The Last Adventure of Constance Verity (6 page)

“Every scenario? How many suitcases did you pack?”

“Nine or ten.”

“Do you have a gas mask in all that?”

Tia frowned. “No. Am I going to need one?”

“Probably not. Have a gun?”

“You never carry a gun.”

“How about a bottle of ketchup?”

“You can't tell me that you've ever needed ketchup to save the day.”

Connie smiled enigmatically.

“Fine,” said Tia. “I threw a bunch of stuff together because I didn't know what I'd need. Meanwhile, you've been letting things
just happen
. Are you sure you're up for this? Need a day to recover?”

“I once went a week straight without sleeping in a duel of death with a sniper in the deltas of Cambodia. I think I'll manage.”

Tia removed her backpack and, with a relieved sigh, set it next to a precarious stack of boxes that might topple over any moment. “Maybe you should get another butler. Or a manservant. What happened to the old butler, anyway? Jenkins was his name, right?”

“He was part of a secret society.”

“I thought that was why you hired him.”

“No, another secret society. A bad one. Wanted to prepare the Earth for alien invasion or blow up New Jersey. Or something.”

“How many secret societies are there?”

“I've stopped counting, and a surprising number of them want to blow up New Jersey. Hell if I know why. That's why
they're secret societies. They don't tend to share their mission statement. He tried to steal a magic idol I had stowed around here. We had a knife fight on a rooftop. He stumbled and fell to his death.”

“But when I asked you what happened to him, you said, ‘He took a long trip.' ”

Connie smiled.

Tia groaned. “Oh, God, I just got that now. Don't take this the wrong way, Connie, but I think I know where your trust issues come from.”

“They're not issues. I just assume my closest allies will betray me when it serves their purposes.”

“Oh, I know. How many times have you jabbed me with a fork over the years?”

“It's only being prudent,” replied Connie. “You understand.”

“Just one of the joys of being your friend. So, what's up with this Byron guy?”

“Nothing much. It wasn't planned, but it just felt right.”

“He seemed nice the two seconds I was allowed to talk to him.”

“He is nice. And smart. And cute. And a regular person.”

“How did you end up with him, then?”

Connie started poking through boxes for the item they would need to begin her last adventure. “I can end up with normal guys.”

“For a night, sure,” said Tia, “but do you actually plan on calling him?”

“I don't know. Yes?” Connie grabbed an ancient relic, and thunder rattled the apartment windows. She tossed it aside. “I want to.”

“Buuuuuut?”

“But . . . Y'know how it is. It was a good night, but that's probably all it was.”

“Only one way to find out if it can be more,” said Tia.

“You think I should, then?” asked Connie.

“You promised you would, and didn't you swear an oath to never break your word?”

Connie moved aside a ray gun and several bottles of dried wolfsbane. She needed to organize this stuff better.

“I'm an adventurer, not a Boy Scout.”

Tia dug through her pack for a bottle of water and twisted off the cap. “I still think you should call him.”

“I have water,” said Connie. “Comes straight out of the tap with a turn of a knob. Like magic.”

Tia shrugged. “I don't drink tap.”

“Oh, you'll make a dandy sidekick.”

“I think you should call him. Oath or no oath.”

Connie opened a mysterious case, and the phoenix feather within burst into bright blue flame as its spirit shrieked in the throes of its rebirth. She slammed the case shut and interrupted the process. “Now, where the hell did I put that key? You really think I should? But what if this doesn't work? What if I can't be normal?”

“It'll work,” said Tia. “And if it doesn't, who gives a shit?
He's different than most the guys you've had. Even the ordinary ones.”

“Gleaned that from the two seconds you talked to him?”

“Call it intuition.”

“I have intuition,” said Connie.

“You're too close to the situation. That's why you need to borrow mine. And I say you'll call him.”

Connie saluted. “Whatever you say, boss.”

