The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1: (Jeeves & Wooster): No.1 (80 page)

‘Of course,’ said Claude, quite cheered up. ‘
He’ll
manage.’

‘Rather!’ said Eustace. ‘A resourceful chap like Bertie! Of course he will.’

‘And now,’ said Claude, shelving the subject, ‘what about that bite of lunch we were discussing a moment ago, Bertie? That stuff good old Jeeves slipped into me just now has given me what you
might
call an appetite. Something in the nature of six chops and a batter pudding would about meet the case, I think.’

I suppose every chappie in the world has black periods in his life to which he can’t look back without the smouldering eye and the silent shudder. Some coves, if you can judge by the novels you read nowadays, have them practically all the time; but, what with enjoying a sizeable private income and a topping digestion, I’m bound to say it isn’t very often I find my own existence getting a flat tyre. That’s why this particular epoch is one that I don’t think about more often than I can help. For the days that followed the unexpected resurrection of the blighted twins were so absolutely foul that the old nerves began to stick out of my body a foot long and curling at the ends. All of a twitter, believe me. I imagine the fact of the matter is that we Woosters are so frightfully honest and open and all that, that it gives us the pip to have to deceive.

All was quiet along the Potomac for about twenty-four hours, and then Aunt Agatha trickled in to have a chat. Twenty minutes earlier and she would have found the twins gaily shoving themselves outside a couple of rashers and an egg. She sank into a chair, and I could see that she was not in her usual sunny spirits.

‘Bertie,’ she said, ‘I am uneasy.’

So was I. I didn’t know how long she intended to stop, or when the twins were coming back.

‘I wonder,’ she said, ‘if I took too harsh a view towards Claude and Eustace.’

‘You couldn’t.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I – er – mean it would be so unlike you to be harsh to anybody, Aunt Agatha.’ And not bad, either. I mean, quick – like that – without thinking. It pleased the old relative, and she looked at me with slightly less loathing than she usually does.

‘It is nice of you to say that, Bertie, but what I was thinking was, are they
safe
?’

‘Are they
what
?’

It seemed such a rummy adjective to apply to the twins, they being about as innocuous as a couple of sprightly young tarantulas.

‘Do you think all is well with them?’

‘How do you mean?’

Aunt Agatha eyed me almost wistfully.

‘Has it ever occurred to you, Bertie,’ she said, ‘that your Uncle George may be psychic?’

She seemed to me to be changing the subject.

‘Psychic?’

‘Do you think it is possible that he could
see
things not visible to the normal eye?’

I thought it dashed possible, if not probable. I don’t know if you’ve ever met my Uncle George. He’s a festive old egg who wanders from club to club continually having a couple with other festive old eggs. When he heaves in sight, waiters brace themselves up and the wine-steward toys with his corkscrew. It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

‘Your Uncle George was dining with me last night, and he was quite shaken. He declares that, while on his way from the Devonshire Club to Boodle’s he suddenly saw the phantasm of Eustace.’

‘The what of Eustace?’

‘The phantasm. The wraith. It was so clear that he thought for an instant that it was Eustace himself. The figure vanished round a corner, and when Uncle George got there nothing was to be seen. It is all very queer and disturbing. It had a marked effect on poor George. All through dinner he touched nothing but barley-water, and his manner was quite disturbed. You do think those poor, dear boys are safe, Bertie? They have not met with some horrible accident?’

It made my mouth water to think of it, but I said no, I didn’t think they had met with any horrible accident. I thought Eustace
was
a horrible accident, and Claude about the same, but I didn’t say so. And presently she biffed off, still worried.

When the twins came in, I put it squarely to the blighters. Jolly as it was to give Uncle George shocks, they must not wander at large about the metrop.

‘But, my dear old soul,’ said Claude. ‘Be reasonable. We can’t have our movements hampered.’

‘Out of the question,’ said Eustace.

‘The whole essence of the thing, if you understand me,’ said Claude, ‘is that we should be at liberty to flit hither and thither.’

‘Exactly,’ said Eustace. ‘Now hither, now thither.’

‘But, damn it –’

‘Bertie!’ said Eustace reprovingly. ‘Not before the boy!’

