The Language Inside (13 page)

e-a-r-t-h-q-u-

and I guess the end

and tell her about the quake

and tsunami

and Madoka’s relatives

and the ongoing cleanup work

okay, now you
I say

anxious to turn the conversation

to her but she stares at me

and spells

s-o s-o-r-r-y

and I nod

say
thanks

when she continues to stare

I do the colors and letters again

and she spells

r u i-n l-o-v-e

and I can’t believe she asked me that

I roll my eyes

say
no!

and she makes that growl sound again

now you
I say

this time firmly

a self-introduction!

I ask Zena questions

are you from Massachusetts?

her eyes go up

this town?

her eyes go up

maybe you knew my grandmother—

Elena Karas? Contos before she married . . . 

Zena’s eyes don’t move

so I ask
how old are you?

then flinch

sorry! that was rude

Zena looks at the letter board

chooses orange, the last row

where in one box it says
numbers

so I count for her by tens, then ones

and discover she’s 46

even though she looks

older than YiaYia

who’s 71

I take off my sweatshirt

flushed and embarrassed

feeling like a total failure at this

is purple your favorite color?
I ask

her eyes go up

will you dress up for Halloween?
I ask

her eyes go up

as what?
I ask

m-e-r-m-a-i-d
she spells

and I laugh and tell her she’ll be a great mermaid

and I’ll help her with her costume

then I say
so,
should I bring some poems

to read next time before we write?

her eyes go up

I’m not sure what else to ask

but then I remember that question

she asked me

are you in love?

Zena looks up

and she growls

and she eyes the letter board

so I hold it up and she spells

s-e-x-y m-a-n

and I crack up

time to write poems!
I say

so we start

and it is slow

this one-letter-at-a-time thing

I try guessing words partway through

but if I guess too soon Zena gets mad

once I guess

dryer? drugstore? dressing room?

before she’s finished the word

then she starts again, spells

d-o-d-o

and glares

at me

I bow, apologize

start again

and follow her exactly

without rushing

and now we have a first line

which I realize is a line

because she chooses a slash:

    
I open the door to my dreams

next line
I say

but Zena doesn’t look up

no? there’s more for this line?

but still she doesn’t look up

we go back to the letter board

and she spells
u

you?
I ask

you mean me?

her eyes go up

and then I get it

she wants us to take turns

so I say
okay,
read

    
I open the door to my dreams

and add the line

    
and see the face . . . 

your turn
I say

and slowly Zena spells

    
of the one I love

and I see she is playing a game

trying to trap me

into revealing something personal

so I say

    
gazing back at me

then she spells

    
in fear

so I say

    
and adoration

and then I hear someone behind me

and Sam is standing there

in the doorway

and I feel my face go hot

and Zena’s eyes go up

and she growls

we’re almost done

I say to Sam

he says
take your time

and comes into the room

and leans on the windowsill

and I think by his broad shoulders there

outlined by the late-afternoon light

he must be a swimmer

Zena and I

go back and forth and at last

we’ve written

    
I open the door to my dreams

    
and see the face

    
of the one I love

    
gazing back at me

    
in fear

    
and adoration

    
and wonder

    
then I know

    
this is the face

    
of the one who is

    
my daughter

and I’m surprised by her last line

expecting something instead about her

s-e-x-y m-a-n

I ask if we’ve finished the poem

but Zena doesn’t look up

and I realize it’s my turn

so I think

then add the line

    
to be