Tia offered to help Connie look, but it was better for her to avoid touching things. It took Connie ten minutes to find what she needed. The large, antique key glittered like polished silver. The True Key could open any door between worlds. It'd been sitting between the haunted skull of Marie Antoinette and that weird alien thingamabob that beeped once exactly every seventy-one hours, under the real Shroud of Turin.

“All set,” said Connie. “But first things first. If you want to come with me, you've got to prove you're not dead weight.”

“Okay. What do you want me to do?”

“Hit me.”

“What?”

“Hit me. Take a swing.”

Tia laughed. “I'm not going to hit you.”

“I know you're not, but if you're going to convince me to let you tag along, I need you to try.”

“What's that going to prove?”

“It'll prove you can take care of yourself. I don't know what's
around the corner, but I can guarantee that if you can't hit me, you can't handle it.”

“There are more ways to handle a tricky situation than simply violence.”

“That's what people who are wimps tell themselves so they don't feel like wimps.”

“But you said it just the other day.”

“I'm good at violence, so I can get away with it. I'm not endorsing it. I'll always seek the nonviolent solution when I can, but sometimes, it's not an option. Sometimes, you have to beat the shit out of a bad guy because he doesn't give you any other choice. Now show me what you've got.”

“I'm not helpless,” said Tia. “I've taken some self-defense courses.”

“Punching a guy in a foam suit isn't the same as what you might be facing out there.” Connie paused. “I was going to say
the real world
, but it's not exactly. I don't expect you to fight twenty-foot-tall slime creatures, but if there are regular people, I need to know you can handle yourself. Come at me or get left behind.”

Tia charged, hoping to catch Connie off guard. Connie stepped aside, and Tia fell flat on her face.

“You're going to have to do better than that,” said Connie.

Tia picked herself up. “I wasn't ready.”

“You attacked me.”

Tia, fists held up, approached more cautiously. Connie let her get within inches.

“Are you going to throw a punch or just stare at me?”

Tia kicked. She wasn't certain what happened next, but she ended up on the floor again.

“Nice try,” said Connie.

Tia sat up. “What's this prove? That you're a better fighter than me? Of course you're a better fighter. Why wouldn't you be?”

“It proves that you can't handle this.”

“I don't get it. I've been on adventures with you before. Remember when my wedding reception was disrupted by those mob goons? Or that time I was kidnapped by swamp monsters? Or the dozens of other times I've been dragged into your craziness.”

“Those times were different,” said Connie. “You were a victim of circumstances. You didn't ask to get involved.”

“So, I still have more experience than most people. I may not be a master of alien karate, but I'm not some average person. I've seen stuff. I've proven I can keep my head in an emergency.”

“Yes, you have, but there's still a difference. All those other times, I was saving you. This time, I'm letting you come along. If something bad happens to you, it'll be my fault.”

Tia snorted. “No offense, Connie, but get over yourself. It might feel like it sometimes, but the universe doesn't revolve around you. I make my own decisions. Nobody was making me be your friend all these years. I made that choice, and it has been a bumpy ride now and then, but I'm not some
responsibility you're forced to carry with you. It's a two-way thing. I could've walked away at any time, but I didn't. Did you ever ask why?”

“Because you're an assassin waiting for the word to strike?” Connie grinned as she said it, but Tia noticed Connie adopting a combat stance.

“Because you're the one person in this world I could always count on, and I'm not talking about saving my life, which you do regularly. I'm talking about being there when I really need you. Remember when my marriage fell apart? Who was there with a beer and a shoulder to cry on? Or when my dad died? You were the one who made me leave my house.”

“Funny,” said Connie. “I always think of myself as screwing up your life.”

“You do that too, but that's how friendship works. We try to be there for each other, and we're not perfect, but this is important. And I'm going to be there for you. So, if this is what it takes, then I'll prove I have the determination to make it.” She raised her fists.

Connie crossed her arms. “No, that's not it at all. If all it took was determination, then every stubborn idiot would be out there having adventures. It's about ability. If you don't have the skills, you shouldn't be involved.”

