The Last Goodbye (15 page)

We met when his firm had hired the gallery for a party to thank their clients. We did it the odd time, rented the gallery out as a venue – usually it was to friends of Tabitha’s or to some of our regular customers that enquired about using it. It provided some further income and also we sometimes sold photos during private events, so it was good for marketing as well. I was liaising with Will’s personal assistant to organise the details like the catering and the wine. I had been left open-mouthed at the wine bill – each bottle cost upwards of two hundred pounds but it seemed as though money was no obstacle for this company. After the guests had gone home, Will had come down to thank us. I had been struck by his tall broad stature and the twinkle in his eyes. I guessed that he was close to fortyish. He had a little paunch around the waist but other than that he was in good shape. He had given Kate and me a leftover case of wine to share – we had debated as to whether or not to sell it on eBay but then Kate had said, “Fuck it – when are we ever going to get the chance to try wine like this again!” and we uncorked a bottle, then another and another.

He had called me personally the next day to thank me for my help. The party was very successful and their clients had been impressed. He used the gallery a few more times after that for other events and I came to know him. Then, by chance, I met him in a wine bar one night and we got chatting and ended up spending the whole night together just talking. Properly talking. I had never felt so at ease with anyone before.

He told me from the start that he was married – he never hid it from me – but the chemistry between us was obvious and we both knew it was the start of something special. There was an intensity between us that I had never experienced before. We could spend hours just staring at each other, with neither one of us needing to speak. It soon became a regular thing and, yes, the sex was great – some of the best I had ever had – but there were also tender moments when I would lie against his bare chest with its sparse hairs that shot up randomly and we would just talk until the sun came up. It wasn’t the money or the glamorous lifestyle that attracted me – I can honestly say that none of that mattered to me.

The only way I could describe the aftermath of Will leaving was that I existed day to day. I went to work, I came home. I could still smell his aftershave on the sheets – it took me ages to finally give in and wash them. I went out with friends or over to Kate and Ben’s place to hang out. Kate had tried talking to me about it but it just hurt too much and I would change the subject. Anyway she had enough going on with being pregnant and everything. And, if I’m honest, I wasn’t sure that she really got it. I think Kate thinks that I have commitment issues. She always says that I choose men that are wrong for me. I reckon she thinks that I chose Will purposely because he was married but that’s just silly. She sees it as quite black and white, that I was just another mistress being cast aside as soon as the wife found out and in many ways I was, but I knew I meant more to him than that. I could almost see Kate trying to leave her judgment-hat off and just listen to me but she really thought I’d been saved more heartache in the long run. I knew she and Ben felt sorry for Thea and I did too – I felt sorry for everyone involved in the whole sorry mess – there were no winners. Kate kept telling me that I would meet someone else but I wasn’t looking for a replacement – I didn’t want to be with just anyone. I wasn’t sad because I was on my own, I was sad because I had lost him. She didn’t see that. I just wanted Will, not anybody else, just him. You can’t substitute one love for another.

I saw him two weeks later, just by chance, in a café. I was ordering a coffee to go and there he was sitting in the corner. I had to look twice. My heart had started racing and I could feel myself starting to sweat. He didn’t see me though – he was too engrossed in writing a message on his Blackberry. I was glad because it allowed me to stare at him for a few moments. I longed with every part of me to go up to him and for him to take me in his arms and hold me against his chest so I could hear his heart and whatever other rumblings went on beneath his skin. I desperately wanted to touch his familiar face. He was so near – I reckon there were about five metres between us. I knew I could just walk over there and in a few strides he could be back in my life again. It was that close. My heart said it was fate and that I should take my chances and go over to him. I longed to be back in his life even if I could only just have a small part of it but, instead, I had taken my coffee and left the shop quickly. I forgot to get my sugar.

If anyone had asked me if I would do it all again, knowing the way it was going to end, then I would have said ‘Yes, in a heartbeat’. The few months that he was in my life were worth the pain, rather than saving myself the heartache and never having met him at all. He had changed me. He was the first man I had ever truly opened myself up to. I now knew what true love really was and for that I was thankful.

Kate 2012

Chapter 19

Nat didn’t show for work the day after I told her about Will so I knew something had happened. I tried ringing her but she didn’t answer. I decided to write a ‘closed for lunch’ sign by hand and stick it inside the door and make my way over to her place. When I arrived I pressed the buzzer but there was no answer so I pressed it again. When there was still no answer I took out my phone and rang her. I looked to the upstairs window and there was a light on so I sat on the buzzer again.

“Look, Nat, I know you’re home – just let me in.”

Soon after I heard the latch release and I pushed the door and went upstairs.

She looked frightful. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew that he was gone. I went over and threw my arms around her and she sobbed into my shoulder.

It broke my heart to see Nat so upset over the next few weeks. I was trying really hard to be understanding and to be there for her but I never seemed to be able to do or say the right thing. I would invite her over to ours for something to eat and she and Ben would share a bottle of wine while I stuck with my sparkling water – with a slice of lime if I was feeling really wild. But it was like Nat had changed as a person on the day that he had left her. It was just a slight change and, if you didn’t know her too well, you wouldn’t notice it, but there was a change in her nonetheless. She didn’t have that same enthusiasm and energy for things any more. It was like she was just going through the motions of life. I knew she found it hard to open up to me about it all. I would ask her how she was doing and she would brush me off, saying she was fine, or she would try to change the subject. But something had shifted between us when she had broken up with Will. It was unsaid of course but we both knew it was there all the same. I think it was partly because Ben had actually met Thea. There was just a little bit of awkwardness between them although neither would admit it. I knew Ben was very sympathetic towards Thea and of course my sympathies were with Nat, but I also felt awful for poor Thea. Ben had said there had been a dramatic improvement in Elliott in the days following his meeting with Thea and he could only assume it was because his dad had come home again.

