed and sat down, trying to look casual. A moment later he heard the front door of the house opening, closing. A pause, then a light tread climbing the steps. Good, just one person. She hadn't brought Jake home with her.

That would certainly have made things interesting.

“Benjamin. What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Claire.”

“Hello, Benjamin. What are you doing here?”

Benjamin stood up and squared his shoulders. “We have to talk.”

He heard Claire make a derisive noise. “I never thought you'd come begging, Benjamin. I'm with Jake now.”

“That's not why I came,” Benjamin said calmly, although her tone had hurt him. “Do you know that Lucas is leaving the island on Saturday?”

“I may have heard something about it,” Claire said.

“You feel relieved that he's going?”

“I don't think I feel relieved, Benjamin. I'm not sorry he's going, though. No one on the island wants him around. The sooner he's gone, the sooner everything will get back to normal.”

“Normal,” Benjamin repeated wryly.

“Is that what you came here for? To ask me how I feel about Lucas leaving?”

Benjamin considered his answer for a moment. “In a way, yes. I was curious about how you felt, knowing that Lucas was going to suffer still more for something you did.”

“That again?” Claire snapped angrily.

“That again,” he answered quietly. “That again, that forever until you decide to tell the truth, Claire.”

“Get out of here.”

“He spent two years in reform school—well, let's call it what it was, jail. He spent two years in jail for something he didn't do. Maybe you didn't realize what was happening then. Maybe you really didn't remember back then; I'm willing to believe that. But you remember now.”

“I don't remember anything, Benjamin. I know you think you're just the smartest person on the planet, but you can't read minds. You can't see inside me.” She laughed cruelly. “In fact, Benjamin, you can't even look into my eyes, can you?”

Benjamin actually stepped back, stunned by her sudden fury. She had never resorted to cheap ridicule like that before. “I see enough,” he said. “I know you remember.”

“Why the hell do you care? Why is any of this
your
business? Why don't you deal with your own screwed-up life and stay out of mine? What's Lucas to you?”

“He's someone my sister cares about,” Benjamin said.

“Oh, just get out of here.”

“Lies have already cost Lucas two years of his life—”

“—I said get out!”

“And now they're going to cost him more.”

“Benjamin, I swear to God I'm going to push you down the steps!”

“And they're going to cost my little sister a broken heart.”

“Where are the violins? A broken heart? I can't believe I'm hearing this from your mouth, Benjamin. What do you know about anything? You wouldn't know a broken heart if you tripped over it.”

A wave of sadness swept over him. She wasn't going to back down. He had failed. He felt his resolve collapsing. “I might know a broken heart,” Benjamin said softly. He took a deep breath. “I'm surprised by you, Claire. I didn't think you were this far gone. I never would have believed it of you.”

“Get over yourself, Benjamin.”

“I could go and tell Mr. Cabral the truth,” Benjamin said halfheartedly.

“And you think he'd believe you? You think he'd just accept your intuition that Lucas is innocent?” Claire laughed scornfully.

Benjamin shook his head. “No. He wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't believe Lucas, even if Lucas did try to tell him. There's only one person that anyone will believe, Claire, and that's you. You're the only one who would have nothing to gain.”

“Nothing to gain,” she repeated.

“Except that you would be telling the truth. This has all been about dishonesty. First Lucas lying to cover up for you, now you lying to protect yourself.” He loaded his voice with weary scorn. “I never thought I would feel contempt for you, Claire.”

She laughed. “You don't feel contempt for me, Benjamin.”

He could feel that she was closer, feel the warmth of her body within inches of his own. Her fingers grazed his chin. He jerked his head away. But then her hand lay against his chest. He wanted to pull away, but he didn't.

She brushed his lips with her own and he moved closer, craving the contact, needing to feel her mouth on his again. But she was gone.

“See? You're not nearly as hard to figure out as you imagine, Benjamin. Now get out.”

Claire listened to the sound of his slow, measured tread descending the stairs. She started to smile, but her lip was quivering. Her hands were shaking and she clasped them together to control them.

That bastard. That nosy, pushy, arrogant bastard. She
should
have pushed him down the stairs. She should have. He deserved it. Coming around here and accusing her of things. Trying to make her feel guilty.

She tore off the shirt she had worn to school and rummaged in her dresser for a sweatshirt. She realized she was throwing clothing across the room. She grabbed the next shirt that came to hand and slipped it on.

Guilt. What did she have to feel guilty about? She hadn't known. She had not remembered. It wasn't her fault that Lucas decided to be a knight on a white horse and confess. She hadn't asked him to. And if she had known the truth, she would have told everyone. She never, never would have let him go to jail for her. She wasn't that kind of person at all. That would have been cowardly, and she was no coward.

But she hadn't remembered.

Until just last week.

It was too late! It was too late to change everything. Even if she told Mr. Cabral the truth, it wasn't like he and Lucas would suddenly be best friends. Going off to Texas was probably the best thing for Lucas. He'd be better off away from the island. He would.

And as for Zoey's broken heart . . .

Well, Zoey hadn't minded breaking Jake's heart, had she? Why was this any different? In fact, if Claire were to go around blurting out the truth, that would just hurt Jake even more. And he was the main victim, not Lucas. Lucas had always been trouble. Jake was the sweetest guy on earth. He deserved to have some happiness.

Saturday morning it would be over, Claire told herself. Saturday morning it would all be over. Lucas would be gone. No one would ever ask any embarrassing questions of her father. She and Jake would still be together. Zoey would be ready to forget all about Lucas.

That would be best for everyone. History could not be rewritten.

No one would know but her and her father.

And Benjamin, who could do nothing about it.

She heard Nina's voice yelling up to her that dinner was ready.

She wasn't hungry, but it would look strange not to eat. A
quick dinner, then over to see Jake. Jake would help her to forget all about Benjamin, and Zoey crying on the ferry, and the image of Lucas climbing on a plane and disappearing, this time for good.

Jake. How good it would feel to be with him and put Benjamin out of her mind.