“Maybe I don't have the combat skills, but I've got other talents.”

“Next you'll tell me you're street-smart. That's not a thing, by the way. Okay, so if you can't hit me, what can you do?”

“I'm great at math.”

“You're kidding, right?”

“It might come in handy,” said Tia. “Like that time your horticulture knowledge saved Cleveland.”

“When Cleveland is under attack by algebra, I'll be sure to keep you in mind.”

“This isn't fair. You've had a lifetime of experience.”

“No, it isn't. Yes, I have. Now stop bitching about it and impress me.”

Tia lowered her fists.

“Okay, I get it. You want me to realize that I'm not ever going to be able to stand up to you and find a better way.”

Connie grunted. “Goddamn it, Tia. We aren't sharing a Mr. Miyagi moment. I need you to be able to handle yourself. Yes, you can't always fight your way out of every bad situation, and violence should be a last resort. But it is a resort, and if you can't manage it, you're just going to get in my way. Hit me or go home.”

Tia launched a series of strikes that Connie dodged and deflected. She danced around Tia's wild swings. Tia's frustration led to rage, which led to sloppiness, and avoiding her attacks only became easier. It didn't help that Connie kept tapping Tia here and there to illustrate the weakness of her defense.

Tia wheezed and knelt with her hands on her knees.

“I trust I've made my point?” asked Connie with a condescending smile.

Screaming, Tia hurled herself forward. Connie stepped aside and, with a deft maneuver, flipped Tia onto the floor again.

She lay there, looking up at the ceiling. “This is bullshit. Just give me a minute to catch my breath.”

Connie shrugged. “If you think it'll make a difference.”

Tia stood. “Here's the deal. If I land a hit on you—even one—you stop telling me not to come along.”

Connie nodded. “And if you can't, then you forget this. Deal?”

Tia nodded.

“To make it fair, I won't even use my arms,” said Connie.

Tia snarled. “No. You're going to use your arms. I don't need you to hold back.”

“Actually—”

Tia rushed forward. Connie punched Tia and threw her to the floor.

“Son of a bitch.” Tia groaned. “I think you dislocated my shoulder.”

“You'd know if I dislocated your shoulder. You're fine. You said I shouldn't hold back.”

“Okay, so hold back a little.” Tia sat up.

“No need. You can come along.”

“But I didn't hit you.”

“And you never will. Keep that in mind. I'm good, but there are people out there who make me look like an amateur. If you can't take me on, you can't take them on.”

“Point made,” said Tia.

Connie helped Tia up. “I need you to listen to me and not do anything stupid. Other than the stupid thing of going with me.”

“I can do that.”

“It's still a bad idea, but maybe you are sidekick material after all.” Connie helped Tia up. “And I still owe you for your ruined wedding reception.”

“Ruined? Those mob goons were the only thing worth remembering about the whole day. I can't believe you punched me.” Tia wiped her bloody nose. “I knew it was a test.”

“Had to see if you could take it.”

“How'd I do?”

“Terrible, but you're an adult. I don't feel like wasting time talking you out of this. Just don't complain to me if you get eaten by something.”

“Wouldn't dream of it. How do we find this fairy godmother of yours? Do we need to journey to some ancient woods forgotten by man and dance three times around a circle of mushrooms under the light of the full moon?”

“Nothing that complicated,” said Connie. “Help me move these boxes.”

They cleared some space around an antique wardrobe wrapped in heavy chains with a lock the size of a pie plate engraved with a knight's helm.

“Fancy,” said Tia. “Is this the way, then? Through a magic wardrobe? Bit of a cliché, isn't it?”

“Welcome to my life,” replied Connie as she tapped the key twice on the lock. “Third time's the charm.”

“Wait.”

“Have you changed your mind?”

“No, but is transitioning into magical dimensions anything like flying? Because if it is, I'm probably going to need some Dramamine. Have some in one of my bags.”