The Last Woman (All That Remains #1) (31 page)

“I don’t want to overstep,
Abby, but Airen’s a good man. I don’t think you have to worry so much about his
reaction.” She squeezes my hand.

“I need to get out of here.
I’m going to take a walk.” I pull on a jacket. “I can’t face him right now. I
need to be alone and figure out what the hell I’m going to do. Please, tell him
I’m fine, and I went to the barn.”

“Sure, come and talk to me
anytime you need to, dear.”

I thank her before darting out
the door, away from the barn, and toward the lake. A baby. I’m too old to have
another baby. I’m over thirty with a teenage son. What kind of world would I be
bringing a child into? The future is so uncertain and so dangerous. I end up at
our picnic spot, sitting at the head of Sara’s grave.

I seriously fucked up this
time. It’s as if I’m determined to drive away the only person who has ever
loved me. Burying my face in my arms, I sob until I’m exhausted. I have to tell
him. It’s not right to leave him out of it. Oh God, how am I going to tell
Airen? I hear the leaves crunching under his feet as he approaches, but I can’t
look at him.

He sits beside me, and his
fingers close around mine. “Your hands are freezing, sweetheart. It’s getting
dark. We need to go home.”

“I can’t face anyone like
this.”

“Okay.” His voice is soft as
he helps me to my feet. “Let’s go to our summer home.” He holds my hand as we
walk, but doesn’t question me. He starts the generator, turns on the electric
heater in the trailer, and tucks a blanket around me on the sofa. Every
thoughtful, caring gesture he’s making is tearing me apart. He’s trying to take
care of me. He has no idea how badly I’m about to shatter our little world.

I’m terrified he’ll think I
did it on purpose, just like Jon did. All because I’m too stupid to know that
antibiotics affect birth control. He’s going to hate me. New tears form and
roll down my face, but I don’t bother trying to hide them. It’s too late for
that. He settles down next to me and draws me against him until my face is
hidden in his shirt.

“Abby, you’re scaring me,
darlin’. Please, tell me what’s going on.”

“Air, I’m so sorry. I swear I
didn’t do this on purpose. Please believe me. Please don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” he
murmurs, kissing my head. “You didn’t do what, on purpose?”

“Get pregnant,” I confess.

His body stiffens, and he
gasps aloud. I pull away from him. I’m sure he won’t want me so close now. He
places his hand under my chin and raises my head until our eyes meet, and I can
see him trying to digest the news. His eyes are wide and fearful, and his skin
is pale, making his black hair stand out.

“Are you sure?”

“Julie gave me two tests. I’m
so sorry,” I repeat. He doesn’t respond, but he pulls me into his lap and
cradles me there. I lay my head against his chest while he runs his fingers
through my hair. Even in his turmoil, he’s trying to comfort me. “It’s still
really early. There’s a pill I can take to end it, but we have to decide soon.”

“Is that what you want to do?”
he asks softly.

“I don’t know. What do you
want?”

“To think about it.”

I nod. “I’m sorry. I fucked up
big time, Airen.”

“Stop apologizing, you didn’t
get this way on your own.”

“You trusted me with the birth
control. I didn’t know antibiotics reduced their effectiveness.”

“Is that what happened? I
didn’t know that either, Abby. You can’t take all the blame. We did this
together.”

“Just don’t leave me. I don’t
have to have another child. I’ve never even considered it, but I can’t lose
you,” I sob, tightening my arms around him.

He cups my face in his hands
and his dark, stormy eyes bore into mine. “I’m not him, Abigail,” he says
sternly. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you. I’m going to marry you. If we
decide to have this baby, then I’ll love it too. Do you understand me?”

I curl up against him and we
sit in silence until he suggests we go to bed. “Do you want to stay here
tonight?” I ask.

“Yes, I want us to be alone.”

“Joseph and the kids will
worry.”

“I have the radio, and I’ll
let them know. Go to bed, sweetheart, and I’ll be right there.”

I feel like a somnambulist, a
zombie. I’m exhausted, and I can’t think about this anymore. It’s too much. Stripping
down to my T-shirt and panties, I crawl into bed, listening to Airen talk to
Joseph on the radio. My eyes are trying to slam shut while I pray to the
nonexistent gods of pregnant women, please let him be here when I wake up.

* * *
*

A beam of sunlight falls
across my face and rouses me from a dream I can’t recall. The events of the day
before flood my mind, and I take a deep breath. My time to panic and freak out
is over. It’s time to think rationally, be responsible, and make a decision. If
I opt to terminate, no one but Airen and Julie will ever know.

Airen is sleeping peacefully
with a slight smile on his face. What is he dreaming about? How does he really
feel about this pregnancy? I’d give anything for a peek into his thoughts right
now. Is he secretly angry? Worried? Happy? He doesn’t have a biological child. Could
he be wishing for a son or daughter with his blood?

Oh, how beautiful Airen’s
child would be! Surely, his DNA would overcome my flawed contribution. I
fantasize about a mini version of him with a tumble of dark hair, and those
serious black eyes. If it’s a boy. I admitted to Airen I saw a therapist when I
was pregnant with Carson, but I didn’t exactly tell him why. My biggest fear
was having a girl and inflicting my unsightly appearance on an innocent baby,
staining her with my features and dooming her to a life of loneliness. If I had
a girl with Airen could his beauty overpower my genes and give her a chance?

I climb out of bed slowly,
careful not to wake him. It’s early, and I’m sure he could use a few more hours
of sleep. Plus, I need to think and try to figure out what I want. Right now, I
want a bath. I’m quiet as I heat water and pour it into the tub. Lying back in
the too hot water, I relax a little as I run through reasons for and against
bringing the pregnancy to term.

