The Kingdom Land (16 page)

Laura guessed right although she had to wait. Marcus
showed up late, and sat down at a table right next to the beam with
an oil-man friend. They studied the menu that hadn't changed in
years, but it still held their attention. They both jumped when
Laura suddenly came out from her hiding place accompanied by a
loud, “Hello.” At first she thought Marcus might run, but he
couldn't since his friend was there.

“
Didn't mean to surprise you.” Laura
lied, ”but we need to talk.”

“
About what?” Marcus
asked.

“
I thought you might want to know
something. I'm pregnant.”

“
Why would I want to know that?”
Marcus asked.

“
It's… it's your baby.” Laura hadn't
come prepared for a straight denial. She was shocked at how
nonchalant he was acting.

“
Give me a break. You came on to me
and you had a good time, now don't think you're going to hang
something like this on me. I can tell you've been around. Talk to
all the other guys. You've come to the wrong place if you think
you're going to pull me into this. You've blown this one, not
me.”

Liar!
Laura
wanted to yell, but chose her stare to carry her disgust. There had
been no other man and no other possibility. Another word would be a
waste of time and would only invite further insult. She'd done her
duty.

Laura's pause let Marcus grab his coat off the seat
next to him, and he motioned to his friend that they were leaving.
“Sorry to hear about the bad luck,” he said to Laura. “I'd take
care of that quick if I were you. But I've got a new job and my
boss is waiting for me. Wish I could help, but times are tough for
everybody.” With those few words he was gone, and Laura was alone
again.

She hadn't expected anything different, and wouldn't
know what to do if he had wanted to be a father to the child. She
was alone, and it would stay that way.

From there Laura went straight to the house she
shared with three others. She needed someone who'd understand and
hug her and cry with her. These weren't just roommates. They were
Christian sisters, and they'd understand.

She told them without details what had happened. At
the end Laura reached out for a hug, but there was none. All she
got was troubled looks, and, “We'll pray for you.”

Later, her closest friend, Robin, cornered her in the
kitchen, saying she'd received a word from God about how
disappointed He was and that only time would prove if Laura had the
fruits of repentance to be part of the church again.

After that she was afraid of going to any one else
from her church. Her parents had quit welcoming her once she became
a Christian. They both had drinking problems and thought Laura
looked down on them for their non-belief.

Boy, wouldn't they love it to hear that after all my
preaching to them, I'm the real sinner.

Her only companion during those months was the child
growing within her womb, and she found herself talking to that
child often.

I hope you like Italian food ‘cause
a feast is coming your way. I read today that protein and calcium
will help you grow, so enjoy all you can grab. I've heard that
later I will get cravings for strange food, but the only thing I'm
craving for now is you to be healthy and strong.
Alone with her child she would sing lullabies and
a few times hopeful hymns. The hymns weren't to God, but for her
child.

 

That evening at the Point the weather had started to
cool, but Laura found sweat soaking her body. Her sobs shook her
entire body when she remembered the second doctor's visit at the
end of her first trimester.

She didn't have money or insurance, but something
wasn't feeling right.

“
How's mom today?' the slightly
heavy nurse asked as she walked into the room. “My name is Nancy.”
On the first visit a different nurse had cared for Laura, but Nancy
looked just as nice.

“
I'm fine. A little nervous. Maybe I
should say very nervous. I'm trying to do everything right, but I'm
so afraid I'm gong to hurt my child. I feel like I'm carrying a
dozen eggs and I'll break one if I turn too fast.”

”
Well, let's hope you don't have a
dozen eggs in there,” the nurse patted Laura's stomach. “Most
people are very happy to have one egg fertilized and hatched nine
months later. Let's see you have,” she turned the page on the
chart, “six and a half months before that egg becomes a baby in
your arms.”

“
It's a baby already and I can't
wait to hold that baby in my arms!”

“
Great,” the nurse ignored Laura's
comments. “I see too many girls your age that don't feel that way.
I hope dad feels the same.”

“
Dad's not around.” Laura did her
best to keep her voice upbeat, but looked away in case she
failed.

It was necessary for the nurse to ask the question.
The chart didn't list a father. The nurse had seen this too many
times to care one way or the other.

“
Well, fine, we'll just have that
baby by ourselves won't we? Those men just get in the way anyway.”
The nurse took her pulse and temperature.

“
Well, this visit we do an
ultra-sound to see how thing are progressing.

“
How much does that cost? I don't
have insurance and I don't have a lot of cash.”

“
The state will cover it, honey.
They always do in these situations…” she changed the subject. “This
is going t be cold,” she said as she squirted a clear lotion from
what looked like a mustard bottle onto Laura's belly.

The nurse was good. She was
experienced. She could perform the exam and not give the patient a
hint that something was wrong. She was also experienced enough that
she knew something was wrong.
God I wish
this girl hadn't called this embryo a child. It makes it so much
harder when this happens.

Nancy left the room with a smile and warned the
doctor about what he would be walking into.

“
Good afternoon, Laura. Nice to see
you again. Remember me? I'm Dr. Sorenson. I want to do a quick
ultrasound exam on you.”

“
Nancy already did one a few seconds
ago. I'm sorry, but I don't have insurance so I would rather pass
on another test.”

“
Don't worry. I ‘m sure you aren't
happy about being a burden on the state but we only want to do what
is best for you, right?”

The doctor took longer and wasn't as good at hiding
his expression. Laura could tell something wasn't right.

“
Laura, there is a problem with the
fetus.”