‘Of course, in a way I see his point,’ said Claude. ‘I suppose the solution of the problem would be to buy a couple of disguises.’

‘My dear old chap!’ said Eustace, looking at him with admiration. ‘The brightest idea on record. Not your own, surely?’

‘Well, as a matter of fact, it was Bertie who put it into my head.’

‘Me!’

‘You were telling me the other day about old Bingo Little and the beard he bought when he didn’t want his uncle to recognize him.’

‘If you think I’m going to have you two excrescences popping in and out of my flat in beards –’

‘Something in that,’ agreed Eustace. ‘We’ll make it whiskers, then.’

‘And false noses,’ said Claude.

‘And, as you say, false noses. Right-o, then, Bertie, old chap, that’s a load off your mind. We don’t want to be any trouble to you while we’re paying you this little visit.’

And, when I went buzzing round to Jeeves for consolation, all he would say was something about Young Blood. No sympathy.

‘Very good, Jeeves,’ I said. ‘I shall go for a walk in the park. Kindly put me out the Old Etonion spats.’

‘Very good, sir.’

It must have been a couple of days after that that Marion Wardour rolled in at about the hour of tea. She looked warily round the room before sitting down.

‘Your cousins not at home, Bertie?’ she said.

‘No, thank goodness!’

‘Then I’ll tell you where they are. They’re in my sitting-room, glaring at each other from opposite corners, waiting for me to come in. Bertie, this has got to stop.’

‘You’re seeing a good deal of them, are you?’

Jeeves came in with the tea, but the poor girl was so worked up that she didn’t wait for him to pop off before going on with her complaint. She had an absolutely hunted air, poor thing.

‘I can’t move a step without tripping over one or both of them,’ she said. ‘Generally both. They’ve taken to calling together, and they just settle down grimly and try to sit each other out. It’s wearing me to a shadow.’

‘I know,’ I said sympathetically. ‘I know.’

‘Well, what’s to be done?’

‘It beats me. Couldn’t you tell your maid to say you are not at home?’

She shuddered slightly.

‘I tried that once. They camped on the stairs, and I couldn’t get out all the afternoon. And I had a lot of particularly important engagements. I wish you would persuade them to go to South Africa, where they seem to be wanted.’

‘You must have made the dickens of an impression on them.’

‘I should say I have. They’ve started giving me presents now. At least Claude has. He insisted on my accepting this cigarette-case last night. Came round to the theatre and wouldn’t go away till I took it. It’s not a bad one, I must say.’

It wasn’t. It was a distinctly fruity concern in gold with a diamond stuck in the middle. And the rummy thing was that I had a notion I’d seen something very like it before somewhere. How the deuce Claude had been able to dig up the cash to buy a thing like that was more than I could imagine.

Next day was a Wednesday, and as the object of their devotion had a
matinée
, the twins were, so to speak, off duty. Claude had gone with his whiskers on to Hurst Park, and Eustace and I were in the flat, talking. At least, he was talking and I was wishing he would go.

‘The love of a good woman, Bertie,’ he was saying, ‘must be a wonderful thing. Sometimes … Good Lord! What’s that?’

The front door had opened, and from out in the hall there came the sound of Aunt Agatha’s voice asking if I was in. Aunt Agatha has one of those high, penetrating voices, but this was the first time I’d ever been thankful for it. There was just about two seconds to clear the way for her, but it was long enough for Eustace to dive under the sofa. His last shoe had just disappeared when she came in.

She had a worried look. It seemed to me about this time that everybody had.

‘Bertie,’ she said, ‘what are your immediate plans?’

‘How do you mean? I’m dining tonight with –’

‘No, no, I don’t mean tonight. Are you busy for the next few days? But, of course you are not,’ she went on, not waiting for me to answer. ‘You never have anything to do. Your whole life is spent in idle – but we can go into that later. What I came for this afternoon was to tell you that I wish you to go with your poor Uncle George to Harrogate for a few weeks. The sooner you can start, the better.’

This appeared to me to approximate so closely to the frozen limit that I uttered a yelp of protest. Uncle George is all right, but he won’t do. I was trying to say as much when she waved me down.

‘If you are not entirely heartless, Bertie, you will do as I ask you. Your poor Uncle George has had a severe shock.’