Nat had met Gill, the woman who was seeing a friend of Will’s, for lunch. She heard that he was trying really, really hard to make a go of his marriage but that he had been devastated when his relationship with Nat ended. I was glad to hear that he was making a go of it though, at least for his kids’ sake. If anything good was to come out of it, it was that.

A few days later I came in from work and I sat down to dinner with Ben. He had made a lamb tagine for us, which I practically inhaled I was so hungry. My appetite had come back full swing over the last couple of weeks and I was making up for all the food that I hadn’t eaten at the start.

We started cleaning up after dinner. Ben was cleaning down the worktops while I did the dishes and let them air-dry even though I knew it was a pet peeve of Ben’s. I sat down again at the little table which we had bought in IKEA because its sides could be folded down. We thought we’d do it after dinner every evening to give us some space but after the first few days we got lazy and never bothered doing it any more.

“I have something for you.” He turned away from the cooker where he was busy scrubbing off a tomato stain. He took two pieces of paper off the worktop in the kitchen and handed them to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, unfolding them.

“Tickets.”

“For where?”

“Dublin.”

I looked up at him.

“How dare you!” I said angrily.

“Look, Kate, if I don’t make you go, you never will.”

“When are they for?”

“This weekend.”

“This weekend! But I probably won’t be able to fly.”

“I’ve already checked – the airline will let you fly up to thirty-five weeks and you’ll be just gone thirty-one – but you will need to get a cert from your doctor. It’s only short-haul anyway.”

Typically Ben was Mr Organised. I checked the tickets. We were flying out on a Friday morning and returning on a Sunday. Two whole days.

“Well, I might not be able to get the time off work.” I knew it was lame.

“Come on, Kate – since when have you ever had a problem getting time off? And it’s only the Friday that you need! You know Nat will cover for you for one day, like you do for her when she goes away.”

“You shouldn’t have done this. You think a trip home will fix everything – well, it won’t!” Even just thinking about it made my stomach lurch. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. “You can’t interfere in my life.”

“Kate, it isn’t just your life now – we’re having a baby together, remember?” He looked hurt.

“Yeah, well, I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with raking over the past!”

“Go on – ring your dad now and tell him you’re coming home.”

“I can’t now!” I spluttered. “It’s too late, it’s nearly nine o’clock – he’ll think there’s something wrong if I ring at this hour of the night!”

“Well, then, ring him first thing in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Chapter 20

The next day in work I was trying to concentrate on the words on the screen in front of me but I was finding it difficult. My mind kept wandering. The thought of ringing Dad and then what I was going to say to him kept interrupting my concentration. It was one of those things where it was actually embarrassing how long I had put off ringing him and now it was very hard to pick up the phone.

At lunchtime Nat went to the deli up the street to get our usual order of sandwiches. While she was gone and I had the gallery to myself, I took a deep breath and dialled Dad’s number. It rang and rang and I was secretly relieved at the reprieve when he didn’t answer. I was just about to hang up when I heard his voice on the other end.

“Hello – 065873.”

He still insisted on repeating the old number back whenever he answered the phone. That was the number when we were kids – there was a six in front of it nowadays. His voice sounded croakier than the last time. Older.

“Hi, Dad – it’s me.”

“Kate? Is that you, Kate?”

I knew he was happy to hear from me and then the guilt wound itself ever tighter.

“How are you, Dad?”

“Well, I’m grand now, Kate – all the better for hearing from you. How are you getting on over there?”

“Great, thanks, Dad.”

“And how’s Ben keeping?”

“He’s good. How are Patrick and Seán?”

“Ah sure, not a bother on the pair of them! Patrick is kept going on the farm and Seán is working all hours in Acton’s. He always was good at the sums, that fella.”

Acton’s was an accountancy practice in the town. It was a third-generation family business and was now run by George Acton, the original founder’s grandson.

“Well, I hope they’re paying him well.” The Acton family was always known around the town for being tight with their money.

Dad laughed. “And Aoife is good too . . .”

“Oh right . . . yeah.”

There was an awkward pause.

“Look, Dad, the reason I was ringing is because, well . . . Ben and I are going to come home on a visit – this Friday actually.”

“Well, that’s great news, Kate – I’m looking forward to finally meeting him.”

“We have some news for you as well.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I’ll tell you when we get there – no point doing it over the phone.”

“Well, I can pick you up in the airport.”

“There’s no need, Dad – we can get the bus or hire a car.”

“I haven’t seen you in so long, Kate – there’s no way I’m letting you get the bus.”

After I had given him our flight details we said our goodbyes and hung up. Nat came back then and handed me my sandwich. But, even though I had been dying for mine, I found I couldn’t stomach it.

“What’s wrong, darling? Did I get the wrong sandwich?” Nat said, noticing my expression. “I asked for the usual – I’ll go mad if they’ve made a mess of it!” She took the sandwich back off me quickly and took it apart to check that it contained the ham, cheese and tomato that she had ordered.