I could have complications
with the birth. Carson was born by c-section. Could Julie handle that? The baby
could have medical needs we can’t meet, and of course I could have a girl
cursed with my face. On the other hand, everything could go smoothly. The baby
could be healthy, and I could give Airen something no one else has ever given
him, a life beyond his own. What I would give to know what he really wants.

I’m deep in thought when he
enters the bathroom, his eyes puffy, and his face slightly pink from sleep.
He’s dressed only in his underwear, and apparently I’m not too upset to be
distracted by his physique. He catches my look and smirks.

“How are you?”

“Fine,” I reply.

“Want some company?”

I smile, and he strips and settles
down behind me. My back rests against his chest, and he brings his hands around
to caress my stomach, stroking gently. My eyes close as I absorb the sensation.
Jon never touched me after he found out I was pregnant. Every woman should feel
her love’s hand on her pregnant belly. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Airen,
please.”

“I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong
thing, and I don’t want to upset you or influence your decision. I want you to
be happy. That’s what I’m thinking.”

“It’s our decision. If you
know you don’t want a child, or if you think you do, I just want to know which
direction you’re leaning. If you need more time to consider it, I understand.”

“I’m worried about you giving
birth without a hospital. That’s the only thing that makes an abortion a consideration
in my mind.”

“Are you pro-life? Do you
believe it’s wrong?”

“No, only if the woman does it
without letting the father voice his opinion. I understand it’s the woman’s
body, but...” He trails off for a moment. “Whatever we decide, thank you for
telling me instead of ending the pregnancy on your own.”

“I could never do that. Did
you want kids before?”

“Yes, I wanted kids,” he
replies, as his hands rub my shoulders.

“I’m sure there was an endless
line of women willing to have your beautiful babies,” I tease. When he shakes
his head solemnly, I sense I’ve hurt him somehow. “What is it?” I ask, turning
to face him.

“First, tell me which way
you’re leaning, Abby.”

I sigh. “I feel too old to do
this again. I feel like I’ve trapped you, and I don’t want that. I’m scared I
could be destroying what we have. There’s a myriad of things that could go
wrong. It could be a disaster.” He bites his lip and nods as I continue.
“Despite all those rational reasons for the contrary, I...” I stumble. My lip
trembles, and I have to swallow the lump in my throat. “I want the baby. I love
you so much, and to have a baby with someone who loves me, to have your baby, is
a dream come true.”

 A beautiful smile spreads
across his face as he slides his hand into my hair and tilts my head back,
pressing his lips press against mine again and again until I start to giggle.

“You’ve made me so happy,
sweetheart.” I start to sob. I can’t help it. I’m so relieved. “Hey! Don’t
cry.” He holds me firmly against his chest.

“I was so scared to tell you.”

“Shh, I know. Come on darlin’,
let’s get out.” He steps out of the tub and wraps a towel around his hips.
Taking another towel, he begins to dry my back.

“I can...”

“Hush.” The soft towel travels
down my back, across my behind, and down the backs of my legs. Moving around
me, he slowly works his way up my calves, my thighs, all the way to my neck,
before placing a light feathery kiss on my shoulder. I close my eyes and hum.

“Better?” he asks, his eyes
sparkling. I nod and an impish grin crosses his face. “Watch out for those
pregnancy hormones.”

“Are you accusing me of having
mood swings already?” I giggle, giving him a playful slap.

“Never.”

“I promise not to drive you crazy.”

“I promise to take care of
both of you,” he murmurs, kneeling to press his lips against my stomach.

I thread my fingers through
his soft hair. “You’re going to be horribly overprotective, aren’t you?”

“Mmm Hmm. So you’ll just have
to behave.”

“Behave?” Looking down, I
raise my eyebrows at him.

“Take care of yourself. Eat,
take vitamins, don’t lift anything heavy,” he lists, standing up.

“You’re suddenly an expert on
prenatal care? Is there a long line of knocked up women I should know about?” I
tease.

“Just one,” he murmurs. His
demeanor changes in an instant. His downcast eyes darken, and his sculpted lips
press together until they nearly disappear. I try not to appear as shocked as I
feel.

“You had a child?” How could
he have kept this from me?

“Not exactly. My ex-girlfriend,
we dated for two years. I...um...loved her.” He glances at me apprehensively.

“Relax, I’m not jealous. Tell
me about her.”

“Her name was Jade. I used to
tease her that she had a stripper’s name.” He smiles, remembering. “My career
was taking off, and things were going well for me. I had just been offered the
part on Undercovers, and that meant I’d have to move to New York for at least
six months out of the year.

“She was pissed. She didn’t
want to move, and we had a fight. She didn’t want me working on a show where
part of my job was making out with other actresses, but I told her that was
part of being with an actor, and she had to get over it. I didn’t know she was
pregnant. I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t have been so
selfish,” he swears, looking ashamed.

“What happened?” Do I really
want to hear this? Maybe not, but he needs to tell it. It obviously haunts him.

“I left and spent the night at
a friend’s house. I thought we both needed to cool off, and we’d work it out. I
loved her,” he repeats. “When I got home the next afternoon, she was gone. All
of her stuff was gone. There were two things lying on the coffee table.” His
lip trembles, and he stops to compose himself. I’d do anything to remove that
tormented look from his face, to ease the pain that shines in those anguished
eyes.

“She left me an ultrasound
picture and paperwork from a clinic showing she’d had an abortion.”

Holy shit. “Oh Airen.” I
embrace him tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

He swallows audibly and clears
his throat. “I would’ve supported whatever she wanted to do. I would’ve stayed
in Louisiana if she had told me.”

“She should’ve included you in
that decision, Air. Throwing it in your face that way was cruel.” I could
happily choke the bitch if she were in front of me now.

“Perhaps she was afraid. You
were scared to tell me,” he points out.