“
What is it?”
Am I supposed to guess?
she wondered
at the doctor's long pause. To her, it almost seemed like he was
trying to be dramatic with the long pause, like a bad
actor.

Finally he said, “It looks as if the fetus is no
longer developing. It doesn't show the signs of life I would
expect.” He waited for Laura to respond or react. She did neither,
but only stared straight forward. He had been an OBY/Gyn for
eighteen years, but he still couldn't predict how a woman would
react to this news. He decided to simply continue his
explanation.

“
I don't think the fetus will
develop any further. It looks as if the pregnancy has been
terminated.”

“
Fetus, why do you keep calling my
baby a fetus? Why don't you just say my baby is dead? That's what
you're trying to say, isn't it?”

“
I'm saying fetus because it hasn't
yet developed specific organs or features. By definition it remains
a fetus, so you have not lost a child. Nature has simply protected
you before the fetus becomes more than a simple mass.”

“
A simple mass! How dare you call my
child a ‘simple mass'? That child was birthed in my
womb.”

“
I'm sorry. I misspoke. I know there
is a segment of the population that has that opinion, and I didn't
realize you were one of them.”

“
I'm not a ‘segment of the
population' and I don't know what you mean by being ‘one of them'.
I'm a mother and not a population. I know that child was alive in
my womb, not as a mass, but as a creation of God. That child was a
part of me, and I gave it new life every day as my baby grew. Don't
tell me it wasn't a child. You might be a doctor, but I know
better. I'm not talking because I'm part of a group. I WAS THAT
BABY'S MOTHER…” Laura remained composed but adamant. She still
had a child to protect even if that child would never be
held.

So, she's the hysterical type. I need to get out of
here before she loses it even more.

“
You need to know that 95% of all
stillbirths are defective and would be grossly handicapped if they
came to full term. I hope you can take some comfort in that. Now
I'm very sorry for all your suffering, but I have other patients
that need me, and there is nothing else I can do. Nancy will give
you follow up instructions.”

There was no comfort in knowing statistics or that
the evil, terrible man had left. She would have no comfort, and
even years later as she sat in the Datsun in the Glacier Point
stall, comfort had not yet reached her heart.

Even worse news came as Nancy entered the room. She
carried a yellow sheet of paper with writing dim from being the
last carbon copy.

“
I'm sorry. I only hope one day you
will realize that it is for the best. Everything happens for a
reason.”

“
You knew when you first did the
exam that my baby was in trouble. Why did you run rather than tell
me then?”

“
I didn't know for sure. That is the
doctor's place to give a diagnosis. It's strictly against policy
for me to say anything.”

“
Well, then someone should make a
policy against calling my child a fetus, or for that matter not
letting my baby die.”

Nancy put the paper in front of Laura so she could
read the almost illegible words. It was obvious to Laura that the
once warm nurse would not answer her questions.

“
Dr. Sorenson has prescribed some
codeine so you can be more comfortable and hopefully sleep tonight.
Sometime in the next three to four days expect a heavy discharge.
When you feel it coming, it will be heavy, so be close to a
restroom. If you don't have the discharge within five days, call
immediately and we'll have you come back in. If you have continued
bleeding after the discharge, call this number. If you need
additional medication for comfort, call this number.”

Nancy had finished the written instruction and handed
the papers for Laura to sign.

“
What about my baby?”

“
As Dr. Sorenson explained to you,
your pregnancy has been terminated. Your body will naturally expel
the fetus.”

“
Are you telling me that I am
supposed to go home with a dead baby in my womb and just wait for
my child to be expelled? Expelled is something that happens in high
school. It not something that ends my baby's time on
earth.”

“
I wish there was another way, but
the safest for you is to just let nature take its
course.”

“
Nature has already worked its
course and nature took my baby.” Laura couldn't outright say that
God had taken her baby, but that thought went with her and she left
that office promising herself she would never come back there
regardless of what happened.

 

That evening in the truck, Laura relived every
thought of her loss and her sin. She had thought of her child
almost daily for the past year. She had told the people at the Mint
that she had a baby boy so they wouldn't bother her. She had
decided to call the baby a boy because he would be the last male
she would allow in her life.

She thought of the child often, but never in such
detail as this evening. Usually it was merely a memory sparked for
a second, but tonight it was every detailed relived. When she came
to the next detail of her horror she turned on the car to simply
have the company of the running motor rather than the silence.

 

After leaving the doctor's officer, the next two days
were filled with horror. She couldn't go to her past friends in the
church. They were no longer friends or sisters. She couldn't guess
how they might react. They might tell her, as she already felt,
that the death was God's punishment for her fornication. She wasn't
going to tell Marcus even if she could find him. She didn't want
him to feel off the hook. Let him think for the rest of his life
that he might get a knock on the door one day and find his child
asking questions.

She couldn't feel relieved that the problem was gone.
She couldn't now move on with her live as if nothing had happen.
She knew her life would never be the same. As she sat in the empty
Point parking lot she could still feel herself sitting in a half
empty apartment, afraid to leave and unable to even eat, waiting
for nature to take its course. Laura sat alone, but death sat with
her.

Finally, cramps started and the ordeal ended. She had
run to the toilet with the pain of the cramps, but after, the child
was terminated by definition, but not from her life. She looked at
the toilet for only a second and then closed the door from the
outside. She couldn't look at the child. Certainly, she couldn't
flush the toilet to dispose of her baby in some city sewer. She
didn't know what to do.