‘What, another?’

‘He feels that only complete rest and careful medical attendance can restore his nervous system to its normal poise. It seems that in the past he has derived benefit from taking the waters at Harrogate, and he wishes to go there now. We do not think he ought to be alone, so I wish you to accompany him.’

‘But, I say!’

‘Bertie!’

There was a lull in the conversation.

‘What shock has he had?’ I asked.

‘Between ourselves,’ said Aunt Agatha, lowering her voice in an impressive manner, ‘I incline to think that the whole affair was the outcome of an over-excited imagination. You are one of the family, Bertie, and I can speak freely to you. You know as well as I do that your poor Uncle George has for many years
not
been a – he has – er – developed a bit of a habit – how shall I put it?’

‘Shifting it a bit?’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Mopping up the stuff to some extent?’

‘I dislike your way of putting it exceedingly, but I must confess that he has not been, perhaps, as temperate as he should. He is highly-strung, and … Well, the fact is, that he has had a shock.’

‘Yes, but what?’

‘That is what it is so hard to induce him to explain with any precision. With all his good points, your poor Uncle George is apt to become incoherent when strongly moved. As far as I could gather, he appears to have been the victim of a burglary.’

‘Burglary!’

‘He says that a strange man with whiskers and a peculiar nose entered his rooms in Jermyn Street during his absence and stole some of his property. He says that he came back and found the man in his sitting-room. He immediately rushed out of the room and disappeared.’

‘Uncle George?’

‘No, the man. And, according to your Uncle George, he had stolen a valuable cigarette-case. But, as I say, I am inclined to think that the whole thing was imagination. He has not been himself since the day when he fancied that he saw Eustace in the street. So I
should
like you, Bertie, to be prepared to start for Harrogate with him not later than Saturday.’

She popped off, and Eustace crawled out from under the sofa. The blighter was strongly moved. So was I, for the matter of that. The idea of several weeks with Uncle George at Harrogate seemed to make everything go black.

‘So that’s where he got that cigarette-case, dash him!’ said Eustace bitterly. ‘Of all the dirty tricks! Robbing his own flesh and blood! That fellow ought to be in chokey.’

‘He ought to be in South Africa,’ I said. ‘And so ought you.’

And with an eloquence which rather surprised me, I hauled up my slacks for perhaps ten minutes on the subject of his duty to his family and what not. I appealed to his sense of decency. I boosted South Africa with vim. I said everything I could think of, much of it twice over. But all the blighter did was to babble about his dashed brother’s baseness in putting one over on him in the matter of the cigarette-case. He seemed to think that Claude, by slinging in the handsome gift, had got right ahead of him: and there was a painful scene when the latter came back from Hurst Park. I could hear them talking half the night, long after I had tottered off to bed. I don’t know when I’ve met fellows who could do with less sleep than those two.

After this, things became a bit strained at the flat owing to Claude and Eustace not being on speaking terms. I’m all for a certain chumminess in the home, and it was wearing to have to live with two fellows who wouldn’t admit that the other one was on the map at all.

One felt the thing couldn’t go on like that for long, and, by Jove, it didn’t. But, if anyone had come to me the day before and told me what was going to happen, I should simply have smiled wanly. I mean, I’d got so accustomed to thinking that nothing short of a dynamite explosion could ever dislodge those two nestlers from my midst that, when Claude sidled up to me on the Friday morning and told me his bit of news, I could hardly believe I was hearing right.

‘Bertie,’ he said, ‘I’ve been thinking it over.’

‘What over?’ I said.

‘The whole thing. This business of staying in London when I ought to be in South Africa. It isn’t fair,’ said Claude warmly. ‘It
isn’t
right. And the long and the short of it is, Bertie, old man, I’m leaving tomorrow.’

I reeled in my tracks.

‘You are?’ I gasped.

‘Yes. If,’ said Claude, ‘you won’t mind sending old Jeeves out to buy a ticket for me. I’m afraid I’ll have to stick you for the passage money, old man. You don’t mind?’

‘Mind!’ I said, clutching his hand fervently.

‘That’s all right, then. Oh, I say, you won’t say a word to Eustace about this, will you?’

‘But isn’t he going, too?’